Press "Enter" to skip to content
Pre-order the new Hard Times book for a chance to win!

Opinion: Could Somebody Please Explain the Difference Between Punk and Emo to Porn Sites?

Almost literally all of the information in the world is at our fingertips at any given moment and with it, almost literally all of the porn. Your specific sub-genre of choice that used to be found in one magazine will now kick back thirty pages of search results. Gone are the days of needing to pause your VHS of Return of the Living Dead at just the right full frontal graveyard moment just to get your trashy punk rocks off.

But with this rise in neon-haired video fornication, it’s become clear that the distinctions between different countercultures are not so clear to everybody. So could somebody please explain the difference between punk and emo to porn sites?

It’s an age old issue. Punks mistaken for goths mistaken for emos. The general population doesn’t know what you are and I blame Davey Havok for blurring those lines. But it’s a whole new set of problems when it infringes on my pornographic preferences.

There’s nothing worse than preparing for a frantic masturbation session set to “Tattooed Punk Chick Rides Hard” only to find that the tattoo reads “Sugar We’re Going Down”. Whoever titled that video had no clue what they were talking about, I know how “hard” one is “riding” is a subjective topic but this was not the coitus of anyone who’s ever lost a tooth in a pit or slept on a pile of PBR empties. It was the sex you have when you’re way too excited about that night’s Saves The Day show.

This is an injustice to punks and emo kids alike. Somewhere there’s gotta be some droopy banged sad boy looking to crank one out to excessive eyeliner who’s sick and tired of the girl seeming like she wants to reach through the screen and kick his ass for choosing The Black Parade as his jerk jam soundtrack. Well, at least emo kids have already fetishized rejection and disappointment.

Look, it’s not that I’m not happy about the wealth of Warped Tour wanking to be had in our modern times. I am happy. So happy that it makes me want to have an orgasm and I cannot do that until the adult film industry learns the difference between liberty spikes and anime bangs.

CLICK THE PHOTO AND PRE-ORDER OUR BOOK

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.