COLUMBUS, Ohio — Newly engaged and unnecessarily honest groom-to-be Blake Sorrentino announced at a dinner gathering last Friday that he is set to wed his “fourth- or fifth-best friend” Sofia Copeland later this year.
“I’m so excited to spend my days hanging with my fourth, maybe fifth-best friend in the entire world, Sofia,” Sorrentino told friends and family. “I want to assure all my dudes here sharing this moment that this marriage will not affect our hangs at all. We’ll still bro down every Saturday, no matter what.”
“Sophia is the love of my life, but the knuckleheads I’ve been friends with since preschool still pull rank,” Sorrentino continued in the announcement. “Whenever any of you need a place to crash, we will always have a spot for you, since Sophia’s dad is helping us buy a house.”
Copeland claimed she was not offended by Sorrentino’s ostensibly backhanded compliment.
“Of course I’m his fourth-best friend: he’s known those guys for literal decades,” said Copeland while drinking her sixth glass of wine. “It’s an honor to be in his top 10, period. I mean, who wants to be best friends with their spouse anyways? It’s kinda sad when people say that. At least, that’s what Blake tells me as I try to sleep through my tears.”
Tyler Wort, Sorrentino’s purported “absolute” best friend, defended his compatriot.
“I mean, come on: men and women can’t be best friends. That’s just weird. Especially if they’re boning,” explained Wort. “So I’m glad Sorrentino made it clear where we all stand — it’s for the best. And honestly, I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest to have a best friend who can bench 300 pounds.”
However, sources close to the couple indicate the engagement may be on the rocks after Copeland revealed she’s ecstatic to marry the ninth-biggest penis with which she’s ever fooled around.