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5 Fun Things to Do in a Crowded Bar Instead of Putting Your Fucking Hand on My Lower Back

Remarkable! Men never touch other men when they are navigating through a crowded bar, but if there’s a woman in the way, there’s no chance they’ll get past her unless they touch her lower back. Fishy stuff, right? This comes as a HUGE surprise to most men, but us women actually don’t enjoy being touched without consent! However, we don’t want to ruin your Bros-Night-Out with some boring feminist perspective, so we’re offering some alternative ways to have fun at the bar while keeping your fucking hands to yourself.
Here are five other things you can do with your hands in a crowded bar instead of putting them on my lower back.

  1. Throw your hands in the air and wave ‘em like you just don’t care.

Talk about a ‘90s throwback! If your hands are in the air, then they’re not touching a woman’s body! You get to dance while keeping your paws off us? A win for everyone. Make that DJ blast some Sum 41 so you can “ironically” fist pump your hands high above your head… where we can see them. Both of them.

2. Practice your best T-Rex impression.

Rawr! Keep those tiny T-Rex hands close to your chest and far from our skin! If you get hungry don’t worry — we’ll be happy to throw all sorts of hot food and drinks at your face from a safe distance. Fun!

3. Swing from a chandelier.

Are you in one of those swanky 1920’s-poet-themed bars that have suspender-wearing bartenders with names like Finneas and antique chandeliers on the ceiling? Perfect! After you order some barrel-aged whiskey you’ll definitely not hesitate to teach me the origins of whether I give a shit or not, channel your inner Sia and swing from the chandelier so your hands will be nowhere near our lower backs.

4. Wear a straight jacket.

Need a hot new look? Try a straight jacket. It’s an edgy conversation-starter that you can probably sew patches onto and you won’t even have the option to invade our space, you disgusting piece of shit!

5. Handcuff yourself to the urinal.

Think you won’t be able to control your hands even after all these great suggestions? Then, handcuff yourself to the urinal so you’re stuck in one place. Women will come take turns punching you in the face. One punch for each time you ever put your hand on a woman without asking first. By the end of the punching session, you’ll be dead. Good fucking riddance. So simple!

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