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Squirt Emoji Just Piss Emoji

TWIN FALLS, Idaho — Local man Jeff Debow mistook today what was sent as a pee emoji for “making this chick I met on Bumble literally squirt all over her damn phone, fuck dude, what can I say?” an oblivious source who is giving himself way too much credit confirmed.

“Aww, yeah — that’s what I’m talking about,” said an equally confident and clueless Debow of the water droplet emoji sent by local woman Trish Gonsalves. “J-Dog definitely knows what sets the ladies off, both in the bedroom and over the phone. I knew I took her all the way when she didn’t write me back for like, nine hours. Probably fell right asleep or something. What a freak.”

The allegedly suggestive emoji in question was apparently sent in a rush and without thinking by Gonsalves, who was on a bathroom break at work at the time.

“Oh, yeah… Jake or Josh or whatever,” she recalled. “He sends funny memes sometimes but we probably won’t meet up, honestly. Seems nice, though. He’s been sending a lot of heart-eyed emojis today.”

While the true meaning of squirt emojis remains widely debated, those closest to the situation can confirm that Debow definitely didn’t make someone “cum crazy hard” after sending his Bitmoji riding a rocket ship with the line “incoming.”

“I love Jeff, but honestly, he’s a fucking idiot when it comes to texting girls,” said friend and former roommate Jared Frasier. “It took me like, eight months to convince him that the ‘lol’ isn’t a giant pussy between two upside down legs, and it definitely doesn’t mean that anyone wants to do doggy style. Don’t even get me started on that emoji that’s blowing its nose.”

Despite the confirmation from Gonsalves, along with endless input from friends assuring him that “it’s just piss, dude… seriously,” Debow stands by his belief — both in the emoji’s meaning, and in his “legendary” orgasm-rendering abilities.

“Dude, trust me. It was definitely not just pee,” Debow explained. “How could it be pee if it wasn’t even yellow like how pee is yellow? I think I know the difference between squirt and piss — this was super liquidy and there was a lot of it.”

At press time, Debow conceded to the possibility that he didn’t somehow make a woman squirt via text message, adding that, “If she was peeing her pants, it was probably from laughing over something funny I said.”