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Punk Attempting to Free Climb 6’4” Man Blocking His View of Stage

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Mike McCutchen is attempting to free solo an imposing 6’4” man blocking the view of the stage during a show at The Fine Line, nervous onlookers have reported.

“Some people think I have a death wish, but I’ve had my eyes on the peak of this jackass since he planted himself in front of me during the opener. I knew the only way I was going to make it to the pit would be to kill my beer, tighten up my boots, and get climbing,” said McCutchen, clinging to the towering man’s hips. “He’s a bit bigger than the bouncers and cops I’ve vaulted over in the past, but at this pace I should be at the summit just before the headliner, and then I’ll punch this guy in the back of the fucking head.”

Onlookers couldn’t pay attention to the show out of fear and awe of McCutchen’s climb.

“Mike is fucking crazy! Even he must realize nobody has ever attempted to scale this dude. This guy is a straight six-foot, four-inch sheer drop who just plants himself near the front like an asshole and we all just have to watch bands in his shadow. Mike must be running on pure willpower and liquid courage,” said scene veteran Eric Wray. “Everyone’s buttcheeks have been clenched this entire time. It would be a symbolic victory for all of us, but free soloing a guy this tall without equipment? I guess if he dies, he’ll die a legend.”

Bouldering experts said that what McCutchen was attempting was extremely dangerous but not impossible.

“Punk mountaineering is far from easy, but trying to free solo it makes the likelihood of survival drop significantly. We all remember Bill ‘Scabies’ Johnson’s tragic fall from Joey Ramone’s shoulders at the Richard Hell show in ‘82. They had to peel him off the floor,” said Clive Calloway. “If Mike wants to make it back alive, he has to get a good hold on the pins and patches of this behemoth’s battle jacket and pray there’s enough dirt on it for some good footing. One can only hope Mike did the recommended amount of whippets in order to keep going.”

Later, McCutchen was dealt a demoralizing blow after he thought he’d reached the top and saw he still had to climb the man’s liberty spikes.