In Stunning Power Play, Man Acquires Woman’s Parents During Breakup Negotiations

Posted on by John Danek

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Civil engineer Daniel Barley obtained sole custody of ex-girlfriend Alicia Kressen’s parents yesterday during the dissolution of their relationship, completing a landmark case that could influence breakups for years to come.

“People may assume I’m some kind of monster for taking my ex-girlfriend’s parents after we broke up, but the truth is Mr. and Mrs. Kressen simply deserve better,” claimed Barley in a press conference on the steps of a downtown Alburquerque Denny’s. “And let’s focus on what Alicia did retain in the breakup: a bong I never used, a JUUL I never used, and the naming rights to her children, which I fought hard for but ultimately lost. She wants to name her first-born son RAZR — and not like, in some ironic way, either. She thinks it’s really cool.”

The elder Kressens were surprisingly excited.

“Did you know Daniel is an engineer with a degree from Carnegie Mellon University?” asked Doris Kressen, Daniel’s new, second mother, with a detectable hint of pride in her voice. “The only degree our daughter ever got was a third-degree burn from a botched piercing attempt. She never met her potential, and quite frankly, we’re sick of trying to steer her down the right path. Daniel deserves better; we all do. We look forward to having him come over on all major holidays and eventually take care of our end-of-life care.”

Barley’s lawyer further explained the ramifications of the groundbreaking case.

“The parties all agreed that Daniel Barley now has four parents, while Alicia Kressen has none. And Alicia is forbidden from speaking to the media, lest she lose custody of her three remaining grandparents… though as far as the law is concerned, they weren’t married, and there wasn’t actually a trial or judge,” explained Barley’s lawyer William Donahue. “So this exercise was functionally pointless and isn’t legally binding. But, they both agreed to abide by the terms, and I get paid either way.”

While Alicia’s legal team has no plans to appeal the decision, anonymous sources confirmed she will continue to protest by banging Barley’s younger brother, Scotty.

Unhinged Maniac Rigs NES to Explode If SMB3 Speedrunner Lets Mario Drop Below P-Speed

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

ORLANDO, Fla. — Sending waves of terror rippling throughout the streamer’s Twitch chat, an unhinged maniac rigged an NES to explode if Super Mario Bros. 3 speedrunner SuperFamiKid let Mario drop below P-Speed, panicked sources confirmed.

“There’s a bomb on the NES. Once Mario reaches P-Speed, the bomb is armed. If he drops below P-Speed, the bomb blows up. What do you do now?” said the ragged, intimidating voice over a payphone call that was being broadcast to the entire Twitch stream. “By the way, for anyone who doesn’t know, P-speed refers to the maximum running speed that Mario can attain, and the name comes from the little P meter at the bottom of the screen. So that’s just a bit of Mario speedrunning history for you. Thanks for having me on the stream, by the way. Really big fan.”

SuperFamiKid reacted to the news calmly and firmly, trying to keep his composure to reassure his chat and maintain the world record pace of his run.

“I just checked underneath the console during that animation I couldn’t skip, and he’s telling the truth. There’s a bomb in here,” said SuperFamiKid, pausing to thank a member of his chat who had just gifted him a Twitch Prime sub. “I need to maintain P-speed at all times now. And you might not know this, but whenever Mario is swimming or climbing, the P-meter doesn’t go down, so I’ll probably use that strat a few times during the run to conserve momentum and also so that I don’t die.”

At press time, SuperFamiKid’s Twitch chat had begun appropriately reacting to the tense situation with a stream of MonkaS emotes.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Not a Good Sign: Time Travelers Keep Trying to Kill My Baby

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Quick, need some mommy advice ASAP. About once a week, usually after getting my eight-month-old son to sleep, there’s a bright crackle of lightning in the kitchen, then a nude man frantically running into the nursery screaming “we must stop him before he destroys us all” or “sic semper tyrannis” or some such bull pucky.

Yep, Time travelers keep trying to murder my innocent little baby. Talk about bad luck! First, my son had terrible acid reflux, and now this.

Have any moms out there ever run into something similar? And if so, how did you handle time-hopping assassins trying to prevent your child’s brutal crimes against humanity before they begin? I tried asking a few mommy groups on Facebook but they just spammed me with nutty anti-vaxxer memes. So I figured I would try my luck here instead.

So far, I’ve been “handling” these chrono-treking sons of guns by viciously bludgeoning them to a bloody pulp. Talk about momma bear instincts, right? But it’s not a practical solution as I’m running out of room in my crawl space. Plus, the sound of nude corpses smacking the linoleum floor almost always wakes up the baby.

One solution I considered was tracking down the living ancestors of these would-be child murderers and sterilizing them, thus erasing the assassins from history and freeing up room in my crawl space for my ski gear. But I wanted to get other parents’ two cents first.

Besides the frustrations of hiding corpses and removing blood stains from a Land’s End sweater, I just don’t get how anyone could look at my sweet, adorable, cherub-faced little angel and say he’s a genocidal maniac hell-bent on ethnically cleansing the world of impure blood.

Ah well, I reckon I’ll just have to instill a deep, resentful distrust in my son of anyone that looks different than us until this whole time-leaping assassin malarky blows over.

BMX Rider Puts on Best Hatebreed Shirt to Officiate Wedding

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

NYACK, N.Y. — Local BMX rider Duncan Turley allegedly spent months preserving his cleanest Hatebreed shirt, all to officiate the wedding of Ashley Genoa and Trey Beringer last weekend.

“I feel like the sentiment is really beautiful: it’s like, my guy here is so happy with Ashley that he’s killing his desire to be with other chicks, you know? So romantic,” Turley said, adjusting the T-shirt emblazoned with the iconic “Satisfaction Is the Death of Desire” album cover on the back and Hatebreed logo in flames across the chest. “Sure, I could’ve pulled out my least pit-stained Shai Hulud shirt for this, or that oversized Poison the Well hoodie I’ve had since 2001, but I’m not just a guest today — I’m a man of the cloth. Only the nicest merch will do.”

The ceremony took place inside the Congers VFW, where Genoa’s metalcore band Animal Control had their first, third, and final shows.

“Ashley really wanted the ceremony to encapsulate the things she loves: Trey, her family, and the fact that she will die beating the shit out of anyone who messes with her crew,” maid of honor McKenzie Lin reported. “I think the choreographed floorpunch to Indecision’s ‘Hallowed Be Thy Name’ while she walked down the aisle really encapsulated that — we rehearsed for literally hours at the bachelorette party. I’m kind of hoping a video of it gets uploaded to YouTube. Who knows, maybe Ellen will have us on her show.”

Although Turley kept his “formal Hatebreed T-shirt” in mint condition since purchasing it in 1999, not everyone was pleased with his choice of attire.

“I was a little confused why the priest was wearing a shirt that said ‘Hatebreed,’ and why he drank beer during the whole ceremony… as well as before, and for several hours after,” said the bride’s grandmother Lucy Dellucci. “I heard Jamey Jasta got sober, so that’s just disrespectful.”

At press time, the reception had gone through over 4,000 cases of Monster Energy Drink and sold out of “Ashley and Trey 4 Lyfe” hoodies and basketball shorts in just 20 minutes.

Vacationing Gamer Impressed With How True Florence Is to ‘Assassin’s Creed 2’

Posted on by Ashley Oh

FLORENCE, Italy — College freshman Dan Peters was left speechless earlier this morning, claiming he was stunned at the level of detail Florence has in accordance with Ubisoft’s Assassin’s Creed 2.

“It looks just like the game,” said Peters, pausing to marvel at the famous Santa Maria del Fiore dome while zooming in with his iPhone 6 camera. “They got every detail right. The red color of the brick is totally accurate and the rooftops look exactly how they did on my Xbox 360. This place is nuts!”

Dan’s mother, Joan Peters, was also impressed. “I didn’t know Dan was such a history buff,” she explained. “We thought he’d never agree to a family vacation, but he’s really getting into it. He seems to know so much about Florence already.”

As his mother and sister geared up to take a family photo in front of the cathedral, sources say that Peters hung back and fondly touched the building’s exterior. “It feels like coming home,” the 19-year old Illinois native said with a contented sigh. “The mind might forget at first, but the body remembers.”

The rest of the tour group then reportedly struggled to listen over the sounds of Dan talking to himself, which lasted for about 45 more painstaking minutes.

“I hate this stupid building. I remember trying to get that fucking feather. I spent so much time trying to climb those little pegs or whatever on the outside of the dome. It’s all there,” he shook his head in disbelief. “Damn…I have to replay this game.”

A fellow member of the tour group was not impressed with Dan’s enthusiasm. “Every couple of minutes that kid looks around and asks ‘Where’s the hay?’ in a weird voice,” said the agitated tourist. “Whatever that’s in reference to, he needs to stop. I paid a lot of money for this trip.”

When asked what it was like to walk over Florence’s oldest bridge, the Ponte Vecchio, Dan became visibly agitated. “I dunno. I just felt really stressed out the whole time,” he shrugged, desperately trying not to think of the side quest he failed at that location six times in a row. “I’m not sure why, but I didn’t really care for it.”

At press time, Dan and his family were reportedly trudging behind another group of tourists while Dan bragged that he could climb to the roof in 5 minutes if they would only let him.

Favorite Band Playing Favorite Song Still Loses Woman’s Applause to Holding a Warm PBR

Posted on by John Danek

LOS ANGELES — Local punk and diehard Interrobanged! fan Heather McGowan didn’t clap when the band played her “favorite song of all time,” thanks to the warm, flat Pabst Blue Ribbon she was holding in her hands, shocked concertgoers observed.

“I couldn’t believe it: we’ve been going to Interrobanged! shows together since we were 15, and she always flips her shit when they play ‘Pre-Apocalyptic Fiction,’” explained McGowan’s best friend Steven Torres. “But she had the same muted reaction you’d have hearing Third Eye Blind in the grocery store. I genuinely felt bad for the band — they deserve better than this, and honestly, so does everyone else who came out tonight.”

McGowan’s indifference did not go unnoticed by the members of Interrobanged!, some of whom were barely consolable recounting the incident.

“Heather DM’ed us on Twitter and asked specifically if we would play ‘Pre-Apocalyptic Fiction,’ which wasn’t even in our setlist,” said keyboardist Mark Haight. “I picked her out from the crowd based on her profile pic and watched her as we finished the song… and she looked like she just got the news that her cholesterol levels are fine.”

“I think there was a glint of a smile, but she didn’t even do that thing where you slap your thigh with one hand because the beer is in the other,” agreed bassist Farrah Bigelow. “She was actually double-palming the PBR tallboy like it was cocoa on a cold winter day. What the hell? God, I hate our fans sometimes.”

Despite the negative reaction, McGowan remained steadfast in her decision to cradle her cheap beer with relative nonchalance.

“Yeah, that song is my favorite song ever, and I don’t ever see another song dethroning it,” proclaimed McGowan between sips of backwash-laden lukewarm lager. “But PBR is my 18th favorite beer… and music doesn’t get you drunk. I’m not a kid anymore — I know the audience is going to cheer and whoop, so why do I need to? They can’t hear my individual clapping.”

In an even more disturbing twist, anonymous sources indicate that when the band asked “how the fuck” the audience was doing, McGowan didn’t even let out a “Woo!”

I Respect Joe Rogan Because He Presents Both Sides of Liberals Wanting to Rip Our Dicks Off

Posted on by Dan Rice

In the age of identity politics, we as a society have completely forgotten that it’s okay to disagree! Fake news and tribalism have divided us into camps, which is exactly what the left wants. Luckily our media is not completely devoid of people who understand balance and nuance. Joe Rogan is both a bro and a pothead. With a host who so perfectly encapsulates the full spectrum of human thought, his show is uniquely suited to heal the divide and stop the libs from castrating every last straight white man on this earth.

Rogan’s podcast isn’t a platform for hate mongers like the liberal media paints it to be. It is a forum for freethinkers to express their views. You can tell they are freethinkers by how adamantly they believe liberals want to rip our dicks off. You gotta really dig through the bullshit to see your way to that truth, homie.

They want to rip our fucking dicks off you guys.

You don’t have to be on Onnit to see that Joe is the last bastion of unbiased journalism. I am on Onnit though, and Lion’s Mane mushroom coffee (2 cups a day,) plus I’ve done DMT a few times so let me just go ahead and break it down for you.

Joe isn’t afraid to have on guests who have a wide variety of viewpoints. Just last week he had on a blogger who believed liberals want to rip all our dicks right off for TOTALLY DIFFERENT REASONS than Joe believes liberals want to rip our dicks off! And guess what? They had a perfectly civil discussion despite their differences. They learned from each other and gained newfound respect for one another’s differing viewpoints. It’s called discourse everybody.

People, and by “people” I obviously mean anyone who isn’t a registered democrat as they are all complicit in child sex slavery, need to remember the lost art of conversation. No matter what side of the spectrum of believing these fucking libs want to just up and rip our cocks off that his guests come from, Rogan manages to get them to relax and open up.

Whether you’re a dude who was way into Howard Stern or a dude who was way into Opie and Anthony, Joe Rogan will definitely be the smartest person you have ever listened to.

Overly Honest Man Announces Marriage to Fourth- or Fifth-Best Friend in the World

Posted on by John Danek

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Newly engaged and unnecessarily honest groom-to-be Blake Sorrentino announced at a dinner gathering last Friday that he is set to wed his “fourth- or fifth-best friend” Sofia Copeland later this year.

“I’m so excited to spend my days hanging with my fourth, maybe fifth-best friend in the entire world, Sofia,” Sorrentino told friends and family. “I want to assure all my dudes here sharing this moment that this marriage will not affect our hangs at all. We’ll still bro down every Saturday, no matter what.”

“Sophia is the love of my life, but the knuckleheads I’ve been friends with since preschool still pull rank,” Sorrentino continued in the announcement. “Whenever any of you need a place to crash, we will always have a spot for you, since Sophia’s dad is helping us buy a house.”

Copeland claimed she was not offended by Sorrentino’s ostensibly backhanded compliment.

“Of course I’m his fourth-best friend: he’s known those guys for literal decades,” said Copeland while drinking her sixth glass of wine. “It’s an honor to be in his top 10, period. I mean, who wants to be best friends with their spouse anyways? It’s kinda sad when people say that. At least, that’s what Blake tells me as I try to sleep through my tears.”

Tyler Wort, Sorrentino’s purported “absolute” best friend, defended his compatriot.

“I mean, come on: men and women can’t be best friends. That’s just weird. Especially if they’re boning,” explained Wort. “So I’m glad Sorrentino made it clear where we all stand — it’s for the best. And honestly, I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest to have a best friend who can bench 300 pounds.”

However, sources close to the couple indicate the engagement may be on the rocks after Copeland revealed she’s ecstatic to marry the ninth-biggest penis with which she’s ever fooled around.

Two Fully Grown Male Punks Ram Spiked Heads in Pit to Impress Potential Mate

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SEATTLE — Two adult punk males repeatedly collided their heads together yesterday attempting to display dominance to impress a nearby female, sources amazed by the breathtaking mating ritual confirmed.

“When male punks reach maturity, they become extremely aggressive and horny. Punk shows are often a place for these males to perform complex dance moves to impress a nearby mate, or prove their bravery by stage diving,” said punk fan and amateur zoologist Sherri Kadi. “However, this can often lead to violence when a male detects any sort of threat to their masculinity. That’s especially true in the heightened arena of a mosh pit: with the amount of gel some of them carry in their hair, those spikes are like weapons.”

Indeed, witnesses who had never seen punks attempt to mate were taken aback.

“Everyone was having a good time… until those two males both approached the same young female with bright purple hair. After a brief feeling out period, one of them ripped their shirt off and all hell broke loose,” said local punk Drew Himmelreich. “They cleared a space in the middle of the pit and started slamming their heads together, making these guttural, grunting sounds I’ve only seen in documentaries. It was beautiful and brutal all at the same time — it sounded like a snare drum each time they collided.”

After squaring off, the two men fell to the floor, exhausted and bloody with no clear winner. Tasha Sablinski, the female over whom the males fought, was still undecided after the battle.

“They both impressed me. I mean, the smaller guy was quick on his feet and had stamina, but the big guy had longer, more colorful spikes… so I really don’t know who to choose to drink in the parking lot with later,” Sablinski said. “This is always an easier decision when one of them is mortally injured by one of the liberty spikes.”

At press time, reports indicate the larger male prevailed in courtship, while the smaller male later attempted to impress another tattooed female with a dance displaying his decorative denim vest adorned with colorful patches and studs.

Welcome to New York City! If You’re Looking for Work, I Heard Paul at Lucy’s Tavern Is Looking to Hire Someone for an Errand. Rumors? Something Fishy Has Been Happening Outside the Statue of Liberty Lately. Strange Noises. You Won’t Catch Me Anywhere Near It. And Stay Out of the Sewers. That’s Where the Thieves Live

Posted on by Kyle Erf

Why hello, Traveler! Welcome to New York City! Always good to see a new face here in town. I see you’ve come up the Jersey Passage. Not a lot of folks coming that way lately. I sure hope no highwaymen gave you trouble. Welcome! New York is divided into five districts, each with their own people, architecture, and basketball teams. This borough is called Manhattan. If you get lost around town, just look at those signs on the corners of the street and they will tell you where you are. If you need to get somewhere quickly, just press L3 to stick out your thumb and a taxi or subway train will come and pick you up—for a fee, of course! I heard Martha at the Chess Shop on Bleecker Street has discovered a new champion. Do you play the King’s game? Maybe it’s time to pay them a visit! I’ll put the location on your minimap. Although, you won’t be able to take the bridge into Williamsburg today, I’m afraid. Something big is blocking the path. I don’t know what’s going on, but I saw the police looking worried. If a police officer looks worried, that is never a good sign. You know, I grew up in this town. My parents came here for the famous pizza pies, and they stayed and opened a weapon shop. Business isn’t what it used to be, but they’re scraping by. Drop in if you have some coin to spare. I hear a child in SoHo performing some kind of magic ritual. I’d keep my distance if I were you. Never can be too careful. South of here is a bunch of water. You’ll need special equipment if you’d like to go in without drowning. Well that’s all. Goodbye.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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