LEVITTOWN, Pa. — Couple Samantha Dean and Adrian Benezette realized after visiting Benezette’s hometown last week that a poorly run, highly dangerous backyard wrestling show is the closest thing the town has to any cultural entertainment whatsoever.
“I took my girlfriend to visit my hometown for the first time, and we hit a monthly wrestling show behind my buddy Kurt Larson’s parents’ house,” said Benezette. “You know how everyone’s family has quirks you don’t realize are weird until an outsider points it out? That’s how I felt when Samantha and I watched Larry the Bipolar Bachelor bash a fluorescent tube lightbulb over Gentleman Werewolf’s head and German-suplex him into an above-ground pool.”
Dean, who has lived with Benezette in downtown Philadelphia for the past six months, was admittedly shocked by the “folksy” side of her normally urbane boyfriend.
“When we pulled up to the so-called venue, I assumed Adrian was taking me to like, a house show or a backyard comedy night or something. Throughout the first match I kept expecting it to turn into a biting satire of toxic masculinity or something. But, no… it was husky dudes in Halloween costumes, beating the shit out of each other with whatever garbage was nearby,” said Dean. “And everyone in this town does it! Professor Bone Zone was Adrian’s middle school science teacher. His opponent — an oncologist, apparently — said Bone Zone graduated with an MFA from Jabroni U. I hope he has actual credentials if he’s teaching children.”
Mayor and former tag-team champion Tommy “The Meat Dangler” Morgan defended his town’s “charming” and “actually not white trash” reputation.
“You know, a lot of people like to say we’re just ‘small town garbage people’ and all we’ve got is backyard wrestling. But that’s simply not true. It’s only partially true,” said Mayor “Meat Dangler.” “In addition to our knock-down, drag out, backyard slobberknockers, we also have the rock quarry… and the abandoned ShopRite parking lot, where drunken teens do donuts. So, we actually have three things.”
At press time, Benezette was debating whether he should tell Dean about his upcoming Falls-Count-Anywhere Table, Ladders, and Chairs match, or if ignorance is truly bliss.