GLENDALE, Calif. — Disney’s beloved icon Mickey Mouse was unceremoniously fired after a decades-old airbrushed image of him smoking a joint recently surfaced online, Disney executives confirmed over the weekend.
“It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the termination of Mickey Mouse from the Disney family. We hold our characters to the highest standards of conduct and family-friendly values. Unfortunately, this particular image is not in line with the values Disney upholds,” stated Disney CEO Bob Iger in a solemn press conference. “This, sadly, comes right on the heels of us having to let Snow White go after a provocative, compromising image of her was found tattooed on the forearm of a motorcycle gang member in Sturgis, South Dakota. We have a zero tolerance policy here, and no exceptions are allowed.”
When reached for comment, Mickey Mouse himself denied any wrongdoing.
“That isn’t even me, folks! It looks nothing like me. This was done by some crappy street artist in Wisconsin Dells in the ‘90s. I’ve never been to The Dells! I’m contractually bound from ever going into a competitor’s theme park,” the once beloved entertainer said in a statement. “There are countless counterfeit renderings of me out there. I don’t want to point fingers, but Bart Simpson hasn’t been canceled for all of the crappy tie-dyed t-shirts of him saying some really bad stuff and even wearing blackface. The entire Looney Toons group did a photoshoot of them dressed up as ‘gangsta rappers.’ The ‘90s were a weird time, folks!”
Experts on corporate culture and media image have weighed in on the controversy, noting the complex dynamics at play.
“This incident highlights the pressures faced by long-standing brand icons to maintain a spotless public image,” explained Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of media studies. “The ’90s were a decade of artistic experimentation and rebellion, with trends like airbrushing, blacklights, and graffiti pushing boundaries and challenging norms. It’s not surprising that such a controversial image emerged from that era, but resurfacing in today’s context underscores the enduring impact of past artistic expressions on contemporary perceptions.”
Hot off the heels of his release from Disney, Mickey has announced he is joining an alt-right comedy tour to fight against cancel culture featuring Louis CK, Chris D’Elia, and Joe Rogan.
This thing is definitely not a moth. Moths are just bothersome little fuckers who like porch lights. This thing looks like it came straight outta the depths of hell for the sole purpose of ripping off my genitals and laughing as they wash down the drain.
Battra is basically just a scalier version of Mothra. So still no resemblance to this horror I’m currently shielding my vulnerable parts from, which as a reminder, has a prime directive of watching me bleed out due to severed genitals.
What the hell is this colorful ass robot thing anyway? It looks like it’s made out of Play-Doh. It’s not a monster, it’s not a bug. It’s useless to me. I’d welcome this thing in my tub.
Though admittedly this weird bug certainly does look like a mash-up of like four different things that shouldn’t be together, the Mecha-King-Ghidorah monstrosity just ain’t the right combination. Also, I’m pretty sure this bug is looking at my butt now, if it tried to crawl inside me I’m a dead man.
Nope. Too simple. Rodan is just a fucked up pterodactyl, and this bug looks like it only lives off of radiation and hatred.
This one does actually have some of the features of the bug, albeit mechanically. But just out of principle I’m putting all the robot monsters pretty low on this list. Robots and bugs just don’t mix, plus everyone knows robots hate water.
Though a toxic sludge kaiju is definitely the same energy that this bug is giving off, there are no physical similarities. At least I can give both of them credit for being incredibly ugly fucks. I wonder if I can drown this thing with my wife’s hair conditioner, but she might yell at me for “wasting” it again.
Alright, I think this is the last robot. Once again, robots aren’t bugs. Don’t try to confuse me, I need all of my focus on this abomination that I’m trapped in a confined, wet space with.
I guess this one kind of looks like the bug. Not as close of a match as Godzilla classic, but not a total departure from that frightening-looking animal currently blocking the shower door. If I just don’t make any sudden moves maybe it will lose interest.
Oh how simple it would all be if this thing were just a giant spider. If it were Kumonga that decided to show up while I was soaping my armpits I might not have given it a second thought compared to whatever devil this thing really is.
Now that we’re getting into the “middle of the road” monsters on this list a lot of these are starting to blend together. Also, I just made eye contact with the bug and I think it stole a piece of my soul. From now on I plan on drafting a will before each shower.
Minilla is actually kind of cute in a malformed Cabbage Patch Kid sort of way. I wish I could have placed him lower on this list but there were just too many damn robots that had to take up those slots.
There aren’t enough insectoid qualities to really make a strong case that King Caesar looks like the bug. But the unrestrained violence in this monster’s eyes still earns him enough of a comparison for this spot.
Godzilla classic is a pretty baseline comparison for whatever this horrible horrible thing is. I wonder if I can use a loofah as a weapon, or if my wife will be mad if I ruined her loofah fighting a kaiju.
Closer. Kamacuras definitely nails down the insect part of the equation. But looking at this thing, probably a little too intently, I can’t help but think there’s something more than that to it. Pazuzu maybe?
Oh God, it moved closer! The fucking bug moved closer to me! What do I do?! For the love of fuck what do I do?!
Destoroyah is actually pretty close. Plus a monster born out of Godzilla’s violent past is a surefire relative for this demon. Also, I’m starting to run out of hot water and I’ve thrown every shampoo bottle I can find at the thing.
Well this is really starting to get really scary for me here. This monster is truly a hybrid of all things horrifying. Biolante may not be a spot on doppelganger, but if it comes at me with those acid claws I might poop in here a little bit.
The old Godzilla movies really reused a lot of the same monster models. Similarly, I’m currently reusing this dull safety razor as a makeshift shiv in case this weird bug decides to try anything funny. I can tell it’s thinking about it.
I mean, what are lobsters besides sea bugs anyway? And Ebirah is basically just a big lobster who was mutated by radioactive wastewater. So yeah, there’s a fair comparison here.
Gigan is pretty close in form, but nowhere near as ferocious in appearance. Still, if I imagine the bug as more Gigan-like it makes it a little easier for me to try to sprint past it and the hell out of this entire house. I may actually have to just straight up move.
Okay, now that I see this thing and Monster X side by side I totally believe this is actually an alien. I would explain how it got in here without me realizing it. It just beamed in like some kind of xenomorph jerkwad to trap me in a case of my own juices.
Man, we are really getting close here. As much as I don’t like the idea of Orga watching me apply my prescription scalp oil, I guess there is some solace in at least knowing what it might be that finally decides to devour me.
It moved again! Oh fuck, it’s going in for the kill!
Yep, that’s it. The drill hands, the death wings, that fucking hammer sticking out of its forehead. How the hell did a Megalon get into my shower? At least now I know what I’m up against and maybe can get out of here. How did Godzilla beat Megalon in the movie? I hope it involves squirting Tresemme Volumizer at it and running like hell because that’s kinda my only option at this point.
The cover of Helmet’s seventh album looks like it was done by AI despite coming out fourteen years before ChatGPT was invented. Maybe worst of all the band’s logo has a horrendous default drop shadow on it. None of this has anything to do with what the album sounds like of course but it is a pretty good indicator that this is not Hamilton & Co. at their finest. That’s not to say it’s terrible since there are some classic Helmet riffs on “Welcome To Algiers” and a few new songs that go in a new direction that work like the breezy “LA Water.” But we need to start somewhere on the low end and this is the lowest of the low for them.
Right off the bat, “Monochrome” sounds like an attempt to return to their “Meantime” sound. Even the cover looks like a halfhearted effort at reliving their peak. You can’t fault them for trying but it is sort of the musical equivalent of getting back together with an ex years later. It seems like the good old days but you’re older now and just don’t have the energy to put up with them anymore and all your friends are a little embarrassed for you.
Playing the same heavy(ish) style of music for 30+ years based on essentially 3 or 4 frets of the guitar neck means that you’re probably going to run out of ideas eventually and honestly sounds like a living hell. Returning after a seven-year hiatus, Helmet released “Left” and somehow managed to break the formula they’ve used since the George Bush Sr. administration all while still actually sounding like a Helmet record. Is it their best? No. Is it their worst? No. Is it likely to be in anyone’s heavy rotation? No. Am I asking myself questions to answer to pad out this review since there really isn’t much to say about this album? Possibly.
Some songs on “Dead to the World” are a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Helmet’s influence on bands like Cave In come full circle with songs like “Life or Death” that sound like they were directly influenced by Cave In. Like, you could tell me I’m listening to later-era Cave In and I’d believe you. Unlike the previous couple of mid-career albums though, Hamilton seems to remember that his vocals sometimes need a little studio love and aren’t really the strongest part of their music. The vocals are also a little lower in the mix (as they should be). You aren’t Taylor Swift, my dude.
By 2004 all of the nu-metal bands that had been directly influenced by Helmet were (thankfully) starting to lose favor with the masses and the rise of mall emo had begun (un-thankfully). “Size Matters” comes across as Helmet’s best attempt at being a mainstream metal act. There are a lot of radio-friendly hooks and repeating choruses and the production is glossy and polished. Unfortunately, their big TRL moment never happened but 20 years later “Size Matters” is a perfectly fine time capsule to listen to while you throw on your old bootcut jeans and update your Myspace page. Did you know Myspace was still around by the way? I had no idea.
New York City in the late 1980s was not the sanitized, curated influencer selfie backdrop it is today. There were still areas you did not venture into at night or day. The bands of this time period reflected the harsh, you-could-die-at-any-moment reality of crumbling Gotham. It must have been tough for Helmet to find their place with the exploding New York hardcore scene of the late ‘80s since they weren’t hardcore and also weren’t really metal. Probably their harshest-sounding album both in instrumentation and production. It’s raw and aggressive and almost has a faint smell of a hot, urine-soaked 1990’s Lower East Side sidewalk.
After burning through a rotating door of second guitarists on the first few albums, Helmet released “Aftertaste” as a three-piece. The cover is the three members in silhouette disappearing into fog which is fitting since this is the last time this iteration of the now three original members would ever be seen. 1997 was a weird year for music as grunge had run its course and the awful backwards baseball hat-wearing burning sun of hot garbage called nu-metal was appearing above the horizon. Stuck in this in-between period was Helmet trying out some radio-friendly jams that in hindsight are some of their best songwriting.
The first of two appearances by Helmet on fantastic movie soundtracks for totally unwatchable movies (They were also included on the soundtrack to the ill-fated disaster “The Crow.”) There’s a lot to unpack with this soundtrack and its ambitious genre-melding collaborations but the clear standout is Helmet’s collusion with the Celtic Jersey adorned House of Pain on the song “Just Another Victim.” The classic era syncopated riffs, Paige Hamilton’s angsty vocals, lyrics about Jodie Foster and Harvey Keitel – this song’s got it all!
Somehow this album is now 30 years old and is still just as listenable as it was in 1994. If you were to listen to something in 1994 that was 30 years old it would be something like The Beatles and who the fuck would ever want to do that. “Betty” is slightly less aggressive and more accessible than their previous albums but still has all the machine-like hum and precision you expect from Helmet. Hamilton really shows off his musical chops by adding some jazzy elements here and there and doing what is probably his best clean singing than on any other release.
The cover of “Meantime” is a stark monochromatic image of what looks like a worker shoveling coal into machinery and that’s exactly what the album sounds like – a monolithic, well-oiled machine. The best lineup of the band delivering crushing riffs with John Stanier on drums absolutely destroying those things. Meantime essentially created a new genre of metal while simultaneously ending it since no other band including Helmet themselves could reproduce. “Meantime” helped Helmet achieve the most coveted prize a non-mainstream metal band could achieve in the ‘90s – being featured on an episode of ‘Beavis and Butthead’ with Butthead making the observation: “These look like normal guys, if they were walking down the street you wouldn’t even know they were cool.”
