Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Scientists Predict Rising Sea Levels Will Create Unbearable Indie Scene in Bakersfield by 2025

Posted on September 14, 2019 by Claire Brown

BERKELEY, Calif. — Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley published a study today claiming that rising sea levels, if left unmitigated, could give way to an unbearable indie scene in Bakersfield, Calif. as soon as 2025.

“This should be a wake up call to everyone,” said Rebecca Isley, the lead researcher for the study. “Entire cities could be underwater by then, bringing the ocean closer to Bakersfield and turning it into a haven for rich teenagers ripping off Mac DeMarco. The lifespan of shoegaze bands will drastically shorten, while reverb pedal sales will skyrocket. We’re talking about permanent damage to the environment and the working class pride of inland Californians.”

Self-proclaimed “indiehead” Alex Fyodorov is already planning for the future due to the report.

“I’ve been living in L.A., and it’s really hard, man. You have to pay bills, and all this other shit that’s part of being an adult… like taxes? What the fuck is that about? I’m writing a song about it, actually,” said Fyodorov, lighting a Viceroy cigarette. “I’m moving to Bakersfield now so I can get a headstart on really gentrifying the place before the water brings all the BROCKHAMPTON clones over there.”

Some are skeptical of the study, however — such as climate change denier John Liverman, who isn’t worried about the possibility of a Bakersfield indie scene.

“I don’t see the problem here, honestly. Liberals will try to convince you to listen to their loud, skilless, obnoxious hardcore punk bands — like Stereolab, or whatever — which makes you hate corporations for ‘ruining the earth’ or something. And, before you know it, you’re a communist,” said Liverman, his face beet red. “Well, I think this Bakersfield conspiracy is nonsense. In fact, to support real Americans, I’m buying a Rex Orange County CD today. That’s right: a CD. Not some hipster vinyl bullshit.”

The report spelled out the possibility of far more drastic shifts in inland culture across the United States, including the stark reality of rap/country acts becoming the most prominent source of pop culture entertainment.

Squirt Emoji Just Piss Emoji

Posted on September 13, 2019 by Krissy Howard

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — Local man Jeff Debow mistook today what was sent as a pee emoji for “making this chick I met on Bumble literally squirt all over her damn phone, fuck dude, what can I say?” an oblivious source who is giving himself way too much credit confirmed.

“Aww, yeah — that’s what I’m talking about,” said an equally confident and clueless Debow of the water droplet emoji sent by local woman Trish Gonsalves. “J-Dog definitely knows what sets the ladies off, both in the bedroom and over the phone. I knew I took her all the way when she didn’t write me back for like, nine hours. Probably fell right asleep or something. What a freak.”

The allegedly suggestive emoji in question was apparently sent in a rush and without thinking by Gonsalves, who was on a bathroom break at work at the time.

“Oh, yeah… Jake or Josh or whatever,” she recalled. “He sends funny memes sometimes but we probably won’t meet up, honestly. Seems nice, though. He’s been sending a lot of heart-eyed emojis today.”

While the true meaning of squirt emojis remains widely debated, those closest to the situation can confirm that Debow definitely didn’t make someone “cum crazy hard” after sending his Bitmoji riding a rocket ship with the line “incoming.”

“I love Jeff, but honestly, he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to texting girls,” said friend and former roommate Jared Frasier. “It took me like, eight months to convince him that the ‘lol’ isn’t a giant pussy between two upside down legs, and it definitely doesn’t mean that anyone wants to do doggy style. Don’t even get me started on that emoji that’s blowing its nose.”

Despite the confirmation from Gonsalves, along with endless input from friends assuring him that “it’s just piss, dude… seriously,” Debow stands by his belief — both in the emoji’s meaning, and in his “legendary” orgasm-rendering abilities.

“Dude, trust me. It was definitely not just pee,” Debow explained. “How could it be pee if it wasn’t even yellow like how pee is yellow? I think I know the difference between squirt and piss — this was super liquidy and there was a lot of it.”

At press time, Debow conceded to the possibility that he didn’t somehow make a woman squirt via text message, adding that, “If she was peeing her pants, it was probably from laughing over something funny I said.”

We Reached Out to the Wrong Misfits So Here’s What the Rival Band from Jem and the Holograms Had to Say

Posted on September 13, 2019 by Scabby

With the Misfits on tour, we here at The Hard Times thought, “What better time to interview one of the most influential bands in punk?” Unfortunately, our lowly dirtbag intern accidentally put us in touch with The Misfits, the cartoon trio best known for being the rival band to Jem and the Holograms, and we couldn’t back out since the Skype call had already connected.

THE HARD TIMES: As long-time Fiend Club members, it’s so nice to sit down and talk with you! How’s the tour going?

PIZZAZZ: I mean, aside from trying to sell off our remaining dayglo spandex at Buffalo Exchange, we haven’t really been doing much since we got robbed at that bullshit Battle of the Bands back in ‘85. I spent a lot of sleepless nights blaming that damn applause-o-meter, but it really all came down to our shitty management, who got us in a major scene beef with some cool girls making music. Shoutout to the Starlight House crew, we don’t hold any grudges and we hope you don’t either!

THE HARD TIMES: Misfits aren’t just influential on musicians, but music culture too. What kinds of things influenced the band, aside from horror?

ROXY: I guess I’d have to give a lot of credit to colors, being mean, being bad, and winning.

THE HARD TIMES: You’ve had a lot of lineup changes over the years. How’s it feel to be back to just the three of you?

STORMER: Well, it’d be hard to dismiss our time with the additional members who helped shape the band over the years—even if the fans didn’t always love it—but the original The Misfits will always be me, Roxy, and Pizzazz.

THE HARD TIMES: So much has been said about you guys over the years. Is there anything people don’t know that you’d like to share?

ROXY: Well, what most people don’t know about us is that we actually coined the term “poser” after Clash dressed up like Jem and posed as her at several public events. She even tried pulling a ‘Single White Female’ and hooking up with Jem’s boyfriend or whatever, Rio, which was so fucking classic. We were eventually found out after someone ripped the alarmingly believable Jem mask off of Clash’s head, but she poured a lot of food on a lot of innocent people before that, so it worked out OK.

THE HARD TIMES: Anything else you’d like to leave our readers with before we sign off?

CLASH: Yeah, make sure you check your grammar when you Google us — there are a lot of hack bands out there getting clout off our names.

Modern Day Indiana Jones Narrowly Escapes Website After Accidentally Clicking Fake ‘Download’ Button

Posted on September 13, 2019 by CJ Hernandez

INDIANAPOLIS — Shortly after discovering the historic site which was perfectly preserved beneath 12 pages of Google search results, ROM Archaeologist GBoyy87 narrowly escaped with his computer intact last week after attempting to retrieve a copy of Mother 3 from an ancient Russian ROM site.

“Ads… Why did it have to be ads!?” said GBoyy87, armed with nothing but a pop-up blocker and a VPN as he carefully ducked beneath four auto-playing videos, two display ads, and an alluring flash game advertisement promising to make you cum instantly.

Being an experienced ROM hunter, GBoyy87 knew that the file would be hiding near the bottom as a plain blue hyperlink that said “Download.” Ignoring the flashy distractions, he slowly and carefully moved his cursor to click the link.

Unfortunately, at the very last second, sources said that a large pop-up ad for hot singles in his area finished loading, shifting the whole page downwards by five inches and forcing the cursor to click the largest and gaudiest button.

Those familiar with the situation said that although GBoyy87 tried to cancel the download of the file “Mother3_(USA)_DOWNLOADER.exe,” his path was blocked by dozens of popups that made it past his ineffective browser addon. Taking a leap of faith, GBoyy87 smashed the off switch on his surge protector, just barely in time to avoid certain hard drive death.

Following the close call, GBoyy87 was reportedly angry to have lost the chance to preserve the ROM, telling sources that the game belongs in a museum, or at least on the 3DS Virtual Console, or on a Switch re-release, or something.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Staunch Scene Supporter Draws Line at Dating Women In It

Posted on September 13, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Local hardcore kid and devoted scene-supporter Bryce Graves has officially drawn the line at dating women from within his DIY community, despite engaging in every other aspect of it, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“You don’t shit where you eat, so you shouldn’t jizz where you mosh. I believe in supporting the scene with everything I’ve got… but that doesn’t mean I want to sleep with it,” Graves said of the scene he pours his blood, sweat, tears, and vomit into, fully and aggressively, 24/7. “I mean, wouldn’t it be kinda weird to date someone from the same place that comprises 100 percent of my social life; is how I met all my friends, my roommates, my bands, and got several of my jobs; and is also where I buy all my clothes? I don’t wanna seem one dimensional or something.”

Fellow scene members had mixed feelings about Graves’ statement before ultimately dismissing it as “not super surprising for a dude, honestly.”

“I’ve seen him at every single show here since we were in high school, and he’s never brought a woman I recognize,” said Natalie Lobos, drummer for local band Cockjaw. “It doesn’t really bother me — it’s just weird. He once lectured me for a half hour because I brought a flask to a show instead of buying beer at the venue. But I bought the liquor next door… and he brought the intern at his dad’s marketing firm, whose main interest seems to be just going to Target. So who’s betraying the scene more?”

Self-proclaimed ally Leonard Finkle was particularly “outraged and offended” by Graves’ decision.

“It’s bullshit the way this guy refuses to support the beautiful, sexy ladies in our scene,” said Finkle. “He hosts a public access radio show called ‘Locals Only’ at 2 a.m. every single night, but he won’t spend at least some of those evenings with one of these smart, beautiful girls? It’s got me worried, I won’t lie — if a scene’s babes don’t feel respected, they’ll leave for a different scene. Or, worse, make their own.”

At press time, a recent hookup of Graves’ started coming to shows regularly on her own — a decision he’s supported by ignoring her completely and warning other scene guys to stay away from her, as she’s “crazy.”

Article by Lauren Lavín and Krissy Howard.

Beto Wears Bad Brains Tee at Debate to Impress Cory Booker

Posted on September 12, 2019 by James Knapp

HOUSTON, Tex. — Presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke arrived at the third Democratic primary debate today wearing a Bad Brains T-shirt in an obvious attempt to impress fellow candidate Cory Booker, uneasy sources confirmed.

“I’ve long been a fan of Bad Brains — they had a huge impact on my own music, not to mention bringing their ethics into my political career,” said O’Rourke. “I celebrate their entire catalog… especially their later reggae stuff. Hey, do you think Cory noticed the shirt? I mean, it doesn’t matter, he probably did. But really, what do you think?”

Senator Booker admitted he did notice the Texas Representative’s attire, but claimed to have no connection to the Washington, D.C. hardcore icons.

“It got pretty weird when he said, ‘I don’t want to go I against I,’ and then looked at me with this huge grin,” said Booker. “Is that a reference I’m supposed to understand? I don’t even know what Bed Brain or whatever is. But what I do know is that I want the American people to live in a country where they can feel proud to raise a family, and that is why I am here tonight.”

The debate moderators, however, were dismayed by O’Rourke’s tone-deaf pandering.

“We were deeply disappointed with Mr. O’Rourke’s shameless self-aggrandizing,” said ABC news correspondent Linsey Davis. “White dudes have been using Bad Brains to gain cheap cred and deny their own prejudices since before ‘Rock for Light’ came out. And that shirt looked brand new — I think, if Beto truly wants the highest office in the land, he’ll have to release receipts for his record collection to prove he actually listens to half the bands he talks about.”

When reached for further comment, O’Rourke was found wearing a Bikini Kill T-shirt and telling Elizabeth Warren he’s “totally down with the whole ‘chick power’ thing.”

Steve Rannazzisi Says He Was There When Daniel Johnston Recorded “Hi How Are You?’

Posted on September 12, 2019 by Alex Salcido

CHICAGO — Comedian and actor Steve Rannazzisi lent condolences to fans of beloved songwriter and visual artist Daniel Johnston, who died late Tuesday night of a heart attack at the age of 58, all the while hinting that he was present for the making of Johnston’s 1983 lo-fi cassette tape classic “Hi, How Are You?”

“I was six years old and living in Texas for the summer… Danny and I were neighbors,” said Rannazzisi in an interview with Chicago radio station KDVC. “The first words he ever said to me were “Hi, how are you? I’m Daniel, and I’m going to be famous.’ We became friends and I was in that basement when he recorded ‘Walking The Cow,’ ’Hey Joe,’ and ‘No More Pushing Joe Around.’”

The former “The League” star doubled down, claiming to have co-written a song with Johnston.

“Dan was having a rough day and I’d said to him something my grandfather said to me when we’d get emotional. I said ‘Get yourself together, or fall apart,’” the visibly shaken comic recalled. “He immediately pushed ‘record’ and sang that into the boombox. I said ‘That’s gonna be a good song,’ and he said ‘What do you mean? I just did it. There it is.’”

Rannazzisi then spoke on Johnston’s unlikely influence on modern music.

“I had no idea he’d ever get this far, but he did,” he said. “To me was just my weird neighbor who I became best friends and songwriting partners with. Two years later, he’s on MTV.”

The comedian’s claims were swiftly debunked after the lightest research.

“So, you were six years old and living in Texas, but you were just on a podcast saying you grew up exclusively in New York,” said Darren Royer, calling out Rannazzisi mid-interview. “Also, you were there for the summer and yet that album was recorded in September 1983?”

Rannazzisi stammered something about It being an “Indian summer” before folding and apologizing profusely.

Woman “Haha, Yeahs” Her Way Through 3-Day Music Festival

Posted on September 12, 2019 by Erin McLaughlin

TAOS, N.M. — Local woman Anne Naus was forced to “Haha, yeah” her way through a three-day alternative music festival this weekend to combat the men in attendance talking at her, pitying sources confirmed.

“At first, I tried to talk to them… but when the fifth guy interrupted me to explain the difference between a British IPA and a New England Style IPA, I had no choice but to just say, ‘Haha, yeah,’ and nod and sort of zone out on my phone for the rest of the conversation,” said Naus. “I don’t even think he noticed, though, because he still went on a 10-minute ramble about why America needs Bernie in 2020.”

Fellow women in attendance empathized with Naus’ efforts to escape conversations with the “Haha, yeah” tactic.

“She made desperate eye contact with me from across the room a few times, but I didn’t want to get roped into any conversation about Tame Impala’s ‘old stuff’ either,” said concert-goer Allie DePinto. “I definitely considered offering her refuge in my tent, though. Maybe next time.”

After 42 hours, the men’s blatant lack of self-awareness forced Naus to disconnect herself from her surroundings.

“I turned on autopilot the moment that I heard Joe Rogan’s name,” said Naus. “Thinking about it, though, one guy might’ve asked me if I saw where his kid went, but I couldn’t risk another man telling me to listen to Pile.”

Reportedly, Naus’ defense mechanism began to turn to habit following three days of “Haha, yeah”-ing boring, narcissistic men.

“I told her that her nachos came to $4.75, and she just said, ‘Haha, yeah,’ as she stared cross-eyed into the distance with a glazed look over her face,” said food truck vendor Kyle Wilson. “Then she handed me the money and walked away without even taking the nachos. I wonder what her damage was.”

At press time, Naus was brainstorming more nuanced conversational escape methods for her next concert, after saying “Haha, yeah” to a guy for over an hour led to her backing up slowly over a low cliff.

Photo by Mirinda Moriarty.

Visit to Childhood Bedroom Reveals More Involved Ska Phase Than Girlfriend Led On

Posted on September 12, 2019 by Krissy Howard

GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — A visit to Carrie Choi’s childhood bedroom last week revealed a way more involved ska phase than she initially led her girlfriend to believe, according to sources who sort of don’t really know if they can look at Choi the same way ever again.

“I mean… she made it sound like she kind of liked a couple No Doubt songs when that shit was all over the radio, but there are some really deep references up all over this room,” said Choi’s girlfriend of three years, Laurie DiStefano. “She had Pietasters ticket stubs tacked up on the headboard of her bed, and when I looked in her closet I found a Big D and the Kids Table shirt that looks like it was handmade with a stencil. This is way more than a casual phase — these are tell tale signs of a serious fanhood.”

“What else don’t I know about this person?” she added.

Choi’s ex from high school confirmed her “full blown” ska phase, which he hopes she’s been able to leave in the past.

“Yeah, it started out as a bit of fun, watching Goldfinger videos after school and whatnot. But it didn’t take long before we were really deep into that shit — checkerboard belts, trumpet lessons, those little hats… it was a pretty dark time in my life. I don’t like to think about it too much,” said former ska fan and current shoegaze band frontman, Danny Hunter. “Since then, I’ve made some big lifestyle changes, and I hope she has, too. Life is just too short to be dancing around to upbeat music and having fun.”

However, when confronted about her ska fandom, Choi looked back on that time of her life fondly and with a sense of humor.

“Listen, every kid goes through an embarrassing phase of their life, and I can laugh about it now,” Choi said. “I mean, what ’90s girl wasn’t super into Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and didn’t run away from home at 15 to try to find and marry Fishbone with nothing more than a backpack full of Mighty Mighty Bosstones bobble head dolls? Super cringe!”

At press time, Choi was locked inside her parent’s bathroom snorting fat rails of OxyContin off of an old Catch 22 CD case.

I Don’t Know How to Tell My Coworkers I’m Not Really into Ted Bundy

Posted on September 12, 2019 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

Back in the Spring, when everyone had Ted Bundy Fever, I had just started working at this new office. I really wanted to fit in, and everyone was super into true crime stuff. I didn’t have time to sit and listen to a podcast about semen samples and body temperatures, but I desperately wanted to fit in. So I just started saying that I was into crime things.

When my boss Lauren mentioned the Ted Bundy doc, and showed me a picture of Zac Efron I blurted, “Oh, I love that guy!” Big mistake. Now, I can’t get through one budget meeting without the whole thing turning into a giggle-fest over who would get killed by Teddy the hardest.

I do my best to keep up, but I fear that I’m in too deep now, and I don’t know how to tell my coworkers I’m not really into Ted Bundy.

Sure, I’ll linger over by the water cooler and ponder over all the different ways a violent sociopath brutally raped and murdered a bunch of innocent women and is somehow still being admired despite that, but I’m just going through the motions. My heart’s definitely not in it.

Now I’m doomed to sitting through happy hours with the girls from accounting where we just dish about the types of hotties who decapitate women and fuck their rotting bodies and also have a pretty nice set of straight teeth, I guess.

Plus, Ted Bundy is the basic bitch of murderers. OJ was way hotter and he has over 880k followers and he doesn’t even have a blue check mark.

I like bat-shit assertive men as much as the next woman, but at least Ted Kaczynski went to Harvard so you could talk to him about Beowulf and stuff. These people don’t get me.

If you’re going to be into serial killers at least be into ones who aren’t going to kill you, like Eric Rudolph, who sent pipe bombs to abortion clinics. Seriously, watch his episode of Unsolved Mysteries. When the FBI finally found him in the woods of North Carolina he looked like he just stepped out of hair and makeup.

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