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So, Mister Bond, Will It Be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?

Mister Bond, welcome to my inner sanctum. I had hoped that you would manage to elude my men, even the very deadly and ethnically ambiguous Port Salud. In the eventuality that you made it to this, my hyperbaric chamber in the midst of a volcano shaped like a skull, I thought you might like some…shall we say, refreshment.

So, what shall it be, 007? Will it be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?

Surely, a man of your talents is not afraid to taste a little of Mountain Dew’s finest, most extreme, most totally fucking bodacious concoction? I seem to recall there was a time when His Majesty’s Secret Service was made of sterner stuff and Double-0 agents were not afraid to do the proverbial dew.

Hold it right there, Mister Bond!

Make no mistake, I normally may not be your match in crude fisticuffs, but I spent the precious 90 seconds it took you to break into the sanctum chugging Dew X-Treme, and my body is fully ready to open a can of whoop-ass on your pasty Scottish ass.


If you take even a step closer to my magnificent Strontium Enhancing Array, I will be forced to get totally wicked on you, Mister Bond, you don’t even fucking know. The countdown cannot be stopped, and soon, Earth’s entire supply of strontium, the element necessary for the manufacture of America’s precious glow-in-the-dark novelties, will be under my control.

Bow to your precious NATO all you like, 007, but in the modern novelty world, there is only one true superpower: he who controls the strontium. The Mountain Dew X-Treme is just the beginning of the spoils.

Do you remember the offer I made you in Knoxville, the birthplace of the Dew itself? We could have been partners in the new world, Mister Bond. But you had to oppose me, and now you’ll die without a single ounce of strontium left to you. And I will be the one with the X-Treme flavors!

Mountain Dew Code Red! Mountain Dew Baja Point Break Punch! Even Mountain Dew Passionfruit Frenzy, they’re all mine! You’ve lost, Mister Bond! Lost! HAHAHA!


What’s that you’ve got there, what are you waving at me? Why, it’s an ordinary pen. I don’t see how that’s supposed to intimidate me unless… wait. Is it full of Mountain Dew?!