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Taco Tuesday Downgraded to Sucking on Mild Packets Found Between Car Seats

MILWAUKEE — Local resident Stephen Calagna found a new and incredibly sad way to take part in Taco Night by slurping his way through the stockpile of expired sauce packets found between his car seats, sources with vinegar coming out of their pores confirmed last Tuesday.

“During the ‘before times,’ $15 got you a suicidal amount of Taco Bell. But these days, you’re lucky if you can get a Crunchwrap combo and a large Baja Blast,” stated a pale and malnourished Calagna as he grabbed a small piece of stuffing from under the torn upholstery of his passenger seat and crammed it into his mouth. “As long as you add some texture to the equation, it’s almost like the real thing! It may not be a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, but who can afford cheese nowadays?”

Sarah Mitchell, an underpaid night-shift employee, turned a blind eye to Calagna’s acts of impropriety.

“At the end of the day, I don’t get paid enough to run the kitchen and also worry about loss prevention,” said Mitchell as she turned off the grills at 9 p.m. even though her store doesn’t close until two in the morning. “If somebody comes in, asks for a water cup, and proceeds to load their cargo pockets with as many packets of Mild, Fire, and Diablo Sauce as humanly possible, it’s reasonable to assume they’re not doing great. Just like any single mother you see stealing overpriced baby formula from Target— you didn’t see it, and it’s none of your business.”

Yum! Brands CEO David Gibbs, completely unaware of the economic distress that his former core clientele is experiencing, is thrilled by Calagna’s innovative and resourceful approach to enjoying Taco Tuesday.

“It just warms my heart to know that the working-class everyman can still make do with their limited resources to celebrate the weekly tradition of Taco Tuesday, despite the fact that we no longer care about value,” Gibbs gushed while slowly lowering himself into a bathtub full of guacamole that’s sold at an $.80 upcharge per two ounces. “Sure, it’s true that Taco Bell almost exclusively caters to drunken tech bros driving Lambos, but as long as they don’t crash through the store front, our bottom line will continue to please shareholders.”

At press time, Calagna was spotted chewing on coffee grounds from a Dunkin’ Donuts dumpster for a quick pick-me-up.