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Cynic Claims Toyotathon “Only Invented To Sell Cars”

BROOKLINE, Mass. — Local cynic Winston Buckler has panned the joyous advent of the Toyotathon as nothing more than a “way to sell cars,” sources confirmed.

“It’s literally just a way to peddle vehicles to gullible people,” the grumbling skeptic muttered. “I’m not angry about it. I’m just saying that Toyotathon is a corporately sponsored event that incentivizes people to buy their products. My neighbor was screaming at me, saying that I was ruining the holiday season by lying about corporate involvement. I told him ‘You don’t think the company called Toyota invented the Toyotathon for profit?’ He then looked at his driveway packed in with eight Toyota trucks, looked back at me, and said ‘no.’”

Buckler’s reckless iconoclasm has affected a lot of people negatively, namely his 16-year-old daughter.

“All the kids at school make fun of me because of my dad,” said the lilting Jenna Buckler. “Every Saturday my friends are taking test drives at the dealership and purchasing high-quality vehicles for low, low prices, often times with no money down, but anytime I try to join in, they point at me and scream ‘DISSIDENT!’ And my school is decorated in all things Toyota. Last week in history class I had to do a presentation on the importance of the Corolla Hatchback on our nation’s technological and emotional progress. I wasn’t raised in a Toyota family so everyone kept hissing and vrooming at me during my speech including my teacher. I hate it! I’ve started walking to school to avoid anyone seeing that embarrassing Ferrari dad bought me.”

In the midst of Winston’s campaign of falsehoods, he encountered a strange figure in his study during the wee hours of the night.

“Honk Honk! Tis I!” bellowed Toyotathon Don, the auto manufacturer’s whimsical mascot. “My dear boy, you must open your heart to the wonders of no-cost maintenance plans and 0% APR on select vehicles before it’s too late! You’re driving your family away and not in a sensible yet stylish 2024 Sienna LE. For you see, Toyotathon isn’t about money or cars. It’s about love… love of how you could spend your money on a car. That love has been written about for centuries. When the Greeks conceived of ‘eros’ and ‘philia’ to describe different forms of love, they also conceived of the root word ‘toyota.’ You don’t want to get left behind. So say to yourself right now, before it’s over, ‘Let’s Go Places!’”

At press time, Winston’s heart that had grown two sizes too big and suddenly felt the urge to purchase a Prius.