So you’ve signed up for an adult league of a sport. Maybe you played it in high school, maybe you are a big fan of the professional sport. All that you know is that you signed up to win, but your dumbass teammates want to have ‘fun’. Here are five tips to make your adult league teammates as competitive and angry as you.
Give a Patton-esque Pep-talk
The first thing you want to try with your complacent, weak teammates, is to motivate them the old-fashioned way: standing in front of a giant flag with a riding crop. The flag doesn’t necessarily need to be an American one, but if it isn’t, it definitely won’t work as well. Try to evoke a feeling of patriotism and good duty to your teammates, let it be known that the way to win a rec soccer game is by making that other son of a bitch die. You’ll come out of your presentation with a group of ravenous, blood-hungry patriots, ready to destroy some kickball.
Remind Them That They Joined An Adult Recreational League To Win, Not Have Fun
It’s very important that your teammates are in the same frame of mind as you: furious and obsessed with winning to a dangerous degree. You need to go to each and every teammate and remind them that they didn’t join to have a good time with friends, they joined to get irrationally pissed off over small calls that won’t matter in fifteen minutes. Implore them to remember that they’re here for victory, not the simple-minded concepts of bonding and entertainment.
Put A Ten-Thousand Dollar Bounty On Scoring
Admittedly to do this one, you must be quite wealthy. This tip is really quite simple: you tell your teammates that for every point they score they’ll receive a cashier’s check good for ten-thousand American dollars, or fifty-thousand Brazilian real. You’ll have to prove that you have the wealth to do it by sending it to one of your teammates. From then on, it’s a feeding frenzy. Your teammates will be fighting, throwing elbows, everything you ever wanted to see from your Quidditch teammates. Your approval is now an economy.
Frame The Opposing Team For Murder
You’re a competitive person. You play every game as if you’re avenging the death of your brother, so all you have to do is make your teammates play the same way. Kidnap one of your teammate’s loved ones, “Prisoners” style, and put them in a big pit in your backyard. Place the ‘murder’ weapon in one of the opposing team member’s home, and voila! Suddenly your team is fighting tooth and nail for the dub, and you’re loving it. After the fact, you can even release the person from your death pit. You will of course have to murder someone, but big deal, you’ve killed before.
Put Trace Amounts Of PCP In Their Water Bottles
Probably the most practical, and simple to pull off. Simply take a solution of 5% PCP 95% water, and fill a bunch of medical syringes with them. Go around to everyone’s water bottles, injecting the good stuff into them. At your pre-game huddle you suggest a toast of water to stay hydrated. Everyone drinks and next thing you know they’re ripping face and screaming at the opponents that they need to crawl back into their mother’s.