Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up in the mailbox of its intended recipient over two decades later. That is exactly what happened when an envelope packed with anthrax was finally opened by Mitch McConnell earlier this week. We love a happy ending.
“I was sorting the Senator’s mail when I saw a weathered envelope addressed from a 4th-grade class in New Jersey postmarked from 2001. I couldn’t believe it and I knew he would want to open it right away, Senator McConnell loves children. He often says he feeds off of their energy,” said Capitol Hill intern Margot Yeats. “As soon as he opened the letter he was covered in a cloud of white dust. I assumed it was glitter that had gone stale over time, but then the Senator started to panic and saying things like ‘You moron, I’m going to die’ and ‘This can’t be happening, the deal I made says I have at least another 30 years. Damn you Satan.’ You could tell he was just having all the feels.”
What are the odds? Most people don’t stay in the same place for over 20 years, but thanks to America’s completely broken electoral system a good majority of politicians get to keep their positions of power for decades. The moral of the story? Don’t give up, miracles happen.
One unfortunate downside of the letter sitting dormant for so long was the anthrax spores lost a lot of their effect. Senator McConnell was given a clean bill of health after a round of antibiotics. Even the letter that accompanied the anthrax lacked punch. It said:
You can not stop us
We have this anthrax
You die now
Even cast of hit show Scrubs won’t save you
Are you afraid?
Death to America
Death to Israel
Allah is great
Just imagine how terrifying that would have been in 2001 while the country was on edge. And just imagine if those spores were pristine and ready to invade the Senator’s lungs. Things today could look a lot different. But as much as we’d like to, we can’t rewrite history. Weakened spores and dated Scrubs references aside, we just have to be thankful an old man probably shit his pants when he opened that letter, even if it didn’t kill him.