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“Euphoria” Cast Members Ranked by How Likely They Are to Celebrate Their Birthday Week

If you’re thinking, “wait, the ‘Euphoria’ cast has time to celebrate birthdays in between smashing each other silly within their incestuous peer group, taking every drug available, and navigate high school life as a means to end trying to fulfill all their carnal desires?” Well, you kinda nailed it.

However, there really are 2 types of birthday people; the kind that stare off into space while they’re being sung to wondering if anyone would notice if they just jumped out the nearest window before the song’s done. Then, of course, the kind whose mission it is to interject the day of their monumental birth into every conversation 3 days prior and 5 days following the actual day. They’ll go out of their way to casually mention it to the store cashier, acting as if it accidentally slipped out.

And this mercurial group is not immune to either category. So let’s take a look at the characters from “Euphoria,” starting with who least likely wants you to know, all the way to someone who would push your face into their cake, candles lit, if that’s what it took for you to acknowledge their special day.

8. Fezco

While he might know what month his birthday falls in, it’s pretty safe to say his knowledge of the actual day may fluctuate based on how much THC is in his system at any given moment. Odds are he’s not 100% sure until the text comes in from his mom. Which, of course, he doesn’t see until the next day.

Birthday Week Duration: The time it takes to read a text from your mom and feel guilty about it, unless you’re too high to care.

7. Rue

Considering in all likelihood she was in rehab during her last one, birthdays aren’t really high on her priority list. However, she has back up from her sister and mom on this one, so the DOB doesn’t go unnoticed. Remember the person who looks for the window to jump out of while being sung to? She’s the archetype for this one. But on the upside, her mom probably doesn’t make her pee test as a gift.

Birthday Week Duration: The length of the Happy Birthday song + 5 minutes staring at a piece of cake that’ll go uneaten.

6. Chris

You know he’s like the most stable one on the show? Well, we’re happy to announce he’s also that stable when it comes to his yearly day. Model birthday citizen. No problems here. Football team sings to him in the locker room and the guy just smiles, makes eye contact, and doesn’t even look down at the guys who didn’t put underwear on before singing to him. And this guy shagged Cassie in season 1. Makes you want to hit him in the face, huh?

Birthday Week Duration: One normal day.

5. Lexi

Of course, Lexi kicks off our b-day durations exceeding more than a day, which you saw coming. But we’re not in “tiara wearing diva mode” just yet. They’ll be enough of that soon. In fact, the only reason Lexi’s birthday eclipses a day is because the celebration goes past midnight. Still pretty normal. Of course, her sister may or may not have told everyone at the party that her birthday was coming up. Why let the opportunity pass, right?

Birthday Week Duration: 1 Day, 2 hours.

4. Jules

Yeah, Jules likes to play it cool, riding that bike around like she DGAF, but we know how she really feels about the big day. She’s giddy for all that attention on what your Father deems, “Jules’s Day!” See you eager to smoke that birthday blunt before 2nd period with Rue. It’s safe to say the big day keeps creepin’ into the next… mainly because you didn’t come home that night and your dad had to give you the cake he got the following night.

Birthday Week Duration: Roughly 48 hours.

3. Cassie

Looking at her it’s safe to guess the crown doesn’t come off for days following the actual yearly date of birth. Surprisingly, she’s more of a “birthday weekend”-type. Which isn’t even that annoying because it’s just one long party. However, the drunker she gets, the looser the lips get with how much “birthday love” she’s surrounded by. And she gets 2 songs; 1 at school, 1 at home. Slightly indulgent, but not obnoxious.

Birthday Week Duration: 3 days.

2. Nate

This is just plain obnoxious, but his day goes on and on and on. We can blame an overly- protective Mother, an inflated football ego and the fact that he seamlessly moved from Maddy to Cassie. Got to admit, that’s a pretty good track record. But you can just see him walking down the hall in a Burger King crown for like 4 days following his actual birthday and it just makes it easy to want to throat-punch him.

Birthday Week Duration: 5 days.

1. Maddy

We made it! The tiara goes on at 7 a.m. the day before the actual day. Then the b-day breakfast kicked off by mom and dad washing her car before she even leaves for school. She spares us the wearing of the birthday sash, but that’s only because it’s wrapped around her locker door. And there’s definitely a little “special day” romance from her current guy (some random football player). He’s got more than enough birthday love to go around as his celebration was a Le Croix spiked with vodka on the way home from practice 6 months ago.

Birthday Week Duration: Over a week, less than 10 days.