Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Tesla Update Requires Owner to Tweet Praise at Elon Musk Before Car Starts

Posted on September 10, 2019 by M.J. Amory

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A surprise software update was sent out to Tesla cars late last night that locks the car from starting its engine until the driver goes on Twitter and compliments Tesla owner Elon Musk.

The mandatory download came as a shock to many Tesla owners as they tried to start the car for their morning commute to work.

“I was already running late because I ran out of Keurig pods and had to google how to manually brew my own fucking coffee and now my car is demanding I link my Twitter account and say something nice about Elon Musk,” said Tesla user Mark Stevers. “It even gave me a list of suggestions ranging from SpaceX to Grimes’ music, even though everything since Art Angels has been questionable at best.”

In response to the backlash, Elon Musk posted a Periscope live video on his Twitter to defend the new feature.

“This update has allowed us to add hundreds of jobs to the Tesla corporation,” Musk said. “It is the only way to ensure every single tweet has the correct level of praise for my genius. Isn’t that great? Please tell me it is great. Do it. Do it right now or I will call you a pedophile on Twitter, Mr. Reporterman!”

In an attempt to compromise with angry customers, Musk then promised to quickly send out an update that would give drivers the option to instead listen to his appearance on The Joe Rogan Podcast, where they would merely have to nod and say “good point” every 5 minutes for the entirety of their drive.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Bridesmaid at Punk Wedding Never Going to Wear These Doc Martens Again

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Jessica Carreiro

SEATTLE — Local bridesmaid Allison Snyder was noticeably annoyed yesterday as she stood through her college roommate’s punk wedding ceremony clad in Doc Marten boots she had to purchase and will likely never wear again, wedding guests reported.

“These were going to get returned, until the bride wrote ‘Skate or Die’ on them with a fucking whiteout pen,” Snyder shouted, pointing to the boot she’d slung onto the bar after demanding that the bartender serve her something other than a tallboy during the wedding’s reception. “Now they’ll either get donated, or I’ll keep them in the back of my closet for the next time my niece visits and wants to play dress up.”

Punk bride Daniela Aguilar confirmed she knew Snyder would have a more difficult time getting into the spirit of a punk wedding than the other bridesmaids.

“When I asked her if she’d be in the wedding party, she said, ‘Of course, even though I know you’re going to do something crazy like make us all wear lavender Converse,” Aguilar said. “I didn’t have the heart to tell her.”

A months-old Facebook group thread devoted to Aguilar’s wedding plans revealed that Snyder had repeatedly asked if there was any “wiggle room” on the shoe policy, pointing out that Doc Marten sells floral print boots.

“I wanted them all to have something they could wear again,” Aguilar explained. “If you get the floral print docs, you’ll pretty much only be able to wear those at weddings and balls and shit, right? So the standard eight-eye was the obvious choice… this way they can wear them on a date or a job interview or something.”

Indeed, other bridesmaids held fewer grievances over the bride’s request.

“Honestly, I’m just happy to take part in Dani’s big day, but I’m also kinda pumped to just have any shoes again,” said crust punk bridesmaid Gia Mae. “By the way, if anyone could give me a ride to the lantern lighting thing after the reception, that’d be much appreciated — I can totally throw down a few bucks for gas or go halves on a bowl or whatever.”

At the reception, Snyder reportedly changed into strappy heels to be more comfortable.

Have I Been Looking for Love in all the Wrong Shitposting Groups?

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Courtney Baka

Since the dawn of time, humans have asked one question. Wait, ok two questions. One — how do I get food? And, two — how the heck do I get a mate? Yes, gone are the simple days of cavemen mating rituals. A partner can no longer be won by showy pelt displays and large wheat gatherings, or even super-large wheat gatherings, now that I think about it.

These days, as far as I can determine, men are only impressed by one thing — the dankest of content.

For years I have worked to perfect my meme knowledge, each one steeped in no less than three layers of irony. An endless spiral of referential content, like a snake eating its own tail, or like a never ending GIF of Krumping Marge.

I kept seeing my peers pairing off. Without fail, one of my fellow shitposters would make a poorly Photoshopped meme of George Costanza with just the right bottom text, and all of a sudden, potential suitors were sliding into her DM’s left and right. One Redditor is now engaged to a strong, healthy human male thanks solely to a surprised Pikachu meme.

Can you imagine being impressed by a surprised Pikachu? I wish those two simpletons the best in their happy, basic marriage, truly. Hope you enjoy having great sex after sharing outdated “The floor is lava” memes with each other.

The question remains however: why have I failed to find love in shitposting? Are my takes not timely enough? Are my jokes not inside enough? I thought my Jeffrey Epstein/Woman Yelling at Cat mashup would have me positively swimming in dick! And yet here I remain, unpartnered, alone, with no future of tiny shitposter children to leave my vast harddrive collection to.

Perhaps I’ve been going about my quest for love all wrong. Maybe this isn’t about Kanye or Pink Floyd or even Mr. Show. Maybe this is about me. How can anyone love my obscure Aurora Borealis memes when I don’t even love myself? It might be time set down the phone, pick up a mirror and do some reflecting on the bottom text of my life.

I must first master trolling myself. Then, and only then, will a lover truly be able to shitpost my heart.

Thousands Dead After Rocky Mountains Tapped for One Red Mana

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Peter Casciato

CHEYENNE, Wyo. — Tragedy struck North America when a planeswalker tapped the Rocky Mountains for one red mana, killing tens of thousands of people and causing billions of dollars worth of property damage.

The affected region — which stretches from Ontario, Canada to Colorado — turned sideways, causing a massive landslide on the east side of the mountain that engulfed towns in mere seconds.

“It was an absolute shock,” said a survivor of the event, Maria Stubart. “One minute I was eating breakfast, the next minute my house had tipped over. Living in the mountains, I always knew this was a possibility, and as a long time Magic fan, I understand the risk. I just wish there was a way for these planeswalkers to get mana without the death toll.”

Richard Rosewater, an expert on supernatural geological events, warned that the worst is yet to come.

“In most cases, the real damage happens when the mountains untap and swing back into their original position,” Rosewater explained at a press conference. “Pretty much everything on the undamaged side of the mountain will fly off. If you’re living in Idaho, you should evacuate or you might get crushed by a flying house.

“There’s a possibility,” Rosewater continued, “that this might trigger the largest migration since the entire island of Manhattan was tapped for Blue Mana.”

Governor Mark Gordon of Wyoming has called for federal assistance and for the country to keep the Rocky Mountain Region in its prayers.

“Tonight, I ask that every American prays the mana from the Rockies is being used in a cool deck like gruul midrange,” Governor Gordon said, “and not some mono red bullshit. Because if that’s what it is… our friends and families will have died in vain.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Woman at Poorly-Attended Show Not Even Banging Any of These Dudes

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Krissy Howard

MURRAY, Utah — Local punk and devoted scene supporter Dana Flynn shocked onlookers last night by going to a poorly-attended show alone, and not even because she was banging any of the dudes playing, according to perplexed sources.

“I saw Mindfuck was coming through from Boulder, so figured I’d go since I didn’t have anything else going on,” Flynn stated. “As soon as I got there though, everyone kept asking me who I was there with… which was weird, since there was only like, 10 people in the entire venue, and they all seemed to already know each other.”

Fellow attendees included the 11 dudes who made up the three bands playing that night, along with two of their girlfriends, and the woman who booked the show.

“We’re touring with Blackout, so I knew she wasn’t with any of us. I just assumed she was dating one of the guys from the local opener, but then I saw her buying a CD from their drummer,” recalled Mindfuck frontman Jimmy Santos. “That’s when I looked down and noticed a giant Sharpie’d ‘X’ on her hand and realized she must have paid to come here. I actually think she’s the only person who paid to come here.”

“I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit at shows — punching contests, roman candle fights… I even saw a pit bull give birth once,” he added. “But attending a basement show on a Tuesday when you don’t have to? You can’t accuse her of not supporting the scene, that’s for fucking sure,” he added.

However, some worried Flynn’s unprecedented antics may eventually “really fuck things up for the rest of us.”

“Finding excuses to not watch any of the six shitty bands between my two partners is like a goddamn full time job… and this idiot just shows up for fun?” asked one of the three other non-band people in attendance that night, Jess Nyugen. “What the fuck is her problem?”

At press time, Flynn was volunteering at a local animal shelter, despite no court order to do so.

Feminist Bouncer Pushes Woman Back Into Pit

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local bouncer Courtney Armstrong asserted her progressive ideals at a hardcore show last night by preventing a woman from escaping a mosh pit and pushing her back in, witnesses report.

“These girls today don’t appreciate the struggles we had just getting near the pit back in the day,” explained Armstrong, who’s done security at local venues for the last 12 years. “We carved out that space for you, so you better hold that space. By stopping that girl from leaving the pit, I was arming her for battle against the boys’ club culture of moshing. Also, she seemed kinda out of shape — she was breathing pretty heavily. So, I helped her in more than one way. Regular cardio can add years to your life.”

23-year-old Latoya Gibson, who entered the mosh pit voluntarily, reportedly made several attempts to leave after her asthma flared up and she started “literally fucking choking.”

“My dumb ass left my inhaler in the car, so I was trying to run out and grab it,” said Gibson. “But this bitch kept forcing me back in and screaming at me to ‘lean in’ and shit. I almost died in that pit. Which I guess would be a pretty sweet way to go, but not for at least another 20 years.”

Jenni Park, a bartender who was working at the venue that night, said she can’t wait for Armstrong to “retire, or get hurt bad enough that she’s like, mostly okay, but just can’t work anymore.”

“I’m just so sick of these ‘scene elder’ types trying to tell us how to act, when they’re the ones who fucked up the scene and left it for my generation to deal with,” said Park. “Sure, [Armstrong] was headwalking when I was in diapers, but she also thinks of punk rock as ‘white culture.’ So I joked about her listening to Skrewdriver, and she accused me of gaslighting her, and now I’m the ‘toxic’ one at work.”

At press time, Armstrong was volunteering at her niece’s Girl Scouts meeting, teaching the young women to toughen up with 45 minutes of strenuous wall-of-death exercises.

CinemaSins Awards ‘The Godfather’ Record-Breaking 1,759 Sins

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Hard Drive Staff

NASHVILLE — Popular YouTube channel CinemaSins have released their latest video, titled “Everything Wrong With The Godfather in 28 Minutes,” which attributes a record-breaking 1,759 sins to what is often considered one of the greatest motion pictures of all time

“Um, why is it so dark in this room?” says the narrator of the video, over the ‘I Came to America’ speech that opens Francis Ford Coppola’s film, which received three Academy Awards in 1973, including Best Picture. “Why doesn’t the Don turn on a few lights in here?! It’s your daughter’s friggin’ wedding day for Pete’s sake!”

The video continues to count The Godfather’s various sins, including costume designs, framing choices, and jokes made by characters.

“A fish in the mail? Okayyyyyyyyy, good luck getting it to breath when it’s all wrapped up in that paper,” begins the attribution of the movie’s 587th sin, shortly before complimenting the sense of dread and escalation that the infamous scene of the Corleone family receiving a symbolic package invokes.

Commentators online, however, were not pleased with the video.

“Look, I get what they’re doing, and it’s fine, I guess,” said YouTube commenter GammaRay989. “If your idea of film criticism is counting a crying baby in a church as a movie mistake, then sure, do your thing. I guess it’s just not for me.“

GammaRay989 was surprised to learn of the popular conspiracy theory that CinemaSins is a comedic YouTube channel.

“You’re telling me people think these are funny?” he said. “I may run a YouTube channel focused on the theory, neigh FACT, that the Moon is the Earth and we all live on the actual Moon, but that is the most fucking insane theory I have ever heard.”

The final count of 1,759 sins makes The Godfather the most decorated film in CinemaSins’ history, narrowly beating out the previous record shared by Citizen Kane and Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Modern Day Goldilocks Settles on Cleanest Bathroom Stall

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Dom Turek

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local showgoer Alex Andrade ventured off to the restroom last night in hopes of finding a toilet seat that “felt just right, or at least wasn’t totally covered in piss and shit,” after she was unable to hold it in for one more song.

“I came to a door at the end of a long staircase that said, ‘Knock, lock broken’ on a damp sheet of spiral notebook paper,” explained Andrade. “No one answered, so I walked right in. I’d been standing out there holding it forever, and really just needed someplace to pop a squat.”

Mostly vacant, aside from a single eye peering out the gap of one stall door and the hum of overhead fluorescent lights, Andrade decided to take her chances on locating a suitable toilet.

“The first one was a hard ‘no,’” said Andrade. “I’m not a snob or anything, but it looked like a Jackson Pollock painting in there — and with my weak leg muscles, I couldn’t risk losing balance and making any unprotected contact with the seat. I don’t have health insurance.”

Disconcerted but still optimistic, Andrade assessed the damage in the adjoining stall.

“It’s apparent the last person here attempted some kind of makeshift toilet seat cover,” said Andrade, referring to the semi-saturated one-ply streamers draped in and around the bowl. “They had the right idea, but without good follow-through, it just turns into a bad, soggy paper-mâché project. That definitely won’t do.”

Motivated by the sheer desire to not pee her pants in public, Andrade checked out stall number three with a diminished sense of hope.

“I’d almost resigned myself to peeing outside, but this one had potential,” said Andrade. “There were a few short, wiry hairs on the seat… but after a couple of tries I was able to blow them off and safety position myself over some preexisting iodine-colored pee.”

At press time, Andrade was walking around with dried soap on her hands after realizing none of the sinks had running water.

Help! Twitter Has Radicalized My Daughter into Thinking Astrology is Real

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Jen Cantin

Look, I’m not stupid. I always knew my daughter Monica could be at risk for this kind of thing. She’s always been a “creative” type, coloring in her nails with Sharpie and continuing to watch Steven Universe at age 17, among other unusual habits. But the situation has become dire.

My daughter is being destroyed by an online community who sincerely believes astrology is real.

This insular coven of bohemians has corrupted my odd but ultimately harmless daughter into a dour enigma who struts around the house declaring “it’s Leo season, bitch” before tossing her little brother’s cut-up grapes across the kitchen like confetti, totally unprompted.

Sure, all teens are moody, but I hate to see that irritability channeled into something so nonsensical. Her room is plastered with enough charts, diagrams and symbols to solve a cold case, and she’s always leaving her tarot cards around the house, exposing my young son to nudity, the occult, and images of goats in positions I’m pretty sure goats were never meant to be in.

Obviously, her studies have been affected. She was always a solid student, at least, but now she insists that “Western education” is biased towards “boring-ass earth signs and people with charts seriously lacking in Sagittarius placements.” She stayed home from school with a “headache” for three days before I could finally get her to admit she was refusing to leave the house because Mercury was in retrograde.

Unfortunately, her Twitter account doesn’t offer many clues to her mental state. In fact, she doesn’t share any of her own thoughts at all, opting to retweet meaningless photos with indecipherable captions and only adding a menagerie of emoji or an occasional “lmao.”

I’m worried the bright, artistic young woman we once knew will disappear altogether. With any luck, she’ll eventually grow out of it and move onto the next fad.

Sigh.

The joys of raising a Gemini…

Photo by Mirinda Moriarty.

Hypno Who Once Dreamt of Being Great Pokemon Given Fourth HM Move

Posted on September 9, 2019 by Matt Kenny

KANTO REGION — A local Hypno who once dreamt of Elite Four glory was assigned a fourth and final HM move the dejected Pokémon confirmed.

“My journey began like anybody else’s. Got discovered by a hotshot trainer and started in small time bouts outside Cerulean City,” said the Hypno through a Pokémon translator. “Then the day before the big title fight against Lt. Surge, I get slapped with Cut. I remember thinking ‘Cut? What am I a fuckin’ Oddish?’ but I was young back then so I shrugged it off.”

A longtime friend and confidant of the Hypno, a level 87 Blastoise, maintains the Pokémon got a raw deal from their trainer.

“Hypno still kept his chin up after getting assigned Strength,” the Blastoise said. “But when they replaced Hypnosis with Flash? Hoo boy, he lost it. Flash is totally useless, there is no way around that. A part of him broke that day, a part that could never be repaired. Not even with a Full Revive.”

The Hypno reportedly choked back tears as he watched yet another major gym battle from the sidelines.

“I get that everybody’s gotta do their part for the team, but I don’t get any action anymore. Not even the odd Tentacruel to spar with,” said an emotional Hypno as he fiddled with his now-useless pendulum.

Pokémon specialist Professor Samual Oak has long advocated for the fair treatment of Pokémon.

“Pokémon are simple, but fierce creatures. They need constant stimulation and to deprive one completely of combat to serve as an HM donkey is highly unethical,” said Professor Oak. “It’s like putting an animal in a zoo, dressing it in a suit and making it work a soul crushing 9-5.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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