T-Shirt Worn Under Hoodie Considered Clean for Foreseeable Future

Posted on by Nick Conway

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local slob Brian Helmes decreed today that the T-shirt he’s worn under his hoodie for the past 17 days is still clean, and predicted the shirt will carry that distinction through the coming months.

“I honestly don’t think I’ve done laundry in weeks, because it’s fucking freezing out and the washer and dryer are in the cold basement,” said Helmes as he pulled his hoodie over his head, concealing a well-worn music festival T-shirt. “I figure, why would I wear a new shirt every single day, when no one has even seen me wear this one? That’s a waste of a perfectly good shirt. It wasn’t exposed to spilled coffee, mustard stains, or anything else that would make me consider the shirt dirty. Therefore, it’s perfectly clean.”

Helmes’s friends suspected he hadn’t changed his shirt in quite some time when he removed his hoodie yesterday, revealing a stretched and heavily pit-stained T-shirt that allegedly smelled like the “inside of a garbage can.”

“When Brian removed his hoodie and the smell hit us, it was like when you microwave a frozen dinner and pull off the plastic film: the stench filled the room so fast I got lightheaded. I can still feel it in my core,” said longtime friend Greg Poole. “I’m not sure if we need to have an intervention or something, but this cannot continue. He could hurt someone.”

However, no one is more aware of Helmes’s wardrobe decisions than his mother and “roommate,” Nancy Helmes.

“That shirt. That goddamn shirt,” said the matriarch. “I’ve told him to wash that thing more times than I can count, but every single time he tells me the same thing — ‘I’ll probably wear it tomorrow.’ I was going to sneak into his bedroom and wash it for him in the middle of the night but he fell asleep in it. I’ve been thinking of the best way to ruin the shirt so he finally gets rid of it, but the only idea I’ve had is filling a water balloon with pee and throwing it at him. A mother shouldn’t have to do that.”

Sources predict that, as the weather gets colder, Helmes will also wear his only pair of wool socks throughout the entire winter without a wash.

Game Freak Confirms That Pokéball is Short for ‘Pocket Ball’

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

TOKYO — Putting years of speculation by the Pokémon fan community to rest, Game Freak team lead Shigeru Ohmori confirmed to members of the press that the name of the Pokémon series’ iconic red and white pokéball is, in fact, a portmanteau of the words “pocket” and “ball.”

“There are plenty of secrets hiding in each and every Pokémon game, and we’re always impressed by the passionate Pokémon lovers around the world who discover them,” began Mr. Ohmori in a prepared statement, congratulating fans online who worked together for several years to unravel the mystery. “Of course, Pokémon itself is short for ‘pocket monsters.’ Until now, however, no one had put together that pokéballs are pocket balls, used to store pocket monsters in a pocket monster trainer’s poké, or pocket.”

Fans online were quick to celebrate the news in the /r/Pokemon subreddit where the theory originated.

“We did it, everyone! Amazing detective work, or should I say Detective Pikachu work, LOL,” said user Sableye_Spy in a recent thread pinned to the subreddit. “And kudos to Game Freak and the Pokémon Company for making such an exciting, immersive world. Who knows, maybe soon we’ll also get confirmation that Pokémart stands for pocket mart! That seems like it could definitely be possible, even though it used to seem so FARFETCH’D, lul!”

“This is bullshit, I’m really disappointed in Game Freak,” said another user, th4v3ry_b3st. “Real fans know that pokéball is short for ‘pokémon ball’. If it were supposed to be pocket ball, it would be called a ‘pokéba’ to be consistent with the way the words pocket and monster are combined. This is just lazy retconning and proves that Game Freak is totally out of touch. I’m boycotting this series for the rest of my life.”

At press time, Mr. Ohmori had confirmed another long standing fan theory in a follow-up Q&A that Ash Ketchum has, in fact, been a coma for the entire Pokémon anime.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: I Was Only Crying Because the Tattoo Artist Was Doing Such a Good Job

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I think it’s time for me to come clean. Yes, I did cry the entire when I got my new tattoo, but it wasn’t because I was in any sort of pain like people are saying. I was crying because the tattoo artist was doing such an amazing job.

Unlike the people who spread this nasty rumor, I don’t have a problem showing others how I feel. When I see that the tattoo artist is doing fantastic work, I’ll let him know it. If that satisfaction comes through in the form of relentless sobbing, then so be it.

When I shouted “Holy fucking shitballs this hurts so much please stop” seven times in a row, it wasn’t because I was in any physical pain. Rather, the emotions that I felt as I saw the tattoo artist’s expert craftsmanship at work were simply too much to bear.

It was like witnessing God mold Eve from Adam’s rib, except replace God with Jerry the tattoo artist and Eve with a Guns and Roses tattoo on my ass.

And don’t think for a second that I’m scared of the needle on the tattoo gun. I love needles, especially when they are puncturing my skin. It’s because of this love that I keep my distance from them, because absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Honestly, It’s the people who sit there quietly while the tattoo artist works that really bug me. How is the artist going to know if they’re doing a good job if you’re just sitting there and making small talk with them? I personally think it’s weird if you aren’t being held down by two other tattoo artists during your session.

I know it seems confusing because whenever we watch sad movies I cry and I tell you it’s because I sat on a thumbtack. Well, it’s simple. If it looks like I’m crying because of my feelings, it’s actually because I have been seriously injured. If it looks like I’m crying because of pain, it’s because of my emotions!

It’s clear that the people spreading these terrible lies about me don’t know how to appreciate good art. People cry all the time when they see the Mona Lisa, so why can’t I cry while getting a bitchin’ tramp stamp?

Horrible Roommate Excited to Be One with Grievance for Once

Posted on by Brendan Krick

EUGENE, Ore. — Perpetually inconsiderate roommate Michael Chabot was thrilled yesterday to discover a giant pile of garbage in his shared kitchen, knowing he finally had a reason to be the one complaining, sources within the three bedroom apartment confirmed.

“I haven’t been this excited since I was a kid on Christmas morning. When I saw that trash everywhere, I nearly shit my pants,” said Chabot, who just last week smashed every plate in the house for an “art project.” “Everyone is always trying to make new rules to keep me from living my life: I can’t walk around naked anymore, I can’t light off fireworks in the bathtub… I can’t even spend my rent money on cool shit like beer. I finally have the upper hand.”

Abby Florio, the most senior tenant of the house, admitted she regrets ever letting Chabot move in.

“Everything was cool for about the first week of him living here… but as soon as he got comfortable, things went to shit. He started breeding ferrets in our living room and a couple of them made a nest in the couch. I think they’re still in there,” said Florio. “And he always eats our food, but if we complain about it he’ll puke the food back into the box and stash it in the cupboard like nothing’s wrong. So passive-aggressive.”

However, the property’s landlord did take some sort of responsibility for the trash situation.

“I was doing a quick walk-through to replace the smoke detector batteries when I noticed a smell coming from the closet in one of the tenant’s rooms,” said building owner Gary Tobin. “I can’t fully explain the mess… there was a lot of rotting pumpkins, burnt pillows, and the walls were soaking wet with a brownish liquid. There was also a heavily soiled litter box that I think he used when he didn’t want to walk to the bathroom. I’m pretty sure they don’t have a cat.”

Chabot plans to confront his roommates about the mess as soon as he’s done pawning the communal television.

Photo by Patreon patron Michael Chabot.

Scientists Discover Earth is Heating Up Due to Some Guy Hitting Consecutive Shots in ‘NBA Jam’

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

WASHINGTON — Climate scientists unveiled their findings today that the Earth’s temperature is rising because some dude named Jeremy has made consecutive shots while playing the arcade game NBA Jam.

“We do not know what Jeremy’s last name is at this time, but once he figured out when to use the turbo button, he’s become one bad mamma jamma at the game,” Head of Climate Studies Dr. Rivaldi said at a press conference. “The guy just can’t miss a shot, leading us and the announcer of the game to realize that he, and thus the Earth itself, is in fact ‘heating up.’”

The scientists continued to show their findings, revealing that if Jeremy makes a third consecutive shot in the game his character, and the Earth itself, will catch on fire.

“This is a common metaphor used by sports broadcasters to convey when a basketball player has become basically unstoppable, but we’re afraid NBA Jam takes this phrase literally,” Junior Analyst Dr. Barkley added. “Once this random dude named Jeremy hits that third shot, not only will the opposing player be in major trouble, but so will the rest of humanity. The number of casualties will be as catastrophic as the dunks unleashed will be totally insane.”

Attendees, which included diplomats from around the world, as well as dozens of senators, looked on as footage was shown projecting how many times Jeremy would dunk on his opponent. The graphic then showed how the Earth would concurrently posterize the polar ice caps, melting it down to a pathetic whimpering little ice cube. Many looked on in horror, but some were dubious of what they were shown.

“This Jeremy fellow, and the Earth, seems far away from going kaboom on anyone,” Senator Mitch McConnell said after the presentation. “Jeremy may be able to dunk, but he lacks the fundamentals. He has absolutely no outside game. Jeremy will get the ball stolen before he can possibly make that third shot. I believe in Karl Malone’s defense more than I do Penny Hardaway’s offensive abilities.”

As of press time, Jeremy’s opponent Darren says he is trying to run down the clock before he makes his move, running from side to side and kind of playing a lame form of keep away, but potentially saving the human race from global destruction.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Jason Rosenberg.

Actually, I’m Allowed to Say It Because Both of My Parents Are 100% Boomer

Posted on by John Danek

The word “boomer” contains decades–nay, millennia–of pain, hatred, and abuse. Millennials toss it around flippantly, making it the punchline of hurtful, problematic jokes. In an age of progress, the use of this racial-ish epithet is a major step backwards.

But I’m allowed to say it.

Why? Because both of my parents are full-blooded, 100% Boomers. So technically speaking, I have a genetic pass to use the Boom word because of my DNA. I will unapologetically continue to use it.

But just because I say boomer around you constantly doesn’t mean that you have the same ability. This privilege doesn’t offset the systemic hurdles we boomer children must overcome. So just stop. It still stings when I see that word in tweets by those who aren’t a Person of Boomer.

In a way, I’m kinda taking the word back. It’s kinda like how gays took back the F word, and you can only say it if you have one or two gay friends and they’re not around.

My mom was born in 1956, and my dad 1955. You can’t get any more boomer than that. Peak boomer age. When they were young, everyone said it. Hell, even President Nixon showed a rare sign of moral ambiguity by using it with vitriolic tone on secret tape recordings in the White House.

And if it angers you that you can’t say “boomer,” I want you to take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself why you want to say it in the first place. Why does it make you feel “cool” to be able to say it? As someone who uses it regularly, I promise you that the world would be better off if this word were never created.

But I cannot change the past; “boomer” exists and is used to sling hate back and forth on social media. I’m going to say that your heritage should be at least 3/4 Boomer before you can get a pass for the word. And the rules apply at all times. No, it’s not OK for you to say it in your car, even if you’re by yourself. And don’t you dare say it at karaoke, when you’re singing “Rocket” by Beyoncé.

Friend Will Be Live on College Radio Station From 1 A.M. to 4 A.M. If You Want to Tune In

Posted on by James Webster

CARSON CITY, Nev. — Your good friend Tony Suarez will make his radio debut tonight with his punk band The Republicants during your prime sleeping hours, and he’d reportedly love it if you’d tune in to show your support, you reported while scrambling for an excuse good enough to avoid listening.

“The first hour, we’re going to talk about the process of recording our demo: we have a bunch of hilarious stories, like when I thought I ordered pizza from Merducci’s, but I accidentally ordered it from Sal’s,” said Suarez as you politely nodded and let out a half-hearted giggle. “Then we’re going to play live in-studio for the next two hours. We only have 16 minutes of songs prepared, so we’ll probably jam a little, maybe do some covers… but we’ll most likely just play our set three or four times in a row until the show ends. Like we do every week.”

You’re not alone in your trepidation, as other friends are also not particularly interested in staying up to listen to what will most certainly be a trainwreck.

“Tony told me I can listen by tuning my radio dial to KPRK 86.4, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen numbers go that low. I tried going to the station’s website to see if they had a live stream, but I got redirected to a site with feet getting peed on, and now I think my computer has a virus,” said mutual friend Emma Parker. “And I know I need to listen because Tony still hasn’t forgiven me for not showing up to his poetry open mic two years ago. He knows how to hold a grudge.”

However, KPRK’s early morning DJ Kelvin “The Desert Jackrabbit” Barker is excited that you and your friends will be tuning in.

“Our typical demographic consists of people guilted into listening, people who left their radio on as background noise to sleep, and people involved in car wrecks where their radio gets knocked down to our station in the impact. Either way, we’re excited to have everyone on board,” said Barker while loading up two consectuive hours of Arcade Fire. “Last week we broke records by having eight concurrent listeners. We hope to hit double digits tonight.”

As of press time, you were seen at a nearby Walgreens trying to buy C batteries for a radio you dug out of your parents’ basement.

Aspiring Symphony Musician Seeks 20 Violinists, 10 Violists, 10 Cellists, 10 Bassists, Two Flautists, Two Clarinetists, Two Bassoonists, Two Oboists, Three Trumpet Players, Three Trombonists, One Tubist, Three Percussionists, One Timpanist, and No Drama

Posted on by Cory Cousins

BOISE, Idaho — Ambitious music school graduate Fritz Stokowski took to the streets with flyers yesterday, advertising auditions for a new, drama-free symphony orchestra, bemused witnesses confirmed.

“I want this group to be purely about the music, and not about the booze, drugs, and orgies at intermission, like the degenerates at the California Symphony are known for,” explained Stokowski, the orchestra founder. “That’s why I highlighted the ‘SERIOUS APPLICANTS ONLY’ line on the flyer: the last thing I need is some pillhead, jerk-off oboist wasting my time. I’m not trying for some bush league bullshit. I want the real deal.”

The flyer immediately drew the attention of many neighborhood residents.

“You see ‘musicians wanted’ posters around this area all the time for things like garage bands… but I’ve never seen one so ambitious that they wanted to start up an entire symphony orchestra,” recalled neighbor Pamela Higgins. “I’m not sure what the business model here would be. Are they going to play local shows at VFW halls until some concert hall asks them to play the ‘Star Wars’ score? Based off of what bands normally make per gig, I figure these musicians will take home around 17 cents each after it’s all split up.”

One potential applicant has already met with Stokowski about potentially joining the lineup, but sadly, it did not sound like a match.

“Yeah… within two seconds of talking to that toolbag, I knew it was gonna be a hard pass for me,” said local bassoonist and scumbag Jimmy “Double Reed” Cummiskey. “Too many rules for me, man: no drinking during rehearsal and zero tolerance for snorting rails backstage. He wouldn’t let me bring my ferrets, and I can’t even obnoxiously flirt with all of my female colleagues. I have my reputation to look out for — they don’t call me the ‘Bad Boy of Bassoon’ for nothing!”

At press time, Stokowski had yet to reach his goal of recruiting 70 musicians, and will instead start a “stripped down” folk-punk band with the 54 musicians he recruited.

Ranked: Every Single Jewish Video Game Character Ever

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As gamers, we don’t do enough to celebrate the vast history of Jewish heritage in video games, and we here at Hard Drive want to set that straight. It may be a monumental task to sort through every single Jewish video game character ever and rank them in a definitive list, but we pored through all four and spent countless seconds categorizing them. And of course, for the sake of saving time, we only included characters that originated in video games, as opposed to every single Jewish character who appeared in one ever. That would obviously take several more minutes.

There’s always gonna be disagreements, so feel free to voice them in the comments below, but here’s our official take on the ranking of every single Jewish video game character ever!

#4 — Andrew Ryan (BioShock, 2007)

Andrew Ryan is the Ayn Randian villain of BioShock and the creator of the underwater city Rapture, where most of the series takes place. As a stark objectivist and businessman, Ryan refers to people with left-wing political viewpoints as “parasites” and sees altruism as the root of all evil, perhaps a response to his history as a Belarusian Jew who fled the Bolshevik Revolution. Kev Levine’s Andrew Ryan is an interesting character with a deep backstory that sets up the world of BioShock fantastically.  Unfortunately, however, Ryan represents 25% of all Jews in gaming by being a greedy money-hungry villain and as a result, he gets last place on our list. Sorry, Andrew!

#3 — Dr. Hal “Otacon” Emmerich (Metal Gear Solid, 1998)

Named after HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey and otaku culture, the nerdy Metal Gear scientist Otacon ranks third on our list — or second-to-last, if you’re a pessimist. According to Wikipedia, Otacon is listed as Jewish because “Marissa Meli of UGO placed him at third place on her 2010 list of the greatest Jewish characters in video games,” and that’s all the info we can find. Hold on, ten characters?! Who are the other six? And…. the link is dead. Oh well! 

#2 — Meryl Silverburgh (Metal Gear Solid, 1998)

Congratulations to Hideo Kojima for fitting 50% of this list into one video game and the only Jewish woman in video games! Obviously, the name Meryl Silverburgh is pretty Jewy to begin with, but Wikipedia’s only reference to her Judaism is once again Marissa Meli of UGO’s pesky 2010 list. That being said, Wikipedia also makes note of the various (and we mean various) lists that rank Silverburgh as having one of the best ever fictional asses. That’s good enough to land the #2 spot on our list!

#1 — B.J. Blazkowicz (Wolfenstein 3D, 1992)

Aside from being an absolute Nazi-killing badass motherfucker, B.J. Blazkowicz, a.k.a. Billy Blaze, automatically wins our list for being the only playable Jew in video games. Hell fuckin yea.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: No One I Sold Oregano to in High School Should Be President

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

Lock. Him. Up. That’s what I wish I could say about Pete Buttigieg, but unfortunately, that dork is way too lame to be MY president. I’m speaking from first-hand experience here. I went to high school with Buttigieg. In addition to this super original nickname I gave him (just try and guess!) I was also his weed dealer. Correction: I was a weed dealer who he thought he was buying weed from. But I identified that little nerd as a mark from a mile away and sold him oregano on the weekly. 

He seems like a swell guy but I am a hard line voter on this issue. No one I sold oregano to in high school will ever receive my vote for city council — let alone the President of the greatest country ever known.

Years ago I saw that my old client Pete “the Gieg” Buttigieg was running for Mayor so I did a little research on the guy and found out he was on the team at McKinsey that tried to privatize the post office. Can you believe that bullshit?! What a Gieghole!

But more importantly to the voting public, in high school Pete Buttigieg didn’t know what weed smelled like. He’d take the bag (still marked “oregano” by the way) and take a big sniff and say, “Mmm that weed smells neat!” I’d call him a narc but at least narcs can recognize the difference between drugs and my mom’s seasoning cabinet.

Oh also, I heard from Johnny Q (my boy from South Bend prep who used to “share” Pete’s homework) that the black police chief he fired was actually let go because Buttigieg thought he “smelled like weed.” You know what that means? This racist asshole fired some guy for eating pizza!

Plus, he called my parents’ place a couple of times after he got elected mayor and asked my mom if I still “sold any of that stuff from high school.” However, I don’t scam people anymore. I’m a used car salesman. That said, I’m not one to turn down 60 bucks for 3 dollars of oregano so we’re meeting up next week.

Ugh. Just thinking about that smug bastard smoking oregano in the Oval Office while ordering drone strikes makes my blood boil. We cannot allow this to happen.

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