Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Bassist on Life Support Not Even Plugged In

Posted on January 4, 2020 by Alan Khanukaev

ROCHESTER, Minn. — Severed Reason bassist Corbin Gallo was taken off life support yesterday when doctors realized that the notifications tracking his various vitals were keeping an irregular rhythm, according to medical records.

“We were just trying to have a conversation, but those beeps from the heart monitor were all coming in at different intervals — it was impossible for us to get in the flow. Just like band practice, when it always seemed like he was playing a completely different song,” said lead guitarist and vocalist Emma MacDermott. “I know we’re a punk band, but we still need to be in the pocket… and his shitty rhythm was totally throwing us off. So we decided to just cut it. Honestly, no one seemed to notice.”

Gallo’s parents seemed relieved, hoping their son would finally move on from his unrealistic pipe dream of continued consciousness.

“We’ve gone along with this little fantasy of ‘being alive’ for long enough,” noted Corbin’s mother, Trisha. “It was fine when he was in high school, but at a certain point, it’s time to let it go and start thinking a little more practically: Corbin isn’t exactly the most vital member of society, after all. Besides, we have two other boys who I’d say are really the heart of this family — I mean, you’d definitely notice something lacking if they were gone.”

However, medical professionals were concerned by the recklessness with which Gallo’s bandmates just started ripping cords out of the wall.

“What the hell is wrong with you people? You can’t tamper with these machines — did you really think we wouldn’t notice?” said Derrick Flatleigh, the on-call physician and apparently Gallo’s only fan. “His condition is very treatable. We could’ve discharged him tomorrow if you hadn’t messed everything up. You can’t just arbitrarily euthanize him.”

At press time, the remaining band members were auditioning a nearby synth player hooked up to an EKG monitor.

Meet the Man Who Met His Wife by Approaching Her on a Bus While She Had Her Headphones on

Posted on January 4, 2020 by Michael Luis

In this day and age, it seems fewer couples are meeting organically, opting instead for dating apps and algorithmic websites to find a partner. Whatever happened to the stories our grandparents told us, like meeting at a school dance or locking eyes when reaching for the same library book? Well, that’s what makes the story of Mark and Kylie Owens so refreshing to hear.

Kylie was just simply sitting on the bus, headphones in and hood up, waiting for her stop when Mark approached her. “I just thought she was so beautiful,” said Mark of his future-wife. “And a woman that beautiful doesn’t need to wear so much makeup. I needed to let her know.”

Kylie was both flattered and excited that Mark approached her, as she had noticed him on that same bus before and thought he was cute. “I’ve always thought it was fun to play ‘hard to get’, and considered wearing my headphones a bit of a ‘subtle invitation,’ so I was thrilled that Mark came up to me. He was also taking up two spots by spreading his legs. That type of assertiveness is hot!” The two exchanged numbers before going their separate ways.

Kylie initially had second thoughts about dating a guy she met on a bus, but Mark was persistent, and his enthusiasm paid off. “She wasn’t texting me back, so I kind of just kept texting her until she did,” said Mark. “It was just cute stuff like ‘Hey’, ‘You’re so fucking hot’, and ‘What? Am I not good enough for you?’”

“I was at work and forgot my phone,” said Kylie of that fateful night. “When I returned later that night I had 35 missed texts from him. It showed me that he cared.”

They immediately started dating, spending loads of memorable nights together. They’d go to the bar to watch the football game with Mark’s friends, go to the bar to watch the hockey game with Mark’s friends, and spend cute nights snuggling on the couch while Mark played video games online with his friends. “I just wanted her to feel a part of my life,” says Mark of their relationship’s blooming period.

After only six months of dating, the lovebirds tied the knot in a dream ceremony. “It was perfect,” said Kylie of their special day. “When it came time to give our vows, he constantly interrupted mine to add more of his. He was just so excited. That’s love.”

Now husband and wife, the future is incredibly bright for this Mr. and Mrs. Owens. “It’s been such a dream come true,” said Kylie. “I haven’t stopped smiling since we met.”

“That’s because I’m constantly reminding her to smile more. She’s way prettier when she smiles,” added Mark.

Mother Shares Adorable Anecdote About Single Most Damaging Experience from Daughter’s Childhood

Posted on January 4, 2020 by James Knapp

HIAWASSEE, Ga. — Local mom Camille Belvin shared a charming anecdote during a family dinner last night about an event from which her daughter has yet to emotionally recover, mildly entertained sources confirmed.

“I was on my way back from a work trip to Orlando and, since I couldn’t find a sitter, Roxy was with me,” recalled Mrs. Belvin. “We got to the Greyhound station in Atlanta, and… gosh, I was just so frazzled, I drove off while she was still in the little girls’ room. I made it all the way home before I even realized she wasn’t in the car and had to drive all the way back!”

“That was probably the only quiet car ride I ever had,” she added while reaching to lovingly brush the back of her petrified daughter’s hair.

Despite a generally positive reception by most of the Belvin family, Roxy had a significantly different recollection of the experience.

“That was, without a doubt, the worst six hours of my life,” she recalled. “When I came out of the bathroom, my mom was just gone. I tried to ask some adults for help, but they turned out to be junkies who stole my Little Mermaid backpack my mom bought me at Disney World. Then, while I was crying in the waiting area, the station manager told me that if I didn’t have a ticket, I had to wait outside. It was fucking February!”

Roxy’s boyfriend and dinner guest Lucious Stone also thought the anecdote was odd, given the gross parental neglect exhibited.

“It seemed strange that she brought it up at all… let alone how flippantly she described everything,” he said. “I guess it kind of makes sense for a parent to try to paint their fuck-ups in the best light possible — hell, just ask that piece-of-work father of mine about the time he got drunk before my violin recital and tried to fight the assistant principal. It’s the most hilarious story he’s got.”

Sources later corrected that the Little Mermaid backpack was not purchased at Disney World Orlando, but rather a WalMart outside Tampa Bay.

Opinion: The Words “And Twins” Used to Mean Something in This Country

Posted on January 4, 2020 by Dan Rice

What in the hell happened to this country? “And twins” was about more than just selling beer, it was about the spirit of America. Not since Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” had a poetic work so perfectly captured the essence of our nation. When did we lose sight of what matters?

OK, maybe football is still on TV. Maybe photos of Baywatch’s Gena Lee still exist and let’s just say for sake of argument I still have friends. Sure, we still have all those things, but without the universally agreed upon understanding that sex with biological twins is the ultimate gratification a man can have, none of those fruits will ever taste as sweet.

The idea that identical women would be raised together as sisters and develop a sexual attraction to one another is arousing to any red blooded American male and if you disagree then you are a homosexual.

Let me be clear: I want to fuck a set of twins. It is an incredibly natural impulse and expressing it at any given opportunity is in no way a desperate attempt to conceal latent homosexual urges that I am worried those around me will perceive. There is of course nothing wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just not one. You can tell because I want to have sex with siblings.

Until recent years, publicly declaring your desire to watch identical blood-siblings do nasty sex stuff was as American as apple pie. It was an idea that sold our gum. It was the b-story in our most beloved sitcoms. It gave Mary Kate and Ashley a career well beyond Full House. What happened? When did we lose what made us great?

Nowadays everything is about step-siblings. Gross. How is that even remotely hot? They don’t even look like regular siblings! Call me old fashioned but I like cheap beer, Chevy trucks, and real incest.

It is a sad state of affairs that suddenly I am required to justify my time honored fantasy as if it’s dirty. As if it’s wrong and naughty. The desire to watch identical women scissor each other was one of the principles this great land was founded on.

I’m not some weirdo. I don’t want to see some old uggo twins rub parts. I’m talking total smokeshows only.

I am, if anything, abnormally hetero.

It’s gotten to the point that somehow people interpret this perfectly reasonable desire as a form of chauvinism and nothing could be further from the truth. I am a feminist. Do I like working toward a more equal society? Yes. I like strong powerful women. I like smashing the patriarchy, closing the wage gap and electing more women into congress. And twins. Smoking hot twins.

I’m not gay.

Show Promoter Grossly Overestimates Audience’s Ability To “Pay What You Can”

Posted on January 4, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

SEATTLE — Local promoter Josh Ward who was wildly optimistic about their audience’s willingness to “pay what you can” was left sorely disappointed following a show last Thursday evening, unsurprised sources confirmed.

“I’m in utter shock,” blubbered a flabbergasted Ward. “Either this city is going through an intense poverty crisis, or people simply don’t want to pay for our shows. But that can’t be right, right? Because that would mean most people want to pay zero dollars, which doesn’t help anyone. People should pay to each of their own ability, not to each of their own desire. It’s simply not possible that these shows are worthless.”

Ward manages the local venue Impromptu Bastard, where he serves as the booker, promoter, and self-booked performer.

“The place fits about 20 including the performers, bar staff, and myself,” explains Ward. “I like to think of it as intimate. We’ve been doing a new show, I call it The Soviet Showcase. The audience pays whatever they feel is appropriate, like how I always pay $1 when bands say you can ‘name your price” on Bandcamp. It’s called supporting your scene. So far, the show has earned no money, but I think people just didn’t know they could pay someone.”

To offset their losses, a jar simply labeled “$” has been sitting near the bar for weeks, but has mostly gone unacknowledged by patrons.

“People just put shit in it. Paper clips, batteries, condoms… I think I found the back half of a dead rat once, but no money, though. Not even change,” explained Xiomara Jimenez, the Bastard’s bartender. “It’s not like they don’t have cash. The bar made a killing last night. Everyone bought at least four drinks. It’s almost like they came here since that optional cover or whatever meant they could drink more. I had one group in here last week who mistook it for ladies night.”

At press time, Ward was trying to ameliorate the situation by distributing the items collected in the jar to the performers after taking a 75% cut “for overhead costs and various stuff.”

Scene Veteran’s Tits Diagnosed with CTE After 17,000th Elbow Shot

Posted on January 3, 2020 by Kaitlyn Jeffers

NEW YORK — Local punk and scene veteran Ruby St. John’s mammary glands were diagnosed with CTE today after sustaining her 17,000th elbow shot during a Jesus Piece show earlier this week, according to doctors.

“I’ve been in enough pits to know how brace myself for the inevitable tit shot, but I hadn’t anticipated how many old school guys got into CrossFit and came out of mosh retirement,” said St. John. “When the third guy in a Knocked Loose hoodie elbowed them during ‘Punish,’ the twins didn’t stand a chance.”

With the growing awareness of chest-based CTE, known by medical professionals as “mangled titty syndrome,” many young women newer to the scene are choosing to take it easy in their formative punk years.

“As punk and hardcore is becoming more prevalent around the world, Mangled Titty Syndrome has seen a steady increase globally,” according to Dr. Deirdre Mulligan. “I am happy to report that we’re seeing an uptick in the number of women under the age of 21 opting to spend the show standing along the periphery of the pit. Some are even just doing coke in the bathroom all night, which carries a zero percent risk of Mangled Titty Syndrome.”

Following her diagnosis, St. John signed a lucrative venue commentator deal, and is looking forward to joining Fat Tony, Big Joe, Ugly Vinny, Skinny Tony, Vito the Moron, and Asshole Sal at the bar for every Agnostic Front and Murphy’s Law show for the next 10 years.

“I remember being a kid, seeing these guys at the bar at CBGB, talking about how everyone under 25 was doing everything wrong,” St. John stated. “Now I can join the ranks of legendary show commentators, giving my opinion on who sucks and where the best closed down pizza place was.”

Although St. John is retiring from the pit, she is expected to be recognized for her decades of achievements with commemorative graffiti in the bathroom of the new ABC No Rio in 2030.

Just Because I Disagree With You Doesn’t Mean I Hate You. I Do Fucking Hate You Though

Posted on January 3, 2020 by Dan Rice

In the age of talking head info-tainment we have lost the art of discourse. We have misplaced the notion that just because someone disagrees with us on an issue doesn’t mean they are a bad person. America needs to re-learn the concept of mutual respect. It is important to note, however, that I do not respect you. You’re just plain wrong, and I think you are fucking dog shit scum.

Your bullshit notwithstanding, it is time to heal the divide. Take the issue of gun control for example. I’m for it, and thanks to the echo chamber of social media I used to think gun owners were cartoonishly stupid people with no concern for the safety of children. But by setting my anger aside and hearing people out I learned that most gun advocates view the restriction of firearms as a threat to the safety of their families. I may not agree with them, but seeing their point of view gives me a greater scope of the issue.

It is this exact courtesy, this faith that the person opposed to you is standing up for what they believe to be right, that you do not deserve. I hate your fucking guts. I hate that you’re breathing the same air as me. The sooner you and everyone like you dies of the worst cancer imaginable, the better.

Try to understand I do not hate you because we disagree. I hate YOU. I hate the dumb fuck look on your face. I hate the sound of your stupid voice. I hate what I see when I look into your fucking eyes. Every single thing you do, even something as innocuous as sipping a Dunkin Donuts coffee, confirms to me the most vile and despicable speculations one soul could harbor towards another. You set my fucking teeth on fire the moment you start talking.

My point is that when people debate people who aren’t complete dipshits like you they need to show a little compassion. Whether it’s gun control, immigration, abortion, or euthanasia we need to let go of this emotionally charged notion that the people who disagree with us are evil.

You are evil though. You and anyone else who thinks Marvel movies aren’t “cinema” can go straight to hell.

Velcro Wallet in Over Its Fucking Head After Receiving Change for a $20

Posted on January 3, 2020 by Zac Townsend

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — The physical limitations of a Velcro wallet were put to the test early yesterday evening when local man Jason Wagner received change from a $20 bill after he bought cigarettes from a gas station, according to sources.

“It was truly hard to watch. I gave him his cigarettes and his change, and watched through my fingers as he tried to stuff the $11 and coins into his childlike money pouch,” said cashier Monty Williams. “It was like watching someone attempt to stuff a bean bag into a glove compartment.”

Security footage of the exchange showed Wagner grew frantic when the cashier pulled out 11 $1 bills, along with several nickels and dimes.

“I can’t even begin to put into words how overwhelmed I was — I was stretched and contorted beyond what’s reasonable for a wallet of my making,” said the velcro wallet. “I’m just a trinket from Dave & Buster’s this guy won from having a hot hand at skeeball and has since unironically held onto. I’m not sure why he expects so much out of me.”

“This isn’t the first time he did this, either. One time on Halloween, he actually tried to stuff a single condom inside of me. Luckily, he went as one of the Blues Brothers that year, but somehow ended up looking like Steve Buscemi in ‘Reservoir Dogs’ and realized he’d more than likely not be needing it at all,” the wallet added.

Onlookers claimed they knew things would get dicey when Wagner was asked to show his ID for the purchase, which was laminated and dangling from his neck.

“I think he’s the only person who still uses cash, but thankfully, the one thing he splurges on is cigarettes, and he smokes American Spirits, so we never have too much change to deal with,” said eyewitness and Exxon regular Darlene May. “God save us the day he switches to Doral shorts or something.”

Sources say the velcro wallet is still not folded properly, nor will be until Wagner needs to buy his next pack of cigarettes.

Photo by Taylor Roebuck.

As a Feminist, I Like to Think of Them as Matriarchs I’d Like to Fuck

Posted on January 3, 2020 by Jon Swihart

Since my transformation from a nice guy (but like, a legit actual nice guy) to a certified male feminist last week, I’ve been viewing everything through freshly woke eyes. Even porn! Now I don’t know about you, but I’m beginning to think porn can be a little demeaning towards women. Particularly women who’ve exited their “prime” years and are immediately classified as MILFs (Mothers I’d Like to Fuck). This is a vile, objectifying term that devalues mothers and any other woman over the age of 25 (gross!).

As a male feminist, I don’t think of them as mothers I’d like to fuck. I mean, I do, but that’s not all I view them as. I value MILFs for their strength, kind nature, wisdom, and of course, their sweet, sweet mom-butts. That’s why I see them as “Matriarchs I’d Like to Fuck.”

Now get out of that mini-van, take off those mom jeans (sorry, Matriarch jeans), and spank me, mommy!

Websters dictionary defines “ally” as “a state formally cooperating with another for a military or other purpose.” So speaking as an ally, I’m bothered by how problematic the currently accepted “MILF” acronym is. It reinforces patriarchal notions that women of advanced age should only be recognized for their childbearing abilities every time I bust out the lotion. After all, you never hear about BWILFs (Business Women I’d Like to Fuck) or SPILFs (Scientific Pioneers I’d Like to Fuck) or CWSMTILFs (Congress Women Serving Multiple Terms I’d Like to Fuck). You can’t find those anywhere! Well, unless those categories are on pay sites. Those are equally problematic to me but for an entirely different reason.

Just as women have fought to become business leaders, scientists, and elected representatives, they’re still lumped under the banner of “MILF” when it comes to jerking off. This is disgraceful. We need equal representation between all women-of-a-certain-age in the workplace AND in the jerkplace!

However, I must admit there’s logic in this categorical simplicity. A video titled “CWSMTILF AOC FemDom ATM to BS” is quite the mouthful. However, the women in porn should not have to bear the weight of this load. The emotional labor should fall on ME, an ally who’s just lucky enough to get to watch this powerful, sexy Matriarch dom the literal piss out of an old guy dressed as Bernie Sanders.

In many ways we owe our civilization to an unbroken lineage of strong women, toiling sexily in the shadows of patriarchy, seductively luring us into more enlightened times. They’re not just our mothers, but stewards of civilization and it’s time we honored how hot that is. These are mothers and, yes, that is important. But more importantly, they’re matriarchs too. And most importantly I want to fuck them.

Drunk Scientists Discover Link Between Not Doing Your Shot, Being a Total Pussy

Posted on January 3, 2020 by Andrew Murphy

BOSTON — A landmark study by a rowdy crew of sloshed scientists at the Harvard School of Drunk Studies have found a definitive link between not doing your shot and being a total pussy.

“Yeah… so we’d pour out a line of shots — and good stuff too, like Jaeger and shit — and then we’d give them to anybody that looked cool as fuck,” said lead researcher Matthew Valdespino. “And what do you fucking know? Turns out the people who didn’t do a shot were total pussies. They gave excuses like, ‘I can’t, I’m driving,’ ‘I don’t actually drink; I’m just hanging out with friends,’ or the most egregious pussy reason: ‘I’m pregnant and I’m here for the wings.’ O.K., nerd — try not to sprain your finger on your calculator on your way home.”

The report comes after three years of exhaustive research, in which over 2,500 college students were offered shots.

“Even we were surprised by the results: 97 percent of those who declined free booze were quickly revealed to be pussies, with a 3 percent margin of error. The findings held true across all socioeconomic indicators,” said Dr. Levi Eichenwald, the study’s co-author. “It doesn’t matter if you’re white or black or purple or green. I don’t care; I don’t hate anybody. But if you don’t do your shot, you’re a pussy. It’s as clear as the sky is blue.”

“We also found that if you do your shot half-way and cough a little bit and finish it, you’re not a pussy, but half-pussy,” added Dr. Eichenwald. “Has anybody seen my phone?”

The study was not without detractors — several of whom criticized the methodology.

“For one thing, a lot of people studied were already too fucked up to take another shot and didn’t want to puke,” said Dr. Nolan Ackerman of MIT. “Me personally, I had to work the next day and I didn’t want to be hung over. I could normally drink any of those dudes under the table, but I’m already under academic review, and one more strike and I lose my job. That doesn’t make me a pussy. I will fight anyone.”

The study also found that there is still no cure for being a buzzkill, and that any lightweights out there should just stay home if they’re not gonna go hard.

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