Guy From Jamiroquai Taking Up Entire Moving Walkway at Airport

Posted on by Traye Holland

DENVER — Jay Park from Jamiroquai was seen taking up the entire moving walkway at the Denver International Airport, leading to many frustrated customers rushing to get to their flights, sources confirmed.

“Somehow using this moving walkway takes longer than the immobile floors,” said Anya Robertson while rushing to her flight. “I like the ‘Virtual Insanity’ music video as much as the next guy. You know what else I like? Getting to my plane on time. I had ten minutes to get to my next flight. Now I have a three-hour layover before I can get home because that guy won’t stop doing his weird moonwalk dance-thing up and down the walkway and knocking everyone’s carry-on bags out of their hands. At this point, I just want to see what’s under that enormous hat.”

Park had reportedly been there for hours practicing his choreography.

“I’m sorry, but this is the only way I can prepare for upcoming tours. You can’t just buy 500-foot moving walkways at Home Depot as one might think,” said the longtime singer and lead dancer of Jamiroquai. “I don’t see what the big deal is either. I’m just practicing my dance moves for a short three hours, and I brought some living room furniture and live cockroaches from home to fully immerse myself in the experience. After this, I’m going to treat myself to a Cinnabon and call it a day.”

Airport security guard Dustin Smith revealed that this was a regular occurrence on the moving walkway.

“This happens every goddamn time he’s in town,” said Smith. “I keep telling the people at the checkpoint to not let him in, and he keeps getting in anyway. We tried asking him to please stop dancing, but he doesn’t seem to register that we’re there. Then we tried catching him, but he’s a lot more nimble than he looks. Every time we get close to grabbing him, he just moves right out of our reach. We have elderly here. We have people with disabilities here. There are a lot of people who could really use that walkway. Does he even have a flight scheduled?”

At press time, multiple planes reportedly delayed their departure times so passengers affected by Park’s interference will have time to board.

Rude! My Friend Invited Me to Meet Her Baby and the Baby Showed Up Completely Unprepared

Posted on by Kelley Greene

I’ve really been missing hangouts with my best friend ever since she had her baby. It’s been nearly impossible for us to find time to get together, but luckily last week she finally invited me over to meet him.

I was super excited to see her, plus I’d finally get to meet the guy that’s been bogarting every second of her free time. Knowing he’s going to be a part of my bestie’s life forever, I really wanted to make a good impression. I bought him a gift, put on a cute outfit, and went over to her place. But the little jerk showed up completely unprepared.

I’d spent the past 6 days practicing pronouncing “Ryder” in the mirror so I could get it just right. I addressed him by name as soon as I saw him, but he called me “Baba”—he obviously couldn’t be bothered to remember my name at all. Then he put his hand out so I shook it. But he just let his hand hang there, completely disinterested. Also his fingers were wet? Which was pretty gross. And to be honest, a little disconcerting.

I had brought him a stuffed Bluey on my friend’s suggestion, so I whipped that out and handed it to him, hoping that might do the trick. He snatched it out of my hands, sucked on it, and then threw it on the floor. It started becoming pretty clear that he couldn’t care less about me, at all.

He also kept ignoring me when I was speaking and just grabbed at my friend’s breasts, which is wildly inappropriate. I mean, it’s not the first time some creep has been trying to grab her boobs while we’re hanging out, but it’s crazy to be doing that in her own home.

Eventually, I decided to just tell Ryder a bit more about myself and brought up some topics we might connect on, like a mutual love of dogs. He grabbed my phone when I showed him a picture of my puppy, and then stuffed the phone down his pants. At that point I’d had enough. I let my friend retrieve the phone from his diaper and then said I had to go.

The whole thing ended up being incredibly disappointing. I’m not trying to backseat parent, but she really needs to have a serious talk with him about how to treat her friends, especially if he ever wants to hang out with me again. But, seeing as I’m the forgiving type, I’m willing to give him another chance when he has a slightly larger vocabulary. If he apologizes.

Grindcore Band Argues Over What 473 Songs They Have Written Should Go on New Record

Posted on by Chris Bowen

SEATTLE — Members of local grindcore band Gestation Crate were unable to settle a debate about which 473 songs of theirs should belong on their upcoming album, confirmed sources who recommended picking them out of a very large hat.

“Out of the 607 songs we wrote last week, I can’t believe we have to widdle it down to a mere 473 for the album. Wish we could use all of them but that would be a bit excessive,” said guitarist Luke Vabold while perusing the list of potential tracks. “There are about 310 that we all have consensus on, but then it seems to go off the rails after that. Like, ‘Mutiny Face’ should definitely be track number 412, but our bonehead drummer doesn’t think so, but instead wants it to be replaced by ‘Moist Venom.’ That one clearly doesn’t fit the aesthetic though. I just don’t want fans to think we haphazardly selected nearly 500 tracks for the album. That’s the last thing I want anyone thinking of us.”

Friends of the band believed they were making more of a show of it than it needed to be.

“I just don’t see why they can’t use all the songs they wrote for the album. After all, those 473 tracks only equate to 22 minutes total,” said Anthony Freden, friend of the band who occasionally attends practices. “Nevertheless, I’ve been here with them for the last 12 hours. Each member has been stating their case for their favorite songs while going through their normal arbitration process. It’s times like these that make me thankful I never learned an instrument and started a band. What a nightmare.”

Music historian Dave Hutchinson revealed how grindcore bands are just built differently than normal ones.

“Bands are never on the same page when it comes to what to include on their records,” said Hutchinson. “That’s why bands will often release records that were just the unreleased B-sides for the main album. However, grindcore bands write so many songs that they will also release B-sides, C-sides, D-sides, all the way down to Z-sides. It’s kind of impressive how much material they can pump out in a weekend.”

At press time, Gestation Crate finally nailed down the final tracklist but spent another six weeks coming up with an album title.

Every Pelican Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Nigel Powers

Flying in from Chicago, Illinois, Pelican are best known for their celestial, dark vibes and heavy, doomy instrumental soundscapes with riffs fit for kings. Unlike many of their doomy counterparts, Pelican never saw the need for a vocalist, and the band is all the richer for it, since their sound is so dreamy it would only suffer from a stuck-up, egomaniac singer. The band was part of the first wave of bands from Hydra Head Records in the late ‘90s and early 2000s who mixed the heavy, crushing sounds of Black Sabbath and other metal acts with quiet, ethereal sounds of Godspeed You! Black Emperor and MONO, creating something truly different from most of your “BRUTAL” metal of the day, paving the way for future prog minded metal musicians who aren’t afraid of their feelings (now that’s Brutal!). A band of this caliber must be ranked, so here is the definitive ranking of Pelican albums from worst to best. Even though it should probably be “least best to best.”

6. Australasia (2003)

Pelican’s debut album is pretty rad, and there are no bad Pelican albums. But this sounded a lot like four guys jamming in a room while screwing around with a variety of effects pedals, trying to figure out their sound, and it’s a little drawn out and long, compared to later releases. But everything that makes the band great is there, even if it did require some tweaking of the formula to get right, it was already a potent brew ready for those who were brave enough to drink that sweet Post-Metal Kool Aid.

Play It Again: “Drought”
Skip It: “Untitled”

5. Forever Becoming (2013)

With the addition of guitarist Dallas Thomas, Pelican proved that they were indeed “Forever Becoming”. What were they becoming exactly? One of the defining and ever changing heavy acts of our time, capable of cranking out music that’s both dreamy and deadly, a dangerous combination for your ear bones. While many bands would have a mid-life crisis after losing founding members, the only crisis Pelican gave us was an existential crisis, thinking about what exactly we could become over the course of forever with this kickass album.

Play It Again: “Immutable Dusk”
Skip It: “The Cliff”

4. What We All Come To Need (2009)

What is it that we have come to need exactly? Pelican decided that they had come to need a leaner, more concise sound, and on this album, they stripped away many of the longer, more intricate passages and replaced them with shorter, punchier songwriting. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, this album is arguably their most accessible. This was also their last album until the 2020s with original guitarist Laurent Schroeder-Leblanc, who stepped back from the band in 2012 to spend more time with his family, and we can’t blame him, since the world was supposed to end in 2012.

Play It Again: “The Creeper”
Skip It: “What We All Come to Need”

3. Nighttime Stories (2019)

This album title is what the genre of Post-Metal should have been called, since it’s so easy to doze off to those dreamy instrumentals after a long day of suffering under late-stage capitalism. Their final album with axeman Dallas Thomas before the return of Laurent Schroeder-Leblanc, and he sings off in kickass form, and he is truly missed for the aggressive edge that he gave later era Pelican, perfectly complimenting longtime axeman Trevor Shelly de Brau. Maybe one day he could possibly return to Pelican, forming the greatest three-guitar lineup ever to grace the metal world, but until then, this album marks the end of an understated era of Pelican.

Play It Again: “WST” into “Midnight and Mescaline”
Skip It: “Full Moon, Black Water” (still sick though)

Honorable Mention: Arktika (2014)

A snapshot of a band giving their all on stage, this is the Pelican live experience for those without deep Ticketmaster pockets. Arguably better than their studio work, this is a band on full display, minus the visuals, but there are always psychedelics for those brave enough to get that full Pelican experience. But visuals aren’t completely necessary, if you just close your eyes, let the music wash over you and get lost in the sound, you are sure to have some closed-eye visuals sober, which will save you some hard-earned money.

 

2. City of Echoes (2007)

This album wraps around your mind courtesy of the vaguely celestial, possibly otherworldly tendrils present on the album’s cover, and transports you to another dimension, where this “City of Echoes” possibly exists. Such a city would be a nightmare to create for Earthly architects, sound engineers, and city planners, but if it’s anything like this album, it’s gotta be a great place to live, full of celestial, fun adventures, and crushing existential soundscapes. Wait a minute, that’s just life in any mid to large urban center, and in reality, adding extra echo would just contribute to noise pollution, and not in a good way. Great concept regardless.

Play It Again: “City of Echoes”
Skip It: No Skips Going Forward

1. The Fire in Our Throats Will Beckon The Thaw (2005)

The album title refers to the feeling of taking a fat bong rip after a worthwhile tolerance break, the mindset of petrochemical companies contributing to climate change, and the very same feeling you get after listening to this album after a long absence. It’s full of fantastic, trippy sounds, heavy riffing and possibly Pelican at their best instrumentally, with serious props being awarded to the tight rhythm section of Bryan and Larry Herwig. We sing along to all those lyrics every time they play any of these songs live, true Post-Metal chart toppers no stoppers. One of the defining albums of the golden age of Post-Metal, so fire that it could melt gold too.

Play It Again: The Whole Thing
Skip It: No Skips Here

AOL Running Man Found Unconscious After Drug Overdose At Chateau Marmont

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

LOS ANGELES — The world-famous yellow AOL running man was reportedly found unconscious at the Chateau Marmont last night after an alleged drug overdose following a night of partying on the Sunset Strip, authorities reported.

“Everyone can rest easy knowing the AOL running man is still with us,” said the Chateau Marmont’s hotel manager Leonard Briggs. “Upon discovering him passed out in the bathtub with a lit cigarette still resting between his fingers, our team performed CPR on him before an ambulance arrived to transport him to the nearest hospital. The Chateau is no stranger to this type of occurrence, we resuscitate dozens of celebrities a year. We can tell you we found several substances in his suite including poppers, whip-its, and heroin. It also looked like he arranged an ethernet cable in the closet in an attempt at auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

AOL representative, Don Jenkins, explained that AOL man may have been suffering from severe depression.

“We’re happy to hear that AOL man is in stable condition and is being cared for by the best doctors at UCLA Medical Center,” said Jenkins. “This event, however, comes as no surprise, seeing as AOL man has become irrelevant to the collective consciousness. After 2005, most people stopped relying on dial-up, and AOL man turned to nostalgia-based income sources. He began making appearances at Comic-Con and even signed up for Cameo to make some extra cash. He recently confided in us about missing the high he used to get from slamming doors when kicking users offline. He didn’t think he’d ever come close to that feeling again.”

Lead physician at UCLA Medical Center, Phoebe Trinh, stressed how important it will be for AOL man to focus on recovery.

“AOL man is in good hands, but he’ll need time to recover,” Trinh explained. “After pumping his stomach and assessing his general health, it looks like we will need to correct his deviated septum and perform rectal reconstruction surgery due to the amount of drugs he was putting into every orifice of his body. We would say it’s quite a conservative amount of procedures considering how much ketamine he’s boofed.”

AOL man’s PR team announced he will enter rehab for the next three months at an exclusive facility for early internet personalities, including Jeeves, Napster Cat, and the Dancing Baby.

Heartwarming: An Envelope Full of Anthrax Lost in 2001 Was Finally Delivered to Mitch McConnell

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up in the mailbox of its intended recipient over two decades later. That is exactly what happened when an envelope packed with anthrax was finally opened by Mitch McConnell earlier this week. We love a happy ending.

“I was sorting the Senator’s mail when I saw a weathered envelope addressed from a 4th-grade class in New Jersey postmarked from 2001. I couldn’t believe it and I knew he would want to open it right away, Senator McConnell loves children. He often says he feeds off of their energy,” said Capitol Hill intern Margot Yeats. “As soon as he opened the letter he was covered in a cloud of white dust. I assumed it was glitter that had gone stale over time, but then the Senator started to panic and saying things like ‘You moron, I’m going to die’ and ‘This can’t be happening, the deal I made says I have at least another 30 years. Damn you Satan.’ You could tell he was just having all the feels.”

What are the odds? Most people don’t stay in the same place for over 20 years, but thanks to America’s completely broken electoral system a good majority of politicians get to keep their positions of power for decades. The moral of the story? Don’t give up, miracles happen.

One unfortunate downside of the letter sitting dormant for so long was the anthrax spores lost a lot of their effect. Senator McConnell was given a clean bill of health after a round of antibiotics. Even the letter that accompanied the anthrax lacked punch. It said:

You can not stop us
We have this anthrax
You die now
Even cast of hit show Scrubs won’t save you
Are you afraid?
Death to America
Death to Israel
Allah is great

Just imagine how terrifying that would have been in 2001 while the country was on edge. And just imagine if those spores were pristine and ready to invade the Senator’s lungs. Things today could look a lot different. But as much as we’d like to, we can’t rewrite history. Weakened spores and dated Scrubs references aside, we just have to be thankful an old man probably shit his pants when he opened that letter, even if it didn’t kill him.

 

Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the Process

Posted on by Ben Friedman

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed.

“There’s something primal and manly about consuming raw meat. I don’t care if people tell me it’s dangerous or that raw diet influencers are liars. Our ancestors didn’t need to cook meat to get huge gains, I’m sure they pushed through the crippling symptoms of salmonella poisoning while hunting mastodons and shit,” said McGrath as he was hunched over his toilet. “I mean, shitting blood has to be part of the process, otherwise people wouldn’t do it, right? Soon as I can stand on my own again, I’ll have eight pack abs. I just have to believe I’m tougher than a deadly bacterial disease.”

McGrath’s roommate is worried that he’s watching his friend deteriorate in front of his eyes.

“Dave’s been caught up in several fad diets over the years, but the moment he walked in with $700 of prime rib from the butcher I knew this was going to be a shitshow. He was puking violently after the first meal, I don’t know why he’s still going through with this. He shouldn’t have doubled down with the turtle meat,” said Scott Faulk. “It’s hard enough he’s so weak I have to drag him through our apartment, but a few days ago after he saw me eating a carrot and lost his shit. I can’t tell if that’s brain rot from the obvious infection he has or the bad behavior of the diet peddlers he follows.”

Dieticians have previously made it known that the drawbacks of the raw meat lifestyle far outweigh its benefits, though it hasn’t been enough to deter people.

“It’s well established that people like the Liver King are full of shit and just doing steroids, but that’s not enough to stop people from buying into this farce. Here in reality, humans are omnivores and that’s it. There is literally no reason to consume uncooked meat like a mountain lion,” said Dr. Morgan Fischer. “If Mr. McGrath even seared his meat for thirty seconds he could’ve avoided these symptoms and continued to cosplay as a caveman, but I suppose being sensible would run the risk of being called a beta male.”

As of press time, McGrath assured loved ones that he’s just one raw penguin steak away from the perfect body despite now being transferred to hospice.

We Didn’t Kill OJ, But Here Are Six Songs We’d Be Listening To This Week If We Did

Posted on by Tim Sheard

New music is one of the most readily available forms of media on the planet, but you’re still listening to a scratched CD-R of System Of A Down’s ‘Toxicity’ in your car. What happened to you? As you make your way to work blasting ‘Chop Suey!’ for the billionth time, a dazzling world of new sounds passes you by. We have to put an end to this. Here are some new jams hand picked by our staff to help nudge you in the right direction.

Thursday “Application For Release From The Dream”

If you were wondering why your friend suddenly got bangs and re-pierced their lip, it’s because Thursday released their first new song in 13 years. If the lengthy title, ‘Application For Release From The Dream,’ doesn’t make you feel like you’ve been plucked from the modern hellscape and dropped into a 2000’s era Hot Topic, the band’s fresh-as-ever, genre defining sound will. Welcome back, Thursday. We’ve truly excited for our spin-kicks to have emotional depth once more.

High On Fire “Cometh the Storm”

Things have been getting pretty aggro in the office lately, and we have to assume that’s due to the fact that High On Fire is about to release their first new album in over half a decade. Within seconds of the band releasing the deliriously heavy title track to said album, ‘Cometh the Storm,’ four of our writers spontaneously grew beards and developed faded navy tattoos. We’ll be isolating them for our safety when the album drops in full next week.

Die Spitz “I hate when GIRLS die”

Austin’s noisy quartet Die Spitz released a new single, which means our Managing Editor has been asked to work remotely for the next couple of weeks. We can’t risk more furniture being destroyed and the Sabbath-infused riff mayhem on ‘I hate when GIRLS die’ threatens our windows too. When word got out about the surprise release, one third of our staff called in sick out of sheer fear. If you’re reading this, Gerald, it’s safe to come get your laptop.

Dehd “Alien”

Unless you’ve somehow been living under a rock, which is totally fine, you’ve probably been captivated by Chicago’s indie-rock trio Dehd. Their catchy-as-fuck, dancy, and simplistic grooves have made them one of the fastest-rising acts of the genre. Thankfully for our sadder office mates, they also know how to turn down the intensity without losing their earworm sensibilities. Their latest, ‘Alien,’ offers a cooled-down arrangement and one of the most endearing hooks we’ve heard in a minute.

Burning Lord “Clip My Wings”

One of our writers went missing for four days this week. When they returned covered in more garbage and sewage than usual, we had to ask what was up. Turns out they had been given an advance copy of Burning Lord’s debut album ‘Arcane Demolition.’ Within seconds of listening we understood the grimey condition of our beloved staffer. Burning Lord are making the kind of thrashy, vile, and debased hardcore that makes one want to start a circle pit in a city dump, which is apparently what our writer was doing alone for the front half of the week.

Pavement “Harness Your Hopes”

In one of the more bizarre shakeups of 2024, ‘Cut Your Hair’ is no longer the one song most people can name by the legendary indie slackers, Pavement. ‘Harness Your Hopes,’ once a majorly overlooked B-Side to the bands 1999 single ‘Spit On A Stranger,’ is now the band’s most streamed song by a long shot thanks to a TikTok trend called the ‘Utah Fit Check.’ We tried to get one of our younger interns to explain it to us, but they told us to ‘get fucked, old man.’ Some things are better left a mystery.

Because we know you’re now clamoring for even more music, we’ve compiled these and a fuckton more songs into a handy playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

Hell Yes: I Made a Song So Terrible Everyone on TikTok Is Calling It a New Subgenre of Pop

Posted on by Malia Simon

I finally did it: after years of creating absolute dogshit music that no one would listen to, I finally found a group of people who are willing to generate nonsensical jargon out of thin air in an effort to pretend I’ve made anything of substance. Hell yeah!

I honestly never thought this would work. When I uploaded “4GETTING SUMM3R 4 3VER (Oh, Oh, Oh)” to TikTok, my first thought was “Yeah, this is pretty garbage. You couldn’t pay me to listen to this shit.” However, something must have struck a chord with the TikTok audience, because 5 hours later I opened the comments to find people saying I just made the “techno-low-life pop song of the summer” that “blends PCP vampire teen with abused wood-creature core.” Cool!

All the praise has been great. The only thing is, it’s hard to keep up with what exactly my aesthetic is. One week I was “diaper-boy core” and the next I was “hydro-femme Soviet maximalist.” Sounds great guys, but slow down! Let me get all this down so I can whip up another song just like it and ride on my own coattails of a complete fluke hit into a fraudulent music career.

Uh-oh. Someone just made a stitch with my video saying, “Why is everyone hyping this up? This shit is complete unlistenable garbage,” and now everyone in the comments is agreeing and they’re all turning against me. Guys, come back! I guess I got a little drunk on the electrifying thrill of being loved by chronically online teens because this hurts bad. Even worse, how the fuck do I defend this when they’re completely right? The song is absolute dogshit garbage and I have no idea why anyone listened to it in the first place. I literally recorded it in one take in my voice memos. That doorbell ring in the intro that everyone was calling “esoteric” was actually just my Wingstop delivery guy.

Wait now! Someone just stitched that video saying my song is “bad in a self-aware way.” Hell yes! There is no better feeling than public opinion swaying arbitrarily back in your favor, and I for one am content with a career that is completely at the mercy of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we are lucky to live in a time when the taste and attention span of the general public has gone down the drain, and we should be shoving as much content down everyone’s throats as possible until the whole system inevitably caves in on itself. Until that day comes, I’m getting famous, bitch!

Eric Clapton Announces “Tears in Heaven” Now About Jesus Being Sad People Still Taking Vaccine

Posted on by Doug Kolic

SURREY, England — Musician Eric Clapton surprised everyone by announcing that his 1992 hit song “Tears in Heaven” is now about the Messiah’s despair that people are still using vaccines to combat COVID-19, confirmed sources who hadn’t that track in years.

“This song was originally written to help me cope with my son Conor’s sudden passing,” stated Clapton as he Venmoed more royalty checks to RFK Jr.’s presidential campaign. “But as time went on and my heart started to heal from the loss, a new pain started to develop after taking that evil Astrazeneca shot, which is why this song is now about the Heavenly Father crying that his ignorant children on Earth are still taking this poison. I feel very connected to Jesus since we’re all made from God’s image, especially me, so what cooler way to educate the masses about the ‘scamdemic’ than with the collaboration of two powerful spiritual forces.”

Long-time fan and nurse Patricia Healy expressed confusion about the song’s new meaning.

“This tune used to resonate with me because I also lost someone close, but I’m not sure I really get the message anymore,” said Healy. “I know firsthand that the vaccine saved millions of lives, so I don’t agree with changing its meaning. Plus, how the hell am I supposed to connect with it knowing that it’s now some weird antivax Christian rock hybrid? I’m vaccinated and an avowed atheist. Plus, I don’t buy him ever working with Jesus, not because I question his faith, but because Jesus is technically a foreigner and we all know Clapton’s thoughts on that.”

Music expert Taylor Berube says it’s not uncommon for artists to re-interpret their songs as they age.

“It’s very normal for the meaning of songs to evolve as artists gain more life experience,” Berube stated. “That’s why the best songs are ones that keep their meaning vague so they have a wider appeal. But a song like this was so specific to Clapton’s life that it makes it difficult to accept that it’s now about something completely different, transforming what was once a beautiful tribute to a lost soul, to now something that your drunk uncle would say after he downed a bottle of Wild Turkey.”

At press time, Clapton also announced that his cover of “I Shot the Sheriff” will now be about what he’ll do to any law enforcement officials who even think about implementing another mask mandate.