Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Self-Described Democratic Socialist Hopes No One Asks Follow Up Question Regarding What That Means

Posted on January 14, 2020 by Malcolm Whitfield

ST. LOUIS — Time stood still today for local man Hayden Reed, who publicly identified as a “Democratic Socialist” and prayed his words would be taken at face value without any need to further elaborate.

“To be honest, I know I’m playing a dangerous game here,” admitted Reed, who has three seperate “Bernie 2020” stickers on his Chevy Volt. “I know for sure it’s something I’m into… I just sort of blank on the details of the actual label. It’s been nothing short of a miracle I make it through most political conversations unquestioned. So far, most people I’ve said that to just say, ‘Yeah, me too, right on,’ and we move on to something else we all agree about.”

While Reed’s political leanings are met without criticism among casual colleagues, those close to him question the validity of his declaration.

“I know his heart is in the right place, but he’s not sure enough of himself to carry that pressure,” explained Reed’s girlfriend and unwitting collaborator Andrea Denning. “He’s had the Wikipedia page bookmarked on his computer for a while, but I still don’t think he really understands it — I’m pretty sure his most searched term on Google is, ‘What is a Democratic Socialist exactly?’ Really, even one question about his stance is sure to make him crack.”

Reed has allegedly developed several fail-safes for his cover — such as, when asked at a recent holiday party about how Democratic Socialism differs from pure socialism, Reed replied, “I shouldn’t have to be the one to educate you on such a simple topic,” before excusing himself to the kitchen to grab another drink.

“It’s actually quite simple: it’s like, whatever Bernie Sanders and AOC talk about, right?” responded Demitri Walsh, Chairman of the Midwestern DSA Committee. “Well, I know we don’t like corporations… and I think we want to break those up. We definitely want free college, and more taxes for the rich, but also — wait, was it free single payer health care, too? What is that? Is that different from universal health care, or…? Look, we’re trying our best here.”

At press time, Reed was sharing a photo of a DSA rose logo tattoo in a move he called, “The biggest fucking gamble yet.”

Exhausted Parents Admit Newborn Didn’t Really Get Good Until Season 4

Posted on January 14, 2020 by JD Lowe

COLONIAL HEIGHTS, Va. — Parents Pat and Misty Santohir reportedly told friends that, while they did not regret having their daughter Jacyln, they didn’t really find her enjoyable until several seasons in.

“Don’t get us wrong, we are glad we stuck it out with her,” said Misty Santohir, while watching four-year old Jacyln run around a playground. “It’s just been so rough. The first season was a dredge, with some weird audio issues. Just very formulaic and uninspired. The schedule kept changing too, which made it difficult to keep up with her.”

Santohir went on to claim that Jacyln’s second and third seasons featured more original storylines and a more satisfying variety of subject matter on display.

“My favorite was probably the toilet training arc,” said Pat Santohir. “Thank goodness that got paid off. Now we’re starting to teach her to read and it’s turning into a real suspenseful ‘Will they/won’t they?’ thing. Can’t wait to see where she goes from here.”

Sean Windsor, a friend of the Santohir family as well as an adoptive father, had some comforting words to give about what was in store.

“I told them about how I didn’t get into my kid ‘til he was on his seventh season,” he said. “So I missed out on a lot of backstory, but I think I figured it out. Pat and Misty are going to love it when their kid goes to school and starts filling out their world with funny little ancillary characters and all that.”

At press time, the Santohir family have not made any promises for a new spinoff, despite the glowing reviews and social media pressure from Jacyln’s grandparents, who are outspoken fans.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Isn’t It Weird How Everyone Keeps Asking for Another Swing Revival? by Brian Setzer

Posted on January 14, 2020 by Peter Woods

It’s just so crazy to me that everyone keeps asking for another swing revival. There’s just something in the ether I guess. It’s weird because we’re basically talking about a revival of a revival, but hey, if that’s what the people want then who am I to get in the way?

You know just yesterday I was at Guitar Center because I needed to buy a new extremely large guitar. While I’m there, I start hearing some kid twenty feet away going on and on about how he wished he grew up during the 1990s, but only for the parts that copied 1940s jazz culture. I guess the kids are just ready to bop with daddy for some reason.

But it’s not just kids! I went to a beauty supply store to buy all of their pomade and some lady kept going on and on about how badly she wanted to go dancing, mostly so she could get swung around like a baby by her arms.

She didn’t even seem like a rockabilly person! She was wearing totally normal person clothes. You know like… pants and like, a hat. Well you know, normal clothes they all sort of blend together, it’s not weird that I don’t remember what this woman was wearing. The point is she thing for that swing baby!

Hell, I was at the grocery store last week and they were playing one of my songs over the P.A between sale announcements and the whole place went NUTS! Strangers dancing with each other, jumping off the aisles, eventually forming a circle to watch this one couple that was like crazy good a swing dancing… the whole thing looked choreographed!

You know it’s almost getting pretty annoying how all the time people are recognizing me and telling me how I need to kick start this big profitable 2nd wave swing revival! Like I needed to buy a new suit because I have a bunch of weddings to go to (like, six or ten of the people in my orchestra are getting married to super hot people who get turned on by swing). So I go to buy a suit and I tell the guy “hey, just bring me a normal suit people wear to normal old weddings.”

Guess what he brings me? That’s right — a big honking Zoot Suit.

It’s just so strange how everyone wants this thing to happen and yet I’m not hearing anything from my manager. Maybe someone should make like a viral meme or something right? Or like a chain mail? Is that still a thing? Just leave your aol address in the comments and I’ll throw something together, what the hell let’s do this thing! OK? Please? These suits are really expensive you guys.

Iggy Pop Crosses Fingers During Team Selection in Shirts vs. Skins Pickup Game

Posted on January 14, 2020 by John Danek

PALMETTO BAY, Fla. — An already shirtless Iggy Pop tightly crossed his fingers and paced anxiously during the team selection process of a neighborhood pickup basketball game, hoping he wouldn’t have to put his shirt back on, fellow players reported.

“Yeah… I was the captain of the skins team, and it was pretty clear what team he hoped to end up on,” explained court regular Bart Rennick. “Every time it was my turn to pick, he stood up on his tippy-toes and made these weird, faint grunting sounds — then, when it was the Shirts captain’s turn to pick, he hid behind the fattest guy who hadn’t been picked yet. I chose him towards the end out of compassion, but goddammit he sucks. I wish he’d stop showing up to the games — there’s just something weird about playing basketball with a shirtless guy in jeans. It’s unsettling.”

Pop was upfront about his team preferences.

“I don’t own a fucking shirt and these assholes know it. If the Shirts team picked me, I’d have to forfeit instantly, and then they wouldn’t have an absolute dog ripping down boards,” explained an exasperated Pop. “Shirts vs. Skins is clearly just a way to discriminate against me — all these neighborhood scrubs fear my raw power. This happens every time! I don’t know why the teams can’t be Shoes vs. Barefoot, or Worked with Bowie vs. Didn’t Work with Bowie.”

John Cale, member of the Velvet Underground and producer of the Stooges’ first album, shed some light on Pop’s aversion to upper body clothing.

“I remember, on our first day in the studio in 1969, Iggy showed up shirtless. It didn’t weird me out too much because I’d been in a band with Lou Reed, but still, I had to ask what his deal was out of principal,” explained Cale. “The other Stooges told me that before their first gig, Iggy lost his shirt… and that first show went so well, he’s been superstitious about wearing shirts ever since. Simple as that.”

Rumors are circulating that, after the game, Pop was collecting signatures for a petition to ban all “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service” policies in Palmetto Bay.

Cory Booker Deletes 26th Voicemail from Beto O’Rourke Asking to Jam For a Bit, See Where It Goes

Posted on January 13, 2020 by Bobby D. Lux

NEWARK, N.J. — Senator Cory Booker announced he will be suspending his bid for the 2020 presidency which unleashed an avalanche of calls from former candidate Beto O’Rourke, asking to casually jam some time soon, campaign officials confirmed.

“I just want to thank everyone for the support over the past year of this campaign. I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to run for the highest office in the land,” said Booker to a small group of campaign volunteers. “I’ve been getting a lot of calls from people congratulating me on a good showing, and certainly a lot of calls from Beto, who will not shut up about us jamming soon. He keeps saying he can bring his guitar and meet me anywhere. It’s really annoying, and it doesn’t help that I no longer have a good excuse for why I can’t. Whoever told him I play keyboards is in a lot of trouble.”

O’Rourke admitted he is excited by the prospect of writing music with Booker.

“As soon as I left the race, my wheels started spinning. I wanted to put together a super group called ‘Dem Rejects.’ How cool would that be? So far nobody has returned my calls but I’m sure Mayor Pete will want in as soon as he hears a few demo tracks,” said O’Rourke. “I’m sort of hoping Bernie gets the nomination because it would be so fucking sick to have Liz Warren on vocals. Can you imagine? Fuck. Sign me up.”

As of press time O’Rourke was overheard leaving his 37th voicemail this time in broken Spanish.

After Decades of Speculation, Scientists Prove Existence of ‘Street Fighter 1’

Posted on January 13, 2020 by Kenny Rohrbacher

LOS ALAMOS, N.M. — Thom Mason, director of the Los Alamos National Laboratory, announced today they have finally unearthed definitive proof of the long-theorized Street Fighter 1.

“For going on sixty years, scientists and historians the world over have been hoping to be the first to prove that a game before Street Fighter II: The World Warrior could actually exist,” Mason said. “All that time we spent analyzing what the mysterious ‘II’ in World Warrior’s title could possibly mean have finally paid off. It turns out it was a numeral! Now the scientific community can get to work exploring the new layers that have been added to the rich canon of the franchise by the inclusion of such iconic characters as Joe and Mike!”

Despite the enthusiasm inside Los Alamos, however, some fans voiced skepticism about the discovery.

“Oh, c’mon, a first Street Fighter game? There already IS a first one. It’s called Street Fighter II, duh,” said longtime fan Shawn Burrows. “Plus, what the hell is up with that stupid name they came up with? Street Fighter? What kind of crap-ass, obviously fake bullshit is that? How am I supposed to believe there’s a new game if it doesn’t have an ‘Alpha Zero’ or ‘Hyper Remix’ or ‘EX’ in the title? Get out of here.”

When asked about the mixed reactions from the announcement, Mason reiterated the historical importance of the find and went on to stress the hard work and long hours of the technicians that made the discovery possible.

“Yeah, there was an entire-ass SF1 cabinet just sitting there in a back room. Door wasn’t even locked,” said custodian Trevor Markham. “I don’t know why they brought a whole excavation crew out here, but they insisted it was necessary. All I had to do was move all those copies of Polybius out of the way, and boom, there it was.”

Mason and his crew have pledged to next solve the mystery surrounding the “Toasty,” guy from the Mortal Kombat games.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Study Confirms Riff Should Have Just Been in 4/4

Posted on January 13, 2020 by John Danek

BOSTON — Researchers at Berklee College of Music confirmed today that the opening riff of local punk band Milkmouth’s song “Squirrel Scream” should really have just been in 4/4.

“This is a huge problem in underground rock and punk circles,” explained Dr. Sharon Zaneski, Professor of Composition. “With the growing popularity of math rock guitar virtuosos on YouTube and social media, mediocre guitarists are frequently trying to shoehorn additional complexity into their riffs. But the songs usually can’t accommodate such technical depth.”

“We analyzed ‘Squirrel Scream’ and determined that it could’ve been a great, fun punk song with a catchy opening riff,” continued Dr. Zaneski. “Unfortunately, the fact that the riff is in 15/8 makes it unexpectedly confusing for its genre and thus impossible to enjoy.”

Indeed, following a recent Milkmouth show at legendary Lower Allston basement venue Red Room, one fan expressed her frustration in watching the band play “Squirrel Scream” live.

“It’s mostly a catchy song with a great sing-along chorus,” stated attendee Kira Cartwright. “But that fucking intro riff comes back after the chorus, and I totally have to recalibrate my headbanging rhythm. You don’t want to be the only dipshit nodding off-beat — literally everyone in the venue will notice. So the crowd always pulls back when the riff reappears.”

Following the Berklee study, Milkmouth guitarist Carter Black defended his artistic decisions.

“Our music isn’t for everyone… hell, based on feedback, our music might be for nobody,” said Black. “But we’ll never kowtow to popular trends. We’re working on an album that will set the record for the most key changes in a 90-minute piece of music — we might run the whole thing through an old, broken ring modulator pedal. Milkmouth pushes boundaries and listenability. If you want to ‘enjoy’ ‘good’ ‘music,’ there are countless other bands who try to do that.”

“We challenge fans to tolerate questionable music,” he added. “Doesn’t that mean something?”

Milkmouth’s nonconformist tendencies extend to their merch, of which they have never sold a single one of their asymmetrical crop tops.

Toxic Fanbase? Everyone Is Telling Me My Band Sucks

Posted on January 13, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

Toxic fandom is terrible. It’s sad to see wonderful works of art that bring so many people joy overrun with fans who spoil it for everyone. Toxic fanbases, for the blissfully uninitiated, are those that openly mock and criticize the people who make the very art that brought them together in the first place. They often act so obnoxiously that the creative property itself is tainted by their love of it.

It’s even worse when you realize your art has one of those infamous fanbases! The sad thing is I didn’t even realize it until I checked the comments on the latest song we released and saw how many people were saying we sucked. Talk about toxic!

When I see the way fans of things like “Rick and Morty” or “Star Wars” behave, I always wonder, “How could the powers that be let this escalate to that level?” Now I’m one of those powers that be and I’m sad to report that I’ve let my hoards of loyal fans become one of those horrific groups. They bring down my art, chiefly by DMing me about how much they hate my band.

Please allow me to apologize. I’m deeply sorry that my art is so influential and has the ability to transcend human expression to the point where I must be channeling God themself. It’s my fault, really. It’s figuratively and literally my cross to bear.

For context, my band, The Jell Bar, just put out a new EP. It’s sort of a noise meets pop meets EDM type thing but with real emotional and poetic lyrics; the kind of stuff people can really connect with. And boy did they! Here are the first few messages in our band page’s DMs:

“Hey, you should quit music entirely, like, there isn’t even potential to improve this garbage.”

“Hi!! I’m almost never on here, but hit me up on kik at xoBabyFuxxxo if you wanna meet up.”

“Is this a joke? If so, it’s hilarious!”

“You’re band sucks”

I’m not sure what the next step is. I suppose we’ll eventually need to figure out a way to discourage this behavior but for now I’m gonna bask in the glow of my brilliance and enjoy the adoration. I only wish all of you reading this could experience, just once, receiving thousands of messages telling you your band sucks.

ExxonMobil Pledges to Rebuild Gas Stations Bigger and Better Across Australia

Posted on January 13, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

IRVING, Texas — Senior ExxonMobil executive Robert Stone announced today that his company will donate millions of dollars toward rebuilding gas stations across southeast Australia as bushfires continue to rage in the region.

“We here at ExxonMobil want to do whatever we can to help the thousands of potential customers affected by these horrible fires,” said Stone. “I’ve seen the pictures of the devastation, and it breaks my heart to see completely burned out gas stations without a single person at the pump. We want to make sure every Australian citizen has access to our Synergy Supreme+ blend, so you and your vehicle can flee to a safer part of the country — this fuel offers better gas mileage and keeps your engine two times cleaner, which is so important for the environment when driving through hell.”

Australia’s Prime Minister Scott Morrison praised the oil giant for helping the country in its time of need.

“The generosity that the fine people at ExxonMobil are showing our country is a sign that the good Lord above is looking out for Australia. I’ve talked with the higher ups, and they promised that as soon as this fire is completely contained, they will send us resources to build only the finest gas stations,” said Morrison while on vacation. “Some wackadoos are claiming these fires are due to burning fossil fuels, but this is not the time for bunk science. We need to safely burn as much gas and oil in our cars and factories so we can keep that fuel away from the delicate bush.”

However, citizens of New South Wales reacted negatively to ExxonMobil’s “relief efforts.”

“If they gave some of their massive profits to bring in more firefighters to help stop this chaos, that’d be great,” said New South Wales resident Tawny Anderson. “But so far all they’ve done is put up a few signs that read ‘ExxonMobil Cares’ and started a social media campaign claiming these fires were because of arsonists and not climate change. If I die because of these fires, I just hope there’s no oil in hell.”

In solidarity, America’s leading meat and dairy producers promised to breed thousands more calves to sell to Australian farmers at discount rates in order to offset some of their losses.

Everyone Wishes Man Would Stop Using Tongue to Twirl Control Stick in Mario Party

Posted on January 13, 2020 by John Dixon

DENVER — A group of friends is appalled over one member’s insistence on using his tongue to spin the control stick in Mario Party mini games, disgusted sources confirmed.

“This guy Brett will roll up to game night and as soon as one of those analog spinning mini games starts up, out comes his glistening, sopping wet tongue,” said Miles Jackson, an acquaintance of Brett Meyer’s. “Beyond being weird and distracting it’s also fucking gross. He’s slurping up other people’s hand germs and getting his slobber all over a controller other people have to use.”

Meyer’s lingual gaming strategy is not relegated solely to private residences, according to one local game shop owner.

“Yeah a couple of years back we held a huge Mario Party tournament with cash prizes and brackets and the whole nine yards,” said Mary Childers, owner and operator of The Game Pit. “And that motherfucker shows up, grabs one of our controllers, which has been around for god knows how long and been through more hands than I can count, and just fucking goes to town on it like he’s a teenager and it’s his homecoming date. I don’t think game stores have health codes, but I’m still scared about the consequences of this”

Meyer attempted to justify his unsettling strategy while simultaneously holding an ice pack to the massive blisters it caused on his tongue.

“Listen, I’m not as young as I used to be and my hands aren’t as nimble and dexterous as they once were,” he said. “So I had to adapt in order to keep my competitive edge. The tongue, which is proportionally one of the strongest muscles in the human body, was a natural choice to replace my frail, clumsy adult digits. Yes, the salve I have to apply to my tongue blisters when they burst in order to prevent infection tastes putrid, but the sweet taste of victory washes it away like the sun burning away mist.”

At press time, Meyer was seen slipping his tongue through the loop of a padlock and attempting to curl it like a barbell in order to hone his skills.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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