SEATTLE — A recent punk show at High Dive was canceled last-minute after door guy Morgan Dieter lost his one and only marker, sources confirmed.
“Without an inking implement, I am unable to do my job of making a little mark on everyone’s right hand so they can leave for a cigarette and come back,” said Dieter. “The only other writing tool we had at the venue was a No. 2 pencil. The last time I used one of those at the door, several attendees had to be rushed to the hospital due to severe blood loss. Turns out, you have to really jam a pencil into the flesh to get it to write an ‘X’ on a hand, and I’m told that graphite shouldn’t really be in your bloodstream. That’s why I make sure to never ever lose my trusty marker nowadays. Except for today. And last week. Also, five or six times last month. They really need to make bigger markers that are more difficult to lose. That would solve everything.”
Showgoers were noticeably upset at the cancelation but were understanding of the situation.
“There I was, standing in line, watching a grown man search every pocket and pat every area of his clothing, only to call off the show after searching for a mere two minutes,” said attendee Leigh Harrison. “I’m shocked they couldn’t just run out to Target to buy a new one. I heard that it wasn’t in the venue’s budget though, so they had to cancel the whole show. I completely understand. I don’t even know how much a marker costs. Like 100 bucks, right? That would financially ruin anyone.”
Experts claim they have seen similar instances at live music events.
“If just one element of a show is missing, the entire operation needs to be shut down,” said music critic Wes Thompkins. “One venue had to cancel a show because they forgot to order bright green wristbands. Another had to prematurely end a 21+ concert because one person had an out-of-state license and the door guy said checking those was not in the job description, so he quit right then and there. And more recently, a venue forgot to actually book the band that they advertised to play that night. It’s these little things that can close down an entire show.”
At press time, Dieter had found the marker the next day, but the venue had to cancel the show yet again because it unexpectedly ran out of ink.
If you’re thinking, “wait, the ‘Euphoria’ cast has time to celebrate birthdays in between smashing each other silly within their incestuous peer group, taking every drug available, and navigate high school life as a means to end trying to fulfill all their carnal desires?” Well, you kinda nailed it.
However, there really are 2 types of birthday people; the kind that stare off into space while they’re being sung to wondering if anyone would notice if they just jumped out the nearest window before the song’s done. Then, of course, the kind whose mission it is to interject the day of their monumental birth into every conversation 3 days prior and 5 days following the actual day. They’ll go out of their way to casually mention it to the store cashier, acting as if it accidentally slipped out.
And this mercurial group is not immune to either category. So let’s take a look at the characters from “Euphoria,” starting with who least likely wants you to know, all the way to someone who would push your face into their cake, candles lit, if that’s what it took for you to acknowledge their special day.
8. Fezco
While he might know what month his birthday falls in, it’s pretty safe to say his knowledge of the actual day may fluctuate based on how much THC is in his system at any given moment. Odds are he’s not 100% sure until the text comes in from his mom. Which, of course, he doesn’t see until the next day.
Birthday Week Duration: The time it takes to read a text from your mom and feel guilty about it, unless you’re too high to care.
7. Rue
Considering in all likelihood she was in rehab during her last one, birthdays aren’t really high on her priority list. However, she has back up from her sister and mom on this one, so the DOB doesn’t go unnoticed. Remember the person who looks for the window to jump out of while being sung to? She’s the archetype for this one. But on the upside, her mom probably doesn’t make her pee test as a gift.
Birthday Week Duration: The length of the Happy Birthday song + 5 minutes staring at a piece of cake that’ll go uneaten.
6. Chris
You know he’s like the most stable one on the show? Well, we’re happy to announce he’s also that stable when it comes to his yearly day. Model birthday citizen. No problems here. Football team sings to him in the locker room and the guy just smiles, makes eye contact, and doesn’t even look down at the guys who didn’t put underwear on before singing to him. And this guy shagged Cassie in season 1. Makes you want to hit him in the face, huh?
Birthday Week Duration: One normal day.
5. Lexi
Of course, Lexi kicks off our b-day durations exceeding more than a day, which you saw coming. But we’re not in “tiara wearing diva mode” just yet. They’ll be enough of that soon. In fact, the only reason Lexi’s birthday eclipses a day is because the celebration goes past midnight. Still pretty normal. Of course, her sister may or may not have told everyone at the party that her birthday was coming up. Why let the opportunity pass, right?
Birthday Week Duration: 1 Day, 2 hours.
4. Jules
Yeah, Jules likes to play it cool, riding that bike around like she DGAF, but we know how she really feels about the big day. She’s giddy for all that attention on what your Father deems, “Jules’s Day!” See you eager to smoke that birthday blunt before 2nd period with Rue. It’s safe to say the big day keeps creepin’ into the next… mainly because you didn’t come home that night and your dad had to give you the cake he got the following night.
Birthday Week Duration: Roughly 48 hours.
3. Cassie
Looking at her it’s safe to guess the crown doesn’t come off for days following the actual yearly date of birth. Surprisingly, she’s more of a “birthday weekend”-type. Which isn’t even that annoying because it’s just one long party. However, the drunker she gets, the looser the lips get with how much “birthday love” she’s surrounded by. And she gets 2 songs; 1 at school, 1 at home. Slightly indulgent, but not obnoxious.
Birthday Week Duration: 3 days.
2. Nate
This is just plain obnoxious, but his day goes on and on and on. We can blame an overly- protective Mother, an inflated football ego and the fact that he seamlessly moved from Maddy to Cassie. Got to admit, that’s a pretty good track record. But you can just see him walking down the hall in a Burger King crown for like 4 days following his actual birthday and it just makes it easy to want to throat-punch him.
Birthday Week Duration: 5 days.
1. Maddy
We made it! The tiara goes on at 7 a.m. the day before the actual day. Then the b-day breakfast kicked off by mom and dad washing her car before she even leaves for school. She spares us the wearing of the birthday sash, but that’s only because it’s wrapped around her locker door. And there’s definitely a little “special day” romance from her current guy (some random football player). He’s got more than enough birthday love to go around as his celebration was a Le Croix spiked with vodka on the way home from practice 6 months ago.
Birthday Week Duration: Over a week, less than 10 days.
AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — George Quinn, an account manager at the Babaco insurance company, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.
“Every day I come to work, I watch Chaz as he just sits there all day, breathing heavily from his mouth, with a completely blank expression on his face, totally oblivious to the fact this company crushed his spirits years ago. Absolutely incredible,” Quinn explained. “I’ve been in this dump for only eight years now, and it made me lose all hope for the possibility of having any sort of meaningful existence three years ago. I know Chaz has been here at least double that, and everyone says he’s always been that dumb. He’s one lucky sonofabitch.”
Charles “Chaz” Bunkle says the love for his company comes from the help of its policies and the people he works with.
“Well, after Babaco gave me a job, I felt like I owed it to them. That’s why I’ve never taken my PTO. Ever. You see, that was the very first step. Gotta establish respect early,” Bunkle stated, adding that time away from work just “distracts us from focusing on making our employers happy.” “Then I realized I was even more satisfied whenever I would stay after for an extra hour a day without pay, so I kept at it. Also, squealing on others helps out when things are slow. But with all this being said, I never let my coworkers feel intimidated by how much the bosses love me. God, I love it here.”
Donna Marquez, a senior manager at the company, says individuals too dumb to realize they’re being exploited often experience tragedy.
“I’ve been here 34 years now, so I can tell you that I’ve seen dumbasses come, and I’ve seen some dumbasses go,” Marquez explained. “But this one guy, Tim Rushwell. The guy refused to speak up about a faulty electrical socket next to his out of fear that if he made a fuss of any kind, his boss might not get his Christmas bonus. Then one day, poof, his mop-top of Vinny Barbarino hair acted like a rag soaked in kerosene. Poor guy didn’t even see it coming, except for the 100 times he could have pointed out the flaw, of course.”
At press time, Babaco awarded Bunkle the title of “Suckhole of the Month” for the 64th month in a row.
Okay class, may I have your attention for a moment? We know that there are some rumors going around about the school’s faculty and we like to confirm at this present time that, yes, they are all true. That’s right, class. Though you will mostly only see us as your humble and handsome educators, we, this community college history department, are collectively known as Constantinople (Not Istanbul) – the preeminent They Might Be Giants tribute band in the area.
We aren’t entirely sure how word got out about this undeniably hip side project of ours as we all use rock and roll pseudonyms to play under. You kids all know “Dr. Worm” right? Well instead on drums for us we have “Dr. Weevil” – specifically Dr. Thaddeus Kinsey Weevil who heads the department’s medieval cartography curriculum.
They Might Be Giants have played a large role in our academic work. In fact we’ve quoted lyrics from their songs in several research papers which every scholarly journal and Rolling Stone have refused to publish.
I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised that you kids found out. You’ve sure got yourself in on everything that’s “slaps” and “rizz” these days. And what’s really more “gagged” than songs about James K. Polk, mammalian biology, or the various Mesopotamian rulers? Yes, it would only be a matter of time before you all found us out.
But don’t think that just because you all now know that we’re secretly an educational alterna-rock cover band on the side doesn’t mean things are going to be any different in the classroom. We keep our professional and our hardcore personal lives separate, and we will not be grading on a curve. We’re still the boss of you.
That being said, if anyone wants to come to our next show at the Whittleman Science Center Imax theater stage we have plenty of tickets still available. Tickets are half off to anyone who brings a used textbook to donate to Little Free Library.
MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.
“Some people think I have a death wish, but I’ve had my eyes on the peak of this jackass since he planted himself in front of me during the opener. I knew the only way I was going to make it to the pit would be to kill my beer, tighten up my boots, and get climbing,” said McCutchen, clinging to the towering man’s hips. “He’s a bit bigger than the bouncers and cops I’ve vaulted over in the past, but at this pace I should be at the summit just before the headliner, and then I’ll punch this guy in the back of the fucking head.”
Onlookers couldn’t pay attention to the show out of fear and awe of McCutchen’s climb.
“Mike is fucking crazy! Even he must realize nobody has ever attempted to scale this dude. This guy is a straight six-foot, four-inch sheer drop who just plants himself near the front like an asshole and we all just have to watch bands in his shadow. Mike must be running on pure willpower and liquid courage,” said scene veteran Eric Wray. “Everyone’s buttcheeks have been clenched this entire time. It would be a symbolic victory for all of us, but free soloing a guy this tall without equipment? I guess if he dies, he’ll die a legend.”
Bouldering experts said that what McCutchen was attempting was extremely dangerous but not impossible.
“Punk mountaineering is far from easy, but trying to free solo it makes the likelihood of survival drop significantly. We all remember Bill ‘Scabies’ Johnson’s tragic fall from Joey Ramone’s shoulders at the Richard Hell show in ‘82. They had to peel him off the floor,” said Clive Calloway. “If Mike wants to make it back alive, he has to get a good hold on the pins and patches of this behemoth’s battle jacket and pray there’s enough dirt on it for some good footing. One can only hope Mike did the recommended amount of whippets in order to keep going.”
Later, McCutchen was dealt a demoralizing blow after he thought he’d reached the top and saw he still had to climb the man’s liberty spikes.
Another week has passed you by, you’ve been enjoying the warmer weather, and you’ve listened to almost no music. That’s a crime in several states if you didn’t already know. Especially during springtime. Because your rap sheet is already pretty lengthy, we want to make sure you’re in the clear. Here are six songs we listened to this week that should help you avoid those costly court fees. Click here to listen while you read. We know your attention span is shot.
Cursive ‘Up And Away’
In case your saddest, most literary friend didn’t already tell you, Cursivehas announced the follow-up to 2019’s excellent ‘Get Fixed.’ ‘Devourer,’ which is set to release in September, will be the band’s first effort in nearly half a decade, and it seemingly will be worth the wait. The deliriously dissonant and catchy lead single ‘Up And Away,’ marks a dazzling return to form while continuing to push the ever growing envelope of the group’s sound.
The Hope Conspiracy ‘Live In Fear’
Our office is currently being renovated. No, we didn’t really need an upgrade, it’s just that ever since Boston’s hardcore legends, The Hope Conspiracy, announced their first album in nearly two decades, at least half of our writers have been launching each other into the drywall. We would be angrier if the record didn’t fucking rip so hard. Welcome back, The Hope Conspiracy. We’ll send you the repair bill.
Petey ‘Home Alone House 2 feat. Owen’
As if last year’s stunner of an album, ‘USA,’ wasn’t enough to hold us over, singer-songwriter and internet sensation Petey is refusing to slow his roll. His latest, ‘Home Alone House 2,’ is a somber stroll through the trappings of youth that ultimately ends in hoping for some form of early onset dementia to ease the journey through adulthood and old age. When you get done being depressed as fuck, play it again to peep those harmonies.
Osees ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas’
At this point, we’re pretty sure John Dwyer is part of some weird government experiment that makes it impossible for him to not be recording a new album every second of every day. Less than a year after releasing the excellent ‘Intercepted Message,’ Osees have announced their 29th – yeah, you read that right – album, ‘SORCS 80.’ Along with the new announcement, they have dropped the disorienting ‘Cassius, Brutas, & Judas.’ The band is as chaotic as ever, and we are genuinely concerned. John, blink twice if you need assistance.
Illuminati Hotties ‘Didn’t’
Sarah Tudzin has had a busy couple of years offering production assistance to boygenius, Cloud Nothings, Speedy Ortiz, and likely way more than we’ve heard about. This frenetic schedule clearly hasn’t stopped her from crafting what we assume will be another masterpiece of an album under the Illuminati Hotties moniker. ‘Power,’ the follow-up album to 2022’s epic ‘Let Me Do One More’ promises to be another powerhouse with each single that is released. The latest, ‘Didn’t,’ features an assist from Cavetown, as well as truly gigantic guitars and even bigger earworm hooks. Try not to listen to it all day, you have work to do, probably.
The Offspring ‘Make It All Right’
There’s a hot new band making the rounds. The kids are calling them ‘The Spring’ which is short for ‘The Offspring.’ Perhaps we’re more out of touch than we previously thought, because this is the first we’re hearing of the California quintet. We doubt it’s the last however, because their latest single ‘Make It All Right’ is destined to be the song of the summer. Make sure to keep an eye out for these guys, because we have a feeling shit’s about to blow up for them!
Even though you just said ‘sick, I’ll check it out later,’ we know you better at this point. You have no intention of listening to any of these songs. Admit it. That’s why we created a playlist for you, so all you need to do is click here, and let the tunes roll. We update it every week too, so there’s no excuse not to have better taste from this point forward.
So you’ve signed up for an adult league of a sport. Maybe you played it in high school, maybe you are a big fan of the professional sport. All that you know is that you signed up to win, but your dumbass teammates want to have ‘fun’. Here are five tips to make your adult league teammates as competitive and angry as you.
Give a Patton-esque Pep-talk
The first thing you want to try with your complacent, weak teammates, is to motivate them the old-fashioned way: standing in front of a giant flag with a riding crop. The flag doesn’t necessarily need to be an American one, but if it isn’t, it definitely won’t work as well. Try to evoke a feeling of patriotism and good duty to your teammates, let it be known that the way to win a rec soccer game is by making that other son of a bitch die. You’ll come out of your presentation with a group of ravenous, blood-hungry patriots, ready to destroy some kickball.
Remind Them That They Joined An Adult Recreational League To Win, Not Have Fun
It’s very important that your teammates are in the same frame of mind as you: furious and obsessed with winning to a dangerous degree. You need to go to each and every teammate and remind them that they didn’t join to have a good time with friends, they joined to get irrationally pissed off over small calls that won’t matter in fifteen minutes. Implore them to remember that they’re here for victory, not the simple-minded concepts of bonding and entertainment.
Put A Ten-Thousand Dollar Bounty On Scoring
Admittedly to do this one, you must be quite wealthy. This tip is really quite simple: you tell your teammates that for every point they score they’ll receive a cashier’s check good for ten-thousand American dollars, or fifty-thousand Brazilian real. You’ll have to prove that you have the wealth to do it by sending it to one of your teammates. From then on, it’s a feeding frenzy. Your teammates will be fighting, throwing elbows, everything you ever wanted to see from your Quidditch teammates. Your approval is now an economy.
Frame The Opposing Team For Murder
You’re a competitive person. You play every game as if you’re avenging the death of your brother, so all you have to do is make your teammates play the same way. Kidnap one of your teammate’s loved ones, “Prisoners” style, and put them in a big pit in your backyard. Place the ‘murder’ weapon in one of the opposing team member’s home, and voila! Suddenly your team is fighting tooth and nail for the dub, and you’re loving it. After the fact, you can even release the person from your death pit. You will of course have to murder someone, but big deal, you’ve killed before.
Put Trace Amounts Of PCP In Their Water Bottles
Probably the most practical, and simple to pull off. Simply take a solution of 5% PCP 95% water, and fill a bunch of medical syringes with them. Go around to everyone’s water bottles, injecting the good stuff into them. At your pre-game huddle you suggest a toast of water to stay hydrated. Everyone drinks and next thing you know they’re ripping face and screaming at the opponents that they need to crawl back into their mother’s.
CLEVELAND — Local elementary school student Chase Farmer recently found himself in a predicament after winning a skateboarding contest at his local skatepark and being awarded the top prize, a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, concerned sources report.
“I was super stoked when they announced that I had won the contest. I had been practicing that run for weeks, but I was very confused when they handed me a full case of beer,” said Farmer. “I mean don’t get me wrong it felt pretty cool to be nine and pushing beer down the sidewalk on my board, because it was way too heavy to carry, but I have no idea what to do with it. I already kickflipped over it, so what else is there? Honestly, I would have much rather have won third place prize which was a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.”
Many participants who competed in the contest were also surprised when Farmer was given the beer, including 2nd place winner, 20-year-old Logan Ellington.
“Chase killed it out there, but I do think it was pretty irresponsible to not change the prize for him. Even I know that he’s too young for beer, it would have been better if maybe they had a bucket of fireworks or something as a back up prize for the kid,” explained Ellington. “I wish they would have just given him the bearings I won and the beer to me. I know I’m underage too but I’m like right there, in 8 months I’ll be able to drink legally. Plus I was kind of counting on that case to impress this goth chick, Lilith, who works nights over at Arby’s.”
Farmers’s mother expressed her anger and disgust when he came into the house lugging the 30-pack of beers.
“I couldn’t believe anyone would think that is an appropriate prize. I was beside myself, to allow a child to bring that piss water into my home,” said Mrs. Farmer. “I am ashamed and disappointed that I didn’t raise my son to know better than to accept such an atrocious beer. He should know damn well that this is a Busch Light household, and if he didn’t, he does now. He’s grounded until he learns about quality brewing. I just hope the liquor store will let me exchange it or give me store credit.”
At press time, Farmer’s stepdad, Terry Morse, promised to scrap the aluminum cans and buy him some stickers or something after he crushes them all while watching reruns of “Pawn Stars.”
This is a longshot, but you were at the Steel Panther show at the Viper Room last Saturday. You had blonde hair (real or bleached?), wearing cutoff jean shorts and a Dale Earnhart Jr. tank top. We locked eyes a few times during the set and I feel like we had an ethereal, unspoken connection one can only have during a comedy metal show after several hours of day drinking.
Actually, now that I think about it I’ve just described 80% of the crowd. If it helps to narrow it down further, you were flashing your boobs at the band while I was puking in the trash can next to the merch table.
I think you whipped your tits out during “Poontang Boomerang” or “Asain Hooker” and even though I was seeing double, they looked fantastic. All four of them were perfect. I think one of them was pierced, or that could’ve been my vision blending your ears with your nips as I was sticking my head in the bin. I think you were admiring my party animal aesthetic.
I don’t remember what I was wearing (my pants were missing when I got home) but I know you definitely saw me because I was clinging to the garbage can directly next to the merch table for dear life as the nine Jaegerbombs I had earlier evacuated my stomach. I was forced to buy three shirts because the backsplash from my puke landed on them. But they’re clean now, so if you want we could wear matching tour shirts on our first date.
When I regained the strength to stand on my own again, you were already walking away after the band invited you backstage. I tried complimenting another four other women who looked identical to you with a “show me your tits” chant, but they all told me they had boyfriends. All the more reason you were definitely the one that got away.
I’ll be back at the Viper Room next weekend for the Nikki Sixx show. I’d love to see you and your boobs again, and I’ll try to only drink six Bud Lights, max.
MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Unbearable conservative Doug Tannenburg told Descendents logo Milo that he should have chosen trade school instead of going to college in the ‘80s, confirmed irritated sources.
“College is nothing but a liberal breeding ground where George Soros teaches you about communism and pansexual orgies,” said Tannenburg. “That’s why everyone, including cartoon mascots on famous punk albums, should go to trade school where you can learn how to be a plumber, blacksmith, or dishwasher. I can’t believe anyone would want to spend that kind of money on a liberal arts degree when they could spend a fraction of the cost and learn how to hammer a nail or use a measuring tape. At least that’s what I think they do there. I don’t know for sure. After all, I went to the University of Texas for accounting because my dad donated enough money to build them a new library, and I am now fiscally successful as a result. Let this be a warning to all who are thinking about higher education.”
The scene-renowned logo defended his decision to go to college in 1982.
“In life, you must choose between going to college and being financially ruined, or not going to college and oftentimes getting paid less so therefore financially ruined. There are only wrong answers,” said Milo. “Plus, I went to college in the ‘80s when tuition wasn’t nearly as bad as today. They keep jacking up the price for some reason. It’s like our capitalist society wants to profit off of Americans’ desires to succeed monetarily. Yes, the world needs electricians. But you know what? They also need baristas, and you can only do that with a philosophy degree from NYU.”
Experts believed both sides had a tendency to be insensitive toward the other.
“Conservatives can’t help but criticize famous punk mascots and logos, but liberals can also be overly critical of them too,” said political pundit Laura Tesling. “For instance, a left-leaning voter once told the Misfits logo that he should practice mindful meditation because it was looking particularly angered. Another Democrat also once put one of those ‘in this house we believe’ yard signs in his front lawn before petitioning to get the skanking kid from the Circle Jerks logo removed from a homeless shelter that was a few blocks over.”
At press time, Tannenburg found common ground with Milo as they both believe everything sucks.
