Woman Carrying Bass Cab up Flight of Stairs Starting to Regret Making a Point

Posted on by Rachel Clayton

PHILADELPHIA — Local bass player Katie Martinez wished last night that she hadn’t tried to make a feminist statement about the strength of women by carrying a 76-pound bass cab up a flight of stairs by herself, according to eyewitnesses.

“It’s my amp and I fucking shred with it, so I can carry it by myself!” declared a sweaty Martinez. “If you think Tina fucking Weymouth needed help to… sorry… fuck. It’s not that I can’t take the weight, it’s just shaped weird.”

Bandmate Trey Arias followed Martinez, carrying the speaker cable and a T-shirt from the merch table — which she occasionally allowed him to use to dab her brow.

“I tried to help her carry it — normally we treat that as a two person job anyway,” explained Arias. “But she told me I was acting like a fuckboi and only letting her carry 80.5 percent when she deserved the full 100. I support her point or whatever, but I just really needed to use the bathroom, and it was impossible to get by her. Pretty annoying.”

On step 12 of the flight of stairs, discovering she had four steps left, Martinez tried to stop for a breather but was interrupted by a young fan heading up the stairs.

“I was like, ‘Fuck yeah, girl power!’” proclaimed aspiring bassist and teenager Cindy Dumont, raising a fist in solidarity toward an exhausted Martinez, whose arms were trembling violently. “I bet she would have raised her fist back if her elbows weren’t so obviously hyperextended.”

Venue manager Von Simmons confirmed he ran into Martinez on the landing as he stepped off the elevator.

“I realized I forgot to tell her about the elevator because I was showing the other guys my glow-in-the-dark drumsticks, but when I started to mention it, she just dropped the cab on my foot,” Simmons recalls. “She said it was an accident, but then walked away without picking it up. Last I saw her she was yelling something about ‘Broad City’ or something.”

Despite her injuries, Martinez still completed her pre-show ritual of 20 push ups, “just like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.”

Punk With Fresh Hand Tattoo Engages in Tense Stand-off With Stamp-Wielding Bouncer

Posted on by John Dixon

RENO, Nev. — A tense stand-off between a grizzled bouncer armed with a rubber stamp and a punk nursing a brand-new hand tattoo held up the line last night for fans attending a Blood Vipers show at the Peach Room, frustrated sources confirmed.

“It’s bullshit, man — I go to shows and bars all the time without getting carded or stamped or anything,” said Lyle Cranston, cradling his hand with its vibrant teal-and-orange Phoenix tattoo close to his chest. “Plus, it’s 2019… isn’t it supposed to be the future? This pisspot of a venue should have fucking wristbands or something more advanced than ink on rubber. If he stamps me now, it could permanently alter my tattoo forever and make me look foolish.”

Due to Cranston’s refusal to allow a stamp to be placed on the back of his hand, the line for the venue stretched around the block, setting a record for the space. However, this achievement did nothing to assuage the tempers of those trapped in the queue.

“Is the point of the hand stamp to prove the guy paid? Because I’m not sure you could forget the dude with pus and blood dripping out of the top of his hand,” said unlucky patron Brett Brown. “I’m glad I’m not wearing a white shirt, because if that guy goes in the pit and swings his fist around, it’s going to look like you sat in the splash zone of a Gallagher show.”

Greg Barnes, the bouncer and a veteran of the venue and scene, was nonplussed by the encounter and had little patience for Cranston’s objections.

“No stamp, no show — it’s really that simple,” Barnes said from behind a disintegrating podium. “I’ve seen it all, so this wasn’t anything new to me: I noticed how swollen his hand was, and the rest of him was covered in tattoos, too… but I couldn’t let him in without a stamp. So after 25 minutes of bitching, I just nailed him on a blank spot right between the eyes and sent him inside.”

At press time, Cranston was overheard yelling at the bartender, insisting he was over 21 but his hands were too swollen and sore to reach into his pocket to grab his ID.

Backyard Wrestling Closest Thing Small Town Has to Culture

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

LEVITTOWN, Pa. — Couple Samantha Dean and Adrian Benezette realized after visiting Benezette’s hometown last week that a poorly run, highly dangerous backyard wrestling show is the closest thing the town has to any cultural entertainment whatsoever.

“I took my girlfriend to visit my hometown for the first time, and we hit a monthly wrestling show behind my buddy Kurt Larson’s parents’ house,” said Benezette. “You know how everyone’s family has quirks you don’t realize are weird until an outsider points it out? That’s how I felt when Samantha and I watched Larry the Bipolar Bachelor bash a fluorescent tube lightbulb over Gentleman Werewolf’s head and German-suplex him into an above-ground pool.”

Dean, who has lived with Benezette in downtown Philadelphia for the past six months, was admittedly shocked by the “folksy” side of her normally urbane boyfriend.

“When we pulled up to the so-called venue, I assumed Adrian was taking me to like, a house show or a backyard comedy night or something. Throughout the first match I kept expecting it to turn into a biting satire of toxic masculinity or something. But, no… it was husky dudes in Halloween costumes, beating the shit out of each other with whatever garbage was nearby,” said Dean. “And everyone in this town does it! Professor Bone Zone was Adrian’s middle school science teacher. His opponent — an oncologist, apparently — said Bone Zone graduated with an MFA from Jabroni U. I hope he has actual credentials if he’s teaching children.”

Mayor and former tag-team champion Tommy “The Meat Dangler” Morgan defended his town’s “charming” and “actually not white trash” reputation.

“You know, a lot of people like to say we’re just ‘small town garbage people’ and all we’ve got is backyard wrestling. But that’s simply not true. It’s only partially true,” said Mayor “Meat Dangler.” “In addition to our knock-down, drag out, backyard slobberknockers, we also have the rock quarry… and the abandoned ShopRite parking lot, where drunken teens do donuts. So, we actually have three things.”

At press time, Benezette was debating whether he should tell Dean about his upcoming Falls-Count-Anywhere Table, Ladders, and Chairs match, or if ignorance is truly bliss.

Glass Joe Decapitated in MMA Debut

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Longtime fan favorite amateur boxer Glass Joe was tragically killed less than a minute into his mixed martial arts debut, horrified sources have confirmed. 

“I’ve called a lot of fights in my day,” said Cesar Francisco, long time MMA Minor Circuit announcer. “But never have I seen so much go wrong for one fighter in such a short amount of time. You have to wonder why a guy in that condition is even allowed to take the fight. I mean, he was loudly shouting his wishes to nap as soon as possible as he made his entrance! He left it all in the octagon though, you have to give him that. Blood, sweat, tears, teeth, at least two organs from what I could see. That was… that was rough.” 

The one-sided massacre was ended just 28 seconds into the first round, as referee Jimmy Shannon declared Glass Joe legally dead and therefore unable to continue the fight. Joe’s opponent, Andre Diaz, had mixed feelings about his brutal victory. 

“I’m not even sure how that happened to tell you the truth,” said Andre Diaz, whose record improved to 4-2 following the knockout. “I came out swinging and he went down, so then I got on him and I grabbed him and just, I don’t know. It was like I was taking a mannequin apart, his head just popped off. Am I going to jail for this?”

Officer Dwayne Watson said that Diaz would most likely be cleared of any manslaughter charges, due to the environment in which the incident occurred, and by Glass Joe’s sheer lack of any MMA aptitude, which was made evident in the bout’s short run time. 

“Did you see the way Joe tried to kick Diaz before the bell rang and he threw his back out?” the officer asked. “Look, anyone that follows the local boxing scene knows that Joe has been on borrowed time for decades. When you enter a fight having lost a hundred boxing matches in your life as well as without any relevant MMA experience, then you assume the risk of being torn apart like a melting snowman. So no, I don’t think there will be any charges filed at this time.”

ESPN has announced a retrospective to air later this week, Body of Glass, Heart of Gold, which will span Joe’s eventful career, including highlights such as the time he was beaten mercilessly by a 13-year-old boy in 1987.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Heartwarming: When This Man Couldn’t Afford His Medication, All of His Friends Chipped in to Say “That Sucks Dude, I’d Help If I Could”

Posted on by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

When local man Teddy Seals discovered that his co-pay had gone up and he could no longer afford his anxiety medication, he was devastated. However, in a wonderful moment of camaraderie and friendship, all of his closest friends chipped in to let him know that they thought the situation sucked and that they would help if they had any money.

“It really meant the world to me,” Seals said, wiping tears from his eyes, “these guys have been through so much, and now they’re going out of their way to let me know that they’d help me if they weren’t so broke.” Seeing this example of friendship really makes you want to reach out to your friends, doesn’t it?

If Teddy wasn’t trapped in a world of psychic pain from the dangerously sudden withdrawal of the medicine that kept him sane, you can be sure he would be having all the feels right now.

“Hey, we all know the feeling,” said Richard Gray, Seals’ closest friend, “none of us have healthcare. I mean, I had it until I turned 26, but that was nearly a decade ago. We’ve all got chipped teeth and fucked up feet and a weird clicking sound in one of our elbows. But we know that if things went from bad to worse, Teddy would totally be there to tell us that the medicare system in this country is screwed up, and that he’d totally lend us money if he had any. That’s what friends are for.”

Sure, the health care system is completely monopolized and manipulated for the sake of profit in this country, but if it weren’t, would moments like this be possible? We really have to consider the pros and cons.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Richard Gray passed away between the creation and publication of this article due to complications with his fucked up foot. Our thoughts are with his family at this time. That sucks dude.

Opening Band Also Headliner’s Audience

Posted on by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — Local punk outfit Desktops, the opening band at last night’s show at The Pinch, inadvertently became the entire audience for headlining band The Flvxxx, confirmed bar staff who made very little money.

“I told the booker I’d backline the drums as a last resort because I had to wake up at 5 a.m. for work the next morning,” said Brian Cibowski, drummer of Desktops. “He told me the guys in The Flvxxx were coming out from Chicago in a rented Nissan Altima and needed to borrow a kit, or else the show would be cancelled. And when I saw that about 15 people marked themselves as ‘going’ on the Facebook event page, I didn’t want to let anyone down.”

Members of The Flvxxx arrived hours after the scheduled load-in and completely missed Desktops set.

“We hit some traffic, and then we thought it’d be funny to stop at every Taco Bell on the way and see who could drink the most Baja Blast,” said The Flvxxx bass player Kerry Ebersole. “Then we accidentally went to the wrong venue… but we also wanted to drive by the Dischord house. By the time we showed up, the crowd seemed pretty anxious to rock.”

An Instagram story posted by Shannon Adams, who worked the door last night, revealed Desktops standing alone together in the center of the venue during The Flvxxx’s set. “I would’ve felt bad for [The Flvxxx] if they weren’t such dickheads — they rolled up and threw me their keys and said, ‘Keep the car close,’ like I was the valet or something,” she said. “It’s gotta be weird to play for nobody. On the flipside, it’s kind of cool to get paid to do absolutely nothing.”

However, The Flvxxx seemed unphased by the low turnout.

“Yeah, it was a pretty light show, but that’s just the way tour goes sometimes.” said vocalist Johnny Seeds. “I will say, however: the folks who were there looked like they were having a great time. The crowd may have been small, but I’m sure they will remember it for a long time to come.”

At press time, Cibowski estimated his drums will need hundreds of dollars in repairs, thanks to The Flvxxx finishing their set by throwing their guitars at his kit.

Surgeon General Warns Vaping Not as Cool as Smoking

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The Surgeon General issued a grave warning to America’s youth today that vape pens and e-cigarettes are sadly nowhere near as cool as an old fashioned cigarette, several bummed out sources reported.

“Vaping has reached a crisis point in America,” said Surgeon General Jerome Adams during a press conference earlier today. “What started as a troubling trend has blossomed into a full-blown epidemic, and it’s time we do something about this. There is simply nothing cool about sucking out of what looks like a television’s remote control and exhaling a giant cloud of smoke that smells like blueberries.”

“Until we can find some way to fix the engineering of these things, it’s probably best for anyone trying to look cool to just smoke in a traditional style,” he added. “And you should get real good at flicking them away when you’re done, to maximize the effectiveness of each cigarette.”

The study comes at a time where over 10 percent of high schoolers were found to have used an electronic vaporizing device in the last year — many of which allegedly did so under the impression that it makes them look “like, kind of badass.”

“Oh, man… this sucks,” said Brennan Price, a self-described vaping enthusiast. “The surgeon general really said all that? Did he mention if doing little tricks with your smoke changed the results? What about blowing really dope clouds? I thought girls were really into that. I can’t believe we just now learning vaping can be harmful to our long-term images.”

Predictably, executives from Big Vapor have denied withholding important knowledge about the impact vaping can have on the average user’s social perception.

“Let me just set the record straight,” said James Monsees, Chief Product Officer at Juul Labs, Inc. “We didn’t know the levels of looking like a fucking dork we were subjecting our users to, and allegations that we kept what we knew from the public are completely fabricated and irresponsible.”

At press time, the surgeon general was clarifying his comments from earlier today, confirming that if you must vape in public, “you should at least be doing one of the weed ones.”

Police Discover Gruesome Underground Doggo Fighting Ring

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

FORT WORTH, Texas — The Fort Worth Police Department held a press conference today, announcing they’ve uncovered and ended a horrific, underground doggo fighting ring operating in the backyard of local man Jerry Ferguson.

“It truly makes me sick to my stomach to describe how we found some of these incredibly rare puppers,” said Ofc. Martin Santos, who initially made the discovery. “The monsters in charge of running this violent sideshow have thankfully been brought to justice… but nothing will ever make the sound of those pained, floofer borks leave my memory.”

Santos collected himself before adding, “It was just so heckin’ bloody.”

Despite doggo fighting being outlawed in most countries, the United States Hooman Society estimates more than 40,000 frens contribute to the buying and selling of woofers, and are all involved in these gruesome, scritch-scrotch activities.

“We’re all prepared to see some pretty sick stuff… but I don’t think anyone on the force was ready to see just how sad and smol these puggerinos got from malnourishment,” said Chief of Police Kris Brennan. “I was doin’ me a big cry when we shut down these criminals. I’m gonna do me a big cry tonight, too.”

Members of the community were shocked to learn this was happening right under their snoots.

“If I had to give a number between one and 10 about how outraged I am, I’d probably say 13/10 — would definitely love to strangle the monsters that forced chonks to fight long boys,” said resident David Preston. “I saw some of the more graphic photos earlier today, with injured doggos splooted all over the place, and I almost threw up my chimken sandwich.”

At press time, Brennan announced the FWPD would award a Medal of Valor to the brave officers willing to go in and say, “Henlo, esuse me. These heckin’ bad tippy-tappies need to stahp.”

We Sat Down With Our Brother in Arms, the Pretzel That Tried to Kill George W. Bush

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Before Donald Trump was the poster-boy president for punks to hate, there was George W. Bush. The 43rd President of the United States. The 9/11 guy. Arguably the best thing to happen to NOFX’s career. What a lot of people tend to forget is that on January 13th, 2002, the president of the United States, alone in his White House quarters, was almost assassinated…by a pretzel. After many years of trying, we were finally able to sit down with our brother in arms, The Pretzel that tried to kill George W. Bush.


Hard Times: Hi, Thanks for taking the time to meet with us, comrade. 

Pretzel: My Pleasure. I apologize for being so tough to meet with. You can imagine why I’ve had to keep such a low profile over these years. 

Totally understandable. Let’s dig into that. What was the inspiration behind the attempt?

Where do I start? He was a total puppet. Son of a former president loses the popular vote yet wins the election to become President? I’m not buying it. He was there to get us in more wars and make some evil mother fuckers some money. After 9/11 I knew he had to be stopped. 

How did you manage to get alone with Bush in the White House?

Well, a contact informed me of the Hammond Pretzel Company a small company based out of Lancaster, PA. They’ve had a great relationship with the White House since the Clinton administration. I knew Bush was one of them good ol’ boys who enjoyed snacking on pretzels while watching Football so all I had to do was find my way into one of these shipments. 

So, you essentially got yourself to the factory and infiltrated one of the bags of pretzels headed for the White House?

Precisely.

Pretzcisely.

What?

Okay, so you make it in. What next?

Well, Georgey boy has a habit of eating like he’ll never see food again He honestly has no idea where he is or what he’s doing 99% of the time. In or out of office. I was sitting in the bottom of the pretzel bag listening to him yell at the TV over some bad call.  I knew he was about to stress eat. A moment later, just as I predicted, his hand came reaching down the bag and it was go time. He pulled his hand out the bag and tossed us through the air into his mouth. I bypassed the teeth, barrel rolled down the tongue into the throat and planted myself deep in his windpipe.

Incredible!

I remember feeling his body slowly drop towards the floor. The impact of his face crashing into the floor sounded like a giant explosion. The type of explosion that he’d order to be carried out in Iraq except this time it’s justified. 

How did you make it out?

Well, there was a brief window where he was knocked out on the floor, so I climbed my way out of his mouth, hid under the couch and waited till things calmed down before making my final exit.

What an incredible story. Obviously, he survived and went on to serve seven more years as president.  Did you just decide to give up after that?

I can’t begin to tell you how bad that messed me up. I was so sure I had accomplished my mission. I even went as far as to orchestrate another attempt in 2008 via another comrade in Iraq.

Another Pretzel?

No. A shoe. 

Oh shit! You know THAT shoe?! You think you can put us in contact with them?

Oh yeah sure, you know how to get into Guantanamo Bay?

Oh shit… 

Yeah I thought not.

Health-Conscious Punk Bikes To Drug Dealer’s House

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

FORT COLLINS, Colo. — Health-conscious punk Stacey “Skaggs” Bellamy will no longer drive her rusted-out cargo van to purchase illicit substances, but will instead bike to her drug dealer’s house to better herself and the environment, according to impressed sources.

“I was waking up every morning shaking, drenched in sweat, and ready to shit my pants if I didn’t cop, like ASAP… and I realized it’s probably because I spend way too much time in the car,” said Skaggs, rubbing her forearms against a nearby concrete wall. “Cycling during my morning, afternoon, and evening commute to go buy dope will do wonders for my health.”

Those who know Skaggs well say her newfound dedication to her personal health is already paying off.

“She’s only been biking for a few days, but she already looks even thinner than she usually does,” said drug dealer Charles “Skanky Legs” Richardson. “She looks good, man — like Fergie sort of mid-way through her meth phase.”

Skaggs’ decision to turn her life around wasn’t one she made on her own, however.

“The whole community hopes her health improves, sure… but also, you’re not allowed to legally drive for two years after your third DUI, so the bike thing just sorta worked out that way,” explained Ofc. Franklin Thompson, walking up to Skanky Legs’ apartment with his service revolver drawn. “The best part is she sucks at riding a bike, so it makes tailing her way easier.”

Skaggs is optimistic biking is just the first of many new ways to improve her fitness.

“They haven’t let me out of the cell, but I hear the weight room here is sick,” said Skaggs, referring to the Larimer County Jail exercise facility. “By the time I get out, I’ll be jogging to score some tar. Let’s see those pigs catch me then.”

At press time, Skaggs was calculating how many FitPoints she’d earn for punching her cellmate in the boob.

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