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An Open Letter To the Developers of That Video Game Who Promised I Wouldn’t Last More Than 2 Minutes Before Busting

Dear Smut Developers,

I am writing in regards to an ad for your product that I saw while trying to Putlocker season 2 of “Succession.” An ad I regard to be problematic. It was the one that features a sexy female Viking elf performing cunnilingus on Louis from “Family Guy.” The artwork was stunning, no complaint there. What I took umbrage with the copy, which read as follows:

“If You Play This Game You WILL Bust in Less Than 2 Minutes.”

Now, I’ve played your game, and rest assured I found it to be highly bustable material indeed. I’m something of a connoisseur when it comes to busting to video games. I’ve busted to everything from “Leisure Suit Larry” to “Crash Bandicoot.” To quote Ray Parker Jr, “Bustin’ makes me feel good.” And I felt good busting to your game, “Slutquest Legacy.” That’s not the issue.

The issue is your jackass marketing team thinking it’s any of their gosh darn business how long it takes me to bust.

I understand your need to boast about your product’s high bustability. Really, it’s the wording I have a problem with. The message I believe you are trying to convey, “Gentlemen, this game makes for some solid busting,” is fair and, in my personal opinion, well-earned. But by applying a time frame to the whole thing you are, perhaps inadvertently, establishing a dangerous precedent for what is or is not “normal busting.”

Busting is a sacred and highly personalized experience. It is a ritual made for one unless you’re Louis C.K. There is no “normal” time frame and implying there is leaves quick cummers and marathon busters alike feeling alienated and unheard.

The words of your ad copy echoed in my mind, souring every sweet bust with it’s taunting demeanor.

I became competitive. I started to engage with your product for longer than was healthy. It began to affect my work and interpersonal relationships. Cranking it longer than 120 to your digital fuckscape became my all-consuming goal. I tried switching hands and changing lubricants. I even tried applying a balm that the man at the gas station assured me possessed botanical numbing agents. Nothing worked.

By day nine I had forgotten how to eat.

Then one day, shivering and malnourished, it happened. All of my hard work paid off. That, and the fact that I don’t think my body was making a whole lot of blood at that point. I lasted a whole 2:39 playing your stupid game and I’ve got the webcam footage to prove it.

You hear that, you bastards?! I won. I wrote and published this whole letter just to make you read those words. I won and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Joe Consumer

P.S. Are you guys hiring busters at the moment? I haven’t checked my email in a few weeks but I’m sure I’ve been fired.