Intern to Earn Time-And-A-Half Experience on Labor Day

Posted on by Bobby Korec

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. — Newly hired intern Rebecca Boulanger will earn time-and-a-half experience for her work on Labor Day from her temporary employer Right Now Booking Agency, fellow employees confirmed.

“I just can’t believe how well they’ve been treating me,” Boulanger said, holding an empty coffee pot. “Not only am I getting time-and-a-half experience on a holiday where most people automatically get paid time off, but my boss said I could have whatever coffee is left at the end of the pot after he’s done drinking it. So far, he hasn’t left me any coffee, but the severe caffeine withdrawals are totally worth being able to write ‘office intern’ on my LinkedIn profile. I just wish he would call me by my name — not ‘intern,’ or ‘the kid.’”

Agency management provided the extra experience by assigning her 1.5 times more tasks than her normal load on the Labor Day holiday.

“Will the intern earn extra experience on Labor Day while I get rip-roaring drunk and tell inappropriate jokes at my sister’s barbeque? You bet your ass she will,” manager Jeremiah Willingsford noted. “The trick is to get your employees to believe their personal brand aligns with their job — then, you can get them to do pretty much anything. The intern loves music, so she shouldn’t mind working extra on a holiday to schedule bands for us. Isn’t that what Labor Day is all about? Being at the job you love?”

Capitalist labor experts agree that companies offering experience over monetary compensation is beneficial to potential employees, and even more so to business owners seeking to meet quarterly budgets.

“In this economy, we all know that real world experience is worth way more than actual legal tender,” free market expert Richard Alouetta said. “Most entry-level jobs require at least five years’ experience, and the only way to acquire that is to serve time at unpaid internships. In the old days, one internship was enough… but today, you should have at least five or six internships before you can expect to be paid a living wage. That’s capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Boulanger was subscribing to every productivity podcast she could find after her employers informed her that listening to them might possibly strengthen her chances of receiving part-time work from the booking agency on weekends.

Review: ‘Joker’ is a Dangerous Film That Will Incite Lonely White Men to Try Stand-Up Comedy

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Todd Phillips’ Joker is a beautifully directed yet haunted film about a disturbed man that I fear will inspire a generation of our nation’s most vulnerable to join together and try stand-up comedy for the first time.

While I cannot praise the terrific performance by Joaquin Phoenix enough, nor the beautiful imagery presented by Phillips, I fear that Phillips has not gone far enough to express his point of view and denounce the horrific acts of stand-up comedy in his newest movie. In fact, Joker doesn’t really have a point of view at all; Phillips simply lays the character out on the table for viewers to decide what is right and what is wrong.

Granted, most viewers will know what Arthur is doing in the film is wrong. From crafting a tight 5-minute act of jokes to going out and attending open mics, Joker presents one of the sickest portrayals of comic book villainy to date. Despite this, it is irresponsible to make a movie without explicitly stating that the acts we see Arthur perform (stand-up comedy) are not something to emulate. And as a result, there is absolutely no doubt that young impressionable minds — and let’s be real, I’m talking mostly about young, white men who spend their youth online — will be inspired to commit acts of comedy in the real world. 

Part of the problem is that Joker is the first major comic book film to focus exclusively on a villain. There’s no Batman, really, in Joker. There’s no foil for the audience to look to in order to see an opposing viewpoint to Arthur’s twisted ideology. In a movie like Avengers: Endgame, for example, we have characters like Captain America or Iron Man to explain to us clearly that Thanos is in the wrong. Similarly, in television shows like Maron, characters crop up in every single episode to tell the titular Marc Maron that he should not do stand-up comedy because it has a clear negative impact on his life.

Joker, however, tries to follow the footsteps of its (frankly, far more nuanced) predecessor, HBO’s Crashing. Crashing, like Joker, is a story starring a villain without a hero. But the difference between Crashing and Joker is that director Judd Apatow does a much, much better job of showing the audience that its main character Pete Holmes is absolutely wrong to be a comedian. There’s clear evidence in the show to prove that Pete Holmes, due to his life of comedy, is a sick and horrible person on a mission to make the world worse off. Had Phillips followed Apatow’s lead a bit more closely, Joker would be a better film with a much stronger point of view.

And so we ended up with a fairly toothless film about a sadistic comedy terrorist. If you’re a strong willed adult not easily swayed by media, I recommend you check out Joker. Phoenix’s performance is one of the most exciting I’ve seen in years and I think anyone who can should see it. But if you’re thinking about taking your impressionable children to see the film, make sure to have a conversation with them afterwards so that they know the stand-up comedians they see in the movie are not to be admired. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cutscene Would Make Great Video Game

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PHOENIX — Local gamer Taylor Jostad imagined what a wonderful video game the cutscenes from 2019’s Left Alive would make instead of the banal, monotonous drudgery of the actual gameplay.

“When the cutscenes first started I was like ‘oh my god what fluid action, I can’t wait until I get to actually play this.’ Then I kept waiting,” Jostad explained to a friend. “The actual game started and I kept having to monotonously escort people to shelters. Maybe the people making this game should have just made a movie.”

The open world map soon became a bone of contention among fans who had to spend half an hour sneaking around grey Eastern European bloc housing. When reached for comment, developer Square Enix seemed to not understand the issue.

“People don’t want to play a video game filled with crazy non-stop action. They want to arduously build unhelpful weapons from scrap-metal,” Square Enix President Yosuke Matsuda said. “They want unnecessary conversation in their gameplay and action in their cutscenes. At least that is what the focus groups of 45 year-old mothers with nothing better to do on a Tuesday afternoon told us.”

Left Alive programmers stated that the technology for a game that is as fun as its cutscenes just doesn’t exist yet. They hope that by the time Playstation 5 rolls around the ability to actually enjoy playing a video game as much as watching it might exist.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

13 Clips From Our Podcast ‘The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Show’

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

HEY PAISANOS! Two of our editors, Mark Roebuck and Jeremy Kaplowitz, have embarked on an incredibly stupid quest to watch and and discuss every single episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Along they way they’ve been joined by such lovely guests as The Completionist, Mike Drucker, Ashley Oh, the voice actor who played Toad, and more! Here are 13 of the funniest clips from the podcast thus far, each edited by Peter Kemme.

13. King Koopa’s Pasta Pit Scheme

12. Did Toad just shove a wrench down his pants?

11. Mario and Luigi breakdance with Shabba Doo

10. Is Air Bud a man trapped inside a dog’s body screaming for help?

9. Why does Ganon keep teleporting five feet away?

8. The Deeply Sad Mario Rap

7. Discussing Milli Vanilli with Mike Drucker

6. Rebooting the Super Show with Woolie Madden

5. Mark wouldn’t do well in prison

4. Ugly People Day with The Completionist

3. Discussing the bizarre Mario parody of Sherlock Holmes with Ashley Oh

2. Mario and Luigi make their way to Pasta Land, their Jonestown

1. Mark and Jeremy get red-spouted into only drinking boiling hot water

 

Friend Can’t Make It to This Mass Shooting, Will Definitely Be at the Next One

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

ODESSA, Texas — Local man Grant Hopkins informed his friend group today that he can’t make it to this mass shooting, but, statistically speaking, he will definitely be in attendance at the next one, sources within the clique report.

“I texted Grant that there were gunshots everywhere, and all he sent back was, ‘Can’t make it, plans tonight,’ with a sad face emoji,” reports Heather Coleman, a friend of Hopkins and a survivor of the latest mass shooting in the United States. “That’s so typical of Grant… but at least he’ll have a few more chances next week.”

Hopkins, who has a reputation of being notoriously flaky about attending events with friends, was insistent that he’ll make it up to them by showing up for at least one of the almost daily mass shootings in America throughout the rest of the year.

“Look, I try to be there for my friends whenever I can, but sometimes, life gets hectic,” Hopkins said via phone while driving to his local mall, which has seen two shootings in the last five years. “I know I miss out on important stuff sometimes, but the next time some sad white guy brings an assault weapon to a school, goddammit, I’ll be there.”

While Hopkins’ friends remain skeptical he’ll actually show up, local university statistician Angela Ribero believes that, given the national climate on guns and radical violence, Hopkins is all but guaranteed to be involved in an upcoming shooting.

“Given the current trend, Mr. Hopkins has better odds of public massacre than he does of being in a car accident, choking to death, or complications from the flu,” said Ribero. “Since he’s a frequent visitor of schools, churches, malls, bars, nightclubs, Wal-Marts, video game tournaments, movie theaters, food festivals, and simply leaving his house in general, Grant is all but guaranteed to be murdered by a gunman who’s been radicalized by our own president. It’s really only a matter of time.”

Although it remains unclear when Hopkins will find himself under fire, he did click “Maybe” on the Facebook event page of a candlelight vigil for the victims of today’s shooting.

Mime Found Strangled to Death by Wireless Controller

Posted on by Collin Preciado

LINCOLN, Neb. — Police are investigating the death of local mime Jacques Francois after he was found strangled in his home by a wireless PlayStation controller.

“If anyone has any leads or information that could help lead us to a suspect in this gruesome crime, we ask that you come forward immediately,” said police Capt. Chuck Crittenden during a press conference about the investigation. “I understand that nobody in the mime community wants to talk, but if you saw something, you need to say something. Or, I don’t know, write it down?”

The death of Mr. Francois marks the fourth strangulation of a mime by means of a wireless controller this month. The pattern has raised questions about whether or not this trend marks the return of “The Silent Killer,” a long-dormant serial killer who terrorized the mime community for decades with a series of grisly murders that abruptly stopped in the late ‘80s. 

The killer was suspected to be Marcel Meutre, who died in a shootout with police.

“Zero chance. None,” Crittenden told reporters. “I finger-gunned that son of a bitch right between the eyes from point blank range. We even put him in two invisible boxes covered in chains when we buried him just to be sure he could never get out. The Silent Killer is dead. End of story”

However, experts in serial killer behavior claim the most recent pattern of slayings fits the Silent Killer’s modus operandi with a high degree of certainty.

“He kills mimes with invisible objects,” said Dr. Jillian Zhang, renowned scholar of The Silent Killer and author of Speak No Evil, the definitive book on the previous murders. “Pretty simple.”

Police are asking anyone with more information to come down to the station where they will have charades experts on hand to help interpret.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Mother Suspects High-Energy, Pain-Free Daughter Is Experimenting With CBD

Posted on by Edgar Towner

DENVER — Local mother Amanda Howard suspects that her daughter Heather is experimenting with the drug CBD, citing the teen’s suspicious increase in productivity, energy, and mood, neighborhood sources report.

“This isn’t the Heather I know,” the concerned mother explained. “She usually spends dinnertime complaining about joint pain and depression before sulking off to her room… but last night, she talked to me about her passions and future plans for an hour, and then suggested we go for a walk. Does she expect me to believe that she’s all of a sudden become a bright-eyed, optimistic, energetic teenager? No. It has to be drugs.”

“And listen, I’m not a helicopter parent,” she continued. “I experimented with drugs when I was a kid, too — patchouli, melatonin, green tea, you name it. But then my mother found out and whipped some sense into me, and now, I stick to wine and caffeine pills like a responsible adult. I just don’t want my daughter to make the same mistakes I did.”

In spite of her mother’s concern, Heather maintained her use of illicit herbal extracts is completely safe and reasonable.

“Mom is such a square sometimes,” said the 17-year-old. “I know she cares, but I just don’t see anything wrong with something that lets me kick back, zone out, and finally get an hour of non-addictive relief from the chronic, crippling pain I’ve had ever since the car accident. Besides, it’s just CBD! Which is, like, from a plant! All the cool kids are doing it. It’s not like I’m doing kombucha or anything dangerous like that.”

However, narcotics experts warn that stories like Heather’s are becoming increasingly common and often end in tragedy.

“CBD is what we in the field refer to as a ‘gateway supplement,’” said drug researcher Dr. Sumati Bhatta. “It starts out innocently enough, but before you know it, these kids end up strung out on essential oils or St. John’s wort — one day they’re normal, hopeless teenagers, and the next, they’re full of drive and vitality. It’s unnatural. Gone are the simple times when all we had to worry about was kids getting plastered in elementary school parking lots. These are dark days, indeed.”

At press time, Heather was seen sneaking out of her mother’s house to meet up with kids from the downtown school for a yoga session.

Opinion: No One From Boston Deserves a Parade

Posted on by Dan Rice

When a “Straight Pride Parade” in Boston was first proposed it made national headlines. Many consider the event to be nothing more than a sick sort of tongue in cheek smoke screen for hateful bigotry. Those opposed to the parade were quick to point out that it’s organizers had ties to the alt-right movement and the proud boys.

All of these people are missing the point. No one who chooses to live in the city of Boston, Massachusetts is entitled to a parade or encouragement of any kind, period.

Yes, the parade is a bad idea. Yes, it exists as nothing but a cruel fun-house mockery of an important movement whose goal is to end violence against gay people in the United States. But there is a much larger issue in play here. Boston sucks. Boston fucking sucks you guys.

Have you been to Boston? Happiness feels illegal there. It’s an entire city of people who are proud of being considered assholes. Bostonians don’t have an accent. What they have is a viral disease that travels through sound. They make fun of you for getting lost in a failed road system THEY BUILT!

I don’t care what your race, gender, sexual orientation or religious beliefs happen to be, there is no way anyone who chooses to spend time in the hellscape that is Boston Massachusetts deserves to be celebrated in any way shape or form.

The roads are awful, there’s nowhere to park, the winters are too cold, public transit is a nightmare, the people are dumb, everyone’s a racist, everyone’s a sexist, everyone’s a bigot, everyone like shitty music, everyone drives like a piece of shit, the Patriots fans are assholes, the Bruins fans are assholes, everyone thinks it’s ok to wear sweatpants all the time, the Celtics fans are assholes, the Red Sox fans are assholes, the Freedom Trail is a fucking joke, they’re drunk all the time, no one speaks English, it’s too fucking expensive, everything smells like piss, the pizza sucks, fuck em. Just, fuck them.

I can’t fucking wait to move out of Boston.

Frontman Clearly Working out Stand-Up Material Between Songs

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES— Evan Winter, longtime frontman of hardcore band Blank Slate, kept audiences engaged in between songs with stand-up bits he has long hoped to debut at a comedy open mic, sources close to the singer confirmed.

“Evan has always loved comedy. He keeps me up at night watching Netflix specials and repeating every joke right after the comedian says it. He always talks about wanting to ‘get up’ at this open mic night at a sleazy Thai restaurant by our apartment but then chickens out at the last minute,” said Veronica Felts, Winter’s longterm girlfriend from backstage at The Satellite. “I figured this show would be enough to get it out of his system, but I’m worried he thinks his material is doing well. This crowd is being very generous.”

Typically between-song banter is reserved for topics such as brotherhood, being outcasts, and ignorant anti-cop unity speeches that result in physical violence, but Winter used the time to talk about online dating, defecating in the shower, and smartphones.

“So what is the deal with smartphones anyway?” said a visibly shaking Winter through a wavering voice. “I feel like they actually make you dumber, maybe we should call them ‘dumb phones,’ am I right?”

Winter’s band quickly launched into songs after each failed attempt at something that resembled a punch line, often causing Winter to turn around and chastise the group for its impatience.

“Evan sort of started off slow, he was a bit nervous and clearly reading notes that he had written on his hands. Some of the premises seemed like they might be good, but his bit about how white people look when they mosh was a bit hacky,” said showgoer and amateur comedy critic Julie Wales.

Despite not having the best showing Winter remains optimistic about the future.

“Listen, that crowd just didn’t get me. Maybe I just got a bit too real for them and they couldn’t handle it. That sort of stuff happens all the time in comedy,” said Winter while changing his Facebook work history to include “Comedian at comedy.”

Travis Barker Asked to Just, Like, Play Regular for a Minute

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

LOS ANGELES — Superstar drummer Travis Barker received a special request yesterday to “just, like, play regular for a minute” during a recent Blink-182 recording session, sources annoyed with the constant displays of competence confirmed.

“It’s a simple pop-punk song — it really doesn’t need a million notes per second,” said an exasperated Mark Hoppus. “It’s so hard to play along to him when literally everything is syncopated. Where the hell is the downbeat, dude? These songs are all the same tempo, and the same couple chords… this should be really simple. I should be able to play this stuff in my sleep. But nooooo, he has to play some sort of polyrhythmic flamadiddlediddlediddlediddle with one hand, while the other is like, in a whole other time signature or something… all at a billion beats per minute.”

“Dude, calm down. It’s just Blink-182,” added Hoppus.

Alyssa Schlessinger, a rookie producer working with the band, was equally perturbed.

“Yeah… it’s hard to tell if takes are good. Like, was that supposed to be on the beat, or not? But it’s also hard to know what to mic, because he’s hitting literally every drum seemingly at random,” said Schlessinger. “It’s like trying to produce a band where every person is doing a shred solo simultaneously. It was fine back when it was just some intricate beats that were slightly irregular, but now it’s like he’s off the rails and trying to top himself every song.”

The longtime Blink drummer admitted he was confused and upset to hear people wanted him to calm down.

“This is like, my thing, ya know? I thought this was what they wanted,” said Barker. “No one listens to Blink for the lyrics, or melody, or whatever. Fans want me to blow their minds, and you guys need to just let me fly, man. I don’t tell Mark he should stop playing with a pick and use his fingers like a real bass player… and I don’t talk to the new guy at all. He creeps me out.”

After extensive arguing, Barker overruled the band and producer with his unbeatable band-debate maneuver, reminding them, “I almost died… twice!”

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