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Opinion: I Was Only Crying Because the Tattoo Artist Was Doing Such a Good Job

I think it’s time for me to come clean. Yes, I did cry the entire when I got my new tattoo, but it wasn’t because I was in any sort of pain like people are saying. I was crying because the tattoo artist was doing such an amazing job.

Unlike the people who spread this nasty rumor, I don’t have a problem showing others how I feel. When I see that the tattoo artist is doing fantastic work, I’ll let him know it. If that satisfaction comes through in the form of relentless sobbing, then so be it.

When I shouted “Holy fucking shitballs this hurts so much please stop” seven times in a row, it wasn’t because I was in any physical pain. Rather, the emotions that I felt as I saw the tattoo artist’s expert craftsmanship at work were simply too much to bear.

It was like witnessing God mold Eve from Adam’s rib, except replace God with Jerry the tattoo artist and Eve with a Guns and Roses tattoo on my ass.

And don’t think for a second that I’m scared of the needle on the tattoo gun. I love needles, especially when they are puncturing my skin. It’s because of this love that I keep my distance from them, because absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Honestly, It’s the people who sit there quietly while the tattoo artist works that really bug me. How is the artist going to know if they’re doing a good job if you’re just sitting there and making small talk with them? I personally think it’s weird if you aren’t being held down by two other tattoo artists during your session.

I know it seems confusing because whenever we watch sad movies I cry and I tell you it’s because I sat on a thumbtack. Well, it’s simple. If it looks like I’m crying because of my feelings, it’s actually because I have been seriously injured. If it looks like I’m crying because of pain, it’s because of my emotions!

It’s clear that the people spreading these terrible lies about me don’t know how to appreciate good art. People cry all the time when they see the Mona Lisa, so why can’t I cry while getting a bitchin’ tramp stamp?