Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Zoo Opens New Enclosure for Endangered White Male

Posted on September 12, 2019 by CJ Hernandez

DUKESBURG, Ala. — In a press release on Monday morning, the Dukesburg Zoo announced they will be opening a brand new enclosure for the rare and endangered white male.

“We’re proud to be on the forefront of this critical conservation effort,” read the press release. “Over the past decade, representation of white males as the main characters in popular media has plummeted from 97% all the way down to a dangerously-low 92%. The majestic white male once proudly roamed free among our television screens, but now political climate change threatens to wipe them out entirely. Our ‘Protected Zone’ for white males will help ensure they can survive and thrive for years to come.”

The new enclosure is set to open later this month and will house five white males that were rescued from the wild.

“Brendan’s a sweetie,” said one zookeeper, during a press tour of the unopened exhibit. “He used to be a VP of Marketing until he was fired for sexual harassment in the workplace, the poor thing. Thankfully we were able to nurse him back to health with a steady diet of angry video essays and Jordan Peterson lectures, and he’s doing great!”

“This little fella is named Kyle,” they continued, “Kyle was brutally attacked on Twitter just for telling the truth. I’m amazed that he survived the attempted cancellation. Now he’s healthy and happy in our enclosure, able to say anything he wants without the fear of facing consequences for his behavior.”

The enclosure has been carefully designed to ensure the comfort of the white males living there, and will include a 60-inch television that will exclusively air the 21 Marvel movies that don’t have Brie Larson in them.

Dukesburg Zoo officials have high hopes for the future of the exhibit, and have proposed efforts to get the white males to breed in captivity as soon as early next year.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Girlfriend Finally Uses Acting MFA Pretending to Hear Fidlar Song for First Time

Posted on September 12, 2019 by Rachel Clayton

ST. AUGUSTINE, Fla. — Local punk and professionally-trained thespian Eva Rosenthal finally got to put her MFA in acting to good use yesterday when her boyfriend played for her a Fidlar song she’s already heard eight times, satisfied sources report.

“At the conservatory, they taught us that every moment is a chance to shine,” explained Rosenthal. “So instead of pointing out that I’d shown him ‘Cocaine’ a year ago because Nick Offerman’s dick is in the music video, I chose to turn a shitty boyfriend moment into ‘my’ moment. Stella Adler would be proud.”

Rosenthal allegedly considered setting up a camera to tape her performance for future acting submissions, but didn’t have time as her boyfriend immediately played the song and waved around a Fidlar shirt Rosenthal bought for herself four months prior.

“When [boyfriend] Pat [Guiterrez] yelled over the song to tell the same joke he always does — that the song will ‘blow my mind, because it’s about blow’ — I knew I couldn’t laugh genuinely unless I used Stainslavski’s emotional recall technique to remember a time in the past I heard something that was actually funny,” Rosenthal said. “I reached deep into my past and thought about the vine where the girl keeps saying, ‘I smell like beef!’ Gets me every time.”

As the song played, the stakes heightened when her unwitting scene partner directly engaged Rosenthal by saying, “Listen! Listen! This part fucking rules.” Fortunately, Rosenthal drew on the Meisner method of repetition, a technique where actors repeat the same phrase over and over to focus on listening to the emphasis.

“I heard both of them yelling, ‘This part fucking rules! This part fucking rules! This part fucking rules!’ over and over again,” reported roommate Dan Haugen. “Later, I heard her ask Pat if he could sense the emotions behind the words when she was repeating the phrase… and he guessed the emotion was ‘loud.’”

At press time, Rosenthal was recovering from two sprained wrists after attempting Chekov’s psycho-physical technique of connecting to a moment with physical action and air-guitaring too enthusiastically.

New Study by Mom Confirms Video Game Slowing Down Computer

Posted on September 11, 2019 by CJ Hernandez

YOUR HOME — A new study, published in an all-caps text from your mother this morning, has confirmed that one of your little Nintendo games is slowing down the family computer. The research found that the shared computer, which has some game called “Steam” installed, is much slower than Deborah’s brand new MacBook which does not have this “Steam” thing on it.

“PLEASE DO NOT INSTALL VIDEO GAMES WITHOUT PERMISSION…” the abstract reads. “IT IS SLOWING DOWN THE COMPUTER… ALSO DID YOU HEAR ABOUT JEFFREY EPSTEIN?”

The study had a sample size of two computers and was peer-reviewed by your mother’s friend, and co-investigator, Deborah. Researchers first ruled out the possibility of the slow-down being caused by a virus, as there were over three antivirus free trials active during the tests. They then determined that the five toolbars in Internet Explorer were uninvolved, because they’ve always been there. With all other variables either accounted for or intentionally ignored, the researchers concluded that the slow-down was undeniably caused by one of your silly games.

“Everything just takes too long!” your mother said in an interview, as she scanned through a desktop full of JPEGs to find the Internet Explorer icon. “These games are the only explanation!” She then typed in “google” into the Yahoo Search Bar included on the third toolbar from the top, typed Facebook into Google, and proceeded to log into Facebook using the username and password located on a sticky note next to the keyboard.

“I’m telling you, you’ve got to get a Mac!” said Deborah, as she used her $1,500 laptop to scroll through Pinterest. “You get what you pay for!”

Your mother has since dragged the Steam shortcut into the Recycling Bin, and now believes that the computer is faster. Deborah is reportedly considering a companion study that will examine the relationship between what that nice Indian man said on the phone and the recent suspicious charges on her credit card.

Your father could not be reached for comment, or for anything else.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

New “Female Section” of Guitar Center Filled With Only Basses

Posted on September 11, 2019 by Anna Walsh

SAN ANTONIO — Local Guitar Center shoppers found today an entirely new section at the store labeled the “Female Section,” which was filled only with bass guitars, according to multiple sources.

“We at Guitar Center are proud to announce our newest inclusivity initiative: the ‘Female Section.’ Here, ladies will be able to browse top-of-the-line basses to their hearts’ content without the distraction of a bunch of instruments they don’t play and probably can’t identify,” publicist Jeffrey Redicci wrote in an official press release. “Equality is our top priority. Since we’re basically the only mass-market music store in the country, the new ‘Female Section’ is the benchmark of progress for our industry.”

Guitar Center employees around the country have reportedly embraced the directive from corporate, prompting a fair amount of confusion from customers.

“I found one gal when she walked in, and as a purveyor of perfect customer service, immediately directed her to our ‘Female Section.’ And she made this hilarious joke that she’s actually a sax player! Good stuff,” local assistant manager Tyler Cruz remarked. “A dude actually wandered in there because he was a bass player, but then I explained we have a separate section for real bassists, and he totally got it.”

However, femme musicians were understandably upset by the latest rearranging of their local Guitar Centers.

“It’s ridiculous to act like men can play any instrument. I saw a guy truly struggling to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ — which he still insisted on trying to play on a guitar, a mandolin, and two banjos, for some reason,” shopper Alanna Goldberg explained. “When I successfully snuck into the percussion section, an army of Guitar Center guys in those fucking polos came running over looking terrified. I guess this is what I get for not shopping independent.”

At press time, Live Nation was considering a similar initiative that would corral “hysterical girls” in a back corner at shows played by all-male or all-male-except-the-bass-player bands.

Report: This Guy’s Hugs Last Too Long

Posted on September 11, 2019 by Taylor Roebuck

DETROIT — Local punk Leslie Knight is currently trapped in what she thought was going to be a friendly “hello” with a guy whose hug is lasting an uncomfortably long time, according to multiple eyewitnesses.

“I’ve tried all the basics — I did the three-pat thing, where I signaled the end of the hug with a few taps on his back,” said Knight. “And then I did the obvious pulling-my-neck-away to sort of pry myself out of the hug… but he just yanked me right back into his vice-like grip. My neck is starting to cramp. I think I’m getting dehydrated.”

Witnesses confirm the hug everyone can clearly see should’ve been over one second after it began still isn’t, for some reason.

“You could tell as soon as he opened his arms wide for a hug that she just wasn’t into it,” said David Warden, the door guy at The Whiskey Dick. “The weird thing was, he gave her boyfriend a handshake. Why do dudes do shit like that?”

Behavioral psychologist Nicolette Orbison offered some insight into why one may act this way.

“Well, Freud would have you think this fella really wants to boff his mom,” said Orbison. “I don’t subscribe to Freud’s thinking so much, personally. Of course, the field of psychology still has only a loose understanding of what drives a person to this — there are many mysteries still yet to be uncovered. Schooling aside, If I’m speaking candidly, I think he’s probably just a creepy weirdo.”

Many local women attest this isn’t the first offense from hugger Chad Baker.

“Oh, gosh, that guy? I once missed all of the opening bands at a concert because I bumped into him at the venue’s entrance,” said Wayne County resident Allie Lehrman. “Now whenever I see him somewhere, I just pick up everything in sight. Can’t trap me in a hug if my hands are full of a buncha shit.”

At press time, the local fire department was entering The Whiskey Dick to utilize the jaws of life to free Knight from the hug just as Baker’s hand found a resting spot on Knight’s lower back.

5 Fun Things to Do in a Crowded Bar Instead of Putting Your Fucking Hand on My Lower Back

Posted on September 11, 2019 by Heather Cook

Remarkable! Men never touch other men when they are navigating through a crowded bar, but if there’s a woman in the way, there’s no chance they’ll get past her unless they touch her lower back. Fishy stuff, right? This comes as a HUGE surprise to most men, but us women actually don’t enjoy being touched without consent! However, we don’t want to ruin your Bros-Night-Out with some boring feminist perspective, so we’re offering some alternative ways to have fun at the bar while keeping your fucking hands to yourself.
Here are five other things you can do with your hands in a crowded bar instead of putting them on my lower back.

Throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care.

Talk about a ‘90s throwback! If your hands are in the air, then they’re not touching a woman’s body! You get to dance while keeping your paws off us? A win for everyone. Make that DJ blast some Sum 41 so you can “ironically” fist pump your hands high above your head… where we can see them. Both of them.

2. Practice your best T-Rex impression.

Rawr! Keep those tiny T-Rex hands close to your chest and far from our skin! If you get hungry don’t worry — we’ll be happy to throw all sorts of hot food and drinks at your face from a safe distance. Fun!

3. Swing from a chandelier.

Are you in one of those swanky 1920’s-poet-themed bars that have suspender-wearing bartenders with names like Finneas and antique chandeliers on the ceiling? Perfect! After you order some barrel-aged whiskey you’ll definitely not hesitate to teach me the origins of whether I give a shit or not, channel your inner Sia and swing from the chandelier so your hands will be nowhere near our lower backs.

4. Wear a straight jacket.

Need a hot new look? Try a straight jacket. It’s an edgy conversation-starter that you can probably sew patches onto and you won’t even have the option to invade our space, you disgusting piece of shit!

5. Handcuff yourself to the urinal.

Think you won’t be able to control your hands even after all these great suggestions? Then, handcuff yourself to the urinal so you’re stuck in one place. Women will come take turns punching you in the face. One punch for each time you ever put your hand on a woman without asking first. By the end of the punching session, you’ll be dead. Good fucking riddance. So simple!

Actress Loses 50 Pounds for Role in Entertainment Industry

Posted on September 11, 2019 by Ella Gale

LOS ANGELES — Following in the footsteps of Joaquin Phoenix, who lost a grueling 52 pounds to play Joker, LA-based actress Shivani Roche dropped almost 50 pounds to lock down a role of any kind in Hollywood.

Industry insiders, who called Phoenix’s performance “haunting” and “iconic” described the slimmed-down 5’11” Roche as “castable.”

“25 pounds would have been enough if she only wanted to be a writer, but now she has a real shot at landing a few lines,” said Roche’s agent Martha Coleman. “Ya know, until she turns 30.”

Roche hopes that her 50 pound weight loss will pay off.

“I mean, I’m sure it was hard for Joaquin Phoenix to lose weight for a few months during a demanding shooting schedule. But I’ve kept it off for three years,” she said, gnawing on the corner of a screenplay in which the only female character is described as a “top-heavy blonde with weightless bones.”

“People keep telling me I look healthy,” said Roche, who does not eat solid food and no longer gets her period.

When asked what Roche thinks of Phoenix’s performance in The Joker, her tone started to shift.

“He said losing 50 pounds can make you go mad. What a luxury. I’d love to go mad,” Roche exclaimed. “I’m too busy to go mad. I have a yogurt commercial audition to get to. Do you think they’ll make me actually eat the yogurt?” she asked, scheduling an extra SoulCycle class just in case.

According to Hollywood buzz, while Phoenix is in line for an Oscar nomination, Roche is reportedly being considered for “several wife and secretary roles.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Woman’s Entire Workout Regimen Squatting Over Venue Toilets

Posted on September 11, 2019 by Sammi Skolmoski

CHICAGO — Scene regular Claire Collins quit her gym membership today, shifting her entire workout regimen to squatting over disgusting toilets at local venues, curious sources report.

“I’ve heard a lot about high-intensity interval training, and I realized that’s exactly what I’ve been doing over shit and piss-covered toilets for years,” Collins said. “Right now, I’m only able to get to an average of three shows a week, so it’s important to maximize my exertion in the time allotted — which I easily do in the 60 seconds I rush to use the bathroom.”

What started solely as a basic squat hold has evolved into a full-body workout, complete with exercises ranging from lateral leg raises to flush toilet handles with her shoe, to dynamic bicep curls to keep her bag from touching grimy floors.

“Broken locks are my favorite,” she said. “They force me to engage my entire core and arm to reach the door and hold it shut as I squat over the toilet. My heart rate is maximized with the added adrenaline rush that someone might burst in.”

Collins, while proud of her progress thus far, is ramping up her training schedule to use venue bathrooms at a “Crossfit-caliber” level — with help from an unlikely source.

“I thought she was going to complain about the condition of the bathrooms, but then she said she’s focusing too much on her legs and is looking for a more well-rounded workout,” said venue doorman and janitor Lance Griggs. “We got ‘show’ muscles, and we got ‘go’ muscles, and nothing trains hamstrings like standing on your toes to step around a moat of hot puke.”

Determined to help Collins achieve her fitness goals, Griggs has started incrementally removing the bathroom’s conveniences so she doesn’t plateau.

“This thin layer of soap makes it look like some will come out if she pumps it real hard for a while,” Griggs said. “It won’t, though, but you only build muscle when you push until you physically can’t do another rep, so her forearms are gonna make people believe she’s a goddamn drummer before fall is over.”

At press time, Collins asked a friend to spot her in the stall, where Collins had balanced a drink on the toilet paper holder from falling as she attempted to tuck her shirt in inside the two-inch space.

KFC Expands From Poorly Paying Fast Food Employees to Poorly Paying Game Devs

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Fast food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced today they were expanding their business from not treating employees well in the restaurant industry to not treating employees well in the video game industry with their new dating sim I Love You, Colonel Sanders.

“I was walking around one of our franchise locations the other day and said out loud, ‘what is it that our company does best and how can we magnify that?’ One of the frycooks, in response, fainted on the spot. And that’s when it hit me,” said KFC CEO Roger Eaton at a press conference this morning. “For many years, we have looked to McDonald’s and Wendy’s as the titans of our industry and examples to follow, but only then did I realize that we should really be looking to the brilliant work of Rockstar Games and Riot Games.

“Fast food companies do what they can, but when it comes to sucking every last dollar out of your employees sharing none of the work, no one is innovating quite like the video game companies.”

KFC employees, many of which have shifted from chicken locations to game development, have praised the new direction.

“Yeah, it sure is a lot of work being a KFC employee, and no, we don’t get paid very much at all,” said former shift-supervisor turned art director Clair Marsh. “But at the end of the day, there’s nothing I love more than furthering profits for my boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss.”

Reports indicate that after completing the expansion into video games, Eaton saw footage of an NFL player being carted off the field and had a bright idea for another new direction.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Festival Flyer Reads “All Female” Instead of Band’s Name

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Anna Walsh

NEW ORLEANS — Local band Missing Feed was listed under the name “All Female” on the official flyer for this year’s Storyville Fest, much to the band’s disdain and frustration.

“We told them our name like, 30 times — we had to fill out multiple forms using it. I think we even sent in our own art for the flyer. I don’t know how they fucked this up so bad,” said Missing Feed drummer Elsie Hernandez. “I’m worried about who they’re going to make the check out to… if they even plan on paying us. I really don’t know at this point.”

Missing Feed didn’t seem to be the only band misnamed on the flyer, which included groups like “Bassist Is A Girl,” “2 Chicks Singing,” and “Sisters?” which festival officials allegedly did not find strange.

“When the flyer came out, they called me, whining about some name their band suddenly had. Typical girls. Honestly, they should be thankful I even put them on the flyer — I’d never heard of them. I assumed it was one of those comedy bands or something, like Jack Black,” said festival promoter Ralphie Marsh. “I mean, five girls in one band? How many keyboardists can one group have, anyway?”

Marketing director Sandy Kirkenbaum seemed to echo Marsh’s sentiments.

“We want attendees to know what they’re getting,” he said. “If we didn’t explain that the band is all-female in advance, people might show up thinking a regular band was going to play. That would be false advertising, and I’m pretty sure that’s illegal,” said Kirkenbaum.

Missing Feed’s mis-named listing has led to confusion amongst fans and festival attendees alike.

“[Hernandez] called to tell me [Missing Feed] were playing, but I didn’t see them on the flyer. And I’m bummed, because they’re one of the best bands around — they have a huge following. Maybe they cancelled,” friend and super-fan Sean Larson said. “I’m excited to see this new band All Female, though. They sound good. Really cool name.”

At press time, Missing Feed could not access the backstage area, which was blocked by other female musicians being denied entry and told that “the bathroom is that way.”

Photo by Mirinda Moriarty.

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