Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Speedrunning Community Split Over Whether a Glitchless ‘Fallout: New Vegas’ Run is Even Possible

Posted on January 10, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Members of the Fallout: New Vegas speedrunning community are locked in a contentious debate over the plausibility of a truly glitchless speedrun category for the game, sources confirmed Monday.

“Fallout: New Vegas is the kind of game where you could just leave it running for a few minutes, go grab a sandwich, and come back to find it completely glitched out,” said forum member Goatmeat. “I bet it’d be harder to beat the game without seeing a single glitch than it would be to just speedrun it. What’s the opposite of a glitch hunter? That’s who we need to help us figure this out.”

This position has left speedrunners divided, and runners who have completed Any% Glitchless runs of the game in the past are now being forced to defend their records.

“The engine the developers made the game with was nearly five years old at that point, so they knew what they were doing when they added all of these extremely exploitable physics,” said user SooperMewtant. “Whenever my character is launched 300 feet through the air by a Nuka Cola bottle, that’s obviously an intentionally designed game mechanic.”

The debate has required the community to examine the rules and debate what a glitch truly is, be it an unintended effect or a specific trick the player must perform.

“In my personal best route, there’s a door that crashes the game if you try to open it normally,” said user Hugh G. Iron in a stickied debate thread. “So I have to perform a frame-perfect trick by bringing up the Pip-Boy while putting in the input to open the door, and then it works perfectly fine. Can that truly be considered a glitch, if it’s making the door work as it should? What counts as a video game glitch? Hell, what even is a video game? I don’t even know anymore.”

“The truth is that New Vegas itself is a glitch; an unintended consequence of millions of factors,” said user BrahminTipper, at the conclusion of a long post detailing over 300 intricate glitches and exploits he’d discovered in the last week alone. “To achieve total mastery over something so unpredictable is impossible. You can either accept that or go insane. One must imagine the game’s protagonist, the Courier, as a mad demigod meant to catalyze the chaos of the wasteland, and that unpredictability should be enough to fill a person’s heart.”

At press time, a group of modders on the forum had announced that they’d begun work on an unauthorized mod of New Vegas that makes the game actually playable.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Any Arrangement Is an Edible Arrangement If You’re Not a Fucking Pussy

Posted on January 10, 2020 by Zach Raffio

Wow! You’ve just received an edible arrangement from your Aunt Elizabeth, congratulating you on the birth of your first child. What a truly kind, thoughtful gesture, right?

WRONG.

She’s making you look weak – insinuating you need your arrangements to be made of actual food in order to eat them. Throw it in the trash and tell your Dad’s sister that to you, any arrangement is an edible arrangement, because you’re not a fucking pussy.

That bouquet of roses and lilac sitting on the dining room counter? Grab a fork, some A1 sauce, and go to town. Better eat every last bite – or do you have to run out and pick up your dress from the dry cleaner?

Looks like you just had the stone arrangement in your garden re-done. Well, you’re gonna be making a few more trips to Home Depot, because that arrangement of smooth shale and goose-shaped amphibolite is going down your goddamn gullet with a lovely Bearnaise sauce to boot.

At this point you might be thinking, “is this safe? None of this is food,” but if you were a real tough boy, you’d enjoy eating that plastic cutlery set, and then you’d beg for more sharp plastic utensils to be carelessly stuffed into the only body you have.

It doesn’t stop with just eating anything in sight, though.

You have pillows and a comforter on your bed? You have my spit and piss on your grave.

Do what a real tough boy does – grab a pile of decapitated Furbies, light them on fire, and when the flames go down and the pile of burnt robot birds emits but a crackling ember, lay down your head and drift off to dreamland.

Reading a book? Fuck that, too easy. Read minds.

Have to shit? Dig a hole (even if all you have is concrete and your bare hands) then do it up. Or, be like me – I haven’t pooped in six years and am constantly in pain.

Look, this is just the way to be, and if you dislike it, don’t get your pedicured knees caught in the door on your way out.

Survivor Producers Following Crust Punk On Island Unaware He Is Not Contestant

Posted on January 10, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

MAMANUCA ISLANDS, Fiji. — Crew members currently filming the latest season of “Survivor” were shocked to discover that a scab covered, emaciated, crust punk they had been following for the past week was not a registered contestant on the show, sources close to the production confirmed.

“There really is no other way to put this, but we just figured anyone that looks that rough has to be a cast member. His clothes were tattered and he looked like he hadn’t showered in weeks, but it just turns out that was all a lifestyle choice,” said camera operator Levi Rice. “Even though he constantly tried spitting on me it was still easier than having to follow Richard Hatch.”

The crust punk who only goes by the nickname “Choppy” says he has been squatting in the remote part of the island for months.

“I was just sitting around minding my own goddamn business when all these fancy fuckers starting coming around with cameras,” said Choppy while trying to punch a coconut open. “I saw some guy with a bandana around his neck handing out free bags of rice so I figured I would join the party. Then suddenly I am carrying a torch and being asked to paddle canoes around. Seemed like a bunch of corporate bullshit.”

Other contestants on the show were reportedly caught off guard by the crust punks sudden appearance in the games rotation.

“I didn’t think much of it at first. I figured the producers were trying to add this really smelly guy with a lot of firm opinions about the World Bank as a way to shake things up,” said contestant Helen Glover. “I started to get a little worried when he kept trying to give himself tattoos with the spear we used to catch fish. That shit got really infected at one point and he just kept ignoring it. He gave the CrossFit guy a run for this money, though, so I gotta give him credit for that.”

“Survivor” host Jeff Probst admitted he was happy to see Choppy removed from the show.

“At every Tribal Council he would call me a corporate pig and then try to fight me,” said Probst. “I would have liked to have seen him try though. I boxed a little in college and used to beat up punks like him all the time in the ‘80s. The tribe has spoken, and if you see him before filming wraps up send him to my hotel and his nose will get broken.”

CDC Warns Pokémania Much More Dangerous When Contracted as an Adult

Posted on January 9, 2020 by Joshua Hudson

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is warning citizens about the dangers of contracting Pokémania as an adult, which can be more detrimental to the health than when contracted as a child. The CDC has identified the latest strain of Pokémania as having originated with the release of Pokémon Sword and Shield.

“Even if you contracted Pokémania as a child, you’re not immune,” said CDC physician Mimi Waller. “We’ve found the virus remains dormant in your bloodstream until a new game is released.”

Adult members of the gaming community described their childhood bouts of the disease in harrowing terms.

“I had Pokémania as a kid, and it put me out of commission for months,” said local gamer Alex Mahone. “At the time, we didn’t know any better, and I spread Pokémania to all of my classmates. We were trading and battling right in class. I had to catch ‘em all, and didn’t stop until I got that little certificate I could print out on the Game Boy Printer.”

Doctors emphasized that extra caution in adults does not mean the disease is safe for children.

“We discourage parents from holding ‘Pokémania Parties,’ where one infected child spreads the virus to other, healthy children,” Dr. Waller told reporters. “However, it is true that the impact of Pokémania is much less detrimental to children, who have hours of free time on their hands.”

Thousands have already been diagnosed with Pokémania this year alone, with the virus expected to spread rapidly during the holiday season.

“I’ve been bedridden since release day. I caught them all, but now I can’t stop breeding my Pokémon until I get a Goomy with perfect IVs, the right nature, and its hidden ability,” said local gamer Alex Mahone, 31. “I don’t see how I’ll be able to go back to work before the New Year.”

According to the CDC, symptoms of Pokémania can last for years in adults, and the disease can also make sufferers more susceptible to any Final Fantasy remakes in the future.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Yearning For ‘Good Old Days’ Mostly Yearning for Bionicle

Posted on January 9, 2020 by John Dixon

MILWAUKEE — Nostalgic 26-year-old James Crawford claims he spent his week reminiscing about the halcyon days of 2001, though sources report he was mostly pining for LEGO’s Bionicle line.

“I just can’t get my mind off those good old days when the future felt so much brighter, back when I still had friends and a sense of purpose,” said Crawford. “Of course those friends were the Toa and Matorans of Mata Nui and the sense of purpose I mentioned was based solely on collecting and building all the Bionicle sets. Yeah, those were the good old days.”

Many of Crawford’s acquaintances expressed surprise that he would be nostalgic for 2001 at large and not merely the Bohrok story arc and subsequent toys that were released as a result.

“I mean if we’re being real, 2001 was a disaster of a year, with 9/11 and the impending war and everything,” said Danielle Cohen, a childhood friend of Crawford’s. “Oh, come to think of it, his parents got divorced that year. It was pretty ugly. Yeah, he just misses Bionicle I think.”

*According to those familiar with the situation, Crawford stared longingly at this specific photo of himself in 2001. “It was just something about that time I can’t put my finger on,” he said.*

Crawford’s father, Arthur Crawford, had a less rosy recollection of 2001 as his progeny.

“Yeah, 2001 was a god awful year for me and the family as a whole,” the elder Crawford said. “There was the divorce, me losing my job, hell the dog even ran away. To make matters worse, I had to shell out all that cash for those weird LEGO robots James was always going on about. I still remember the tagline ‘Six Heroes, One Destiny,’ because I figured that one destiny had to be to empty my wallet.”

At press time, James Crawford was still refusing to acknowledge how woeful 2001 was, discussing instead the point and click game hosted on Bionicle’s official website as a high water mark for digital media.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Guru Says Treat Your Body Like Fucked Up Temple Bathroom

Posted on January 9, 2020 by Michael De Toffoli

BERKELEY, Calif. — Traveling gutter punk-turned inspirational teacher Marcus “Guru Hoagie” Sanders is directing followers worldwide to treat their bodies as if they were a “fucked up temple bathroom,” inspiring many punks to use the Guru’s teachings as their guiding light.

“I’ve watched my children attempt the path of self-betterment through meditation and nutrition, and that might be fine if you are a cop. But if you want true enlightenment, you must set yourself free by letting it all go and accepting your filth. Be the bathroom,” said Guru Hoagie from his current residence in the Caltrain Bayshore bathroom. “Safety is for posers. Cultivate an internal safe space where everything is a toilet. Fuck that shit up.”

Chuggy Vivanco, resident and booker at established house venue The Babyshitter’s Clubhaus in South Berkeley, was one of the first punks to adopt Guru Hoagie’s teachings.

“Before I met Guru Hoagie, I was in anger management classes and six months sober,” said Vivanco as he drank from a beer-filled ashtray. “But his teachings showed me I shouldn’t be living my life to please other people — if I want to get drunk and fight strangers under a bridge, then I need to follow my truth. Just like Guru Hoagie says, ‘We need to be the band sticker in the urinal of life that maintains its integrity, regardless of the amount of piss that tries to wash it away.’”

However, former follower Claudia Ruiz claimed the motivational speaker is nothing more than a scam artist “looking to drain punks of loose cigarettes and drink tickets.”

“He told a group of us, ‘When life throws you a steel toe boot to the nose, feel empowered to snot rocket that bloody mucus into the mouth of your enemy.” Which was a fine message until I got arrested for assaulting a police officer and spent five nights in jail,” said Ruiz. ”So far all I’ve gotten from his guidance is a court date, gonorrhea, and the runs.”

Guru Hoagie is holding daily sermons in the bathroom at Turk & Taylor rehearsal studios in San Francisco, where he’s offering personal lifestyle enlightenment guidance, wellness plan packages, and pre-rolled spliffs for $5, or 2 for $8.

5 Punk Fashion Trends That Are Officially Canceled After My Mom Complimented Them

Posted on January 9, 2020 by Rachel Steele

Over the past few years we’ve called out, canceled, impeached, and even jailed some of America’s most toxic and evil people but we still have a long way to go! As punks, we feel it’s time to finally address the greatest injustice in this fucked up country—the unconditional love and support we all receive from our parents.

It makes us sick that such a blatant act of defiance like ripping sleeves off a denim vest can be considered “aw, cute!” So when our mom said that it made us so angry we wanted to literally throw up the Chipotle we bought with her money. Here are 5 punk fashion trends that somehow piqued our mother’s bourgeoisie interests and are officially canceled:

1. Doc Martens – Seriously, why do we even still see poser losers leaving their house with such basic bullshit like Doc Martens. Everyone and their mother has a pair! Specifically our mother. Mom showed genuine interest in their “durability” and “practicality” for “outdoor activities,” and now they’re all she wears! Doc Martens used to stand for rebellion. We used to wear them and feel cool. Now we wear them and feel mildly uncomfortable and a little bit damp. We sure hope she doesn’t hear about Vans on NPR or something or we’ll have to resort to wearing our old flip flops to shows.

2. Sleeveless Vests – What kind of self-respecting, standard, functioning member of society rips the sleeves off of their own denim vests? None! That’s why punks do it. Well, not anymore! Not since our mom decided that it was a “really neat idea” since the venues she drops us off at tend to get “just a smidge stuffy.” We didn’t do it to be neat! We did it to anger you, mom! And it’ll be a cold day in Hell before we ask for your help while we sew the sleeves back on. God, parents ruin everything!

3. Safety Pins – Honestly, we’re surprised she didn’t ruin these sooner. We can’t even begin to describe the horror we felt after our mother smiled and willingly gave us a safety pin when we asked for one on our outfit. We even had a whole snarky response prepared for her confusion and her inability to understand our anarchist tendencies after she refused to give use one. But of course mom had the fucking nerve to hand it to us without a single questions. She just smiled and said, “that sounds fun, be careful not to poke yourself!” Anyone wearing safety pins on their clothing is dangerous, mom! We live on the fucking edge. Well now safety pins are canceled! Anyone wearing them is unwelcome in my circle of trust.

4. Hair Dye in the Following Colors: Blue, Dark Blue, Pink, Orange – People aren’t born with blue hair. The very sight of it should enrage a domesticated, property-owning commoner with simple tastes, but no! Blue is also our mom’s favorite color and apparently it “looks so good on you! You’re so unique!” Fucking UGH. It’s on our head, mom! It doesn’t go there! It’s as if any color we choose for our hair is acceptable and valid in our mother’s eyes and no matter what she will support our appearance. I’m running away.

5. Anything involved with the ’80s – It has recently been brought to our attention that our mother grew up in the ’80s and, honestly, she hasn’t taken an interest in our love of ’80s retro shit so this is entirely preemptive. Fucking Stranger Things.

“I Didn’t Realize This Was a Gay Bar,” Man Says for Sixth Night in a Row

Posted on January 9, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar he visited for the sixth night in a row, was a gay bar, skeptical patrons confirmed.

“That place seemed pretty cool… even if it was a bit of a sausage fest,” remarked Davis over brunch. “I was there last night, and I asked the bartender where all the women were — he just looked at me funny for a second and was like, ‘As I’ve told you for the last week, this a gay bar. Everyone here prefers the company of men.’ I was like, ‘Bro, no way!’ He kind of shook his head after I said that, and asked if I wanted my usual vodka soda, and I said, ‘Yeah.”

Staff and regulars at one of America’s most well-known gay enclaves are reportedly annoyed by Davis’s routine, but have reluctantly played along.

“When I saw him walk in last night, I almost verbatim anticipated the conversation we were going to have. I thought about calling him out on it, but he seemed like he’d make a big deal of it if I did,” reported Backslide assistant manager Jason Caldwell. “I understand it’s not always easy for people to come out, but you’re in a safe space here — you don’t have to pretend like you didn’t know what you were doing. Especially after I kicked him out the previous night for giving a drag queen a blowjob in the bathroom.”

Experts noted this feigned ignorance could represent a healthy step in Davis coming to terms with his sexuality.

“While society as a whole has become more accepting of the homosexual community, for some there still exists a stigma within their own individual families and communities,” stated UCLA Sociology Professor Andrew Richards. “Whether it’s covertly listening to Madonna or ‘accidentally’ going to gay bars, people like Mr. Davis can accept their sexuality at their own pace and hopefully find a welcoming community. This is a phenomena we see regularly among so-called ‘alternative lifestyles’ — particularly at that leather bar I always seem to end up at.”

At press time, Davis was seen leaving Prince Men’s Spa with former Republican Congressman Aaron Schock, where they reportedly “just helped spot each other.”

YouTuber Deeply Regrets ‘Kill It With Fire’ Comment on Australian Spider Video

Posted on January 9, 2020 by James Kinneen

YUMA, Ariz. — Jed Thompkins, also known as “Riseofthejedguy” on YouTube, is reportedly distraught over a comment he made on a 2017 video of a Huntsman spider crawling on top of a banana inside a suburban Melbourne home now that people around the world are mourning the death of over a billion Australian animals to a bushfire.

“It was just like, a common joke people would write on bug videos,” Thompkins said, holding his head in shame. “I didn’t want to actually kill it with fire. Or at the very least, I just wanted to kill that one spider with fire. How was I supposed to know something like this would happen?”

With Australian officials now investigating over 20 separate cases of intentional arson, some have taken Thompkins’ words to heart.

“We’re going to be looking into any and all leads when it comes to this fire,” said Prime Minister Scott Morrison. “If that means flying over to the States and looking through this guy’s house to see if he has any materials to start a fire, then so be it. Memes aren’t funny and they’re not a joke. We don’t like to ‘kill things with fire’ here in Australia. This is an incredibly serious issue.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Thompkins has now scrubbed any other cliché comments he made on the streaming website which have become problematic in light of recent events. Some of these include “song bumps” on the Jay Z/R Kelly collaboration Guilty Until Proven Innocent, “lol this show’s so random” on a compilation of foot jokes in Nickelodeon’s Victorious, and “looks pretty good” on a 1999 trailer for The Legend of Bagger Vance.

Now, Thompkins is using the same platform that has brought him such trouble to try and make a positive impact on the world. In an attempt to raise climate change awareness, Thompkins has begun commenting “cut dem emmisionz” on hundreds of YouTube videos.

“I started the ‘cut dem emissionz’ movement to try and bring awareness to the horrifying effects of global climate change, using the power of YouTube comment sections,” Thompkins said. “So far every single comment has been downvoted hundreds of times, but I think it’s important to get the message out there.

“They say you have to fight fire with fire, so let’s kill global climate change with some fire memes in the comment section.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Aging Scenester Distraught Emo Kids No Longer Learning About Cursive

Posted on January 9, 2020 by John Dixon

DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are no longer learning firsthand about the seminal, genre-defining band Cursive.

“I just really can’t believe we’re failing the next generation like this. Cursive was a huge part of making me who I am today — their songs are how we communicated complex emotions as we struggled to find ourselves,” Adkins said, tugging futilely on a faded and shrunken Braid T-shirt. “How can kids these days prepare for the inevitable disappointments of their own artistic endeavors or romantic relationships without hearing ‘Domestica’ or ‘The Ugly Organ?’ This is a giant failing of the modern record store clerk and Spotify algorithms.”

However, Adkins’ peers claimed his anguish about the lack of exposure to the work of Tim Kasher is a little over the top.

“I mean, I’ve got fond memories of listening to Cursive as a teenager, sure… but as an adult, I’ve barely used any of the lessons Cursive taught me in the late ’90s and early aughts,” said Sam Bellings, a barista who graduated high school the same year as Adkins. “Kids have other bands around that resonate with them more, and sing about stuff they care more about, like, uh… vaping? I don’t actually know what kids are into anymore. I haven’t bought any new music since 2003.”

Local high schooler William Diskin weighed in on the significance, or lack thereof, of Cursive to his generation.

“I really don’t see why anyone would need Cursive: it’s like, weird, loopy guitars with random horns and cello mixed in. I’m pretty sure it’s what my grandfather burned on a CD or something for my grandma when he tried to impress her,” said Diskin. “Look, I’m sure Cursive was very useful to a lot of people at one point, but the scene has evolved — most of us are into emo rap now. Everything we do now is online and electronic, and that includes emo music.”

At press time, Adkins was petitioning his local school board to have the art department focus more on Onelinedrawing.

Check out our interview with Tim Kasher on the latest episode of The Hard Times Podcast.

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