Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: Could Somebody Please Explain the Difference Between Punk and Emo to Porn Sites?

Posted on September 4, 2019 by Jay Chanoine

Almost literally all of the information in the world is at our fingertips at any given moment and with it, almost literally all of the porn. Your specific sub-genre of choice that used to be found in one magazine will now kick back thirty pages of search results. Gone are the days of needing to pause your VHS of Return of the Living Dead at just the right full frontal graveyard moment just to get your trashy punk rocks off.

But with this rise in neon-haired video fornication, it’s become clear that the distinctions between different countercultures are not so clear to everybody. So could somebody please explain the difference between punk and emo to porn sites?

It’s an age old issue. Punks mistaken for goths mistaken for emos. The general population doesn’t know what you are and I blame Davey Havok for blurring those lines. But it’s a whole new set of problems when it infringes on my pornographic preferences.

There’s nothing worse than preparing for a frantic masturbation session set to “Tattooed Punk Chick Rides Hard” only to find that the tattoo reads “Sugar We’re Going Down”. Whoever titled that video had no clue what they were talking about, I know how “hard” one is “riding” is a subjective topic but this was not the coitus of anyone who’s ever lost a tooth in a pit or slept on a pile of PBR empties. It was the sex you have when you’re way too excited about that night’s Saves The Day show.

This is an injustice to punks and emo kids alike. Somewhere there’s gotta be some droopy banged sad boy looking to crank one out to excessive eyeliner who’s sick and tired of the girl seeming like she wants to reach through the screen and kick his ass for choosing The Black Parade as his jerk jam soundtrack. Well, at least emo kids have already fetishized rejection and disappointment.

Look, it’s not that I’m not happy about the wealth of Warped Tour wanking to be had in our modern times. I am happy. So happy that it makes me want to have an orgasm and I cannot do that until the adult film industry learns the difference between liberty spikes and anime bangs.

Sunken-Eyed Community Manager Totally Hears What You’re Saying, Will Pass It on to Developers

Posted on September 4, 2019 by Hard Drive Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Sipping his ninth cup of coffee for the day, Community Manager Benjamin Grant wearily made note of your incredibly reasonable complaint regarding their upcoming title and will make sure his senior team members get the message, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, great point,” said Grant, addressing a post on his team’s Reddit page that requested for more impressive weaponry on some of the upcoming game’s vehicles. “I can tell my director that the guns on the airships that we’ve spent months fleshing out should be ‘huger.’ I totally hear what you’re saying, and I will pass that onto the developers.”

Grant is merely one of several members of the ambitious crew that puts in an average of 80 hours a week fielding requests, complaints, and unhinged rage from the game’s anticipatory fanbase, and assuring them that their feedback will be appropriately delivered.

“This game hasn’t even come out yet and they’ve ruined it three different times,” said one frequent poster, known as _Shitting_Butterfly. “Once when they delayed it from last spring to this winter, once when they abandoned all of the character models they’d been showcasing for a year, and um, I forget what the other thing was but I’m still pretty mad about it. I’m starting to not even care about this game even though I have become incredibly personally invested in!”

The untitled project in development, an open world first person shooter set in space, we’re assuming, is set to release this holiday season, ensuring a continued commitment from the entire team.

“Oh yeah, I mean I figured as much,” said Grant, staring off into a corner of the ceiling for minutes at a time. “This game’s been delayed more times than I can count. I’d be surprised if we released this year. I’m sure this will be another Christmas at work, getting screamed at for politicizing our war game. Yeah, I totally hear what you’re saying, we should unionize. I’ll be sure to pass that along to my developers.”

As of press time, Grant’s developers were reprimanding him for misallocating company time by participating in this story.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Band Draws Straws to Determine Who Will Drink and Drive

Posted on September 4, 2019 by Collin Canning

SUMMERVILLE, S.C. — The hardcore band Gout prepared for their show tonight with their new tradition of drawing straws to determine who will drink and drive later this evening, tipsy sources report.

“It’s best to get it out of the way right off the bat, so we’re not all hammered and still arguing about who’s gonna drive home,” said frontman Kirk Franks, the band’s designated drunk driver for the evening. “There’s a lot of young kids who look up to us around here, and we gotta set an example. No rookie mistakes on our watch.”

“If we pick a specific person to drive drunk early on, it really puts the rest of the band at ease,” bassist Phil Peck added.

The band’s innovative approach involves each member drawing a straw at random from a pre-selected handful, with the person drawing the shortest straw designated to drive the rest of the band home. Whomever draws the short straw is limited to no more than six drinks for the entire evening.

“It was easier when we still had Chuck [Magiapani], our old drummer. He was straight edge and, by default, always the sober driver. But last month he was killed by a drunk driver… who actually turned out to be a way better drummer,” said Peck, polishing off a double gin and tonic. “That’s the universe for you.”

Despite the oft-unwanted position, some band members don’t mind the responsibility.

“I’m not allowed to drive at all since the accident, which is a shame, because I’m a super careful drunk driver,” noted new drummer Brian Stoico. “I’ve had a lot of experience with very few incidents. Plus, I drive a stick, so I have to for-real pay attention when I’m driving. But I think Kirk’s up tonight, which works. He only has one DUI.”

At press time, the band was seen standing around their van, trying to figure out who had the second shortest straw after Franks passed out in the venue’s bathroom just before slurring, “No one said nothin’ about mixing Oxys.”

Hard Times Wonders if They Can Get a +1 on New York Times Best Seller List

Posted on September 3, 2019 by Jeff Cardello

NEW YORK — The Hard Times, often considered the only reputable website on the internet, tried to get a friend in for free yesterday for their upcoming “gig” on the New York Times Best Sellers list for their new book, much to the confusion of the esteemed paper.

“Our buddy John did a lot of street work getting people to pre-order me and shit. This is a fancy list, and we want our friends to get a cool experience out of it. I bet they let James Patterson bring all his buddies,” said The Hard Times book. “Listen, this is my first time doing any of this, so I’m just hoping everyone can just be cool.”

Driving a late model brown Ford van, The Hard Times book pulled up to the rear entrance of the esteemed newspaper, where they entered to the surprise of the New York Times staff.

“I’m not sure [The Hard Times book] knows exactly how this list works. At one point, it got on the office P.A. and demanded that ‘all of you mother… bleepers move up to the front,’” said Terrence Rutherford, a New York Times sports editor. “Language like that hasn’t been uttered in this office since Jonathan Franzen accidentally locked himself in the bathroom.”

Despite the complete lack of understanding of how the New York Times Best Sellers list is curated, The Hard Times book still tried to sneak its friend in.

“I tried blending in by walking in with a group… but I guess not many people show up to work at the New York Times wearing an Aus-Rotten T-shirt,” said a friend of The Hard Times, who only wanted to be identified by his nickname, “Johnny Stench.” “They stopped me and asked if I had any credentials. I said, ‘Here’s my credentials…’ right before flipping those eggheads off.”

The New York Times claimed that even though The Hard Times was banned from ever returning, they continue to call their office.

“They keep asking about where they are in the lineup for their next show… I finally told them that they got bumped for The Onion. I’m hoping they got the message,” said Rutherford.

Man Wears Beret a Record 90 Seconds in Public Before Getting Self-Conscious, Removing It

Posted on September 3, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — Local man Raymond Kieffer set a new personal record moments ago by wearing his beret for 90 seconds in public before feeling weird and removing it, fashion-conscious neighbors reported.

“Wearing the beret is something I’ve wanted to do since pretty much forever… I just never had the guts. Hell, I even once lied to my friends by telling them I was 1/16th French, hoping someone would suggest I wear a beret. But no one took the bait,” said Kieffer. “I’m not a religious person, but sometimes when I see a person on the street wearing overalls or pajama pants or Crocs, I silently ask God why they’re blessed with so little shame and I’m so full of it. I guess some things are not meant to be understood.”

Kieffer’s neighbor Maggie Wilf was the only person to see him during his record-breaking beret period, noting he was “obviously nervous” to be outside.

“I was in the hallway leaving for work. Our apartment building has paper-thin walls, and I heard Raymond in his apartment saying to himself, ‘Today is the day,’” explained Wilf. “A few seconds later, he was strutting down the hall and doffed his cap at me. I jokingly said ‘bonjour,’ just teasing a bit… but his face got real red and he ran back inside muttering, ‘Stupid, stupid, stupid,’ over and over again. I felt terrible.”

Friend Gus Cantwell, recently aware of Kieffer’s secret beret desires, has encouraged him to “dress the way he wants.”

“Raymond confided in me that he wanted to wear a beret like his hero, Johnny Depp. I keep trying to tell him, ‘Wear whatever makes you happy and fuck the haters,” said Cantwell. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to rip him a new asshole if I see him wearing some dumb shit like a beret — like when he went through that fucking stupid 23-second bolo tie phase — but he should still wear what makes him happy.”

At press time, Kieffer was experimenting with immersion therapy by wearing his beret, a deep v-neck, an infinity scarf, and skinny jeans all at once in hopes of finally ridding himself of all shame.

I Couldn’t Get Harmony Korine for an Interview, so I Asked the 32 Year Old Cashier at Zumiez to Huff Glue and Talk About Movies

Posted on September 3, 2019 by Brandon Kratkoczki

Harmony Korine is one of the most interesting directors of his generation. His films are bizarre, uncomfortable trips into unexpected places. I thought it’d be great if I could talk to such a visionary guy for this publication, but unfortunately, I couldn’t get a hold of him. I did the next best thing: I know Harmony’s a strange guy and has a long history with the skating scene, so I improvised.

I went into one of the three Zumiez at my local mall and asked the oldest looking cashier if he wanted to huff glue and talk about the art of cinema and making movies. The following is the conversation I had with 31-year-old Zumiez employee Dylan Zane.

HARD TIMES: So, Dylan, thanks for joining us today. We really appreciate you filling in the slot.

DYLAN ZANE: Heh, that’s uh… no worry, man. No worry.

So, what are some of your –

No worry!

…Right. What are some of your favorite movies?

Shit man, damn good… good question. One time I was watching Nightmare on Elm Street with my cousin, and when Freddy’s hand came out of the bath I was like ‘oh shit, get out of there!’ But then I thought about what would happen if that happened to me, and I decided that if Freddy’s hand came out of the bath, I’d like, try to shake it. Greet him like a gentleman.

What’s your process when you work with actors?

One time, a nearby high school wanted to, like, promote their show by hanging a poster in our store. I tore that shit in half right in front of them, man. You can’t tell Dylan Fuckin’ Zane what to do, Zumiez is my house.

Great. Uh, let’s see… do you mind if I ask you a question I wrote specifically for Harmony Korine? I haven’t really had time to prepare.

Harmony’s a fucked up name, man.

Okay… How did your past in skateboarding influence your film work? I know you were around the New York scene in the mid to late 90s.

Shit, if I made a movie? It’d be the tightest shit ever. I’d get Randall from back in the day, and I’d have him do a kickflip over a, uhhh…

A canyon? A gorge?

No man, like… a flatbed truck. There was a truck back near one of our old spots, it’d be cool if I could use CG to make him jump over it.

Would anything else happen in this movie, or is it just your friend jumping over a truck?

(sniffs, coughs) Art doesn’t have to explain itself to you.

That actually kind of sounds like something Harmony Korine would say, so I think I got what I needed. Thanks, man.

Happy to oblige, good sir.

I think I’m like 6 years younger than you, you don’t need to call me sir.

Uhh, yeah, uhh, okay… little boy.

Two Guys Wearing Cryptopsy Shirts in Dentist Waiting Room Not Going to Acknowledge It

Posted on September 3, 2019 by John Danek

BROOKLYN — Two patients waiting in the Dr. Smiles dentist office were seen wearing the same shirt featuring Canadian tech-death band Cryptopsy, but showed no indications of acknowledging the astounding coincidence, intrigued dentist staff reported.

“I thought they were brothers — or at the very least, friends,” explained receptionist Gabrielle Gordon, who has worked at the Crown Heights dentist office for five years and has never once seen a single person in a Cryptopsy shirt, let alone two in a single day. “The shirts appear to be identical, and both guys had similar, patchy beards… but they’re not acknowledging each other at all, and the tension is palpable. Oh, and their first names both may have been Robert, but due to HIPAA, I can’t confirm or deny that.”

Robert Bly, who had the earlier appointment, denied any knowledge of noticing anything unusual in the waiting room.

“Uhh, there might’ve been someone else in the waiting room… but to be honest, I can’t even remember,” recounted Bly while avoiding eye contact with anyone. “If there were another person there, though, I’m sure he wasn’t as big of Cryptopsy fan as I am, that’s for sure — probably one of those bandwagon fans who didn’t keep listening after ‘The Unspoken King,’ and probably doesn’t have Flo’s autograph on the back of a ripped flyer, either.”

Robbie Patterson, the other patient, offered a much less guarded analysis.

“That’s fucking it — I’m moving out of Brooklyn,” declared Patterson in a fit of rage. “You can’t go anywhere without someone jockin’ your style. Can I have just one fucking band to myself? One band? What are the odds that some poser who only knows ‘None So Vile’ because they saw it on some Anthony Fantano Top 10 list video has to sit down right next to me before a teeth cleaning? My brother made me listen to it back in 1997 when I was 10, and I was so scared I cried. That’s how true metal fans are made.”

In related news, police were called to a Williamsburg poke shop, where 12 unaffiliated men in Darkthrone shirts ate simultaneously, prompting fears of a cult ritual by elderly neighbors.

Band Shares Heartfelt Thank You to Fans Who Start Drama on Their Behalf

Posted on September 2, 2019 by Dominique Tasker

ATLANTA — Local indie band cakeWork thanked their small, passionate fanbase today via a Facebook post for their continued support and the never-ending drama they start on the band’s behalf, sources very pleased with themselves confirmed.

“Our fans will go to bat for us on literally anything, and we think it’s so cool how they’re willing to alienate all their friends in our defense. It really warms our hearts,” said cakeWork keyboard player Devon Kahn. “Just last week I saw someone on Twitter calling out Arcade Fire for not taking us on tour with them… and bless their heart, this fan said they would make sure every member of Arcade Fire will regret the day they were born.”

Most recently, cakeWork fans harassed and doxxed a DIY venue’s residents over a dispute about the lineup of an upcoming show — despite the fact that the band and the venue had already settled things amicably.

“I don’t care if cakeWork is cool with the venue now,” said Jaye Sexton, a self-proclaimed “super fan” who just discovered the band after following his ex-girlfriend’s Spotify playlist. “They never should’ve fucked with us in the first place — everyone in that scene deserves to eat shit and die. It’d be a real shame if that venue’s precious little dog mascot happened to vanish one day. A real fucking shame.”

The post thanking the hyper-defensive fans accumulated dozens of likes and comments in mere minutes.

“The gratitude they showed their fans only made things worse,” said Ashley Leighton, manager of the band’s former record label. “We dropped them after they were accused of stealing all the money from a benefit show for pediatric cancer, but now, their fans are sending us threatening letters… and someone even spray-painted a cake on the side of my Honda. I’ve tried calling the cops, but they don’t take threats from indie rock fans seriously.”

Following the positive response to their “thank you” post, cakeWorks’ tourmates in Replicant Doofus made a similar post on Instagram, encouraging fans to take to the streets and start fights with strangers as a sign of support.

Labor Day Hero: Retail Worker Enjoys Extra Three Minutes Pretending to Shit in Bathroom

Posted on September 2, 2019 by Taylor Roebuck

DENVER — Local retail worker Carson Patterson earned himself a luxurious, three-minute paid vacation for Labor Day by faking a shit-break, awe-inspired sources confirm.

“It really takes a certain measure of bravery,” said Patterson. “I used those three minutes to think about my fallen brothers and sisters, who don’t get paid breaks and aren’t able to pretend to shit as well as I do. Them, and my comrades who take customer complaints while I’m listening to some dude dribble pee all over the floor. That’s who I think about while I’m scrolling Twitter on my phone.”

Patterson’s coworkers admired his tenacity and determination.

“If you think about it, what he’s doing is truly brilliant — some people use a good chunk of their lunch break to make a move like that; others will hold it until they get home. But not Carson. Not today,” said Jennifer Martin, a fellow cashier at the Family Deal Center. “I took up smoking just so I could go outside every once in a while. I wish I would’ve thought about taking extra bathroom breaks. Would’ve saved me a lot of money.”

However, Patterson’s technique of getting extra time to himself may not be as inconspicuous as he thinks.

“Oh, come on. I totally know what he’s up to. How much time does a human really need to spend in the fucking bathroom?” said Jill Kruger, Patterson’s shift manager. “He’s not sly at all — he always winks when he tells me he’s gotta go again. Honestly, I’d much rather he just disappear without him telling me, ‘Aw, hey, boss, I ate a burrito the size of a football last night and I gotta go hang a rat real bad.’ Even if that’s a total lie, it’s still not something I want to hear.”

At press time, an elderly customer was knocking on the door of the Family Deal Center’s one-stall bathroom, begging to whoever was in there to please hurry up.

Opinion: If Not for Fred Durst, Limp Bizkit Would’ve Been Just Fine, Instead of Fucking Incredible

Posted on September 2, 2019 by Louie Aronowitz

Okay, I admit it- I have a soft spot for Limp Bizkit. But before you judge me, you should know that their guitarist, bassist, and drummer are actually really good musicians. They write masterful and original parts and, with another singer, could have gone down in the annals of music history as a pretty solid band. But then Fred Durst rolls up and, of course, fucking CRUSHES it, cementing their reputation as a FUCKING INCREDIBLE band.

Let’s start with the basics – Nookie

When you hear the instrumental you immediately recognize it. It stands out as definitively Limp Bizkit. It’s a weird and quirky groove, beautifully complex, yet simplistically catchy. It’s perfect. That is until Durst adds the lyrics, and then you realize NOW it’s perfect. The one thing missing was a reference to inserting a cookie into an anatomical orifice.

Want further proof? Let’s go back in time a little and revisit Sour.

Here’s a quick exercise for ya: ask any guitarist to play the riff in this song. I bet they can’t. The instrumental is nothing short of brilliant. As always, interesting in its intricacies, yet blended into the backdrop so as not to distract. Like every other Wes Borland riff, the one thing missing was a rap rock bro tastefully expressing, “I sound like a bitch, a little bitch in heat, with all that anger that I’m feelin, bitch I think it’s heat.” Perfection.

Though there are literally thousands of killer songs by the Bizkit, we’re gonna examine one more to exemplify our aforementioned theory: Rearranged.

You definitely remember it. They’re in the jail cells that fill up with milk or something? More importantly, when that Bum ba-dum bah, budle-a-bum, buddle-a-bah dah dup on the bass plays, everyone is immediately on board. How many bands have singles that are universally recognized within the first second? Barely any! That’s why The Biz’ is the GOAT.

While that fat bass riff mind melds with a funky drum groove and eerie guitar tones tastefully sweep above, what could possibly improve upon such an engaging instrumental? You guessed it: a faux nu-metal dude pseudo-rapping. Unfortunately the lyrics make no mention of attacking someone with a chainsaw, nor do they even come remotely close to, “Fucked up aids, from fucked up sex, fake ass titties, on a fucked up chest,” but they serve their purpose.

So there you have it. Just a few examples of how Limp Bizkit without Fred Durst would be great, instead of the best fucking band ever. If you disagree with anything in this article, in the words of Fred in the seminal release N 2 Gether Now, “Shut the fuck up!”

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