NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit card bills and student loan bullshit,” while he’s on vacation.
“First, I want to dispel the rumors that I’m actually going to prison and not vacation. This is false. I am, in fact, going down the shore for the next four to six months. That’s why I asked my neighbor Devin [Contreras] to throw out my mail and pop into my house occasionally to make sure the rats haven’t completely taken over,” said Freeman. “I figured he’s pretty responsible. Plus, he owes me one based on all those times I could’ve stabbed him but chose not to.”
Contreras was troubled by Freeman’s request to commit a federal crime on his behalf.
“When I agreed to it, I thought he meant throw out junk mail, coupons… that kind of stuff. But apparently he wanted me to chuck all his mail — especially bills, summons, and certified letters from his sister asking about the money he owes her,” said Contreras. “He also gave me a list of all the fake names he’s used to apply for credit cards in case anything comes addressed to them. Weirdly, though, there was no mention of taking out the bags and bags of garbage stacked up to the kitchen ceiling.”
Freeman’s mail carrier Dallas Kennedy described a hostile relationship with Freeman, in which he frequently “shoots the messenger” and blames her for every negative piece of mail.
“Ugh. Yeah, I know the asshole living at 203. It’s like, dude, I don’t work for PSEG,” said Kennedy. “He also tried to bribe me into destroying his mail for him with homemade kombucha. When I told him that debt and arrest warrants don’t disappear if you don’t get your mail, he called me a ‘government hack’ and slammed the door in my face.”
Further investigation found that Freeman’s sudden “vacation” is a result of his destroying a nearby mailbox with a box of M-80 firecrackers.