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Hell Yes: I Made a Song So Terrible Everyone on TikTok Is Calling It a New Subgenre of Pop

I finally did it: after years of creating absolute dogshit music that no one would listen to, I finally found a group of people who are willing to generate nonsensical jargon out of thin air in an effort to pretend I’ve made anything of substance. Hell yeah!

I honestly never thought this would work. When I uploaded “4GETTING SUMM3R 4 3VER (Oh, Oh, Oh)” to TikTok, my first thought was “Yeah, this is pretty garbage. You couldn’t pay me to listen to this shit.” However, something must have struck a chord with the TikTok audience, because 5 hours later I opened the comments to find people saying I just made the “techno-low-life pop song of the summer” that “blends PCP vampire teen with abused wood-creature core.” Cool!

All the praise has been great. The only thing is, it’s hard to keep up with what exactly my aesthetic is. One week I was “diaper-boy core” and the next I was “hydro-femme Soviet maximalist.” Sounds great guys, but slow down! Let me get all this down so I can whip up another song just like it and ride on my own coattails of a complete fluke hit into a fraudulent music career.

Uh-oh. Someone just made a stitch with my video saying, “Why is everyone hyping this up? This shit is complete unlistenable garbage,” and now everyone in the comments is agreeing and they’re all turning against me. Guys, come back! I guess I got a little drunk on the electrifying thrill of being loved by chronically online teens because this hurts bad. Even worse, how the fuck do I defend this when they’re completely right? The song is absolute dogshit garbage and I have no idea why anyone listened to it in the first place. I literally recorded it in one take in my voice memos. That doorbell ring in the intro that everyone was calling “esoteric” was actually just my Wingstop delivery guy.

Wait now! Someone just stitched that video saying my song is “bad in a self-aware way.” Hell yes! There is no better feeling than public opinion swaying arbitrarily back in your favor, and I for one am content with a career that is completely at the mercy of it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we are lucky to live in a time when the taste and attention span of the general public has gone down the drain, and we should be shoving as much content down everyone’s throats as possible until the whole system inevitably caves in on itself. Until that day comes, I’m getting famous, bitch!