So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon

Posted on by Chandler Dean

MOLINE, Ill. — Sources close to alleged atheist Bryce Rocha have confirmed that despite his insistence that believing in God is a childish fantasy, he still holds down the B button while catching Pokémon even as he approaches the age of 30.

“Bryce is constantly lecturing me about how prayer is just magical mumbo-jumbo that rational thinkers should abandon,” said Alyssa Pratt, Rocha’s roommate. “But the other day, a shiny Oddish popped up on his 3DS screen and Bryce smashed the B button with his thumb like his life depended on it.”

“He even quietly mumbled ‘come on, come on, please please please’ while he was doing it,” Pratt added. “He seemed to sincerely believe that would make a difference. I guess there really are no atheists in foxholes or when a shiny shows up.”

Rocha’s childhood best friend, Aubrey Nelson, indicated that both Rocha’s atheism and his unyielding dedication to unconfirmed video game rumors were defining characteristics of his adolescence. 

“He always insisted the Bible was a bunch of made-up stories by people who had no idea what they were talking about,” Nelson recalled. “He first told me that during a sleepover where he made us stay up all night playing Super Mario 64 so we could unlock Luigi as a playable character.”

When reached for comment, Rocha did not address his gaming habits, but spoke at length unprompted about his disdain for religious individuals.

“The most insane part is that people are indoctrinated into these baseless beliefs at a young age, and they never take a moment to reflect and question what they’ve been told,” said Rocha.

“The bottom line is, religion is a waste of time,” Rocha declared as he turned to his computer to google the latest speculation about Half-Life 3. “I just don’t understand how you could spend your whole life so fixated on something that is never going to happen.”

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Uncle Adds Hard Seltzer to Ever-Growing List of Things Destroying America

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HORSHAM, Pa. — Local uncle and baby boomer Don Waldemire added the incredibly popular, carbonated alcoholic beverage White Claw today to his ever-growing list of things destroying the “great U.S. of A.,” completely sick-of-his-bullshit sources confirmed.

“Hell in a handbasket. This whole freaking country, I swear,” said a slurring Waldemire to no one in particular. “This is why all millennials are a bunch of weak brats — because they’re drinking hard seltzer instead [of] beer or whiskey. And sorry if saying that’s considered ‘toxic masculinity’ or whatever, Gillette. But it’s the truth.”

Niece and apparent representative of “millennials and everything wrong with this country” Teresa Kipling has unfortunately suffered through many of her uncle’s rants.

“My mom was hosting a barbecue one Saturday, and out of nowhere, my uncle yelled, ‘This is why your generation is so screwed up!’ Of course, I did a mental inventory of the many things he could be referring to — my clothes, my haircut, my posture — before realizing it was the hard seltzer in my hand,” said Kipling, who works three jobs to pay principal on her student loans. “He then started squealing about how people my age are ‘lazy and entitled’ before telling me to fix his phone because apparently ‘email just disappeared.’”

Waldemire’s regular bartender Kyle Modena, however, pointed out that while hard seltzer is the current object of his ire, blaming America’s problems on a single, trivial fad is nothing new for Waldemire.

“Oh, yeah… right now it’s hard seltzer. But before that it was fidget spinners, pumpkin spice, the ice bucket challenge, Kim Kardashian — who he just calls ‘that butt lady’ — and, of course, those incessant Shen Yun commercials. Soon enough, he’ll forget all about hard seltzer and be on to something else,” said Modena. “Ironically, he’s never once mentioned the things that are actually destroying America, like climate change and domestic terrorism. But he tips me well, so I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

At press time, Waldemire was on the lookout for the next big trend to hate, while also harboring the deep, dark secret that he was once a huge fan of his generation’s hard seltzer, Zima.

We Look Back on the Day Surf Rock Died Because They Were All Playing Electric Guitars on Surfboards

Posted on by Dan Rice

To many, February 3, 1959, will forever be known as “the day the music died.” But for fans of surf rock, that moniker would be taken by an even greater tragedy just five years later.

Today we look back on August 30th, 1964, the day that four of surf rocks biggest stars died tragically while playing electric guitar on surfboards.

Mudge Peters, Scoop Willson, Ponz “Grifter” Heartman and Slaps Coughlin will forever be known as the kings of surf rock. Hard Times has tracked down surviving friends, family, and bandmates of “The Groovin’ Four” who bore witness to their gruesome death. What follows is an oral history of that infamous day:

Hutch Towers – bass player
We knew it was the end of the summer. What we didn’t know was that night would be the end of an era.

Lucy Lux – girlfriend of Scoop Wilson
It was just a bad idea. Everyone thought it but nobody said it. I wish I said it. It was just dumb.

Nicky Preese – Slaps Coughlin’s best friend
Slaps and me were hangin down by the boardwalk smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes and scoping teenagers and all of a sudden Slaps turns to me and says “Hey man, I got a wild idea… Surf Rock!” I said to him “Slaps, there already is Surf Rock! You’ve been playin it for years!” and he says “Yeah… but not on a surfboard!” Slaps ran to the nearest payphone like a bat outta hell and before you knew it the whole gang showed up!

Pete Boss – publicist
Slaps was all about taking Surf Rock to the next level. By 1964, Surf Rock was king and Slaps thought a stunt like this would keep it that way for decades to come.

Flip Hotts – radio personality
If you told me today that Mudge Peters, Scoop Wilson, Grifter Hertman and Slaps Coughlin were going to do dueling guitar solos while riding surfboards, in the water, I would say “Hey, that’s a really bad idea!” But back in 1964 I said “Hey, that’s dynamite!” It was a different time! No one had ever done it, so there was no conceivable way to tell it was dangerous.

Hutch Towers
Well before you know it everybody’s loading up power generators and amplifiers onto these boats that were supposed to follow the surfboards with really long extension cords.

Lucy Lux
You’ve never seen a drunker collection of men operating boats.

Pete Boss
The guy doing all the wiring had a needle in his arm.

Jerry Camero– surf rock fan
I remember saying out loud “What could go wrong?!” And then I kept just sort of repeating those words. It was like, was I trying to tell myself something?

Nicky Preese
A couple of people raised concerns over electrocution. I think it’s cause everyone was so occupied preventing that, no one even considered the possibility that those electric guitars would attract all of those damned sharks!

Flip Hotts
To this day it blows my mind that those four men died of shark attacks and not electrocution. I mean it’s unbelievable. It’s actually sort of a miracle.

Hutch Towers
Some of the sharks got electrocuted but that just seemed to make the sharks angrier and stronger.

Jerry Camero
There was so much blood. When I close my eyes at night I still hear the screams but also the solos. Hot damn could ole Scoop Wilson shred, man!

Pete Boss
Well that was that for Surf Rock. No one wanted to play music at the beach that was known to attract sharks.

Nicky Preese
I remember going to see Pulp Fiction and when that theme song played I thought “Finally, people have forgotten about those electrified sharks.”

Webcomic Bravely Explores How Introverts Are Sometimes Shy But Not Always

Posted on by Andy Holt

SAN FRANCISCO — A recent issue of the webcomic Tell Me Shy drew praise from members of the introvert community, who applauded the author’s fearlessness in depicting how introverts can be shy at times, but other times less shy.

Upon release yesterday, the two-pane comic sent shockwaves through a vibrant subculture of introverts on social media. Many praised it as groundbreaking.

“This comic is an unflinching portrayal of the misconceptions we introverts face in this country. Every time we speak, or don’t speak, we are being judged,” said Aiden Tate, a veteran critic writing for Instagram comment sections. “But some of us aren’t being judged, also, despite what you probably think. Careful with your assumptions there, buddy.”

Tell Me Shy has run daily webcomics on Instagram for almost two years, amassing over 500 issues and nearly as many followers. The author, who goes by the handle B0OknErddd42, requested that their identity remain anonymous.

“As an introvert, I tried to use my platform to reach out and educate extroverts about our struggle in a way they could comprehend. It’s not their fault they have such tiny underdeveloped brains, requiring them to seek approval from outside sources,” wrote B0OknErddd42 via direct message. “You’re going to tell everyone I requested anonymity, right? Make sure to put that in the article.”

The author directed all further questions to their ask.fm page and returned to work on their next issue, which was rumored to take on the controversial subject of how introverts sometimes like being interviewed for news stories, but other times don’t like it as much.

Image by Grace Howson.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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Musicians Attend a “Leaving Your Friend’s Show Early”-Themed Escape Room

Posted on by Kyle Kelly-Yahner

DALLAS — Four local musicians pooled their money together Friday night to experience a “Leaving Your Friend’s Show Early”-themed escape room, baffled sources report.

“Seeing my friends perform is always fun. But, leaving their shows early is one of my favorite parts about the live music experience,” said supposedly supportive friend Tyler Craft. “It’s a thrill to be seen at the show and sneak out completely undetected before the band finishes their first song. This escape room really focuses on how to make yourself known at a show early and often, in order to make a stealthy exit with enough time to re-watch a few episodes of ‘It’s Always Sunny’ before passing out.”

The escape room challenged the group to attend an EP release at a local venue called The Cable, get a few Instagram story posts, and escape without being detected by their friend Chad, played by local actor and musician Jesse Towland.

“I’ve been working this escape room gig for a while. It’s weird, but it’s good, consistent money,” said Towland, prepping for his next shift by picking out a pair of plaid cargo shorts. “Of all the folks I’ve seen come through, though, these four were probably the most prepared. I mean, they came right up to me, thanked me for putting them on the list, and all of them kept wooing during our fake soundcheck.”

United by a perplexing aversion to supporting art in earnest, the group of musicians banded together to find clues, solve challenges, and ultimately escape without being noticed.

“At first, the opening band was blocking us from the front row. But, we used the venue’s blacklight to find the secret passphrase, ‘Great set, guys!’ and the openers let us through,” said local musician Lee Heinesh. “We figured they’d hide the Escape Phone in the last place we’d go to, and we were right: it was hidden in the tip jar at the merch table. All we had to do was quickly post a few Instagram stories of the performance and sneak out during one of Chad’s guitar solos.”

At press time, the group of musicians had left the escape room to attend a friend’s album release and get a taste of the real thing.

Jason Statham Lands Lead Role in Bonk’s Adventure for Paramount

Posted on by Brooks Gray

LOS ANGELES — Jason Statham addressed a crowd of reporters Tuesday morning after the news broke that he would be playing the caveman Bonk in Paramount Pictures’ upcoming live film adaptation of the game Bonk’s Adventure.

“I am thrilled for the opportunity to play Bonk and I relish the chance to bring his adventure to life,” said Statham, who beat out dozens of other bald actors including Vin Diesel and John Travolta for the coveted role. “At first, I was like, ‘this guy’s bald. I’m bald. Seems like a perfect fit.’ But then I learned more about the character and I was fascinated by Bonk’s headbutt-only fighting technique and how he plummets head first into prehistoric baddies. I think there will be a lot of interesting emotions for me to explore here.”

Fellow action star Jet Li has been tapped to direct the $78 million film, which is set to begin shooting this October. Paramount executives originally wanted a family-friendly action romp a la Jumanji but Li has gone on the record that he wants a “massive body count” for Bonk and envisions a hyper-stylized blood bath.

Some in Hollywood believe that Paramount has wildly overestimated the nostalgic appeal of Bonk, a character originally developed for the long-defunct TurboGrafx-16 console, but Paramount spokesperson Gill Carmichael disagrees. 

“Our research suggests that the appetite for third and even fourth tier video game characters like Bonk have untapped market appeal. We also firmly believe Bonk’s Adventure is a classic tale that will appeal to both new fans and die-hard Bonkaholics alike. And have you seen Jason’s head? It’s perfect.”

At press time, a full press release clarified that although Bonk’s Adventure has been greenlit, it will never actually get made and instead spend 15 years in development hell.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Sound Check Better Than Actual Set

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

AUSTIN, Texas — Folk/glam/punk septet Basket Robbers sounded “tolerable” and perhaps even “great” during their sound check last night at Jester King Brewery in downtown Austin before transitioning into their usual obnoxiously pretentious spectacle.

“They were amazing… like, so good. Like, they would play the beginning of a Nirvana song, and then out of nowhere, one of them would nail a Pantera riff. I expected a lot from them seeing how much they dazzled everyone while setting up,” said sound guy Jeremy Jarrett. “But once they went into their set, I mean… woof. That was some hot garbage topped with a steaming pile of dumpster disaster.”

The audience was reportedly stunned by the drastic difference.

“Nobody really pays attention to a sound check — it’s a good time to buy a drink or have a smoke — but this band seemed special. Their mic checks were beautiful vocal harmonies, they played 10 seconds of my favorite Jimmy Eat World song, and it sounded tight as fuck,” said Grant Farber, frequent patron of the brewery. “After sound check, though, they brought out like, 40 more band members, playing like barrels and buckets and crap like that. I think I saw one guy just sitting on a horse for the whole set. The singer screamed through a parking cone instead of using a mic, and spent most of the time throwing glitter at the crowd while strutting around like Mick Jagger.”

Basket Robbers frontman Alex Ferguson felt differently, however, doubling down on his antics.

“All those songs we play to warm up are a joke — 10-year-olds like those songs,” said Ferguson of the universally loved songs. “We gotta challenge ourselves to be something different and really expand the possibilities of a show. And you know what? We succeeded, and then some. This set straight up destroyed. Releasing doves into the audience? Flawless! Why would we sit up there as a trio playing heartfelt pop songs, when we could have a full, 72-piece orchestra that never actually plays?”

At press time, the few people actually impressed by the band were disappointed that, despite the amazing cover art on the latest Basket Robbers’ LP, the actual recorded music was nothing more than a man whispering swears in French.

Steve Bannon Can’t Believe He’s Already Considered Classic-Right

Posted on by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Steve Bannon was flabbergasted to learn yesterday that his hate-filled, racist propaganda and rhetoric, once considered the cornerstone of the alt-right scene, is now played on classic-right stations across the United States.

“This is bullshit ageism!” said Bannon while drafting a restrictive immigration policy based on melanin pigments to submit to ALEC. “They’re really going to lump me in with nostalgia acts like Bob Dole and George W. Bush? Those guys were moderate wimps compared to the shit I think of when I’m in a good mood. I’m a goddamned Nazi, for fucks sake! I’m hardcore! Motherfucking pricks, I am a neo-Nazi! It’s right in the name — ‘new’ Nazi!”

Phillip Reids, owner and programmer of a wide network of right-wing AM radio stations across the country, respectfully defended his rebranding of Bannon’s output.

“[Bannon]’s influence is undeniable, and the movement wouldn’t be what it is today without him. But the fact of the matter is, today’s hateful youth are finding different scenes. Lo-right, Indie-right, Chill-right… that kind of stuff. After a long day of trolling social media, eating Tide pods and masturbating to hentai, the last thing young losers want is to be radicalized by someone who looks like their grandpa.”

Even some diehard Bannon fans — “hate-heads,” as they like to be called — have conceded that the recategorization makes sense.

“Hey, I love Bannon’s shit just as much today as I did in 2008. But none of us are getting any younger,” conceded right-wing internet troll Keith Ryan. “A grey hair here, a faded swastika tattoo there… that’s just life. Sometimes, I don’t even know which message boards still allow me to post sexually explicit comics of AOC. I can’t expect my nephews to be influenced by the same hate leaders who resonated with me at that age.”

After a brief cool down, Bannon announced plans to launch a new movement he calls “Adult Contempo-right.”

Opinion: Could Somebody Please Explain the Difference Between Punk and Emo to Porn Sites?

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

Almost literally all of the information in the world is at our fingertips at any given moment and with it, almost literally all of the porn. Your specific sub-genre of choice that used to be found in one magazine will now kick back thirty pages of search results. Gone are the days of needing to pause your VHS of Return of the Living Dead at just the right full frontal graveyard moment just to get your trashy punk rocks off.

But with this rise in neon-haired video fornication, it’s become clear that the distinctions between different countercultures are not so clear to everybody. So could somebody please explain the difference between punk and emo to porn sites?

It’s an age old issue. Punks mistaken for goths mistaken for emos. The general population doesn’t know what you are and I blame Davey Havok for blurring those lines. But it’s a whole new set of problems when it infringes on my pornographic preferences.

There’s nothing worse than preparing for a frantic masturbation session set to “Tattooed Punk Chick Rides Hard” only to find that the tattoo reads “Sugar We’re Going Down”. Whoever titled that video had no clue what they were talking about, I know how “hard” one is “riding” is a subjective topic but this was not the coitus of anyone who’s ever lost a tooth in a pit or slept on a pile of PBR empties. It was the sex you have when you’re way too excited about that night’s Saves The Day show.

This is an injustice to punks and emo kids alike. Somewhere there’s gotta be some droopy banged sad boy looking to crank one out to excessive eyeliner who’s sick and tired of the girl seeming like she wants to reach through the screen and kick his ass for choosing The Black Parade as his jerk jam soundtrack. Well, at least emo kids have already fetishized rejection and disappointment.

Look, it’s not that I’m not happy about the wealth of Warped Tour wanking to be had in our modern times. I am happy. So happy that it makes me want to have an orgasm and I cannot do that until the adult film industry learns the difference between liberty spikes and anime bangs.

Sunken-Eyed Community Manager Totally Hears What You’re Saying, Will Pass It on to Developers

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Sipping his ninth cup of coffee for the day, Community Manager Benjamin Grant wearily made note of your incredibly reasonable complaint regarding their upcoming title and will make sure his senior team members get the message, according to those familiar with the situation. 

“Yeah, great point,” said Grant, addressing a post on his team’s Reddit page that requested for more impressive weaponry on some of the upcoming game’s vehicles. “I can tell my director that the guns on the airships that we’ve spent months fleshing out should be ‘huger.’ I totally hear what you’re saying, and I will pass that onto the developers.” 

Grant is merely one of several members of the ambitious crew that puts in an average of 80 hours a week fielding requests, complaints, and unhinged rage from the game’s anticipatory fanbase, and assuring them that their feedback will be appropriately delivered.

“This game hasn’t even come out yet and they’ve ruined it three different times,” said one frequent poster, known as _Shitting_Butterfly.  “Once when they delayed it from last spring to this winter, once when they abandoned all of the character models they’d been showcasing for a year, and um, I forget what the other thing was but I’m still pretty mad about it. I’m starting to not even care about this game even though I have become incredibly personally invested in!” 

The untitled project in development, an open world first person shooter set in space, we’re assuming, is set to release this holiday season, ensuring a continued commitment from the entire team. 

“Oh yeah, I mean I figured as much,” said Grant, staring off into a corner of the ceiling for minutes at a time. “This game’s been delayed more times than I can count. I’d be surprised if we released this year. I’m sure this will be another Christmas at work, getting screamed at for politicizing our war game. Yeah, I totally hear what you’re saying, we should unionize. I’ll be sure to pass that along to my developers.”

As of press time, Grant’s developers were reprimanding him for misallocating company time by participating in this story.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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