Everyone Wishes Man Would Stop Using Tongue to Twirl Control Stick in Mario Party

Posted on by John Dixon

DENVER — A group of friends is appalled over one member’s insistence on using his tongue to spin the control stick in Mario Party mini games, disgusted sources confirmed. 

“This guy Brett will roll up to game night and as soon as one of those analog spinning mini games starts up, out comes his glistening, sopping wet tongue,” said Miles Jackson, an acquaintance of Brett Meyer’s. “Beyond being weird and distracting it’s also fucking gross. He’s slurping up other people’s hand germs and getting his slobber all over a controller other people have to use.”

Meyer’s lingual gaming strategy is not relegated solely to private residences, according to one local game shop owner.

“Yeah a couple of years back we held a huge Mario Party tournament with cash prizes and brackets and the whole nine yards,” said Mary Childers, owner and operator of The Game Pit.  “And that motherfucker shows up, grabs one of our controllers, which has been around for god knows how long and been through more hands than I can count, and just fucking goes to town on it like he’s a teenager and it’s his homecoming date. I don’t think game stores have health codes, but I’m still scared about the consequences of this”

Meyer attempted to justify his unsettling strategy while simultaneously holding an ice pack to the massive blisters it caused on his tongue. 

“Listen, I’m not as young as I used to be and my hands aren’t as nimble and dexterous as they once were,” he said.  “So I had to adapt in order to keep my competitive edge. The tongue, which is proportionally one of the strongest muscles in the human body, was a natural choice to replace my frail, clumsy adult digits. Yes, the salve I have to apply to my tongue blisters when they burst in order to prevent infection tastes putrid, but the sweet taste of victory washes it away like the sun burning away mist.”

At press time, Meyer was seen slipping his tongue through the loop of a padlock and attempting to curl it like a barbell in order to hone his skills.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Opinion: It Doesn’t Count if It’s Anal

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Listen up, we all know the rules of being straight edge. No tobacco, no drugs, and no alcohol… through your mouth. But I’ve recently come upon a little bit of a so-called ‘poophole loophole’ with regards to alcohol that I think people really ought to know about.

Granted, I heard this from a pretty religious girl I know but apparently it ‘doesn’t count’ if you do it in your butt. Buttchug, funnel up your ass, dousing a wet wipe in vodka and sticking it in your butt, whatever you wanna do… none of it counts! Being straight edge isn’t really all that much about drugs and alcohol, it’s just about following the rules. And apparently if you only let the liquor flow through your crack, you’re still an ‘alcohol virgin’ so to speak.

Now, I’ve only confirmed for sure that the poophole loophole works with drinking but I would not at all be surprised if that’s only because it’s the easiest of the loopholes to perform. I think if you wanna light up a cigarette in the middle of a straight edge basement show, you should feel free to drop your pants, shove that cig right up your ass, and light it. Smoke up, dude, you’re not breaking any rules here.

If you wanna go a little harder in the pit during a Have Heart breakdown no one’s gonna stop you if you rip off your black cut offs, line up some coke on the merch table, mount it like a toilet, and snort that shit right up your butt.

And if you’re cool with sticking a heroin needle right up your asshole… well, who am I stop someone so determined?

Because in the end, being straight edge is about taking care of your body- it’s about community. It’s about living the hardcore lifestyle and not conforming to the mainstream. And now, as we all agree, it’s about pouring drugs, tobacco, and alcohol down the hatch. The butt hatch.

XXX

Mitski Announces Plans to Place Merch Table In Your Therapist’s Office

Posted on by Johnny Mo

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Recording artist Mitski announced today that her merchandise will now be available for sale at mental health clinics across the country, klonopin super-fans confirmed.

“I took a much-needed hiatus after five years of non-stop touring, but after a light lunch at Olive Garden wiped my earnings from streaming services, I realized I needed some income flow,” the accomplished singer/songwriter explained. “A few phone calls later, I inked a deal with a number of therapists that would allow me to set up merch tables in their waiting rooms, on the condition I release another soul-crushing album young adults can silent-cry to in their parked cars after therapy.”

Depression and anxiety sufferers were mostly confused by the sale of T-shirts and buttons in a treatment space, but ultimately found the placement convenient.

“Not sure why there’s a Mitski merch table here, but funny enough, her music has gotten me through some tough times. I actually happen to be a huge fan,” a patient who wished to stay anonymous said. “Mitski’s music, along with the right SSRI, really helped with my anxiety symptoms, so I thought it was cool I could get all the help I needed in a one-stop shop.”

“I wonder how my therapist knew I was a fan. Is this like, a targeted ad thing?” they added. “Were my earbuds playing music too loudly in the waiting room one time? Was I disturbing everyone? Is my therapist mad at me? Am I asking too many questions? Are you mad at me?”

Participating psychologists are celebrating the partnership, noting a significant increase in patient enrollment at their respective clinics.

“When she first reached out, I was appalled at the idea of someone profiting from the emotional turmoil of my patients,” licensed therapist Mark Bumgarner said over the whirr of his jewel encrusted bill-counting machine. “But during a trial period, patient enrollment shot up by 40% when fans coming in for merchandise made new patient appointments. I can’t thank her enough for what she has done for my business… oh, and also for helping people grow emotionally, and yadda yadda, et cetera, and so on.”

At press time, Mac DeMarco was being escorted off the premises for selling cigarette-burned weighted blankets in the parking lot.

Neil Peart’s Drum Set Donated to Supply Every Public School Music Department in Canada

Posted on by Daniel Magorrian

HAMILTON, Ontario — Neil Peart’s elaborate drum kit is set to be divided up and donated to schools across Canada in order to provide every music class with proper equipment following his untimely death this past week.

“Mr. Peart was a legend that inspired multiple generations of drummers and pushed the limits of what many of us thought was possible,” said Canada’s Minister of Education Steven Lecce. “There are currently two cargo ships heading towards Vancouver carrying most of his kit. We expect to start breaking it down and dividing it across our 15,500 public schools, which should give each classroom at least three pieces of equipment each, with hundreds of cymbals left over. Thank you Mr. Peart, you will not be forgotten.”

Music students across the country were excited to begin playing on pieces of Peart’s legendary setup.

“I know it’s sort of crazy, but I hope some of Mr. Peart’s magic will be transferred to me when I start playing on his drums,” said middle school student Claude Brodeur. “If even one percent of his talent is transferred over then I’ll be the best drummer in all of Manitoba.

Peart’s used drum sticks are expected to be recycled and used as raw materials to build affordable housing for low income families.

Supportive! This College Professor Liked All of His Female Student’s Instagram Photos Last Night

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Most people won’t share this but last night between the hours of 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. one teacher went above and beyond to inspire his female students by liking every single one of their photos.

Professor Randall Costas, Head of Columbia University’s Art Department has really shown he supports any woman interested in taking higher education. In the past, he’s been known to make sure women receive special attention but has never gone the extra mile like this!

Several last night found body positive comments such as “ur beautiful” and “wow…” over their swimsuit photos. This is like something out of Dead Poets Society.

Many received an emoji of water droplets to show what a splash they must be making in his classroom.

A few said they were DM’d messages asking to meet with him outside of class sometime to discuss academics. Sounds like these women will be moving past their male classmates in education!

The students clearly had their hearts swell with appreciation because this morning they all got together to tell the world about this act of heroism. Professor Costas tried not to make a big deal of it. So modest! There’s so much negative news these days it’s still nice to see there’s still lots of good in this world.

I haven’t seen such nobility since Ted Cruz showed his support for Step mothers on 9/11.

Elderly Man Kindly Rewinds YouTube Video to the Start So Next Viewer Doesn’t Have To

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

FRESNO, Calif. — Local caretaker Ellie Franklin reported yesterday afternoon that the elderly man she looks after, Jim Anderson, was seen rewinding through the YouTube video he had just finished watching so that the next person to watch the video wouldn’t have to do it themselves.

“It’s very sweet of him to think that he has to do that,” said Franklin, watching fondly from afar as Anderson proudly closed the browser tab of another video that he had dutifully dragged back to the 0:00 mark. “He doesn’t have much to do during the day, so I’m not going to explain how the internet works and take away this one time-consuming task he goes through if it makes him feel helpful. I don’t think many people are watching the same 47-minute compilation of interviews with Ronnie Van Zant that Jim is, anyway, but I suppose you never know.” 

According to Anderson, he just wants to give back to the incredibly positive YouTube community by matching their kindness.

“It’s not much, but I do what I can to help!” a proud Anderson said. “This kindness has been paid forward to me so many times. I don’t think I’ve watched a single video on YouTube that somebody hadn’t rewound for me already. The community is just so good and I can’t break that chain and be one of the bad apples. My right hand has started to ache lately, arthritis and tapping the left arrow key a whole bunch don’t really mix. But in the end, I know it’s for a good cause!”

When asked for comment, YouTube CEO Susan Wojcicki said, “It’s forward-thinking people like Jim that really make us proud to have created this platform. We’re planning on making this a genuine feature in the near future now that we know the elderly community is clamoring for it!”

At press time, sources say Anderson had sent an email to YouTube Support filled with links to videos he was ready to return.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Band Surprises One Lucky Fan with Long-Forgotten Patreon Reward

Posted on by Tom Peters

TACOMA, Wash. — Members of indie trio Shades of Hemingway surprised “superfan” and sole Patreon subscriber Artie Ravil yesterday by finally delivering the customized song he earned for signing up at the $100 tier over a year ago.

“Artie has been with us since day one, and the reason it took us 18 months to finally write this song is because we wanted it to be perfect: we needed a song that showed the beauty of Artie’s soul,” said vocalist/guitarist Scott Hodan. “We used every bit of what we know about him to make a song that incorporates his name, email address, and his seemingly tons of expendable income. We’ll also send him some free stickers if he sends us a self-addressed stamped envelope.”

Former Shades of Hemingway patrons noted the band’s problems delivering on their rewards is the reason most of them cancelled their subscriptions.

“I heard the band’s demo and thought they sounded great, and I wanted to show my support, so I signed up for the $5 level — which got me a 1” pin and shout out in the ‘thank you’ section of their EP’s liner notes,” said Addison Carter. “But the pin they sent me said ‘Dole/Kemp 96,’ which they must have gotten from a thrift store or something, and when their EP came out it was a digital download. So I’m not exactly sure where the thank you would be.”

For his part, Ravil was just as surprised as anyone when the song titled “The Sun, The Moon, and Artie” arrived in his inbox.

“At no point do I remember signing up to support this band. I’ve never heard of them before today, and the song they sent me is garbage — they pronounced my last name wrong at least six times. Man, I’m hoping there’s a way to get my money back from Patreon, because this never should have happened,” said Ravil. “Maybe I was drunk one night and accidentally signed up? I need to pay better attention to my credit card statements. This is fucked up.”

A Patreon representative has since confirmed that most band support on their platform is the result of a malicious prank or identity theft.

Stabbed, Uninsured Drummer Votes to Play Show in Canada ASAP

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Recently stabbed, profusely bleeding, and chronically uninsured drummer Tommy Rivera is insisting his band add at least one Canadian date to their upcoming tour before it’s too late, surprised sources confirmed.

“We were planning a mini-tour for the next few months… which, to be honest, calling it a tour at all is generous — it’s usually a few unambitious, shithole bars within 50 miles of our house. So imagine our surprise when Tommy, out of the blue, starts suggesting we play Toronto, Saskatoon, or ‘literally any place with universal healthcare,’” said guitarist Liv Rooney. “You should’ve seen him: clutching at his chest, wet shirt sticking to his body, dozing off mid-sentence. It was so strange. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

While some bandmates are completely unaware of Rivera’s stab wound, others, like bassist Francis Miller, downplayed Rivera’s injury.

“Considering how shitty his drumming has been lately, I’m not sure we should even give Tommy a vote here. I can’t remember the last time he played a full song without dropping his blood-soaked sticks, or getting thrown off tempo by a supposed auditory hallucination. Plus, that sucking sound coming from his stab wound has screwed up several recording sessions. Maybe he’s just not truly committed to this band,” said Miller. “I get it, someone knifed you. Well, I played a show last summer with a stye in my eye. Suck it up already.”

When reached, Rivera claimed to have a post-stabbing “moment of clarity” about his career choice.

“Maybe it’s the massive blood loss talking, or the fact that I haven’t had to urinate in six days, but I’m starting to realize that being a poor musician without health insurance is not worth it. Or at least, not worth it in America,” said Rivera. “To think, those lucky Canuck punks up there are picking fights left and right, practically begging to get shivved, knowing they won’t pay one cent for stitches and transfusions.”

After his tour suggestions were overruled by his bandmates, Rivera has been napping in the van for the past 23 hours, presumably resting up for the evening’s show.

Photo by Rick Homuth.

Folk-Punk Band Asks Neighbor Banging Broom on Ceiling to Join Group

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ROME, N.Y. — Local folk-punk band and inconsiderate neighbors Brewdog asked the old man who lives downstairs and banging on the ceiling with a broom to join their group, sleepless sources confirmed.

“We were working on this new song for a couple of hours one night, but it just wasn’t gelling. Suddenly, there was this loud, thudding bass drum sound coming from the floor. It was so raw, man — we didn’t question it, we just started jamming,” said Brewdog violinist Callan Markham. “We didn’t realize until after receiving a pissed-off phone call from old man Jonathan downstairs that he was the cacophonous, arrhythmic, musical genius.”

After “old man Jonathan” refused several invites to join Brewdog, guitarist Tommy Cruz devised a plan to make him an unintentional band member.

“We’ve completely upended practice to revolve around his schedule: basically, we only play when he’s trying to sleep, or right after his football team loses and he’s real ornery. We’re also going to record some demos at 3 a.m. next Tuesday, but please don’t tell him that,” said Cruz. “The tough part, of course, is trying to get him to the venue so he can play live with us. Most ideas we’ve come up with are basically considered class three felony kidnapping.”

Fellow musician Ozzy Whitehead recalled one recent show in which Brewdog successfully played with their “full lineup.”

“I was tuning my washtub bass when I noticed a trail of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ DVDs and Banquet frozen dinners leading from the venue door to the stage. Then, right as Brewdog was going up, this old man with a broom angrily marches in. His incoherent ranting and furious stomping really made the band’s set,” said Whitehead. “Those guys are lucky: all I’ve got is a teething 14-month-old below me. Maybe If I played metalcore or something it could work, but a screaming child doesn’t compliment my sound.”

Brewdog is reportedly considering adding a new unwitting member to the band, a woman known only as “screeching neighborhood lady that walks her cat on a leash.”

Nation Not Sure Normal-Type Candidate Even Worth Catching

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

CEDAR RAPIDS, Mich. — After months of deliberation during a contentious Democratic primary, voters are beginning to wonder whether a Normal-type Presidential candidate is even worth catching, according to a new CBS News/YouGov poll.

“Voters aren’t enthusiastic about catching Normal-type candidates because they lack super-effective policies,” explained FiveThirtyEight quantitative editor Laura Bronner. “Many think Normal-type candidates are a safe bet in the general against Donald Trump, a Fire-type, but unless the candidate knows any Fighting or Water-type moves, which is unlikely, there’s little evidence to support this. As people realize Normal-type candidates have no natural advantages over Fire-types, their enthusiasm will wane and the poll numbers will likely reflect this.”

Bolstered by name recognition and a perception of being safe, all-around choices, Normal-type candidates like Joe Biden and Pete Buttigieg have lost much of their lead in early battleground state polls.

“I was an early supporter of Joe Biden, and then I started looking more seriously at Buttigieg because he looked like he might have some cool evolutions when he gets older. I just thought catching a Normal-type candidate would be smart, you know? But as the caucus gets closer, I’m not sure what special moves these candidates offer,” said Iowa voter John Swain. “What are they going to do when they get in office? Rest? Tackle? Leer? Seems pointless.”

Representatives for the Buttigieg campaign defended the former mayor’s policies against the perception that his candidacy would not be very effective.

“Pete doesn’t make overblown promises that he’ll use a move like Hydro Pump to douse the fires started by this administration,” said Buttigieg spokeswoman Lis Smith. “Instead, Pete promises to use Helping Hand to boost folks on both sides of the aisle to bring this country back together.”

As Normal-type candidates stick to this moderate, bipartisan messaging, candidates of more advantageous types have gained momentum with help from bases fired-up at the prospect of their super-effective policies. 

“It’s time the 1% got a Wake-Up Slap,” said Sanders, before using Triple Kick on an unsuspecting Biden.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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