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REPORT: Massive Data Breach Impacts All 12 Super Horny Art Kids Still on Tumblr

NEW YORK — A large-scale data breach of Tumblr’s current user base compromised the personal information of all 12 horny, artsy kids that for some reason didn’t yet move on to another microblogging site, tech experts/online perverts confirmed.

“Based on the size of this breach, conservative estimates show as many as a dozen Tumblr users were affected, with some experts believing the number may be as high as a baker’s dozen,” said cyber security professional Milton “Jonny” Barber. “Of course, after Tumblr banned porn it lost most of its users, aside from a bunch of artsy-fartsy dorks sharing unfunny web comics and poorly lit fashion pics. But still, a small number of geeky, pent-up hacking victims are still victims.”

One such victim was Tumblr user and formerly anonymous writer of online smut Eleanor Palmer.

“I found out about the data breach after a hacker contacted me via email. He wasn’t trying to blackmail me or anything, he just wanted to tell me that my secret, John Lennon and Paul Mccartney romance fan fic sucked and I was fucking loser,” said Palmer. “Honestly, I wish he had just stolen what little money I had in my PayPal account or something instead of laughing at my secret shame.”

The breach is just one disaster in a long line of shitstorms Tumblr and its users have had to navigate in recent years.

 

“I first thought Yahoo buying Tumblr was the end, because, you know, it’s Yahoo. Then it was sold to Verizon, and, yeah — those assholes screw me on my TV service, but at least they can run a business. Then ‘porn-a-geddon’ happened and it flipped the world upside down,” said Tumblr user Danielle Perkins. “Before that, Tumblr was like, the last safe place on the Internet: people could express themselves and be creative, and everyone was generally cool. But turns out the only reason everyone was so chill was because they were cumming to porn GIFs right before they wrote that supportive comment on your hacky photograph of a plastic bag in the wind.”

Legal experts believe that, due to the extent of the breach and Tumblr’s current valuation, victims could be awarded as much as $2.63.

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