Band Launches “See Original Lineup Before One of Them Dies” Tour

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Citing the ever-increasing reality of their impending mortality, members of the iconic punk band Broken Tongue announced the original line-up was getting together to tour one last time before one of them croaks, sources report.

“I’m turning 60 and, to be honest, I didn’t think I’d live this long to begin with,” frontman Benny Timor reported. “I’ve been smoking two packs a day for god knows how long, I drink like an Irish sailor, and I’ve pumped just about any drug you can think of into my system. I’m not long for this world. Even though I said it’d be a cold day in hell before I played with any of those pricks again, we feel we owe it to the fans to let them see us live one more time before the inevitable, which, if you’ve seen our guitarist, is probably any day now.”

“Plus, I just refinanced my mortgage and the interest rates are killing me,” he added.

Fan reaction to the impending tour was mixed with some expressing interest while others were more skeptical.

“Something about this is a bit fishy, like is one of them actually dying,” a longtime fan asked. “My moral compass is pretty much non-existent, but pretending you’re on death’s door just to make a few bucks is pretty low, even for me. At the same time, while I’m not trying to encourage this kind of behavior, ever since Grant Hart and Steve Albini died, I feel like I should just throw aside my ethics and pay the $75 bucks to see them since I may never get another chance to do so.”

Scene experts note that many of these bands brought this situation on themselves by diving fully into the “rock-n-roll lifestyle.”

“Look, I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but these guys made their own bed, now they need to lie in it,” said zine editor Shane Dagan. “Punk isn’t about self-destructive actions, so I won’t be indulging this cynical cash grab. Nobody forced these guys to smoke ten packs of cigarettes a day and the amount of alcohol these guys drank was legendary. If they had tried the tiniest bit of moderation then they wouldn’t have to worry about dying of lung cancer or cirrhosis at 50. Look at Fugazi. They live healthily so they can continue to dangle the possibility of a reunion in front of us for decades to come.”

Reached for further comment, the band announced the tour was delayed pending results of the bassist’s prostate biopsy.

BITE THE HAND sign with Wiretap Records, prepare new album

Posted on by Jake Skudder

 

Emotional Hardcore band BITE THE HAND have announced their signing with SoCal-based indie Wiretap Records.

The band will be releasing their upcoming album “Conned Out Of Life” later this summer. The announcement comes just weeks before the band prepares to release another song from that album, a track called “Smile Baby,” which is out on Wednesday, June 26th on Wiretap.

Ahead of the release, the band discussed the move to Wiretape in a press release: “When we went into writing ‘Conned out of Life’, everything just clicked for us. We all have so many ideas individually and it felt like everyone could bring their own personalities into the writing process and still have it shine cohesively.

BITE THE HAND talk new album

“This is us, a little weird, a little sad, definitely pissed off but totally here to make sure everyone is seen and represented. We will never compromise the integrity of who we are; a bunch of punks, hardcore kids, and elder emos putting our heart into our art.

“We want everyone to feel represented and seen on this record in the same way we make sure everyone feels seen at our shows. When we first met with Rob at Wiretap, we knew we had found a home for this record because he shares the same passion for pushing boundaries outward that we do (it’s incredibly apparent listening through the roster).

“It was important to us to find someone who shared the same DIY punk spirit as us but also celebrates the diversity of the genre across so many different subgenres to grow together. We are elated at the opportunity to partner up with Wiretap, especially on their ten year anniversary as a label, and we can’t wait for you all to hear ‘Conned Out of Life’ this summer when it drops.”

Read More: Bands Like Propagandhi: Who To Listen To If You Love The Punk Legends

The Hard Times Real News

Yes, The Hard Times have a real music news section now, but you don’t need to freak out because we aren’t changing any of the ‘normal’ satire content. We’re just adding an extra element to the site’s content, which you can check out if you want to.

Make sure you check out more of the content we have via our /realnews/ section and if you happen to be a pro wrestling or combat sports fan you can check out my site FightFans!

Read More: Metallica Album Covers Ranked (From Worst To Best)

25 Father’s Day Presents From Spencer’s Gifts That Will Make Your Dad Say “That Place Is Still Open?”

Posted on by Tim Sheard

The abacus. The dodo bird. The shopping mall. It’s natural for aspects of everyday life to become extinct. Luckily, your father refuses to shop online, citing Biden and “his 5G agenda,” of course. This means you end up visiting the local cavernous empty mall with him approximately once a year to wander around and observe the moribund shops still somehow open. On a recent trip, you couldn’t help but notice that Spencer’s Gifts is still in business. While your dad took a lap to inspect empty storefronts for signs of hoarding, you have plenty of time to sneak in and select a primo Father’s Day gift for the man whose semen morphed into the shitheel known as you.

Lava Lamp

There is a certain generation that grew up with a lava lamp in their room from Spencer’s Gifts. Bring your dad back to the late ‘70s with this groovy addition to his nightside bed stand, riddled with WWII books and tchotchkes from his travels. Let the psychedelic glow distract him from pressing personal issues like “Why do men carry tote bags? What’s wrong with this generation?” Allow the flowing colors to distract him before he asks “You got this at Spencer’s Gifts? I thought that place closed ages ago.”

Ceramic Pot with Boobs

Allow your father to cultivate his passion for gardening alongside his ultra-1980s obsession with the tanned female figure. Your father watched ‘Porky’s’ and ‘Weird Science’ along with all those other ‘80s teen sex comedies, and has never really matured since. This gift will undoubtedly elicit a laugh. He might even cop a feel. “Nice,” your dad says. “Oh yeah.” Once you tell him this is from Spencer’s Gifts, he’ll find new reasons to stop by. Perhaps too frequently.

Oversized ‘Rick and Morty’ T-Shirts

Remember when Pickle Rick was all the rage across America? Spencer’s Gifts remembers! They have that one hilarious Pickle Rick shirt, plus tons of large-font, broad design ‘Rick and Morty’ t-shirts for your father to rock on the golf course. Cufflinks, kinky underwear, polo shirts, jorts – it never ends. Of course he has no idea what this show is, but once you explain that it’s a ‘Back to the Future’ riff, he’ll be more amenable. “I like that Rich and Marty,” he’ll say.

Ass of the Day Calendar

It doesn’t come classier than this: a calendar of 365 rear-ends, stacked in a lovingly-designed deskside mini calendar. Your dad jokes, “Guess I’ll never miss a court date again!” while flipping through photos of cheeks with severe tan lines. “Is this from the same Spencer’s Gifts that you used to visit in middle school?” You solemnly nod, realizing that their humor has now skewed and inclined towards this infantile 64-year-old man.

Penis Martini Stirrers

Now normally these would be for a bachelorette party, but your dad has a long-running poker night with his college pals Mitch Kenney and Mike Rigby. And he can’t wait to see the look on their faces when he serves drinks with these flesh-colored stirrers, the tip poking up from the drink like as if the ice itself is excited. Your dad marvels at the pack, asking “You get it? It’s a stirrer, with a dick! It’s a dick where it’s not supposed to be! Who would ever think of this?”

Black Light Pink Floyd Poster

Your dad is suspicious of rainbows. Nothing homophobic, he just feels self-conscious. But like any quirk of imagination for men of a certain age, if it’s co-signed by an English classic rock band, then there is literally no problem whatsoever. In this case, the ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ poster will don his garage “man cave.” The black light will not only make this poster pop with vibrancy, but reveal just how dirty your dad’s garage really is.

Fake Dog Poop

Comedy. Gold. Your dad loves the prank section of Spencer’s Gifts. He will pick up random items, like the fly stuck in an ice cube, or the Groucho glasses, and just chuckle away. “They really get wild here,” he’ll say, but wait until you show him the fake dog poop. You place it around the house and watch him react, a loud happy howl each time he discovers the hollow brown plastic. A much more positive reaction than when you glued a quarter to the floor.

Snoopy Cock Ring

You have no idea how or why the Charles Schultz estate signed off on this new line of erotic Snoopy merch, but you will certainly be able to find it at Spencer’s. Your dad will get the idea as soon as this begins intensely vibrating. Best part: this comes with a remote control. Your mom can activate the Snoopy Cock Ring with a handheld device in the shape of a red doghouse. Charlie Brown would blush. Good grief!

Inflatable Woman

Let the jokes fly. “Hey, I wonder if I should take her out for a date!” your dad will cry, hugging and squeezing the inflatable blonde plastic doll. Her smooth, featureless torso also acts as a flotation device in case of emergency. “So you got this at Spencer’s. Spencer Gifts? The one in the mall? I had no idea that place hung around for so long!” your dad will say in between deep passionate kisses with his balloon beau.

‘The Office’-Branded Bong

Nothing says 420 like a workplace comedy that ended in 2013. All of your favorite characters are etched into the bong: Dwight, Michael Scott, “that one guy” which is your dad’s fond nickname for Jim. Unfortunately, your dad stopped smoking weed because “that shit nowadays is way too strong,” but he uses ‘The Office’ bong as a vase for the garden. You’re just happy that he’s exploring his creative side.

Elvis Coasters Paired With ‘Invader Zim’ Shot Glasses

Sure, why the hell not? The swinging hips of Elvis with the twitchy ‘tude of Invader Zim. “Do shot glasses normally come with coasters?” your dad will ask. When you explain that it’s a special combo exclusively available from Spencer’s, he’ll immediately understand. Party decor with miscellaneous branding is your dad’s entire aesthetic. He regularly wears Tommy Bahama leisure suits in a Jim Morrison t-shirt. Nothing is sacred in this house.

Naked Man on a Grilling Apron

Très risqué! Your dad will be the life of the barbecue with this life-sized naked adult cartoon man etched onto a long, white apron. While your dad debates over the benefits of charcoal versus gas, he can at least disarm the argument by making everyone at the party laugh. “It’s a real conversation piece,” he proudly says. It’s one of his favorite gifts. Sometimes he just wears it around the house.

Chutes and Ladders Board Game (Dick Edition)

Here’s the twist: it’s all dicks. Everything in this game is a penis. It’s Spencer’s, what were you expecting? The ladders are cocks, so are the chutes. It’s actually confusing, the board is difficult to follow. Your dad can bust this game out at parties and look around for any reaction whatsoever to his wild sense of humor. Maybe nudge him toward a simpler game, which unfortunately means he’ll take out the Butthole Checkers Set (of course, also from Spencer’s).

Goth Makeup Starter Kit

Your dad has expressed a passing interest in The Cure, which is why you’re setting him up with an official Spencer’s Got Makeup Start Kit™ to satisfy the darkest depths of his soul. While your dad only mocked you for your goth phase, he’ll wholeheartedly embrace this new identity. You might even catch him singing “Bela Lugosi’s Dead” while vacuuming the car floor mats or watering the cement.

Handpicked Edgy Greeting Cards

Included in this selection are some of the most crude and problematic jokes you’ve ever seen, taking into account absolutely zero sensitivity toward any identity, occasion or decorum. Your dad will absolutely love these. “See, these cards say what you just can’t say anymore! When did we get so woke?” your dad will ask at Spencer’s while laughing at a somber Sympathy Card featuring topless nuns.

iPhone Case with Boobs

If there’s one thing Spencer’s is good at, it’s putting anatomical parts on everyday household items. In this case, the firm and supple grip end of the iPhone case is instead a replica of breasts. However, your dad has feedback. “Isn’t this just gonna feel weird in my pocket?” your dad complains. You thought this would be a slam dunk, but he seems more drawn to the WiFi Router with a Vagina (‘Spongebob Squarepants’-branded, naturally).

Incense Sticks

Nothing special here, just good old-fashioned incense. Your dad’s hippie roots take hold whenever he lights incense in the house. Plus, you’re always running out. It seems like he’s trying to hide certain smells. He’s smoking weed non-stop, the garage is filling up with smoke. When you ask him to open a window, he just lights more incense. Good thing the incense you picked up is from the line of Spencer’s Official Branded Scents™: Rockin’ Cinnamon, Cosmic Cardamom and Playboy Bunny Sage.

Horror Icons Hoodie

Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Ghostface, the dang Babadook – the whole gang’s here, on this fast-fashion, hastily-stitched hooded sweatshirt. Your dad loved horror films as a kid, though now he’s in his documentary phase. “Do they have a Ken Burns sweatshirt? I’d buy two of those,” your dad enthusiastically says. Note this idea for Father’s Day next year, or see if Ken Burns will make your father a Cameo.

Cubic Zirconia Bart Simpson Belly Button Ring

Don’t have a cow, man! That’s right, America’s favorite bad boy, chiseled into a diamond-like mineral, made to dangle from your dad’s stomach. “I don’t have much use for this,” your dad will utter, before discovering a more sensual side by discreetly seeking a naval piercing at the far end of the mall. Lucky 8 Tattoo and Piercing is still around, right next to the food court. That awkward lump on your dad’s gut under his polo shirts? Only you know about his special ‘The Simpsons’-branded belly button ring, as any good son should.

Darth Vader Mask with a Ballsack

Come on, Spencer’s. What is going on here? Why would anyone wear this? Even your dad is confused. “I don’t remember this from ‘Star Wars,” he’ll say, before blurting out that he half remembers “Princess Leana.” Surprisingly, this is their best selling item. It speaks to multiple consumer quadrants: fulfills classic costume needs, is an item coveted by ‘Star Wars’ nuts, while also inviting the coveted Spencer’s demographic of 14-year-old boys.

Totoro Plush Toy With a Dump Truck Ass

Your dad may have little interest in this item, but Father’s Day has always been about strange crappy gifts and meaningless gestures. “What movie is this from?” your father will ask, casually tapping at the weighted, hefty cheeks hanging from mischievous Totoro. When you explain the film, he’ll make the perfect dad joke: “Well, that ain’t my neighbor!” followed by a firm slap to Totoro’s rippling ass.

Slim Jim Lubricant

People are willing to shell out for beef jerky lubricant, charged for whatever the market will bear. This is a competitive space: Jack Link’s Lube is recalled for causing rashes, while Spencer’s simply no longer carries Oberto-branded lube. Perhaps deliver this to your dad discreetly since you’re willing to discuss popular meat snacks with him, but perhaps not how he plans on putting this specific Father’s Day gift to the test.

‘Adventure Time’ Lingerie

This is more a gift for your dad to present to your mom. Although she’s never heard of the show ‘Adventure Time,’ she’ll be distracted by all of the characters sewn into the threaded patterns of the brassiere and panties. Try not to think of your parents in coitus, or your dad ogling your mom with a Jake the Dog pattern imprinted onto her soft skin. If your dad needs to return this item for any reason, explain that they can exchange this for other “hilarious underwear” with sarcastic phrases or emojis.

Boobs Pillow

Your dad will fall into a deep REM sleep with this pillow, crafted in the shape of anatomically correct breasts. In fact, you begin to worry about your dad. He’s not leaving the bedroom, just sleeping all day. You have the dinner set, with cold beer in the fridge, ‘The Equalizer’ ready to play, everything prepared for Father’s Day. Instead he’s holed up in his bedroom with all his new Spencer’s Gifts swag, shoving his face into his boobs pillow with a mouthful of bong smoke and blasting Sublime, ready to defy “the man” another day.

“Makin’ Copiiieees” And 15 Other Classic SNL Skits You Can Quote With Your Dad Instead of Having a Real Conversation

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Well, it’s summertime again and that means it’s time for sun and fun and reminiscing about actually having the summer off where every day doesn’t feel like a dreary Groundhog Day-like trudge to the grave. It is also the time of year to head out to your parent’s house for the weekend and avoid the pitfalls of dysfunction while trying to not lose your grip on sanity.

One of those pitfalls (and a major one) is spending time with your dad and carrying on a conversation instead of just sitting in uncomfortable silence. After talking about the weather, and his long list of health ailments what else is there to talk about? Politics? That’s a non-starter right there. Sports? You can only nod along for so long before asking what sport it is that he’s even talking about. Las Vegas Raiders? That’s a real team?

One thing you can always count on for a last-ditch effort to have a conversation with your dad is quoting one of his favorite SNL skits. Sure, he has complained about every host, musical guest, and skit in the last 25 years but he still watches religiously and knows all the classic lines by heart. Here are the top skits to quote with your dad instead of having a real conversation with him.

15. The Californians

Once you get to your parents’ house and your dad asks “How was the drive?” Put on a ridiculous California accent and say “Aww not bad, I just headed down the 405, then hooked a right at the Baja Fresh near Mulholland to Tarzana.” Then later when your brother arrives you can throw out a “EWWWWHATTARRREEYOOOOUDOOINGEEERRE?” He won’t know what you’re talking about but you and your dad will have a laugh at his expense. And isn’t that what getting together with the family is really all about?

14. Cheeburger Cheeburger

When your dad is frying up something on the ol’ propane grill and you’re both standing there in silence watching your cancerous slab of tortured flesh being prepared, throw out a “Cheeburger cheeburger.” He’ll be sure to reply with “No Coke, Pepsi.” Sure, it’s a little dated and feels vaguely racist but you could keep this up all afternoon.

13. George Bush Sr.

Politics are going to come up, it’s just unavoidable. In all likelihood, there will be a TV in the background blasting totally reasonable and nuanced takes from a sentient cologne bottle on Fox News all day long. You’ve tried your best to not engage with any of the talking points your dad has parroted so far but at some point, you need to respond. Just throw out a “Not gonna do it… Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.” Right-leaning people like your dad are ok making fun of George Bush Sr. because compared to the ghouls in office now he’s basically Noam fucking Chomsky.
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12. Celebrity Jeopardy

You may be able to convince your dad to turn the channel from Fox News to something else but apparently, the only other thing his TV gets is non-stop episodes of Jeopardy. Luckily this is your chance to break out your subpar Sean Connery impression. (Oh God, remember cable? Why are there so many commercials? This is still a service people pay for? Why is the TV so loud? What the fuck is happening?)

11. Matt Foley

Probably one of your dad’s favorite SNL sketches. He especially loves the part where Chris Farley makes fun of David Spade for saying he wants to be a writer and that he uses his writing paper for “rolling doobies.” Of course, “living in a van down by the river” is now actually a thing most people your age want to do in their #vanlife $250K Sprinter Vans but don’t ruin it for him by mentioning that.

10. Mr. Bill

If your sister is there with one of her little demon spawns take one of their toys and make it fall off a chair or have its head get stuck in a door jam then do the “Ooooh nooo, Mr. Billll” thing. Apparently this was the height of comedy in the ‘70s. Your dad will think it’s hilarious and so will your brat nephew. The person who won’t find it funny is your sister and she’ll uninvite you to little Jaxon’s birthday party. Win/win!

9. Church Lady

You’re sitting around the dining room table and your mom is going on and on about how your cousin Jessica who is in college just got pregnant and may want to get an abortion. Break the tension in the room by turning to your dad and saying “Well, isn’t that speciaalllll” while making that face that Dana Carvey would do. It may distract him long enough to not start talking about the Liberal agenda.

8. More Cowbell

There will come a point in the day right around the time your dad has had his fourth Miller High Life that he’s going to put on some tunes. Since he’s feeling good it’s probably going to be something like Joe Walsh or Thin Lizzy. You know, something he can air guitar to while biting his bottom lip. Try saying “This song is good, but it could use a little more cowbell.” He won’t hear you though because he is having a moment really jamming out to the guitar solo in “The Boys Are Back in Town.” It’s ok, you tried.

7. Two Wild and Crazy Guys

Your dad will want to show you some project he’s been working on like a new downspout for the gutter or that old car in the garage that will never actually get fixed. As he is explaining to you what a carburetor is or whatever your mom may ask if the two of you would like another beer. A great response is “Why not? After all, we are…” (and here your dad will join in) “TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!” We don’t get it either but we think it’s basically like Borat for boomers.

6. Buckwheat

On second thought, no. Don’t even attempt this one. Of course your dad wouldn’t be offended but there’s a good chance your brother will film you doing it and will share it with everyone you know and then BLAMMO! CANCELED!

5. Choppin’ Broccoli

Your mom will probably start making dinner around 3:30 in the afternoon and your dad sure isn’t going to help. You should probably help her out despite ostensibly being a fully grown adult all your meals entail pouring hot water into a cup with noodles. As your dad breezes by to ask what you’re doing in the kitchen you can sing “Choppin’ broccoli… choppuh bruhculehhh..” Just be careful and make sure you don’t get into it too much because you have no business using sharp cutlery.

4. Debbie Downer

Your sister might go on a real rant about how your dad shouldn’t be drinking so much in the middle of the afternoon, or shouldn’t be eating so much red meat, and that he definitely shouldn’t be leaf-blowing the roof right now. Turn to your dad and just go “Womp womp!” and make that Debbie Downer face. He would laugh if he could hear you over the sound of that 18V cordless Ryobi he’s cleaning the gutters out with at the moment.

3. Coneheads

Honestly, this one is a gamble since even your dad might not think these skits were funny. It’s surprising anyone thought this was ever funny especially that movie they did in the ‘90s – Yeesh. In any case, your dad will probably have some orange traffic cones lying around that he uses to keep people from parking in front of the house. Put one on your head and say “I am Beldar, we come from France.” If you get no response it means it’s time to go home.

2. Wayne’s World

“Wayne’s World! Party time! Excellent!” is just a great thing to throw out there at any point there is a lull in the conversation (and there’s going to be a lot). Then when your mom asks if you want to see pictures of your cousin’s toddler you can say “Shaaw right, I’d love to look at those… NOT!”

1. Dick in a Box

By this point you are probably pretty close to being fully wasted and have run out of any other SNL references you can think of. Just start singing “Dick in a Box” and see what happens. Worst case scenario you’re asked to leave. Best case scenario you are still asked to leave. And honestly, all of this will be forgotten anyway by the time your dad sits down to watch Hannity.

Boomer at Restaurant Can’t Wait to Tell Server How Much He “Hated” His Dinner

Posted on by John Adkins

TUCSON, Ariz. — Local 68-year-old Glen Darrington reportedly couldn’t wait to tell his server how much he “hated” his dinner while dining at the Cracker Barrel early last night, confirmed sources.

“Oh boy! When the server clears my plate, I’m gonna tell ‘em that I absolutely despise my meal. But guess what? I actually loved it,” said Darrington before asking a server if his dinner was free since he didn’t see a price on the menu. “See? Look at my clean plate! I ate the whole damn thing! Get it? That’s top tier, Jay Leno-level comedy. I really think I should pursue a career in stand up. I mean, how hard could it be? I’ve been making people in the hospitality industry almost laugh for 30 years and if that doesn’t make me a comedian, I don’t know what does.”

Darrington’s wife simply had enough of her husband’s self-proclaimed “comedic genius.”

“Do you know what he does? He practices his restaurant material in the car on the way to the establishment. He tries different phrasings, different voices, different deliveries—it’s unbearable,” said Dana Darrington. “He regularly uses the phrase, ‘I don’t need sugar for my coffee. I’m sweet enough.’ And he still opens the bill while saying, ‘What’s the damage?’ and then saying something like ‘Woo boy, do you want my arm or my leg as a payment?’ I usually just try to guzzle a couple of bottles of chardonnay so I can black out before the end of the meal. My therapist OK’d it, I think.”

Cracker Barrel server Anna Granger is reportedly quite experienced in the “hated my meal” joke arena.

“Ya know how they say that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings? Every time I hear this joke, a little part of me dies inside. Actually, A big part of me dies. Yeah, I’d say I’m dead inside,” said Granger halfway through her 12-hour shift. “But hey, I’m a pro. And the pros know that the only way to get a good tip is to pretend to laugh your ass off. So yeah. I go full Jimmy Fallon on dudes like this. Boomers just eat up jokes that everyone has heard a million times before. It’s almost like they have no clue how jokes work.”

At press time, Darrington decided to leave zero tip on his tab despite it being “one of the best meals of his life.”

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Trying To Keep Conversation Surface Level With Our Dad

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Father’s Day is here again, which means you’ve likely had to endure classic rock for all the parts of the day you weren’t teaching the old man how to use his Bluetooth speaker for the thousandth time. There’s nothing wrong with classic rock, per say, but at one point you heard ‘Knights In White Satin’ five times in a row because your dad didn’t realize he had pressed the ‘repeat’ button on the track. Moral of the story is, you need new music fast and we’re here to give it to you. Read on to learn what our staff has been listening to this week, and click here to listen as you chain smoke behind your mom’s garden shed.

The Black Dahlia Murder “Aftermath”

Two years after the tragic passing of their legendary frontman Trevor Strnad, The Black Dahlia Murder are pressing onward with cofounder Brian Eschbach on lead vocals. While the decision to carry on was one of love and healing, that doesn’t mean the band has stopped writing their standard deranged material. Their latest single, ‘Aftermath,’ details a post-apocalyptic world in which the living have resorted to cannibalism. Though fictional, it still feels a bit topical.

IDLES “Mood Swings (Little Simz cover)”

Little Simz might be one of the most criminally underrated acts in hip-hop at the moment, so it’s a great thing to see someone other than our nerdiest staff member recognizing that fact. IDLES recently added a touch of their signature style to her excellence with a cover of ‘Mood Swings.’ It’s worth the listen even if it’s just to hear frontman Joe Talbot’s inexplicable rendition of Peaches ‘Fuck The Pain Away’ multiple times throughout the arrangement. It’s two covers for the price of none.

High Vis “Mob DLA”

You might not be aware of this, but there are several UK post-punk bands that aren’t IDLES. Shocking, innit? Some of them are pretty great, even! High Vis is one of them, and they’ve just dropped a new single. Like all good post-punk songs, ‘Mob DLA’ blends a bevy of conflicting genres with a lyrical dash of economic and existential dread. Just try to remember that your cockney accent needs some work before attempting to sing along.

Hinds “En Forma”

Indie rockers Hinds are set to release their new album ‘Viva Hinds’ later this year. It’s their first full-length album since the departure of their longtime bassist and drummer a few years back, and it doesn’t seem the duo is lacking any of their characteristic punch despite that fact. Their latest single ‘En Forma’ is a frenzied indie-pop earworm, complete with shout along hooks and jangly as fuck guitars. Despite being based and founded in Madrid, it’s also their first ever track sung entirely in Spanish. We figured we’d give you a heads-up since we know you flunked that class in high school.

Doubt “The Hard Way”

There are few things certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Baltimore’s hardcore scene will likely survive the impending nuclear apocalypse. The latter is extremely evident when listening to newcomers Doubt, who have just released an absolute ripper with ‘The Hard Way.’ With a ninety-second runtime and a tempo change that will make you feel like you could fistfight a shark, you have literally no excuse to get this one on your ‘break shit’ playlist immediately.

Molchat Doma “Son”

The eerie new single, ‘Son,’ from the even eerier dark wave trio ‘Molchat Doma’ dropped this week, along with the announcement of the band’s forthcoming record ‘Belaya Polosa.’ If you have six minutes to spare and are tired of listening to your 80’s industrial playlist but still want the same vibes, this one’s for you. The track is a heady rumination on never being able to return to your past self. It’s a good reminder considering you’ve only recently stopped texting your ex.

Psst. Looking for more? Of course you are. These are desperate times. That’s why we’ve hand crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that it develops sentience and tells you to get a job. You can click here to check it out unless you’re a coward who hates great music.

Amazing! This Man Plays Acoustic Guitar for His Newborn Every Night Because The Baby’s too Young to Say No

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham, a father who serenades his newborn child with a different song on his acoustic guitar every night. And the best part? The baby still hasn’t learned to talk so she can’t do anything to stop it.

“When my wife told me she was pregnant, I immediately went to Ebay and purchased the most expensive acoustic guitar I could find and started teaching myself how to play. It was just really important I do this for my daughter. Sure, it was a lot of hard work these past 9 months, but my wife didn’t mind painting the nursery and putting together the crib while I perfected ‘Everlong,’” said father-of-the-year candidate. “And now that the baby is here, it’s so great I get to share my gift with her. And she doesn’t seem to mind crying it out on the floor while I try to get the tuning right for ‘Pink Moon’ either.”

Now you might be saying to yourself “where is the mother in this scenario, why wouldn’t she step in to stop this awful behavior?” The fact of the matter is, she’s doing her best to juggle everything in the household.

“Yeah, he’s a selfish dipshit. But I still don’t have the heart to tell him that the baby isn’t smiling because he nailed ‘Hotel California’ but because she just loaded up her Pampers with some brown mustard newborn poop,” explained the new mother. “Jay keeps insisting that someday the baby will really appreciate all this time he spends locked in the basement watching YouTube tutorials and perusing guitar tabs. But this is of course assuming that our marriage even survives and I let him see the kid in the future.”

Child care expert Dr. Edmundo Sosa pointed out the danger of acoustic guitar for young children.

While it is true that many studies have shown exposing your children to music has tremendous positive effects on their development, other studies have demonstrated a correlation between the negative effects of music exposure and a parent’s rudimentary acoustic guitar skills,” said Dr. Sosa. “I personally have worked with several children who took up vaping and growing wispy, creeper mustaches following years of exposure to butchered versions of the ‘Fade to Black’ intro.”

While reporting on this story we decided to call Child Protective Services on Mr. Graham after we determined that forcing a child to listen to “Santeria” by Sublime equates to child abuse.

Absent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing It

Posted on by Mike Maher

SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives, sources close to the rich prick confirmed.

“Technically, I’m a terrible parent. But you can’t argue with the results,” Barry said by phone from an unlisted number. “Thanks to me, my kids – who I’ve never met – wear the freshest Jordans, only play the newest gaming systems, and have foie gras in their fucking Lunchables. They don’t want to go fishing; they want Taylor Swift tickets and selfies from the Dolomites. Look, I love my kids – whatever their names are – the same way my dad loved me: with a credit card from as far away as possible. The amount of shares my gifts get on their socials proves I’m killing it. Millions of paid followers can’t be wrong.”

Son Jackson Barry acknowledges his father’s shortcomings but claims his flaws are actually strengths.

“My dad is human garbage, but we have a beautiful relationship,” said the 11-year-old, while bullying someone on Twitch. “We’ve never even spoken yet he knows exactly what kind of trendy expensive shit to buy me. Sure, sometimes I wish me and the old man could toss the pigskin around in the backyard. But hiring Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to play catch with me instead has been way better. I’m already being scouted by D-1 schools and I’m only in middle school. I love you dad, you piece of fucking shit!”

Despite irreparable emotional damage, child psychologist Pegg Champagne still insists on seeing the Barry kids multiple times a week.

“Are these kids mentally fucked? 100%,” Champagne said. “Even money can’t fix these daddy issues. But I gotta give credit where it’s due. Scumbag or not, pops has prepared his kids for the real world better than most parents, exposing them early to a long life of privilege that only gets better when you’re white, wealthy, and entitled like themselves. These brats don’t only have a membership to the club, they own it. Which is exactly why I keep seeing them. They’re one of my few clients who actually pay. I just bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage. Red.”

At press time, it was discovered that Barry had purchased everything for his kids with credit cards taken out in their names, unbeknownst to them.

Ten Underrated Sire Records Albums You Need To Revisit Before Wildfire Season Hits and Consumes Us All

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Ramones. That’s the tweet. Sire Records formed almost sixty, yes, SIXTY years ago and is still active! Wow, what a difference! Anyway, we attempt to list the ten most underrated Sire Records albums in alphabetical order for your verbal and strangely unique pleasure. No bands are included that are, as they say in WWE, “over,” but you miscreants and general practitioners may deem some “overrated”; that is your prerogative. If you’re reading this out loud, you’re strange but you likely know of Sire’s “punk rock cred,” despite and in spite of the fact that they were acquired by a major label that rhymes with “Forner.” Dead boys talk about heads, so don’t echo the singular bunnyman, and not “men,” no no no. Basically, the kids are united AND divided, and should all kiss roses in Batman movies with Sunny Day Real Estate.

Armor For Sleep “Smile For Them” (2007)

Even though this is the band’s worst album, it is still better than your middle school band’s EP that caused literally no one to smile for them. The band’s lone major label effort may have been divisive with their fan base, but as the kids say, there are lots of bops on it, including the stadium soundtrack banger known as “End of the World”. Apparently this album took a lot of trials, errors, more trials, and tribulations to create, but machines are meant to be broken… and easily fixed by Armor For Sleep. The guitars that sound like spaceships epically open the album with its next best song, the almost title track, “Smile for the Camera”; Rick Moranis should and would be proud.

Belly “Star” (1993)

Rhode Island rarely gets repped publicly but the state does produce very fine bands, one of them being Belly. What do you get when you add one breeder to the hysteria laden main character in Charlton Heston’s epic non-sarcastically awesome “The Ten Commandments”? Well, you can acquire a nice helping of Tanya Donelly, a colorful letter “L” and numbered “7” Greenwood, a soon to be exiting Abong, and a few freaking Gormans high and low. Lavender purple syrup is sweet AF, but low red moons are savory for the kids… Belly even shows a white belly untogether here! Whatever folks, just stay in that sad dress.

Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows “D.R.U.G.S.” (2011)

We are not going to go into the lore as to why many believe this record came and went quickly, but it’s impossible to deny that this full-length studio album is an almost perfect mall screamo LP, and we aren’t taking any more questions on the matter. Mr. Owel, Craig Owens, may be back in Chiodos now, but this project came in the wake of his firing, and while he sure showed ‘em that he could exist sans the other 175 members of Chiodos, sadly there wasn’t any staying power with the illicit substances rock and roll/Warped Tour supergroup which then included members of Matchbook Romance, Underminded, From First To Last, and Story of the Year. Thankfully drugs are back, and thankfully they’re bad for you.

Eisley “The Valley” (2011)

Scene-adjacent band Eisley rival some of the best in the biz with their exceptional harmonies and melodic sensibilities, but for one reason or more, the band and this album (“The Valley”) in particular didn’t break through the mainstream; sad. We wish that better love and general kind behavior was spread globally via Eisley’s tunes, but we know that Haley Joel Osment digs the band, so we guess that that is enough. By the way, that is not a joke despite being on brand. So take back Sunday, say anything that your heart desires, and your new found glory will send an ambulance to one in need. Also, despite what you may think, Eisley is NOT a Christian band but they ARE both Christian and “Star Wars” aficionados, which makes a lot of sense as Jesus and a storm trooper have a lot in common besides the obvious; duh, dorks.

Foxy Shazam “Self-Titled” (2010)

The frenetic and fun warriors known as Foxy Shazam combined Queen and The Venetia Fair in an extremely glorious way, and created one of the better self-titled albums of all time. Opening with a dog barking and a few vibrant spoken words is quite “the” move, but Foxy Shazam likes to make you move it move it, they like to move it move it. Producer John Feldmann is known more for bands like The Used, 5 Seconds of Summer, Goldfinger, and Tevye’s solo EP post-“Fiddler on the Roof” than FS and we’re here to change that stat! Plus, the fact that “Unstoppable” isn’t played during the NBA Finals is a travesty and so our evil thoughts blame the suits! FYI: The album’s sequel “The Church Of Rock And Roll” owns too, but it wasn’t a Sire Records LP.

Harvey Danger “King James Version” (2000)

Most people who are neither sick nor well know Harvey Danger’s megahit “Flagpole Sitta,” but it’s rare to read a publication as prestigious as ours namecheck the band’s biblical LP “King James Version.” If you like your ‘90s alt rock with a nugget of New York Dolls swagger, this LP is for you, and if you don’t, what the hell are you doing here and where have all the merrymakers gone? Seattle should eternally be proud of the danger for their authenticity, loyalty buildings, underground musings of missing the point completely and 1997’s Carlotta Valdez. Most slept on this release, and that’s silly like a silly Sally as it wakes us up every Thursday morning to notify our household that street sweeping is occurring at 8 a.m. till 10 a.m.; don’t get a ticket, fools, and move that ish. It’s just the same as being in love.

Hot Hot Heat “Elevator” (2005)

No jokes – fact: The tune “Bandages” may have introduced you, me, and everyone we know to Victoria, British Columbia, Canada’s Hot Hot Heat, but “Elevator,” HHH’s major label debut and first of two LPs for Sire Records, is just so much better as a whole, and even people in the middle of nowhere wholeheartedly agree unless they don’t. Hot Hot Heat formed in 1999 and over the course of the next seventeen years released five consistently awesome full-lengths but none as solid as “Elevator”; Steven Tyler would be proud even without the love and the hairspray. You are my only girl but you’re not my only is a thing of the past and “Elevator” is as well, but it’s also for the children and the future.

Less Than Jake “In With The Out Crowd”

There was a time during the aughts when ska bands legally had to put down their horns or they’d face the wrath of the general public/private investors and few did it as well as Less Than Jake did it on “In With The Out Crowd”. Sadly, most LTJ super fans and regular pedestrians did not agree… We are here to change that, as “In With The Out Crowd” could never be an overrated LP to anyone anywhere anytime! Unless Less Than Jake was granted permission to be released from their contract, this album, the band’s second of two major label releases for Sire, is likely what got the band dropped. Fun fact: The band released their two crowd favorite LPs, “Losing Streak” and “Hello Rockview” via Capitol Records the century prior, so like Jimmy Eat World, Capitol had ‘em in the ‘90s, and another conglomerate did in the ‘00s.

The Spill Canvas “No Really, I’m Fine” (2007)

Maybe the most successful release here, Sioux Falls, South Dakota’s The Spill Canvas’ best LP “No Really, I’m Fine” did well whilst maintaining permanent underrated status. Appearing on the Billboard 200 is a badass stat for any band, but we still are saddened that “No Really, I’m Fine” debuted at a paltry meh 143 on said chart, and left quickly after. Still, the band likely plays several songs from this record at every show. Mainstream non-scene acts like Switchfoot and Goo Goo Dolls took TSC on tour a few years after this dropped, and if that doesn’t dare you to move with Iris, we don’t know what will! Dig into the band’s catalog for all of the feels, including curling yourself into a ball in the corner of your bedroom, and attempt to smile (for them).

The Von Bondies “Pawn Shoppe Heart” (2004)

Jack White’s wrath… That’s the tweet!

As the Owner of Your Small Town’s Only Pizza Place, I Pride Myself On Making the Shittiest Pizza Possible

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world full of gourmet options and high culinary standards, I, Tony DeMarco of Tony’s Pizzeria in the middle of nowhere Indiana, take great pride in offering something completely underwhelming. As the owner of the only pizza place in our quaint little town, I have made it my mission to serve up the worst pizza you’ve ever had. Some might call it a lack of ambition, others call it laziness, but I call it a commitment to mediocrity. I don’t even care that I have only a single star on Google, because I’m the only result and all the shit suckers in this town will just have to deal with it.

Let’s face it, not every town needs a wood-fired, hand-tossed, organic, artisanal pizza joint. What our town needs is something reliable, predictable, and entirely forgettable. That’s where my pizza comes in. My crusts are a perfect homage to cardboard, and my sauce is a masterpiece of metallic tomatoes and excessive salt that leaves your mouth feeling like you licked a car battery while scuba diving in the ocean. Toppings? Who needs fresh ingredients when you’ve got a freezer full of questionable meats and rubbery vegetables?

Some may wonder how I can stay in business with such a disdain for quality. The answer is simple: I’m the only game in town. When you have a monopoly, you can afford to be terrible. My secret sauce isn’t just the watery tomato paste I slather on my pies; it’s the fact that my customers have no other choice. You can’t get this kind of culinary tyranny just anywhere, you know. What are you going to do? Make your own pizza at home?! Tell that to the rusted outdoor pizza oven you got three years ago and only used once.

I see the look of resignation on the faces of my patrons as they bite into a slice of my cold, soggy, greasy pizza. It’s a look that says, “I wish I could eat somewhere else, but Tony’s is all we’ve got.” And there’s a certain joy in that for me. I am your culinary dictator and you suffer under my undercooked wrath. You may not love my pizza, but you need it: sleepovers, office parties, too tired to cook… I am your only option and I get off on knowing that, also I’m going to start closing at 4 p.m. from now on, and I won’t be open for lunch either.

In a world obsessed with excellence and high standards, I find solace in my corner of culinary crap. So, to all the foodies and critics out there, I say this: come to Tony’s Pizzeria and experience the joy of having no expectations met. It’s not just a meal; it’s a reminder that sometimes, in the grand tapestry of life, you are going to have to settle for less.

Bon appétit, or whatever.