SEATTLE — Two adult punk males repeatedly collided their heads together yesterday attempting to display dominance to impress a nearby female, sources amazed by the breathtaking mating ritual confirmed.
“When male punks reach maturity, they become extremely aggressive and horny. Punk shows are often a place for these males to perform complex dance moves to impress a nearby mate, or prove their bravery by stage diving,” said punk fan and amateur zoologist Sherri Kadi. “However, this can often lead to violence when a male detects any sort of threat to their masculinity. That’s especially true in the heightened arena of a mosh pit: with the amount of gel some of them carry in their hair, those spikes are like weapons.”
Indeed, witnesses who had never seen punks attempt to mate were taken aback.
“Everyone was having a good time… until those two males both approached the same young female with bright purple hair. After a brief feeling out period, one of them ripped their shirt off and all hell broke loose,” said local punk Drew Himmelreich. “They cleared a space in the middle of the pit and started slamming their heads together, making these guttural, grunting sounds I’ve only seen in documentaries. It was beautiful and brutal all at the same time — it sounded like a snare drum each time they collided.”
After squaring off, the two men fell to the floor, exhausted and bloody with no clear winner. Tasha Sablinski, the female over whom the males fought, was still undecided after the battle.
“They both impressed me. I mean, the smaller guy was quick on his feet and had stamina, but the big guy had longer, more colorful spikes… so I really don’t know who to choose to drink in the parking lot with later,” Sablinski said. “This is always an easier decision when one of them is mortally injured by one of the liberty spikes.”
At press time, reports indicate the larger male prevailed in courtship, while the smaller male later attempted to impress another tattooed female with a dance displaying his decorative denim vest adorned with colorful patches and studs.