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Freshmaker My Ass! I Popped a Mentos in Divorce Court and Still Lost Custody of My Kids

Every child of the 90’s remembers the legendarily corny Mentos ads, specifically how in every single one of them someone was faced with impending disaster only for them to come out on top simply by popping a refreshing Italian-Dutch candy. They implied that by taking just one, someone would become an instant problem-solving genius, sort of like the Limitless pill but mintier.

Well, I’m here to tell you that’s all bullshit because I popped one during divorce court in a last-ditch effort to keep custody of my kids and I still lost.

Before anyone starts lecturing me (especially if you’re my ex-wife) about not taking a custody battle seriously, just know that I had the odds stacked against me from the start. I happened to throw up last night’s bourbon at the start of the hearing wearing clothes I had worn for three days strait. It was like the universe didn’t want me to have my kids!

I figured popping a minty treat to cover up the smell of bile, along with a wry smile, could give me the insight to argue my case before the state. Clearly, it wasn’t enough for the judge to overlook the fact I spent my kids’ school clothes money on OnlyFans models.

The commercials made it look so easy! Just eat one and you can improvise your way out of any inconvenience and live happily ever after. But when I do it, I’m an irredeemable father and my alimony is doubled. What’s the statute of limitations on suing for false advertisement, or that they taste like old peppermint gum and glue? I’m sure there’s a judge in this courthouse willing to hear that case.

I don’t think I’m the only one who assumed eating a Mentos would easily disprove accusations of child endangerment. This is what I get for buying them in bulk instead of spending that money on a decent attorney! They were in a Foo Fighters video for fucks sake and they’ve never lied to me before!

In hindsight, it was stupid of me to think a breath mint would suddenly give me enough charisma to convince the judge that leaving my kids at the dog racing track doesn’t count as gross negligence. Though I wonder if there’s some other confection out there that could make me look like a decent father? I have another hearing about child support. York Peppermint Patty, don’t fail me now!