Aging Scenester Distraught Emo Kids No Longer Learning About Cursive

Posted on by John Dixon

DAYTON, Ohio — Local 38-year-old scenester James Adkins is bemoaning to anyone who will listen that up-and-coming emo kids are no longer learning firsthand about the seminal, genre-defining band Cursive.

“I just really can’t believe we’re failing the next generation like this. Cursive was a huge part of making me who I am today — their songs are how we communicated complex emotions as we struggled to find ourselves,” Adkins said, tugging futilely on a faded and shrunken Braid T-shirt. “How can kids these days prepare for the inevitable disappointments of their own artistic endeavors or romantic relationships without hearing ‘Domestica’ or ‘The Ugly Organ?’ This is a giant failing of the modern record store clerk and Spotify algorithms.”

However, Adkins’ peers claimed his anguish about the lack of exposure to the work of Tim Kasher is a little over the top.

“I mean, I’ve got fond memories of listening to Cursive as a teenager, sure… but as an adult, I’ve barely used any of the lessons Cursive taught me in the late ’90s and early aughts,” said Sam Bellings, a barista who graduated high school the same year as Adkins. “Kids have other bands around that resonate with them more, and sing about stuff they care more about, like, uh… vaping? I don’t actually know what kids are into anymore. I haven’t bought any new music since 2003.”

Local high schooler William Diskin weighed in on the significance, or lack thereof, of Cursive to his generation.

“I really don’t see why anyone would need Cursive: it’s like, weird, loopy guitars with random horns and cello mixed in. I’m pretty sure it’s what my grandfather burned on a CD or something for my grandma when he tried to impress her,” said Diskin. “Look, I’m sure Cursive was very useful to a lot of people at one point, but the scene has evolved — most of us are into emo rap now. Everything we do now is online and electronic, and that includes emo music.”

At press time, Adkins was petitioning his local school board to have the art department focus more on Onelinedrawing.

Check out our interview with Tim Kasher on the latest episode of The Hard Times Podcast.

Charles Koch Doesn’t Understand Why Character in First Place Can’t Also Get Blue Shell

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Billionaire owner of Koch Industries Charles Koch recently gave a two-hour symposium at his alma mater MIT that questioned the mechanics of the game Mario Kart, specifically why a character in 1st place can’t also get a blue shell.

“As someone who has earned 1st place, it makes no sense that I don’t have access to the most powerful powerup in the game,” Koch remarked while presenting one of several dozen slides from his coinciding PowerPoint. 

Koch then argued that having the blue shell would not only help him, but ultimately help those closest behind him, mostly by slowing down the weakest players even further.

“It would benefit everyone for me to not only remain in the lead, but also have a blue shell that strikes the person ahead of me, who happens to be in last place. This will allow me to lap those who have failed to improve their position in the race. This has a trickle down effect, allowing other racers to get further ahead as well,” Koch explained. “Just not as ahead as I would be.”

He went on to question why the blue shell was given to the slowest racers in the first place.

“The slobs towards the end of the pack are the only people given an opportunity to use a blue shell, which is directed specifically at the racer in the upper cla—,” said Charles, and then cleared his throat. “Excuse me. I meant 1st place.”

Koch carried on, presenting a slide that showed a hand-drawn picture of a Goomba wearing a pot leaf shirt, lazily tossing a blue shell at a golden Mario.

“These lazy, do-nothing racers are given this unfair advantage in spite of missing every speed pad and turbo jump. It just … honestly it just plain sucks. You can’t dodge that shit and I really wanted to win,” Charles told the packed auditorium, his face turning red. “My granddaughter could barely stay on the track, but she hit me with it and won. She’s four years old!”

When asked for her thoughts on the presentation, MIT student Trish Walker said the event took a turn for the worse after that moment, with Koch continuing to rant about blue shells, lightning bolts, and communism for two hours.

“I thought the blue shell thing was an allegory or something, but it became clear after about 15 minutes that the guy actually has issues with that powerup.”

Koch also announced he would be creating a Super PAC called First Place Patriots, whose goal is to lobby Congress to make it illegal for granddaughters to gloat after winning Mario Kart.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Friend Back with Band You Spent Months Shit Talking About After Breakup

Posted on by Kyle Erf

PHILADELPHIA — Your friend Bella Dubois is reportedly now back with her old band The New Babies, leaving you feeling like an idiot for all the shit talk you threw the band’s way.

“It’s nuts that Bella is back together with those losers,” you said while alone in your room, wondering if you should text her to check in. “I was so relieved when The New Babies split over ‘creative differences’ — which, let’s be real, means they’re bad for each other. Bella could do so much better: their drummer is this Crossfit dude with greasy hair who can’t keep time, their bassist breaks strings at like, every show, all their lyrics are somehow about beaches… she was better off without them.”

“We stayed up until 3 a.m. last week just making fun of their tattoos alone. It’s so dumb,” you added. “Plus, she had some really interesting solo electronic stuff in the works we’ll never see now.”

Sources say Dubois, a 25-year-old guitarist and museum guide, agreed to get back together with the band following eight weeks of soul searching.

“I think it’s a good career move to give it another try,” said Dubois, unwilling to recognize the hypocrisy in returning to a band for which she had laid out at least 10 compelling arguments against existing. “They aren’t perfect, but we actually had a tiny fan base who will be very happy to see us back together. And Tina, our vocalist, is well-connected in the Philly scene and that’s really helpful, you know? Plus, our logo is super cute.”

However, others are less surprised by the band reconnecting.

“That entire band is just so toxic: they go through this cycle every year and sure enough, as soon as winter hits, the band magically gets back together and Bella pretends it’s good for her. She’s a poor judge of character and has no conviction,” said longtime acquaintance and fellow Philly punk Rodney “Knuckles” Duff. “I just hope I don’t get another call to help her move all the gear out of the band’s practice space. I’ve done that enough, thank you very much.”

At press time, you were trying to think of a good excuse to avoid having to go the the band’s latest reunion show.

Opinion: ACAB! Except Robocop

Posted on by Ryan Danley

There’s a simple truth out here in the real world. ACAB! All. Cops. Are. Bastards! Point blank period. And when we say “all” we mean ALL cops. Your uncle that’s a cop? Bastard. The nice cop at the coffee shop? Bastard. There is, however, one exception.

Officer Murphy was ruthlessly slaughtered by a gang of brutal thugs only to be resurrected by a greedy corporation into a half human, half robot, all cop cyborg. Though initially a slave to the Prime Directives of corporate America, this officer came to exemplify the strength of humanity against corporate greed and society’s brutal architecture, reclaiming and redefining his own identity in the process. His name is Robocop, and he is dope as fuck.

The police force is nothing more than a government sanctioned gang. They are the armed enforcement of the status quo, harbingers of the oppressive values our society was built on. They are the wall between the wealthy and the marginalized poor. But there was this time that Robocop walked right up to a woman and offered to contact a rape crisis center for her straight up after he shot this dude’s dick off, and that ruled.

I’m tired of hearing there are just a few “bad apples” giving good cops a bad name. These are people with guns that have been given a license to kill. You don’t get to make mistakes. A cop chooses to be a cop. A cop chooses to uphold unjust laws. A cop chooses to not intervene in police misconduct and a cop chooses to have their fellow cop’s back when they lie and murder innocent people. All bastard moves.

But there was this one time that Robocop did a solo no warrant raid on a drug producing facility that was super badass. He single handedly killed probably a dozen henchman. Then he found notorious scumbag Clarence Bodiger and threw him through plate glass windows until he got the information he needed. I gotta tell you that shit hypes me up.

If the police want to shed the moniker of “bastards” they need to make major changes. They will have to make extreme efforts to improve relations with marginalized and oppressed communities. They need to enact an anti-racism and bias program that has real accountability. They need to redefine the parameters for use of force. Police are given the utmost trust in our society and needed to be held the highest of standards. The archaic policies that allow for police brutality need to be taken out like Robocop took out Dick Jones. Shot through the window of a high rise office building and sent it to its death. Only then can we, as a society, proudly state that we are Murphy, Officer Murphy.

Coworker Unaware He’s Trapped in Bitter, Hate-Filled Rivalry With You

Posted on by Ted Pillow

DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a long-running feud that won’t end until one of you dies or gets fired, confirmed company break room sources Thursday afternoon.

“I get along well with everybody here,” Ferguson explained while heating up his lunch in the communal microwave. “I pride myself on having a personal connection with each of my coworkers. I want to know what makes them tick, so I’m always asking questions — even when people tell me to shut up and leave them alone, I need to know why they feel that way. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a date with some hard boiled eggs that I’ve been looking forward to all morning.”

According to multiple employees, Ferguson is oblivious that you’ve despised him since he was hired in 2012.

“We all know you want to smack the shit out of him with that Big Mouth Billy Bass he keeps above his desk — especially since he sings along with it in that annoying falsetto,” confided Danyelle Likurski in payroll. “But somehow, he thinks you guys are like brothers: he has no idea you reported him to HR for creating a ‘hazardous work environment’ in the third floor bathroom after lunch. Hell, he doesn’t even know you’re the one who keyed his car — even though you scratched your name into it with the message, ‘Fight me right now.’”

Unfortunately, it appears your festering rage is part of a calculated effort by management to increase team performance.

“Employees accomplish more when motivated by conflict, spite, and resentment,” claimed assistant manager Diane Westphal. “That’s why we decided you two should share an office — it’s been an interpersonal disaster, and we couldn’t be more pleased. In corporate psychology, we refer to the principle of constructive hatred as the ‘Van Halen Paradox.’”

At press time, Ferguson was blasting his beloved Uncle Kracker Spotify playlist in your shared space while failing miserably in his attempt to clip his toenails over your recycling bin.

Completionist Student Finishes 100% Run of College After 50 Years

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

NEWARK, Del. — Tom Connor graduated today from the University of Delaware with his 140th and final bachelor degree, having taken every class in the school’s curriculum and successfully completing his 100% run of the entire university’s offerings during his 50 years of enrollment, claiming a new world record in the process. 

“When you play through Skyrim, you don’t just join the Stormcloaks and call it a day,” explained Connor, 73, a self described completionist. “No, you join the Dark Brotherhood, Thieves Guild, College of Winterhold and every other faction because you want to experience it all! And that’s exactly why I had to join the College of Business, College of Engineering, and the College of Arts and Sciences. It was really tough keeping up my grades while being president of every club and Greek organization as well as captain of every sports team, but no one said a full playthrough of college was going to be easy.”

Connor started his long journey as a freshman back in 1970. Since then, administrators have patched more and more content into their curriculum expanding Connor’s journey even further. Luckily, Connor was able to stay on track by taking online courses, often while sitting in other classes simultaneously. Carter Rosemont, the University of Delaware’s dean, was excited to honor the school’s first ever 100% graduate. 

“We’ve not seen such an exciting bit of scholastic speedrunning here since Justin Meloro set the any% speedrun record by receiving early college credits in high school and blowing through his associates degree in a single semester,” he said at a ceremony held to honor Connor’s achievement. “And he did it without exploiting any of the holes in this fine campus’ walls.” 

At press time, Connor had been accepted to join the university’s annex school, the Delaware Literary College, making his 100% run, only 87%. “I fucking hate DLC,” he said when asked to comment.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The Real-Life Rufio? This Homeless Teen Can Sure Swing a Sword!

Posted on by Rob Walker

It can be easy to become discouraged these days amid the drudgery of work and the onslaught of terrible news. This is why it’s so important to recognize magic when we find it in the world, and why I was so thrilled to discover a real-life Rufio living among us!

You remember Rufio, don’t you? He was the super-cool leader of the Lost Boys in Steven Spielberg’s “Hook.” You know, the whimsical cinematic continuation J.M. Barrie’s novel “Peter Pan.” Well, guess what, Rufio exists and let me tell you that he can swing a sword like a motherfucker.

Let me first say that I was not expecting to find the leader of a rag-tag group of warrior orphans when I stepped outside of Starbucks that cold afternoon. I was messing with my iPhone when I saw him. It was like he back-flipped right out of Neverland and into the back alley of Captain Barnacles’ Seafood Hole.

He was much thinner than I thought a magical forest child would be, probably due to his Never-food diet. However, he was still as agile as his movie counterpart, even while fighting three hobos for a discarded cod sandwich.

I don’t know where he learned his swordsmanship, but he made short work of those street-pirates. It wasn’t much a fight when they were only wielding wooden sticks against a feral child with a rusted cutlass, it was really more of a long shiv, I guess. The crew of homeless scalawags scattered when my man kicked one of them in the balls before throwing a plastic bag filled with cat piss at the others. Rufio must have really wanted those fries too!

I found myself cheering when the child of Neverland celebrated his victory in typical Lost Boys style by crowing at the sky with tears streaming down his face before scarfing down his spoils of war. I think I startled the little rascal because he skittered off shortly afterward. High adventure at its finest!

Remember everyone, you could be leaving your favorite coffee shop and see a real-life warrior-child engaged in swordplay or a family of Rocket Raccoons getting chased away from an adult bookstore. Mental Illness may have taken Robin Williams from us, but it can do good things too! Never let anyone tell you that there’s no magic left in this world.

Man Who Quit Social Media on New Year’s Going Door to Door to Tell Everyone

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GENEVA, Ill. — Local man and self-described electronic leash cutter Lucas Roberts is now on a door-to-door journey to tell every American that he quit all social media for his New Year’s resolution, multiple annoyed sources confirmed.

“It’s an awful, catch-22 situation: what’s the point of quitting social media if you can’t brag about it, but how can I brag about it to everyone if I’m not on social media?” said Roberts. “So, now I have to go — not just to my followers, but to every damn house in the country — and break their hearts in person. I have to tell them they’ll no longer be able to like photos of my coffee, or nearly identical selfies from my car with the caption, ‘Rise and grind’ before I go to the gym. But I’m all about face-to-face contact now, so this should be an adventure.”

Local residents are thus far more confused than devastated by Roberts’ arrival on their doorsteps to announce his departure from social media.

“This guy rang my doorbell and told me he deactivated his Facebook account,” said Geneva, Ill. homeowner Dana Fisher. “When I told him I didn’t understand why I needed to know this, he claimed I’m ‘just another one of Zuckerberg’s sheeple getting hypnotized by meme culture and not living real life.’ Which is weird, because I went to high school with him and I’m pretty sure he friend-requested me last month, even though we haven’t spoken in 10 years.”

Twitter PR spokesperson Emily Dawson released a statement about Roberts’ resolution.

“We at Twitter value every user, and it is a shame that Mr. Roberts closed his account. We are sure his 104 followers will miss his takes on the new ‘Star Wars’ film, and countless celebrities are sure to be upset not to see his comments in the sub-tweets of their sub-tweets,” said Dawson. “We wish him well on his journey.”

According to witnesses, Roberts’ had barely made it into the neighboring town of St. Charles before reinstalling Instagram.

Anti-Flag Already Releases Album About War That Started Two Hours Ago

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

PITTSBURGH — Political punk band Anti-Flag surprised fans with a brand new album titled “In Oil We Trust” inspired by Iran’s bombing of Iraqi military bases housing American troops two hours ago, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Some people might think we already had these songs ready to go, but they would be wrong,” said bassist Chris Barker. “We’ve kind of been taking it easy, just rewatching some old seasons of ‘The Great British Bake Off’ together. But this bombing woke us up and we are hoping that the album can also be a wakeup call for everyone else too. We wrote 18 songs within 45 minutes, recorded them in one take, and went right to the factory with the masters to get the album pressed. It should already be on the shelves of any reputable record store.”

Fans of the band reacted positively to the new release.

“When I heard the news about the conflict in the Middle East ramping up I figured I would have to wait at least a month before I heard anything from one of my favorite punk bands,” said longtime fan Mike “Skiz” O’Halloran. “But no, this album delivers on all levels and the liner notes have an interesting history of how American sanctions in Iran have affected innocent civilians and how defense contractors stand to benefit from another war.”

“Plus the song ‘White House Walls Bleed Red’ fucking rips,” added Skiz.

Anti-Flag is expected to embark on a full North American tour within the next five minutes in support of the record.

T-Shirt Worn Under Hoodie Considered Clean for Foreseeable Future

Posted on by Nick Conway

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local slob Brian Helmes decreed today that the T-shirt he’s worn under his hoodie for the past 17 days is still clean, and predicted the shirt will carry that distinction through the coming months.

“I honestly don’t think I’ve done laundry in weeks, because it’s fucking freezing out and the washer and dryer are in the cold basement,” said Helmes as he pulled his hoodie over his head, concealing a well-worn music festival T-shirt. “I figure, why would I wear a new shirt every single day, when no one has even seen me wear this one? That’s a waste of a perfectly good shirt. It wasn’t exposed to spilled coffee, mustard stains, or anything else that would make me consider the shirt dirty. Therefore, it’s perfectly clean.”

Helmes’s friends suspected he hadn’t changed his shirt in quite some time when he removed his hoodie yesterday, revealing a stretched and heavily pit-stained T-shirt that allegedly smelled like the “inside of a garbage can.”

“When Brian removed his hoodie and the smell hit us, it was like when you microwave a frozen dinner and pull off the plastic film: the stench filled the room so fast I got lightheaded. I can still feel it in my core,” said longtime friend Greg Poole. “I’m not sure if we need to have an intervention or something, but this cannot continue. He could hurt someone.”

However, no one is more aware of Helmes’s wardrobe decisions than his mother and “roommate,” Nancy Helmes.

“That shirt. That goddamn shirt,” said the matriarch. “I’ve told him to wash that thing more times than I can count, but every single time he tells me the same thing — ‘I’ll probably wear it tomorrow.’ I was going to sneak into his bedroom and wash it for him in the middle of the night but he fell asleep in it. I’ve been thinking of the best way to ruin the shirt so he finally gets rid of it, but the only idea I’ve had is filling a water balloon with pee and throwing it at him. A mother shouldn’t have to do that.”

Sources predict that, as the weather gets colder, Helmes will also wear his only pair of wool socks throughout the entire winter without a wash.

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