Guy Accepted into DIY Scene After Painting Thumbnail Black

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

PURCHASE, N.Y. — Self-proclaimed bass player Ezra Steinberg was finally accepted into his local DIY scene Saturday after catching the attention of basement show guests with his freshly painted black thumbnail, impressed sources confirm.

“I expected to get zero head nods again — like a few weeks back, when I showed up wearing a denim jacket I spent hours sewing a Bikini Kill patch onto,” said Steinberg. “Weirdly, the black thumbnail wasn’t even part of the plan this time. But when the guy at the door saw it, he bummed me two American Spirits on the spot and let me in for free.”

Several scene veterans at the show were so impressed by Steinberg’s painted black thumbnail that at first they didn’t recognize him.

“When I saw a chipped black thumbnail in my periphery, I didn’t realize it was attached to that lame kid who always rambles about Supersuckers B-sides,” said Tyler Petrowski, frontman of local punk band the Slow Learners. “I just assumed he was a part of the usual crew… until he brought up Kurt Vonnegut’s short stories, and I realized it was Ezra. I still helped him up when he fell in the pit, though, ‘cause real respects real.”

Although Steinberg is in similar disbelief about his sudden induction, he has shifted his attention to maintaining his status in the scene.

“I’m really psyched to finally be accepted, but I know I’m walking on thin ice. Just to be safe, I’m gonna buy some of the underaged kids beer to make connects with the local bands, and try not to bump my thumb into anything so this paint doesn’t chip all the way off,” he explained. “Best case scenario, this guy Omar’s bassist will get blackout drunk at the next show and I’ll be his fill-in — that would really solidify my place here for at least the next two weeks.”

At press time, Steinberg pierced one of his ears as a back-up plan in case the scene declares that painting your thumbnail metallic silver is the new “painting your thumbnail black” before the next show.

Hyrulean Senate Considers Bill to Eliminate Green Rupees

Posted on by Tom Scarcella

HYRULE CASTLE — The Hyrulean Royal Senate deliberated this morning on a bill to remove the green rupee from circulation, the legislature’s Gossip Stone confirmed.

“It’s about time we took this question seriously. Sure, Ganon’s repeated genocides are a problem, but inflation mixed with a lack of prudent monetary intervention can plunge Hyrule into just as much chaos,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McKorok. “If we’re gonna stick with a giant crystal currency that’s a pain in the ass to lug around, we should make sure each one is worth a damn.”

The bill follows a long-standing debate about the green rupee’s value in an economy where item prices have continued to soar. 

“Let’s stop beating around the Deku Scrub here. Everybody knows green rupees cost more than they’re worth due to the expense of mining and enchanting them so they float just so slightly above the ground,” said Senator Kopper, D-Goron City. 

“Everything you buy these days is priced in intervals of five, so the 1-unit rupee has become pointless,” he added. “They’re such a nuisance that people just toss them in the grass — unlike truly valuable currency that’s securely stored in treasure chests scattered throughout dungeons and caves.”

Despite growing legislative and public opposition to the denomination, there are many parties who are adamant that the green rupee remain in production.

“It’s easy for people to dismiss green rupees from their ivory Sheikah Towers, but this ignores the tremendous value they hold for disenfranchised Bokoblins and others on Hyrule’s oft-neglected lower rungs. Plus, as a link to our society’s past, this humble gemstone has irreplaceable significance to our collective history,” said a spokesfairy from the Hyrule Cross-Timeline Historical Society. “What would killing the green rupee mean for all the hard-working minigame owners who drive so much of our economy? I hope the senate keeps this all in mind instead of just catering to the giant wallets of the upper classes.”

The senate will hold an official vote on the bill after the next blood moon.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

CLICK THE PHOTO AND PRE-ORDER OUR BOOK

Bong Embarks on Six Person Tour Starting in Back of Van

Posted on by Kyle Gunlefinger

TORONTO — A dearly loved bong kicked off a six-person tour last night, starting in the last row of a van belonging to local punk band Nemesis Calling, equally excited and mellowed out sources confirmed.

“Everyone usually brings an eighth of weed with them to van call,” said bassist Frank Torino as he unearthed a perfectly snug bong out of a trombone case. “The bong will take a pretty simple route, going in a straight line from the front seat to the back, and then heading counterclockwise and returning to the front… but, just in case something goes wrong, I mapped out an alternate route for this bad Larry to take as well.”

After two successful stops, the bong showed no signs of slowing down, even reaching its third destination ahead of schedule.

“I can’t believe how well the last two stops went,” exclaimed frontman Steve Jepson, sitting three benches from the back. “Frank has a tendency to schmooze after his turn, which always sets back the bong’s departure time… and our keytarist Chet usually rips it so hard he hands it in the wrong direction and the bong ends up in the middle of nowhere.”

“We have a sub on this tour, so I want to show him that we’re not only professional, but punctual, too,” added Jepson.

However, Josh Kaplan, who agreed to fill in for the band’s regular drummer, was having second thoughts on taking the gig.

“These guys are fucking insane,” sighed Kaplan. “Like, I’m cool with weed and all, but these guys are on another level: once I got in, they handed me a 10-page packet entitled ‘Tour Itinerary’ and it literally — and I’m not fucking making this up — literally broke down the timeline, route, and routine maintenance I am expected to take part in for the bong.”

“All I wanted to do was go over the music, but now I’m high as fuck, wasting time on Instagram looking at pics of hot chicks eating food during their first trip to Europe,” added Kaplan.

At press time, all members of Nemesis Calling were asked to step out of the vehicle by police, and were escorted out of the Ford dealership and into custody.

Five Things We Learned Trying to Interview a Live Bear

Posted on by James Knapp

If there’s one thing everyone knows about the Hard Times, it’s that we’re avid nature enthusiasts. Recently, we had the opportunity to sit down with JoeJack, a live, unsedated kodiak bear and here are the five most important things we learned.

  1. Do Thorough Research Beforehand.

We approached this interview much like any other and right from the start it caused some issues. For instance, did you know that bears don’t speak English? In fact, they don’t speak any human languages according to JoeJack’s handler. They can also smell human fear.

  1. Bears Prefer a More Unconventional Interview Style.

After the whole “unable to communicate with one another” goof we weren’t sure our prepared questions about life in the forest and opinions on climate change were going to cut it. Luckily, it turns out bears actually prefer to be interviewed through more tactile means, and we were still able to learn a lot of interesting stuff, such as…

  1. Bears Love Honey!

We’re sure you’ve heard the rumor that bears go crazy for honey, but we wanted to find out for sure. So, we slathered our intern, Randall, with about eight gallons of pure clover honey and let us tell you, JoeJack loved it. We couldn’t even keep those two separated after that. Which brings us to the next lesson.

  1. We’re Looking for a New Intern.

This is less of a lesson and more of a job posting. Do to recent unforeseen and entirely unpreventable events, we need someone to help around the office. Previous experience in journalism or animal handling is preferred but not required. Any interested applicants should send a resume and CV letter to bear-interviews@thehardtimes.net.

  1. Bears Can’t be Arrested for Murder 

Seriously, if you want somebody dead, like an annoying intern, just have a bear do it! It is completely above board and if you sweeten the deal with honey, the bears love doing it! Fortunately, his handler said he’d be available for as many follow ups as we needed, so you can bet we’ll have plenty more bear news in the future.

 

Jeff Bezos Bankrupt After Making Enough Money For Extra Life

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

SEATTLE — Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos filed for bankruptcy earlier this week after amassing so much wealth that he appears to have earned an Extra Life, resetting his monetary worth to zero.

According to inside sources, Bezos was attending an executive meeting at Amazon headquarters when a sudden six-note jingle was heard in the air. Bezos quickly discovered that his net worth had plummeted to zero, but he felt a deep certainty that he had acquired the ability to defy death a single time.

“Well, financially speaking, I’m ruined,” said a now-destitute Bezos, speaking from inside of a cardboard Amazon box. “But I guess I could survive falling off a cliff or touching a turtle or something, so that’s nice.”

Experts have been baffled by the event, which has sparked outrage and debate in the medical, economic, and philosophical fields. Bezos has refused to allow any medical testing or examination so far.

“I don’t know what to do with myself, to be frank,” Bezos said, as he printed a stack of resumes at the local library. “I guess I just have to start over.” Bezos confirmed that he would not be seeking employment with Amazon, citing their poor working conditions and substandard pay for anyone who isn’t the CEO.

In regards to the extra life, Bezos knows nothing more than anyone else does.

“I just feel it, there’s a little ‘x2’ there, deep in my soul, where there used to be an ‘x1’. That’s all I know. Does it work if I die of old age? Will I come back younger, or would I still be old?” Bezos asked. “Honestly, I think I would rather have kept the money.”

At press time, Bezos’ ex-wife MacKenzie Bezos was reportedly looking into whether she was entitled to a portion of the extra life as part of their divorce proceedings.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

CLICK THE PHOTO AND PRE-ORDER OUR BOOK

Woman With Deep-Seated Fear of Crowds Finds Comfort at Boyfriend’s Gig

Posted on by John Danek

TRENTON, N.J. — Local music fan and extreme demophobe Sally Englund had an unexpectedly pleasant experience last night at her boyfriend’s empty, indie-folk gig, thanks to the embarrassingly bad attendance.

“Sally is taking baby steps towards getting over her fear of crowds,” explained boyfriend Tom Wellinger, the sole member of his project, Peachkiss. “So I encouraged her to come to my EP release show — I figured we’d have about 30 to 40 people show up, and she could get some exposure within a group of loving people that came to enjoy great music. But the venue did a terrible job promoting this and nobody showed up, so she’s breezing along without a problem.”

The experiment took shape when Wellinger promised Englund he’d help her work to overcome her fear.

“Tom assured me he only plays in intimate settings to dedicated fans, so there should be nothing to worry about,” recounted the 27-year-old Englund. “I can’t believe I found someone who loves me so much that they’ll suppress their own, inevitable success to make me feel comfortable. It was such a delight to hear the same songs he plays day in and day out at home in a different room at slightly louder volume.”

Englund’s mother has a theory as to why her daughter developed such an intense fear of large groups of people.

“Her mind instantly jumps to the worst-case scenario when she’s in a crowd because she saw something deeply disturbing at a young age,” admitted Sally’s mother, Donna Englund. “Her father and I took her to see Rush when she was nine — and we just didn’t know that a child’s developing mind can’t handle the terrifying sight of thousands of people sincerely enjoying some of the goofiest music ever created. It really damaged her. When you’re a parent, you have to accept that you will make mistakes… but I’ve never forgiven myself for this.”

To further enshrine his commitment to Englund, Wellinger vowed that he will do everything within his power to keep all of his songs’ Spotify plays at fewer than 1,000. As of press time, he’s been successful in his endeavor.

American Football Once Again Fooled by September Spike in Website Visits

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

URBANA, Ill. — Critically-acclaimed emo band American Football was fooled again this week by an early September spike in online traffic, after millions of football fans mistook their website for one associated with the National Football League.

“Goddammit! Motherfucking piss. How many years in a row am I going to fall for this shit?” said guitarist Steve Holmes. “You don’t understand — I spent a ton of money because I assumed all that website traffic meant demand for new merch. And it’s not like Roger Goodell can tell my daughter, ‘Sorry, but your Nintendo Switch has to go back to the store’ for me.”

Singer Mike Kinsella claimed he previously advised against naming the band “American Football,” fearing the ambiguous name would cause this type of confusion.

“Even in the early days of the internet, I knew it was important to have a band name fans could easily search for online. Why do you think my old group was Cap’n Jazz? It’s because I knew no one else would name something that stupid,” said Kinsella, deleting website comments from NFL fans outraged by the band’s “sissy crap music.” “I actually wanted to name American Football ‘Good Band To Listen To with Energetic Live Shows’ based solely on the keyword search volume, but unfortunately, there was already a Japanese band with that name.”

Interestingly, NFL social media manager Debra Whittaker experienced similar confusion among the National Football League and fans of the band.

“Around 2014, we started getting tweets from flannel-wearing dudes in thick-rimmed glasses saying things like, ‘Come to Newark!’ or sending us bizarre memes featuring the side of a white house. I didn’t know what any of it meant, but these nerds didn’t look like football fans,” said Whittaker. “Once we learned these guys were fans of an emo band, we started blocking them and reporting their names to local authorities.”

At press time, American Football was warning fellow indie-rockers Modern Baseball and the members of Football, etc. against similar, sports-related traffic spikes — as well as considering a name change to the supposedly “totally unclaimed” International Football.

So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon

Posted on by Chandler Dean

MOLINE, Ill. — Sources close to alleged atheist Bryce Rocha have confirmed that despite his insistence that believing in God is a childish fantasy, he still holds down the B button while catching Pokémon even as he approaches the age of 30.

“Bryce is constantly lecturing me about how prayer is just magical mumbo-jumbo that rational thinkers should abandon,” said Alyssa Pratt, Rocha’s roommate. “But the other day, a shiny Oddish popped up on his 3DS screen and Bryce smashed the B button with his thumb like his life depended on it.”

“He even quietly mumbled ‘come on, come on, please please please’ while he was doing it,” Pratt added. “He seemed to sincerely believe that would make a difference. I guess there really are no atheists in foxholes or when a shiny shows up.”

Rocha’s childhood best friend, Aubrey Nelson, indicated that both Rocha’s atheism and his unyielding dedication to unconfirmed video game rumors were defining characteristics of his adolescence. 

“He always insisted the Bible was a bunch of made-up stories by people who had no idea what they were talking about,” Nelson recalled. “He first told me that during a sleepover where he made us stay up all night playing Super Mario 64 so we could unlock Luigi as a playable character.”

When reached for comment, Rocha did not address his gaming habits, but spoke at length unprompted about his disdain for religious individuals.

“The most insane part is that people are indoctrinated into these baseless beliefs at a young age, and they never take a moment to reflect and question what they’ve been told,” said Rocha.

“The bottom line is, religion is a waste of time,” Rocha declared as he turned to his computer to google the latest speculation about Half-Life 3. “I just don’t understand how you could spend your whole life so fixated on something that is never going to happen.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

CLICK THE PHOTO AND PRE-ORDER OUR BOOK

Uncle Adds Hard Seltzer to Ever-Growing List of Things Destroying America

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

HORSHAM, Pa. — Local uncle and baby boomer Don Waldemire added the incredibly popular, carbonated alcoholic beverage White Claw today to his ever-growing list of things destroying the “great U.S. of A.,” completely sick-of-his-bullshit sources confirmed.

“Hell in a handbasket. This whole freaking country, I swear,” said a slurring Waldemire to no one in particular. “This is why all millennials are a bunch of weak brats — because they’re drinking hard seltzer instead [of] beer or whiskey. And sorry if saying that’s considered ‘toxic masculinity’ or whatever, Gillette. But it’s the truth.”

Niece and apparent representative of “millennials and everything wrong with this country” Teresa Kipling has unfortunately suffered through many of her uncle’s rants.

“My mom was hosting a barbecue one Saturday, and out of nowhere, my uncle yelled, ‘This is why your generation is so screwed up!’ Of course, I did a mental inventory of the many things he could be referring to — my clothes, my haircut, my posture — before realizing it was the hard seltzer in my hand,” said Kipling, who works three jobs to pay principal on her student loans. “He then started squealing about how people my age are ‘lazy and entitled’ before telling me to fix his phone because apparently ‘email just disappeared.’”

Waldemire’s regular bartender Kyle Modena, however, pointed out that while hard seltzer is the current object of his ire, blaming America’s problems on a single, trivial fad is nothing new for Waldemire.

“Oh, yeah… right now it’s hard seltzer. But before that it was fidget spinners, pumpkin spice, the ice bucket challenge, Kim Kardashian — who he just calls ‘that butt lady’ — and, of course, those incessant Shen Yun commercials. Soon enough, he’ll forget all about hard seltzer and be on to something else,” said Modena. “Ironically, he’s never once mentioned the things that are actually destroying America, like climate change and domestic terrorism. But he tips me well, so I’ll keep my mouth shut.”

At press time, Waldemire was on the lookout for the next big trend to hate, while also harboring the deep, dark secret that he was once a huge fan of his generation’s hard seltzer, Zima.

We Look Back on the Day Surf Rock Died Because They Were All Playing Electric Guitars on Surfboards

Posted on by Dan Rice

To many, February 3, 1959, will forever be known as “the day the music died.” But for fans of surf rock, that moniker would be taken by an even greater tragedy just five years later.

Today we look back on August 30th, 1964, the day that four of surf rocks biggest stars died tragically while playing electric guitar on surfboards.

Mudge Peters, Scoop Willson, Ponz “Grifter” Heartman and Slaps Coughlin will forever be known as the kings of surf rock. Hard Times has tracked down surviving friends, family, and bandmates of “The Groovin’ Four” who bore witness to their gruesome death. What follows is an oral history of that infamous day:

Hutch Towers – bass player
We knew it was the end of the summer. What we didn’t know was that night would be the end of an era.

Lucy Lux – girlfriend of Scoop Wilson
It was just a bad idea. Everyone thought it but nobody said it. I wish I said it. It was just dumb.

Nicky Preese – Slaps Coughlin’s best friend
Slaps and me were hangin down by the boardwalk smoking Lucky Strike cigarettes and scoping teenagers and all of a sudden Slaps turns to me and says “Hey man, I got a wild idea… Surf Rock!” I said to him “Slaps, there already is Surf Rock! You’ve been playin it for years!” and he says “Yeah… but not on a surfboard!” Slaps ran to the nearest payphone like a bat outta hell and before you knew it the whole gang showed up!

Pete Boss – publicist
Slaps was all about taking Surf Rock to the next level. By 1964, Surf Rock was king and Slaps thought a stunt like this would keep it that way for decades to come.

Flip Hotts – radio personality
If you told me today that Mudge Peters, Scoop Wilson, Grifter Hertman and Slaps Coughlin were going to do dueling guitar solos while riding surfboards, in the water, I would say “Hey, that’s a really bad idea!” But back in 1964 I said “Hey, that’s dynamite!” It was a different time! No one had ever done it, so there was no conceivable way to tell it was dangerous.

Hutch Towers
Well before you know it everybody’s loading up power generators and amplifiers onto these boats that were supposed to follow the surfboards with really long extension cords.

Lucy Lux
You’ve never seen a drunker collection of men operating boats.

Pete Boss
The guy doing all the wiring had a needle in his arm.

Jerry Camero– surf rock fan
I remember saying out loud “What could go wrong?!” And then I kept just sort of repeating those words. It was like, was I trying to tell myself something?

Nicky Preese
A couple of people raised concerns over electrocution. I think it’s cause everyone was so occupied preventing that, no one even considered the possibility that those electric guitars would attract all of those damned sharks!

Flip Hotts
To this day it blows my mind that those four men died of shark attacks and not electrocution. I mean it’s unbelievable. It’s actually sort of a miracle.

Hutch Towers
Some of the sharks got electrocuted but that just seemed to make the sharks angrier and stronger.

Jerry Camero
There was so much blood. When I close my eyes at night I still hear the screams but also the solos. Hot damn could ole Scoop Wilson shred, man!

Pete Boss
Well that was that for Surf Rock. No one wanted to play music at the beach that was known to attract sharks.

Nicky Preese
I remember going to see Pulp Fiction and when that theme song played I thought “Finally, people have forgotten about those electrified sharks.”

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