Stabbed, Uninsured Drummer Votes to Play Show in Canada ASAP

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Recently stabbed, profusely bleeding, and chronically uninsured drummer Tommy Rivera is insisting his band add at least one Canadian date to their upcoming tour before it’s too late, surprised sources confirmed.

“We were planning a mini-tour for the next few months… which, to be honest, calling it a tour at all is generous — it’s usually a few unambitious, shithole bars within 50 miles of our house. So imagine our surprise when Tommy, out of the blue, starts suggesting we play Toronto, Saskatoon, or ‘literally any place with universal healthcare,’” said guitarist Liv Rooney. “You should’ve seen him: clutching at his chest, wet shirt sticking to his body, dozing off mid-sentence. It was so strange. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

While some bandmates are completely unaware of Rivera’s stab wound, others, like bassist Francis Miller, downplayed Rivera’s injury.

“Considering how shitty his drumming has been lately, I’m not sure we should even give Tommy a vote here. I can’t remember the last time he played a full song without dropping his blood-soaked sticks, or getting thrown off tempo by a supposed auditory hallucination. Plus, that sucking sound coming from his stab wound has screwed up several recording sessions. Maybe he’s just not truly committed to this band,” said Miller. “I get it, someone knifed you. Well, I played a show last summer with a stye in my eye. Suck it up already.”

When reached, Rivera claimed to have a post-stabbing “moment of clarity” about his career choice.

“Maybe it’s the massive blood loss talking, or the fact that I haven’t had to urinate in six days, but I’m starting to realize that being a poor musician without health insurance is not worth it. Or at least, not worth it in America,” said Rivera. “To think, those lucky Canuck punks up there are picking fights left and right, practically begging to get shivved, knowing they won’t pay one cent for stitches and transfusions.”

After his tour suggestions were overruled by his bandmates, Rivera has been napping in the van for the past 23 hours, presumably resting up for the evening’s show.

Photo by Rick Homuth.

Folk-Punk Band Asks Neighbor Banging Broom on Ceiling to Join Group

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ROME, N.Y. — Local folk-punk band and inconsiderate neighbors Brewdog asked the old man who lives downstairs and banging on the ceiling with a broom to join their group, sleepless sources confirmed.

“We were working on this new song for a couple of hours one night, but it just wasn’t gelling. Suddenly, there was this loud, thudding bass drum sound coming from the floor. It was so raw, man — we didn’t question it, we just started jamming,” said Brewdog violinist Callan Markham. “We didn’t realize until after receiving a pissed-off phone call from old man Jonathan downstairs that he was the cacophonous, arrhythmic, musical genius.”

After “old man Jonathan” refused several invites to join Brewdog, guitarist Tommy Cruz devised a plan to make him an unintentional band member.

“We’ve completely upended practice to revolve around his schedule: basically, we only play when he’s trying to sleep, or right after his football team loses and he’s real ornery. We’re also going to record some demos at 3 a.m. next Tuesday, but please don’t tell him that,” said Cruz. “The tough part, of course, is trying to get him to the venue so he can play live with us. Most ideas we’ve come up with are basically considered class three felony kidnapping.”

Fellow musician Ozzy Whitehead recalled one recent show in which Brewdog successfully played with their “full lineup.”

“I was tuning my washtub bass when I noticed a trail of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ DVDs and Banquet frozen dinners leading from the venue door to the stage. Then, right as Brewdog was going up, this old man with a broom angrily marches in. His incoherent ranting and furious stomping really made the band’s set,” said Whitehead. “Those guys are lucky: all I’ve got is a teething 14-month-old below me. Maybe If I played metalcore or something it could work, but a screaming child doesn’t compliment my sound.”

Brewdog is reportedly considering adding a new unwitting member to the band, a woman known only as “screeching neighborhood lady that walks her cat on a leash.”

Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

CEDAR RAPIDS, Mich. — After months of deliberation during a contentious Democratic primary, voters are beginning to wonder whether a Normal-type Presidential candidate is even worth catching, according to a new CBS News/YouGov poll.

“Voters aren’t enthusiastic about catching Normal-type candidates because they lack super-effective policies,” explained FiveThirtyEight quantitative editor Laura Bronner. “Many think Normal-type candidates are a safe bet in the general against Donald Trump, a Fire-type, but unless the candidate knows any Fighting or Water-type moves, which is unlikely, there’s little evidence to support this. As people realize Normal-type candidates have no natural advantages over Fire-types, their enthusiasm will wane and the poll numbers will likely reflect this.”

Bolstered by name recognition and a perception of being safe, all-around choices, Normal-type candidates like Joe Biden and Pete Buttigieg have lost much of their lead in early battleground state polls.

“I was an early supporter of Joe Biden, and then I started looking more seriously at Buttigieg because he looked like he might have some cool evolutions when he gets older. I just thought catching a Normal-type candidate would be smart, you know? But as the caucus gets closer, I’m not sure what special moves these candidates offer,” said Iowa voter John Swain. “What are they going to do when they get in office? Rest? Tackle? Leer? Seems pointless.”

Representatives for the Buttigieg campaign defended the former mayor’s policies against the perception that his candidacy would not be very effective.

“Pete doesn’t make overblown promises that he’ll use a move like Hydro Pump to douse the fires started by this administration,” said Buttigieg spokeswoman Lis Smith. “Instead, Pete promises to use Helping Hand to boost folks on both sides of the aisle to bring this country back together.”

As Normal-type candidates stick to this moderate, bipartisan messaging, candidates of more advantageous types have gained momentum with help from bases fired-up at the prospect of their super-effective policies. 

“It’s time the 1% got a Wake-Up Slap,” said Sanders, before using Triple Kick on an unsuspecting Biden.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: Metallica’s New Stuff Is Underrated. Also, This Is a Robbery

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Having an appreciation for Metallica’s later work is like robbing a convenience store; most people look down on it, but the few that don’t find it very fulfilling. It’s a shame too, because I really do believe that like a fine chardonnay, Metallica’s discography only gets better with time. If you’ll listen, I’d love to explain to you why albums like “Death Magnetic” and “St. Anger” don’t deserve the hate they often get.

You really don’t have much of a choice though, because this is a fucking robbery.

Alright, motherfucker, start loading the cash into this bag. Oh man, “Load.” Now there’s a record. A real masterpiece. Kurt’s blistering solo on “2 X 4” is leagues better than anything off of “Ride the Lightning” or “Master of Puppets.” It’s also cool how the wall behind you is going to look like “Load’s” album cover if you don’t hurry the fuck up.

It bothers me when people say that the “Black Album” is better than “St. Anger.” Yeah sure the “Black Album” has “Enter Sandman,” but it also has “Nothing Else Matters,” a song so lame, boring and monotonous that it feels like a handjob from Andrew Llyod Weber. “St. Anger” was the only thing that kept Metallica from becoming the fucking Carpenters. You know what else bothers me? Sudden movements from cashiers I’m robbing.

I’m just going to say it; “Lulu” is Metallica’s best album. If you weren’t at gunpoint right now you’d probably be rolling your eyes, but hear me out. It’s not the sack of auditory smegma that people say it is. The lyrical artistry of Lou Reed combined with sonic perfection of early 00’s Metallica is as perfect a combination as peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs or your arms and those Nylon ties.

I think I hear cop sirens, so it’s time to wrap this up. Good thing my buddy out back has me covered with the getaway car. Speaking of covers, if you’ve got two hours to kill and want to hear Metallica cover a bunch of shitty, non-Metallica, bands then I’ve got two words for you; “Garage, Inc.”

REPORT: Massive Data Breach Impacts All 12 Super Horny Art Kids Still on Tumblr

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — A large-scale data breach of Tumblr’s current user base compromised the personal information of all 12 horny, artsy kids that for some reason didn’t yet move on to another microblogging site, tech experts/online perverts confirmed.

“Based on the size of this breach, conservative estimates show as many as a dozen Tumblr users were affected, with some experts believing the number may be as high as a baker’s dozen,” said cyber security professional Milton “Jonny” Barber. “Of course, after Tumblr banned porn it lost most of its users, aside from a bunch of artsy-fartsy dorks sharing unfunny web comics and poorly lit fashion pics. But still, a small number of geeky, pent-up hacking victims are still victims.”

One such victim was Tumblr user and formerly anonymous writer of online smut Eleanor Palmer.

“I found out about the data breach after a hacker contacted me via email. He wasn’t trying to blackmail me or anything, he just wanted to tell me that my secret, John Lennon and Paul Mccartney romance fan fic sucked and I was fucking loser,” said Palmer. “Honestly, I wish he had just stolen what little money I had in my PayPal account or something instead of laughing at my secret shame.”

The breach is just one disaster in a long line of shitstorms Tumblr and its users have had to navigate in recent years.

“I first thought Yahoo buying Tumblr was the end, because, you know, it’s Yahoo. Then it was sold to Verizon, and, yeah — those assholes screw me on my TV service, but at least they can run a business. Then ‘porn-a-geddon’ happened and it flipped the world upside down,” said Tumblr user Danielle Perkins. “Before that, Tumblr was like, the last safe place on the Internet: people could express themselves and be creative, and everyone was generally cool. But turns out the only reason everyone was so chill was because they were cumming to porn GIFs right before they wrote that supportive comment on your hacky photograph of a plastic bag in the wind.”

Legal experts believe that, due to the extent of the breach and Tumblr’s current valuation, victims could be awarded as much as $2.63.

If There Was a God, He Wouldn’t Have Let Me Get This P.O.D. Tattoo

Posted on by Shea Strauss

I used to be a God-fearing man. A real fire-and-brimstone buff. But my faith in God aged just as poorly as my tattoo of Christian nü-metal band, P.O.D. Quite frankly, there is no benevolent God who would ever allow me to get this P.O.D. tattoo in the first place.

Surely, a merciful God would not allow one of his followers to mar his body with a tattoo that includes “inspirational” lyrics about illegally skateboarding in a community pool. If divine intervention was possible He would have interfered like, “Thou won’t be 19 forever, and these lyrics will be incredibly off-putting on a 40-something-year-old.”

I believe an omniscient being would have least steered me towards an understated Switchfoot or Relient K tattoo. Or at the very least a P.O.D. song that didn’t equate pulling off a an inward heelflip to discovering the meaning of life.

I can’t worship a God who did not prevent me from getting a tattoo that also includes the full P.O.D. “Satellite” album cover across my chest. At the time I thought it was a beautiful work of art but now all I see when I look at this chestpiece in the mirror is Satan smirking back at me.

Also my pal Shitdick, who’s currently in jail for homicide, didn’t do a great job with the stick ‘n poke in his grandma’s dimly lit basement. However, that was mostly my fault for not bringing a lamp and also bringing extra meth.

I must admit that maybe it was free will that led me to insist on adding the additional text of “Never forget 9/11” and “I will always support Bush and the Iraq War.” That one is on me. 2011 was a weird year.

Free will aside, of all the tragedies that could have been prevented, God should have prioritized the one on my torso.

Nowadays, I’m a loud atheist and constant shirt-wearer. Every time I shower I am reminded of my past mistakes and previous delusion that God is real and that P.O.D. would always be my favorite band.

P.O.D.? More like P.O.S. amirite? Just kidding. A literal P.O.S. could spit better bars. I just thank my atheist hero Ricky Gervais for showing me the way. And I pray (to SCIENCE!) that my “I Heart Mannequin Pussy” neck tattoo will always be relevant.

Band Who Cites Kiss As Influence Also Sucks

Posted on by John Danek

DETROIT — Local bar/glam rock band Stiletto Devils, who cite fellow Detroiters Kiss as their sole influence, “suck ass” at playing music just as much as their heroes, annoyed music fans report.

“This band has been the laughingstock of the local rock scene for the past few years — sometimes when they play live they’ll wear makeup, other times they won’t, but the best is when half of the guys are fully face-painted and the other dudes are normal,” said Pauline Winnset, owner of Almost Scratchless Records. “But no one wants to listen to a song named ‘Rock Rock Rockin’ Down the Street’ in these days unless it’s some ‘Tim & Eric’ absurdist comedy bullshit. They keep bringing boxes of their EP to the store in the hopes that I’ll sell it. It’s sadder than people who think ‘Beth’ is a good song.”

Devin Carter, rhythm guitarist and primary songwriter of Stiletto Devil, touts his band’s Kiss inspiration with a complete lack of self-awareness.

“Not only is Kiss obviously the best band musically, but their approach to merch was groundbreaking. We follow their example closely,” explained Carter, whose signature facepaint contains car tires around his eyes in an homage to Detroit. “We have Stiletto Devil shirts, socks, koozies, blankets, condoms, and child-sized caskets, because that was all we could afford. I got a custom bottle of champagne to crack when we make our first sale. Should happen any show now; we are deeply in debt.”

According to music experts, Kiss’s influence over subsequent generations is one of popular music’s strangest anomalies.

“Some of the most talented guitarists in metal cite Ace Frehley as their primary influence — such as Dimebag Darrell, Slash, and Buzz Osbourne,” explained Dr. Trina Carter, Professor of Music Theory at Michigan State. “But all of those dudes can shred laps around Ace any day. It’s bewildering. I can find no musical link between Ace’s basic pentatonic solos and Dime’s feral note selection. But when a full band cites Kiss as their inspiration? They always suck. Every single one. Dogshit.”

According to anonymous sources within the band, Stiletto Devils is taking a break from songwriting to devote time towards crafting social media posts about how hip-hop isn’t “real music.”

Punk Going On Vacation Asks if You Can Throw Out His Mail for Him

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit card bills and student loan bullshit,” while he’s on vacation.

“First, I want to dispel the rumors that I’m actually going to prison and not vacation. This is false. I am, in fact, going down the shore for the next four to six months. That’s why I asked my neighbor Devin [Contreras] to throw out my mail and pop into my house occasionally to make sure the rats haven’t completely taken over,” said Freeman. “I figured he’s pretty responsible. Plus, he owes me one based on all those times I could’ve stabbed him but chose not to.”

Contreras was troubled by Freeman’s request to commit a federal crime on his behalf.

“When I agreed to it, I thought he meant throw out junk mail, coupons… that kind of stuff. But apparently he wanted me to chuck all his mail — especially bills, summons, and certified letters from his sister asking about the money he owes her,” said Contreras. “He also gave me a list of all the fake names he’s used to apply for credit cards in case anything comes addressed to them. Weirdly, though, there was no mention of taking out the bags and bags of garbage stacked up to the kitchen ceiling.”

Freeman’s mail carrier Dallas Kennedy described a hostile relationship with Freeman, in which he frequently “shoots the messenger” and blames her for every negative piece of mail.

“Ugh. Yeah, I know the asshole living at 203. It’s like, dude, I don’t work for PSEG,” said Kennedy. “He also tried to bribe me into destroying his mail for him with homemade kombucha. When I told him that debt and arrest warrants don’t disappear if you don’t get your mail, he called me a ‘government hack’ and slammed the door in my face.”

Further investigation found that Freeman’s sudden “vacation” is a result of his destroying a nearby mailbox with a box of M-80 firecrackers.

5 Ways To Suck Dick That Piss Off The Far Left

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

These liberals get upset over every little thing, even sucking dick. Everyone knows that sex shouldn’t be a safe space. I am a proud, red blooded American patriot and I like to make sure everyone knows it the second my mouth is on their cock.

Here are some time tested true blue AMERICAN ways of sucking another man off that will make those libtards bust with rage in no time.

1: Flicking your tongue softly across the head

Imagine the dick hole’s the center of the political spectrum. Cross it, back-and-forth, back-and forth (favoring the right). If you’re blowing one of far left Hillary’s supporters, who REFUSE to cross the aisle, this’ll really piss ‘em off.


2: Fondling the balls (your own)

Let’s be real. None of these lefty wackos have balls. You can’t vote deep state McCain and have balls. If one of those pissbabies sees you sucking dick, fondling your own balls, they won’t be able to stand it. They hate us because we, like America, have huge balls.

3: Swallowing after

That’s right, Texas style. It’s a scientifically proven fact that all of these antifa AOC supporters fire blanks. Voting democrat lowers your testosterone. Work them until they finish, and then take that puff of dust like a champ. You’re no pussy. You’re a MAN. The only one swallowing seeds will be them. Seeds of truth. #Q

4: Spitting after

You’d think with how much they love abortion, the loony libs would love this one. WRONG. The last antifa cuck whose cock I sucked called it “littering” when I spat. Spit away, for America, warriors. Or, swallow that load (see above.) Either way works because liberals get mad at EVERYTHING. l


5: Wet and sloppily

If liberals had their way my blowjob’s would be dry as a bone to save water for California. They blame “global warming”, but you know the water is being diverted so the Hollywood liberal elite can waterboard thought criminals. Chanting “global warming is a hoax” when you’ve got em nice and deep will give your mouth the motion and the ocean.

Impossible Whopper Found to Contain Traces of Impossible Horse

Posted on by KC Phillips

JANESVILLE, Wis. — An alarming analysis of several of Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper sandwiches has found that the popular vegetarian burger contained trace amounts of vegetarian horse meat, according to the FDA.

“It used to be when somebody handed you a burger and told you it wasn’t ‘possible,’ you didn’t question them,” shouted outraged customer Dwight Miller. “You didn’t have to! But now I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe eating at Burger King again — I became a vegetarian specifically to avoid accidentally eating fake horse meat. It’s one thing to eat fake beef, but fake horse? That’s just disgusting.”

Executives at Burger King dismissed the claims and findings.

“Yes, the burger contains trace amounts of Impossible Horse, but I assure you it is well below the legally allowed limit,” said Burger King spokesperson Roisen Hamm. “The government regulates these things. Have you read the rules? You can basically have 10% of whatever you want in there. Sometimes I sit around putting pennies in chicken nuggets, just ‘cause I can. You ever have a chicken nugget with a penny in it? Probably, but you wouldn’t know, because you can’t even tell. This whole thing is totally overblown.”

Impossible Foods Vice President Jonas Borg was contrite over the contamination.

“In the Impossible Horse meat business, you don’t ask questions — and when Burger King asked us for barrels of our all-natural Impossible Horse meat, it was no exception. We know now that we made a mistake,” Borg said. “To say we’re sorry, we’re going to be offering a sampler for our products, totally free of charge, to anyone affected by this. For the remainder of this month, Impossible Horse, Improbable Dog, Not Snakes, Unreasonable Beaver, and Bats? will all be sold at a 35% discount with a limit of one per customer.”

In response, the Burger King himself tweeted, “An Impossible Horse? An Impossible Horse? My Burger Kingdom for an Impossible Horse!?”

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