AUSTIN, Texas — Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people, deranged sources confirmed.
“Texas has a rich history of putting innocent people to death, 16 that have been proven in court, and a few of those innocent people weren’t even mentally competent enough to understand what was happening. We are proud of that,” commented Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “We’ve had many citizens contact our office asking why it’s been so long since an innocent person has been murdered by the state. Unfortunately, blaming left-wing communists isn’t cutting it anymore. That’s why we are holding this event, to honor one of the greatest films ever created and satisfy the bloodlust of our insane communities.”
Although there have been some mixed reviews on the ceremony, the response has been mostly positive especially from convicted serial killer Richard Katowski, also known as, “The Giggling Grandma of Galveston.”
“Ah yeah, the nickname tends to confuse people. I used to dress up as an old woman to give people a false sense of security and then I’d tell them jokes the whole time I was torturing them. I’m a big ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ fan,” explained Katowski without blinking. “I’m excited for the celebration, any time an innocent person is killed I get rock hard, I’m talking forged steel, you could use this thing as an anvil if you wanted. Plus, I was scheduled to die next month but it got delayed because they needed all the pentobarbital for the fest, and since I’m guilty as hell so I’m ineligible for it.”
The celebration will be kicked off by “Green Mile” actor Tom Hanks who seemed to not understand what was happening.
“I’m honored to open the ceremony. I am enormously proud to have been a part of that film that has such a great legacy here in Texas,” said Hanks. “People think I’m such a nice guy, but I enjoy watching the life drain out of a person’s eyes as much as the next guy. I can’t wait to see the electric chair in real life, I want to be the person who pushes the buttons that inject the deadly cocktail into the veins of an innocent person while their mother cries behind soundproof glass. It’s why I got into acting.
At press time, Governor Abbott remarked that while Texas is elated for the celebration, it pales in comparison to what they have planned for the anniversary of “American History X.”
Yes, wolves tend to live in caves, but that’s just for protection from the outside world. Wolves like wide open spaces, roaming freely and majestically around the open forest is sort of their whole thing. Combine that with a teenager’s natural resistance to following careful instruction and their innate jumpiness in uncomfortable or claustrophobic situations and we can be pretty confident that this scenario only ends with Teen Wolf dead in a subaquatic cavern somewhere.
This one may initially be surprising as both wolves and teens generally appear to do quite well on ice in the wild. The key here being that this is vertical ice – big difference to Teen Wolf. Even though it does technically have opposable thumbs, there are way too complex of tools being used on this sport.
The only advantage that Teen Wolf has when it comes to white water rafting is that this is where every suburban teens dad made their family go for vacation one year and it’s the one vacation that all of those families still refuse to mention in polite conversation. At least in that instance he’ll have some prior experience.
Okay, look, we could only really name like a dozen or so X-Games sports off the top of our head, so we grabbed a whole bunch more off some list we found on line – and pole vaulting is one of the things that was on that list. Yeah, we don’t get it either. But we do trust that Teen Wolf would suck eggs at it. I mean have you ever met anyone that pole vaulted?
Zorbing actually looks pretty fun, but in the context of this list it sort of seems like animal cruelty. Imagine putting a labrador retriever in a big, semi-transparent ball and then tossing it over the edge of a gorge – not a good look. Teen Wolf is only part wolf, but we think it’s enough to still piss off PETA.
Highlining is basically slacklining except in at an altitude that if you fuck up you die. Teen Wolf certainly has expert balance but, frankly, we don’t understand how any creature is accomplished at this obvious death wish of a hobby.
Teen Wolf may be fearless and a daredevil, but somehow we just don’t buy him being able to properly fold and pack a parachute in working order.
There are a fewschools of BMX, there are the dirt tracks where people race in full gear, there is dirt jumping, half pipe, even street BMX. Unfortunately Teen Wolf sucks at them all, his weight distribution is all weird and for some reason he’s really afraid of knocking all his teeth out on his handlebars.
Similar to base jumping, but with the added element of having a kickass bat-gliding costume to tool around the skies in. This means our Teen Wolf will be able to at least be able to do some sick aerial moves before realizing his reserve chute is tangled in a mass of unkempt back fur.
This one really should be higher. Like, a werewolf would obviously dominate any fight club anywhere. But a Teen Wolf is actually kind of a pacifist wuss. So we’re giving this one a middle of the road position for natural ability, but we guess not for natural spirit.
What even is this sport besides just being in nature and going up? Yeah, Teen Wolf would be fine at that. Like, almost anyone would be fine at that.
It seems like whenever we picture Teen Wolf in our heads the soundtrack to a ’90s N64 jet ski video game starts playing automatically. So at the very least this sport is definitely the right aesthetic for our guy here.
The hardest part of this one is getting those wolf paws to properly strap into the goddamn board. Have you ever tried dealing with those fuckass boots that are supposed to lock into it? Never fucking work right.
The mountain luge is well within Teen Wolf’s natural ability. However, it would be his inability to not go “WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” while coasting down a mountainside, thus eradicating his outer cool demeanor, that places this one in the middle of this list.
Once again, it’s just jumping off a thing and not dying. Anyone can do this, wolves of any age notwithstanding.
We spent a frankly embarrassingly long time going down a Google rabbit hole for the phrase “werewolf beach party movie” and we just want to say that this is a genre that has apparently been sorely neglected. Anyways, Teen Wolf can surf on top of a van, we’re pretty sure he’ll kill it on some gnarly waves as well.
Don’t try to act like this isn’t another one of the ones we found on some “extreme sports” list online and just kind of went “yeah, that’ll work.” Really you should be more intrigued as to why we decided to rank it this high. We’re actually not gonna tell you – you do your own Teen Wolf critical thinking on this one.
He’s got the speed and he’s got the reflexes. The only flaw for motocross is that Teen Wolf would constantly be stopping his bike to roll his back around on some neat dirt clods he found. You might be saying “Wait, if he’s good at this how can he suck at BMX?” Simple, he doesn’t have to pedal a dirtbike.
Parkour seems to be more about looking good in TikTok videos than it does much actual physical acumen. Still though, Teen Wolf was in that one school play – so we know he can act in front of an audience.
You might not know this, but Teen Wolf was actually a very good rollerblader as a preteen. Unfortunately he grew up in a time rollerblading was seen as “uncool” and kept this secret talent under wraps. But lately he’s busted out his old pair of Roces and took out his old collection of “Daily Bread” magazine from his attic.
We’re sure Air Bud already did this in one of the sequels. Lame, but at least we have precedent.
So, it’s basically the Westminster Dog Show obstacle course if they built it in a swamp? As long as he gets a “good job” treat at the end (which for a Teen Wolf we’re guessing is an entire Little Caesars pizza covered in man-blood) he’ll have no issue with getting down in the mud.
Teen Wolf has always taken to skateboarding, he’s been doing it for a long time but still gets frustrated by the fact he can’t do nollie flips, but here’s the thing, he has great nollie tre flips. If you see Teen Wolf doing some flatground skating you best just keep walking, he might get pissed off and tear you to shreds.
Same thing as motocross for this one, but we figured a natural quadruped would do better on four wheels than two. Plus, the “all-terrain” aspect gets some tough mudder in here as well. Man, he would crush this.
If there’s one thing we all know about Teen Wolf it’s that he is the most radical dude there ever was. And jetboarding is by far the most radical extreme sport there is. Just the name on its own, “jetboarding,” sounds like every other extreme sport combined into one. It takes balance, speed, coordination, not being afraid of smelling like a dog, and most likely wicked cool Ray Ban sunglasses. These are all classic examples of Teen Wolf charm. Finally we find what the wolf would be best at.
There was no way this wasn’t going to be the worst venue on the list. You’re inside a literal whale stomach. Not even sure if it’s a whale. It’s some sort of fish god that the other fish people worship that wears a crown and has a belly ache. It’s hard to imagine what the smell would be like in there… probably similar to a crust punk show at a VFW hall on a 95 degree day. Also can’t imagine what type of band would even want to play in such a venue. It screams exclusively gore metal or some shit. No thanks.
Obviously the biggest on the list, this venue is reserved for stadium acts too big to play the small rooms they started out in. It’s close proximity to the downtown area, sitting just outside the city, you have to climb a shit ton of steps to get to where you gotta go (and the higher up you get, the more difficult people are to deal with), and when it’s over, you have to rush out as quick as you can to beat traffic. Not to mention it costs 99 rupees just for a bottle of water. All that to say, not my kind of scene.
I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere about the venue being “underwater” depending on what music you play, but let’s go the less obvious route: this is an EDM festival’s dream site. Think about it… the layout is confusing as all hell, you meet up with your friends as soon as you walk in, only to immediately lose them trying to follow them, and don’t find them again for the rest of the show. Not to mention you’re on so many drugs that you have to battle to suppress the deepest, darkest version of yourself to continue. The irony is that maybe in my younger days that would sound fun to me, but now that I’m an adult, you wouldn’t catch me in this setting at all. Not by a longshot.
Has there ever been a more obvious goth venue than the Shadow Temple? It’s in a graveyard for Christ’s sake. “What is hidden in the darkness… Tricks of ill will… You can’t see the way forward” “Make my beak face the skull of truth. The alternative is descent into deep darkness.” These may as well be lyrics from The Art of Drowning. What’s worse, the place is run by a bongo player. A fucking bongo player. Even bassists look down on bongo players. Although, not going to lie…how fun would it be to headwalk off a stage across an audience with the hover boots on, only to get to the pit and keep floating on air until you reach the back crowd and continue headwalking?
While not technically a dungeon in the game, we’d be remiss not to mention this absolute specimen of a venue. Think Limelight in the ‘90s. You just know some wealthy Hyrulian with millions of rupees would have bought it and put a techno club in there. A place where all the creatures of the land could come together… Zora, Goron, Kokiri, Sheik, Gerudo, whatever the fuck a Deku Scrub is, all tripping balls partying with one another. That’s the future Hyrule deserves.
Needing some medieval weapon to even access it? Giant skeletons in armor waiting inside to challenge you to a swordfight? Being in the middle of a literal forest? Sounds like a black metal show to me! The venue is even owned by an “Evil Spirit from Beyond” who has pictures of himself on horseback all over the office. You just know that Dimmu Borgir or Goatwhore would tear the roof off this temple.
While the giant dinosaur skull in the main entrance room screams metal, this venue feels like it could pull double duty and host a good rap and/or hip-hop show. There’s Lizalfos with knives trying to stab you in multiple rooms and pyrotechnics galore. Where else would you be able to get a “bomb bag,” if you catch our drift? The type of bag you’d need the worlds finest eye drops after. Infernal Dinosaur is the most metal band name ever, while King Dodongo sounds like a member of Wu Tang Clan. Also, Ocarina of Rhyme made a sick remix of No Jumpercables by Aesop Rock using the Goron Village theme.
Finally, an all ages venue that both kids and adults can go to. This temple is located in the middle of a desert and focuses heavily on the spirit, which kinda feels like a fine place for a Krishnacore concert. Think of Porcell and Cappo as the two witch sisters who run the venue that can only be defeated with a “magical mirror.” Pretty sure Iron Knuckle is a Shelter cover band actually.
This venue is metal as fuck. It’s in a volcano, has a fucking dragon flying around, and you get a war hammer to start fucking shit up with. And above all that… it’s HOT. You need a special fire-resistant hoodie just to get in. There’s even a guy who you’ve met exactly one time in your life who is waiting as soon as you walk in the door calling you his sworn brother. It sounds like every metal show I’ve ever been to. Replace the controversial chanting music of this temple with Dragonforce and no one will bat an eye.
Ever see a flyer for a house show that says “ask a punk” instead of listing the actual address? The Deku Tree is every punk house you’ve ever been to. There are cobwebs everywhere, a gigantic spider seems to run the entire dungeon, and its owner is on his deathbed after being afflicted by a mysterious illness. On top of that, there is some punk kid blocking the entrance until you can prove your street cred. You can imagine seeing the likes of Discharge or Aus Rotten in the basement where you fight Gohma. In fact, Parasitic Armored Arachnid sounds like a crust punk band if I’ve ever heard one. With wood everywhere, the acoustics would probably be awesome too. If this venue actually existed, it would go down in the history books with the likes of City Gardens and Gilman.
What made their debut so fun and listenable just two years earlier was the mix of fun and catchy pop songs with a variety of sounds that were very openly taken from different musical styles and cultures. But Vampire Weekend’s sophomore effort “Contra” kinda feels like they left out the passion and just went “what if we really Paul Simon’d this shit out of this?” Because what it mostly lacks is authenticity. While their debut came off as college kids having fun with different styles at first, “Contra” sounds more like grad students trying to explain a different culture to a person from that culture. They probably get a few things right, and sure it seems like their heart is in the right place. But c’mon. Read the room, bro. Read the room.
After the release of “Modern Vampires,” the band amicably split with keyboard player and co-composer of pretty much all their stuff, Rostam Batmanglij. The first album without a seminal member of a band is always gonna be tough. Do you hire someone new and better and show that you’re just as good? Or do you write a bunch of songs that don’t feature what that former member did, and prove you genuinely don’t need them? Well if you’re our Weekend Vampires, you do neither and instead go for quantity. Of what, you ask? Literally everything. Songs, guests, instruments. “Father of the Bride” goes hard on all those things. And the results are mixed. Some great songs, some not-so-great songs, but overall too many songs. The single “This Life” is honestly one of the band’s best, and the lyrics are clever and depressing, one of our favorite combos at ye olde Hard Times. But by the second half of the album just drags so much. And that’s not the vibe bro. That’s just not the vibe.
Out of the blue, this band was everywhere. The radio. The internet. Late-night talk shows. SNL. Absolutely everywhere. Not only that, but they were also adorable. And their songs were catchy and danceable. There was a semi-punk sensibility to what they were doing while also not having a classic punk sound at all. Anyone who saw them live said the energy was infectious. 2008 was a big year for “indie rock”, whatever that might have meant back then. Frightened Rabbit, Tv on the Radio, and The Hold Steady all put out good albums that year. So with Wes Anderson-style videos, radio-friendly tracks, and a name that, at the time, seemed annoying as shit, it’d be easy to hate this album. But nah. Because sometimes the pool party calls for Entombed’s “Left Hand Path.” But sometimes you just need catchy jams that are fun. And this band is fun, bro. This band is fun.
We definitely didn’t have Vampire Weekend’s most recent album being their second-best album on our bingo cards. Yet here we are. It definitely feels like they learned some lessons with the last album. This album feels sad and fun in the ways that their debut and MVIC were. The band also feels in on it. They know what they are. They aren’t trying to reinvent the wheel. They just want the wheel to fucking go. That said, new albums can be a trap. Perspective changes over time, so we could easily see ourselves looking back in a few years and not loving it. But at the moment, this album is killing it. While after a listen, “Father of the Bride” had that feeling of “huh… maybe it’ll grow on me,” “Only God was Above Us” ends with us genuinely wishing it wasn’t over. Vampire Weekend is back, bro! Grab your boat shoes,Vampire Weekend is back!
This album is the soundtrack to a specific party in a specific area of NYC at a specific time in history. And let’s be honest: you weren’t at that party. To be clear, neither were we. But we all wanted to be. We can pretend we don’t care. We can act like we weren’t looking at the pictures everyone at the party was posting on Facebook, but we were. We all were. Oh, Brad and Sarah were there? Huh. How come they knew about the party but we didn’t? Whatever, doesn’t matter. We don’t even wanna go out. Which is great. Because instead of being at that party, we were at home. Laundry piled up. Fridge smelling like death. “Boondocks Saints” poster on the wall. Or maybe by now it was a Tarantino film, maybe a protest poster. Either way, whatever emotion it evoked in us when we put it up there hasn’t been felt in this aging skin suit for at least a year. Binge-watching “West Wing,” or “Sex and the City,” or “The Wire.” Eating a whole bag of Tostitos with a hint of lime in our pajamas. We call them our pajamas, but they’re gym shorts that we bought on that one day we thought we might start exercising. And as we click on the video someone posted of everyone having an awesome time at the party we weren’t told about, we see the sweaty mess of absurdly attractive humans dancing, smiling, and singing “If Diane Young won’t change your mind, baby, baby, baby, baby, right on time.” And we smile. We know that song. So we put on “Modern Vampires in the City” and quietly sob to ourselves. That’s why we love this album. It’s a looking glass into the world we were never part of. And we never will be, bro. We never will be.