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Coworker Unaware He’s Trapped in Bitter, Hate-Filled Rivalry With You

DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a long-running feud that won’t end until one of you dies or gets fired, confirmed company break room sources Thursday afternoon.

“I get along well with everybody here,” Ferguson explained while heating up his lunch in the communal microwave. “I pride myself on having a personal connection with each of my coworkers. I want to know what makes them tick, so I’m always asking questions — even when people tell me to shut up and leave them alone, I need to know why they feel that way. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a date with some hard boiled eggs that I’ve been looking forward to all morning.”

According to multiple employees, Ferguson is oblivious that you’ve despised him since he was hired in 2012.

“We all know you want to smack the shit out of him with that Big Mouth Billy Bass he keeps above his desk — especially since he sings along with it in that annoying falsetto,” confided Danyelle Likurski in payroll. “But somehow, he thinks you guys are like brothers: he has no idea you reported him to HR for creating a ‘hazardous work environment’ in the third floor bathroom after lunch. Hell, he doesn’t even know you’re the one who keyed his car — even though you scratched your name into it with the message, ‘Fight me right now.’”

Unfortunately, it appears your festering rage is part of a calculated effort by management to increase team performance.

“Employees accomplish more when motivated by conflict, spite, and resentment,” claimed assistant manager Diane Westphal. “That’s why we decided you two should share an office — it’s been an interpersonal disaster, and we couldn’t be more pleased. In corporate psychology, we refer to the principle of constructive hatred as the ‘Van Halen Paradox.’”

At press time, Ferguson was blasting his beloved Uncle Kracker Spotify playlist in your shared space while failing miserably in his attempt to clip his toenails over your recycling bin.