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Opinion: The Words “And Twins” Used to Mean Something in This Country

What in the hell happened to this country? “And twins” was about more than just selling beer, it was about the spirit of America. Not since Walt Whitman’s “Leaves of Grass” had a poetic work so perfectly captured the essence of our nation. When did we lose sight of what matters?

OK, maybe football is still on TV. Maybe photos of Baywatch’s Gena Lee still exist and let’s just say for sake of argument I still have friends. Sure, we still have all those things, but without the universally agreed upon understanding that sex with biological twins is the ultimate gratification a man can have, none of those fruits will ever taste as sweet.

The idea that identical women would be raised together as sisters and develop a sexual attraction to one another is arousing to any red blooded American male and if you disagree then you are a homosexual.

Let me be clear: I want to fuck a set of twins. It is an incredibly natural impulse and expressing it at any given opportunity is in no way a desperate attempt to conceal latent homosexual urges that I am worried those around me will perceive. There is of course nothing wrong with being a homosexual. I’m just not one. You can tell because I want to have sex with siblings.

Until recent years, publicly declaring your desire to watch identical blood-siblings do nasty sex stuff was as American as apple pie. It was an idea that sold our gum. It was the b-story in our most beloved sitcoms. It gave Mary Kate and Ashley a career well beyond Full House. What happened? When did we lose what made us great?

Nowadays everything is about step-siblings. Gross. How is that even remotely hot? They don’t even look like regular siblings! Call me old fashioned but I like cheap beer, Chevy trucks, and real incest.

It is a sad state of affairs that suddenly I am required to justify my time honored fantasy as if it’s dirty. As if it’s wrong and naughty. The desire to watch identical women scissor each other was one of the principles this great land was founded on.

I’m not some weirdo. I don’t want to see some old uggo twins rub parts. I’m talking total smokeshows only.

I am, if anything, abnormally hetero.

It’s gotten to the point that somehow people interpret this perfectly reasonable desire as a form of chauvinism and nothing could be further from the truth. I am a feminist. Do I like working toward a more equal society? Yes. I like strong powerful women. I like smashing the patriarchy, closing the wage gap and electing more women into congress. And twins. Smoking hot twins.

I’m not gay.