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Man Trying Raw Meat Diet Hoping Debilitating Salmonella Part of the Process

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed.

“There’s something primal and manly about consuming raw meat. I don’t care if people tell me it’s dangerous or that raw diet influencers are liars. Our ancestors didn’t need to cook meat to get huge gains, I’m sure they pushed through the crippling symptoms of salmonella poisoning while hunting mastodons and shit,” said McGrath as he was hunched over his toilet. “I mean, shitting blood has to be part of the process, otherwise people wouldn’t do it, right? Soon as I can stand on my own again, I’ll have eight pack abs. I just have to believe I’m tougher than a deadly bacterial disease.”

McGrath’s roommate is worried that he’s watching his friend deteriorate in front of his eyes.

“Dave’s been caught up in several fad diets over the years, but the moment he walked in with $700 of prime rib from the butcher I knew this was going to be a shitshow. He was puking violently after the first meal, I don’t know why he’s still going through with this. He shouldn’t have doubled down with the turtle meat,” said Scott Faulk. “It’s hard enough he’s so weak I have to drag him through our apartment, but a few days ago after he saw me eating a carrot and lost his shit. I can’t tell if that’s brain rot from the obvious infection he has or the bad behavior of the diet peddlers he follows.”

Dieticians have previously made it known that the drawbacks of the raw meat lifestyle far outweigh its benefits, though it hasn’t been enough to deter people.

“It’s well established that people like the Liver King are full of shit and just doing steroids, but that’s not enough to stop people from buying into this farce. Here in reality, humans are omnivores and that’s it. There is literally no reason to consume uncooked meat like a mountain lion,” said Dr. Morgan Fischer. “If Mr. McGrath even seared his meat for thirty seconds he could’ve avoided these symptoms and continued to cosplay as a caveman, but I suppose being sensible would run the risk of being called a beta male.”

As of press time, McGrath assured loved ones that he’s just one raw penguin steak away from the perfect body despite now being transferred to hospice.