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AOL Running Man Found Unconscious After Drug Overdose At Chateau Marmont

LOS ANGELES — The world-famous yellow AOL running man was reportedly found unconscious at the Chateau Marmont last night after an alleged drug overdose following a night of partying on the Sunset Strip, authorities reported.

“Everyone can rest easy knowing the AOL running man is still with us,” said the Chateau Marmont’s hotel manager Leonard Briggs. “Upon discovering him passed out in the bathtub with a lit cigarette still resting between his fingers, our team performed CPR on him before an ambulance arrived to transport him to the nearest hospital. The Chateau is no stranger to this type of occurrence, we resuscitate dozens of celebrities a year. We can tell you we found several substances in his suite including poppers, whip-its, and heroin. It also looked like he arranged an ethernet cable in the closet in an attempt at auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

AOL representative, Don Jenkins, explained that AOL man may have been suffering from severe depression.

“We’re happy to hear that AOL man is in stable condition and is being cared for by the best doctors at UCLA Medical Center,” said Jenkins. “This event, however, comes as no surprise, seeing as AOL man has become irrelevant to the collective consciousness. After 2005, most people stopped relying on dial-up, and AOL man turned to nostalgia-based income sources. He began making appearances at Comic-Con and even signed up for Cameo to make some extra cash. He recently confided in us about missing the high he used to get from slamming doors when kicking users offline. He didn’t think he’d ever come close to that feeling again.”

Lead physician at UCLA Medical Center, Phoebe Trinh, stressed how important it will be for AOL man to focus on recovery.

“AOL man is in good hands, but he’ll need time to recover,” Trinh explained. “After pumping his stomach and assessing his general health, it looks like we will need to correct his deviated septum and perform rectal reconstruction surgery due to the amount of drugs he was putting into every orifice of his body. We would say it’s quite a conservative amount of procedures considering how much ketamine he’s boofed.”

AOL man’s PR team announced he will enter rehab for the next three months at an exclusive facility for early internet personalities, including Jeeves, Napster Cat, and the Dancing Baby.