Help! I Went on One Police Ride-Along and Now I’m Divorced and Living on a Boat

Posted on by Tom Peters

Looking out at the marina, my only thought between swigs of Pepto Bismol and Jim Beam cocktails is “what the hell happened?” Just this morning I was a loving husband and father. I only wanted to get a better sense of law enforcement relations and accountability in our community, so I went on one police ride-along. How did I end up here- divorced and living on a boat?

It all started before I even left the house. My wife asked why I never see our son anymore and I couldn’t help but blurt out, “A roof over his head isn’t enough? You ain’t seen what I seen!” None of this made sense- I’m a stay-at-home dad.

I slammed the front door and got into the police cruiser waiting outside. Before the officer could introduce himself, I said, “Rule number one is shut the fuck up and drive. I know the precinct put us together, but I work alone. Besides, you could never even dream of replacing McGinty.” When the officer asked who McGinty was, I grabbed him by the collar and screamed, “DON’T YOU EVEN SAY HIS NAME, MOTHERFUCKER,” causing us to swerve into an oncoming car.

I knew Internal Affairs would have me riding a desk for the rest of the day over something like this, so I cuffed the other driver and told my partner, “I’ll hold him if you want to get some shots in,” and he obliged with a few solid gut punches.

I had barely planted the drugs when a call came in from the chief, who said a deal was going down at the abandoned warehouse near the Amazon fulfillment center, and even though I’m a reckless cowboy and a danger to society, if I pulled this off, he would nod and say, “I like your style.”

We lit up the roof and headed for the meet. Outside, I told officer what’s-his-fuck to wait for backup and kicked open the warehouse door. Right there, stabbing a switchblade into a fresh bag of China white, was the last person I ever expected to be a drug kingpin: my wife. A henchman handed me divorce papers and said, “You’ve been served. And by the way, I’m also her scummy defense attorney and I’ll have her back on the streets in no time unless you resort to vigilante justice.” Just then, my partner, who I respect now, crashed through the wall driving a cement truck, which he then unloaded on my bride not-to-be, saying, “That’s what I call ‘hard time.’”

We had barely high fived when my adolescent son Todd grabbed the heroin and ran outside to a waiting fan boat. My partner and I commandeered a passing speedboat and gave chase. Dodging my son’s machine gun spray, I had no choice but to let my partner take the wheel so I could fire off a couple shots, one of which must have struck the gas tank, engulfing the entire fan boat in flames. “That’s what I call a hot Toddy,” my partner quipped.

The officer pulled into the marina, explaining that, since the ride-along was technically my last day before retirement, this is where I live now, and that, because of some crazy loophole, his new partner would be a dog who witnessed a murder. We high fived goodbye and he sped away.

It won’t be easy adjusting to dock life, but the other cops have been really nice, bringing me boat-warming presents and explaining the community guidelines. I’d better pour another Pink Russian and head below deck- yearning hours are almost over.

Sure, in my one day on the force I probably murdered my wife and definitely my son, but it’s true what they say- policing is a hard job and the only thing separating civilization and chaos is a thin blue line. Anyway, I may have lost one family, but I’ve already gained another, a family I can count on no matter what: white drunk cops.

2 A.M. Scroll Through Ex’s Instagram Handled with Precision of Orthopedic Surgeon

Posted on by Krissy Howard

PFLUGERVILLE, Texas — Local woman Shelby Cardenas handled a semi-regular 2 a.m. scroll through her ex-girlfriend Melissa Hannan’s Instagram page with the focus and careful precision of a surgeon performing spinal fusion.

“There’s a lot on the line in these situations, so it’s really important to bring your A game and scroll through when you’re only sort of buzzed and not totally shitfaced,” Cardenas explained. “The biggest thing to remember is to keep your finger as stiff and straight as possible, try not to blink at all, and basically just hold your breath the entire time — scrolling that late in bed takes a surprising amount of core strength, and is usually the most effective ab workout I do all year.”

The stakes allegedly raised around 2:17 a.m., when Cardenas entered areas of Hannan’s page dating back to 112 weeks ago and later, requiring a deep level of expert knowledge.

“The further back you go, the more careful you have to be — it’s one thing to accidentally ‘like’ a post from the same week, which could be chalked up to a search page mishap, but when you’re treading into two year old territory, there’s not enough ‘LOL whoops’ texts in the world to save you,” she said. “Luckily, I have a great team to back me up: like my hand sanitizer, which prevents accidental slipping due to greasy fingerprints, and my cat, who slept through the whole thing and didn’t jump into my lap. That could’ve really fucked everything up in a bad way.”

Social media stalking experts praised Cardenas’ efforts, yet questioned her capabilities as a truly qualified ex.

“Yeah, she’s got a lot of experience… but honestly, her methods are outdated and kind of dangerous,” stated Cardenas’ friend and an ex-boyfriend to many Donny James. “She’s using an iPhone 6, for fucks sake: it’s way too tiny and leaves so much room for mistakes. I’ve also seen her show me Mel’s Insta before, and her finger lands right on the image — everyone knows you have to scroll touching the caption, as far away from the ‘like’ button as possible, unless you’re reading comments. In that case, you need to hover to the left, because God forbid you accidentally ‘like’ something your ex’s old roommate said in 2016.”

In a turn of events that was “bound to happen eventually,” Cardenas was pronounced dead at 2:32 a.m. after accidentally clicking the “follow” button on Hannan’s new girlfriend’s account.

If Your Job Posting Asks for a Rockstar Candidate, Don’t Get All Pissy When I Show up Coked out of My Mind and Trash the Place

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

In my current search for employment I see job postings seeking a “Rockstar Candidate” every day. At first I thought it was great. That’s totally my vibe! It’s also a relief because for some reason this totally bitchin’ rockstar of an accountant is having one hell of a time keeping a job.

But here’s the thing: you all think you want a rockstar candidate. That is until one shows up ready to kick some fucking ass. All I’m saying is if your job posting asks for a rockstar candidate, don’t complain when I show up, do a couple lines, and trash your conference room like Keith Moon in a Holiday Inn.

I’m honestly doubting the integrity of your company. Your mission statement says you aim to “take things to the next level.” Well that’s exactly what I did when I fired my flare gun at your secretary. But did you shower me in cash and groupies? No! You called the police (the non-Sting kind). At this point I’m questioning if you even know what you want.

Do you think Axl Rose is gonna deal with some middle manager telling him that he’s not a team player? Fuck no! He’s gonna dive off a conference table and tackle that motherfucker but only after showing up for work four hours late.

Would Vince Neil make pleasant small talk at a water cooler and then go out for a coffee run with Ron from the mailroom? Uh-uh. Rockstars like us talk the dirt around a vodka cooler then go for a liquor run. Also, spoiler alert: Ron’s probably not making it back for this afternoon’s meeting.

And it’s not an experience issue. Trust me. I’ve been doing this for decades. You can even check with my old boss Lemmy.

Here’s a tip: next time you want someone who is reliable, works well as a team member, and communicates effectively, ask for a roadie candidate.

75% of Seniors Report Most Trusted Source of Information is Quotes Over Pictures of Sam Elliott

Posted on by Owen Crowlie

WASHINGTON — Scientifically confirming a correlation that has been speculated for decades, a recent study by the Pew Research Center has revealed that a majority of American seniors’ most trusted and sometimes exclusive source of information are quotes superimposed over pictures of screen actor Sam Elliott’s face.

“More and more seniors today are online,” says Dr. Andrew Barrio, lead researcher of the study. “And while research has shown that this demographic has lost faith in mainstream media, their trust in images of Sam Elliott featuring generic platitudes written in bold, white text is at an all-time high.”

“Don’t be surprised when you start seeing elderly people in your lives start referring to most things as ‘a special kind of stupid.’”

Further supporting the study’s findings, social media pages such as “Free Thinker Sam Elliott”, “Sam Elliott LGBTQ Memes”, and “Sam Elliott Worldwide” have received millions in venture capital to expand operations and further their reach. Analysts project that, due to the fact that all people eventually grow old, Sam Elliott memes will remain a sound investment for decades to come.

“The modern meme landscape is more competitive than people think,” said Frank Western, CEO of Sam Elliott Worldwide, Inc. “We have paparazzi staked out to get exclusive new pictures of the man himself, and we headhunt the finest young writers from Ivy League schools to write the quotes. To be truly effective, it has to really feel like Sam Elliott is saying the words you’re reading.”

As their influence on nearly 40 million senior citizen voters has grown, the Sam Elliott Meme Industry has also attracted criticism. For example, the staff of Free Thinker Sam Elliott LLC found themselves embroiled in controversy after posting a meme stating that “If you’re so afraid of your kid being shot…give ‘em a gun, so they can shoot first!”

“It’s no surprise that Sam Elliott pages are starting to appeal to more extreme fringe groups,” said political advocate Jerry Maxwell. “‘As the Sam Elliott media landscape continues to grow, I’m sure we’ll see even more extreme voices emerge. ‘Different strokes for different folks,’ as they say! In fact, I saw a picture of Sam Elliott saying that the other day. He can be so wise.”

In an effort to address the issues in accountability and accuracy when authoring memes, colleges have begun offering courses for Ethics In Sam Elliott Image Journalism.

“With politics as divided as ever these days, it’s important that we hold these journalists to the highest scrutiny. These images must be properly sourced, factual, and bipartisan,” said the Sam Elliott Meme Oversight Committee in a statement issued in a Sam Elliott meme itself. “It is Sam Elliott’s place to inform the public, and not abuse his position to sway their opinions. By the way, this is really me, Sam Elliott!”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Aging Punk Hires Grizzled Private Investigator to Find Exact Time Headliner Goes On

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

POMONA, Calif. — Aging punk Kelvin Obera hired a no-nonsense private investigator last week, trying to determine the exact time the headlining band would take the stage for an upcoming show at the Glass House.

“When I was younger, I used to be the first person at every show… but now I’m 32 and I have no patience for opening bands, or being out in public,” admitted Obera. “In the past I’ve tried looking on Instagram for set times or calling the venue, but those were all dead ends, so I enlisted the services of Detective Frank Grabowski to help. He may not always play by the rules, but he gets results.”

Grabowski, who spent 25 years as a homicide detective on the mean streets of Chicago before becoming a private eye, was skeptical about taking the case at first.

“Of all the agencies in town, this punk just had to walk into mine. As soon as I saw him, tattooed like a Russian criminal, I knew I was in for a long night,” said Grabowski from behind his desk while chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes. “I didn’t have time to bump gums with this goon so we got right down to business — he put up some serious cabbage to find out the exact time some saps by the name of the Trouble Boys were going on stage. Seemed like a dangerous gig on the wrong side of the tracks. I didn’t want to find myself six feet deep in a wooden kimono, so I grabbed my trusty roscoe and headed out.”

Show promoters across the country admitted seeing a trend of men in trench coats and fedoras inquiring about set times before shows.

“The first time I remember it happening was sometime last year. Some guy was standing in the shadows of a street light flipping a coin, and he asked me if I had any idea when Hatchetman was going on,” said Dallas Jameson, the manager of all-ages venue The Workshop in Anaheim. “When I said I had no idea, he grabbed me by the collar, pinned me to the wall and said, ‘I don’t have time for this shit!’ through gritted teeth. Nowadays, that happens to me four and five times before every show. I think we’re just going to start posting the set times on the Facebook event page.”

As of press time, Grabowski was seen working into the early hours of the morning to determine “…if this shirt will shrink in the wash.”

Biden, Unsure of Answer to Debate Question, Asks Instead for Physical Challenge

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Vice President Joe Biden requested moments ago to perform a “physical challenge” in lieu of answering a foreign policy question, confusing the debate with 1990s Nickeloden game show “Double Dare,” unsurprised primary voters report.

“I knew we were in for a wild ride when backstage, Biden started calling me ‘Marc,’ asking if ‘the slime tasted gross,’ and if I ever met ‘that chick Mo from ‘Global Guts,’” said debate moderator Wolf Blitzer. “And when I asked him about Iran, he put on a sly smirk and said, ‘Physical challenge’ before winking at the camera… but when I explained that he’d still have to answer the question, he looked sullen and muttered something about having spent all week practicing with an egg on a spoon in his mouth.”

Biden’s campaign manager Greg Schultz explained on his behalf.

“Our strategy so far has been to remind people [Biden] was Obama’s VP, and to avoid talking about any issues at all cost, lest he say something dumb… again,” said Schultz. “But I don’t know where he got the idea that a physical challenge was an option: I told him he wasn’t going on a children’s game show, but obviously I didn’t get through. How does he even know that show? I mean, he was a senator when it originally aired. Why was he watching children’s TV instead of doing work?”

After the debate, Biden called out CNN for the lack of “alternatives to debate questions” and their underutilization of slime.

“This whole thing was rigged to favor candidates with policies. They’re lucky, too — imagine Elizabeth Warren scrambling to find a bunch of flags inside a giant, gak-filled nose,” said Biden. “She and Bernie can keep all their big ideas on tackling climate change and income inequality. Instead of that malarkey, I’d much rather have a president with no qualms about popping balloons with his behind, or taking pies to the face. And that person is me: Papa Joe.”

Biden later demanded he be compensated for his debate performance with a prize package of a Sony Walkman, a KB Toys gift certificate, and a trip to Space Camp.

Kumail Nanjiani Thinks About ‘Stuber’ Reviews to Help Power Through a Few More Reps

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

LOS ANGELES — Actor Kumail Nanjiani took to the internet recently to show off his new muscle-bound physique and talk about his fitness routine, confirming that he found motivation to stick with his grueling workout regimen by reading and remembering reviews for the widely maligned Stuber.

“I often got to a point, around my four or five hundredth sit-up of the morning, where I thought ‘surely my abs are good enough by now. Like, what the hell is an Eternal, anyway?’” said Nanjiani, slowly licking a single stalk of celery. “But then I’d inevitably remember one of the thousand garbage Uber puns from Stuber reviews, and I’d rip off so many crunches I would very literally shit myself.

“Every day. I shit myself while doing sit-ups every day for a year.” 

Nanjiani’s trainer, Larry McDonald, told sources he’d often make up new Stuber reviews just to help Nanjiani through difficult sets.

“Obviously I’ve never actually seen Stuber, but any time I felt like Nanjiani was slowing down I’d yell stuff like, ‘the plotting leaves much to be desired’ or ‘that scene where Nanjiani tries to be funny was very much not funny,’” said McDonald, pulling the celery from Nanjiani’s hands. “You eat when you do more to elevate the mediocre script, bitch! Poor writing is no excuse!”

Although many were worried Stuber could be considered a step back for Nanjiani’s career, Disney executives claim the film is what inspired them to work with Nanjiani in the first place.

“When we initially began casting, we weren’t sure Kumail would be properly motivated to get that classic Marvel body given his success as a comic actor, but then we read a few scathing Stuber reviews, and we realized this dude was at rock-bottom,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “We only signed Bill Downey after he convinced us he still worried he could relapse at any time.”

As of press time, Nanjiani was loudly telling an unwrapped Twinkie on his kitchen counter it was the one who “relies too heavily on fart jokes.”

Snack Pack Announces Reissue of Hickey/Voodoo Glow Skulls Split 7”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

SAN FRANCISCO — ConAgra Foods announced today a plan to reissue the legendary 1997 Hickey/Voodoo Glow Skulls split 7” as a product tie-in for their Snack Pack pudding cups.

“Reissuing this record just made sense to us,” Snack Pack spokesperson and former El Faralito employee Brian Fort explained. “A common misconception is that Adam Sandler’s reference to Snack Packs in the 1995 movie ‘Billy Madison’ is what put Snack Packs on the map, but believe it or not, there’s a direct correlation between the release of that weird split 7” and the most profitable quarter in our company’s history. The second our legal team gave us the O.K., we ordered a limited pressing of 500 of the records, available for free with every case of Snack Pack chocolate pudding cups.”

Punks all across the country have been rejoicing over the news.

“FOOD STAMPS AND DRINK TICKETS!” shouted Cliff Snax, a self-identifying member of the Naked Cult of Hickey. “That record is the holy fucking grail and the reason my band Fudge Trumpet even exists — I’ve been in countless record stores over the past 20 years trying to find this record. I really thought that after Matty Luv passed, it’d never be repressed. I mean, I knew the cowards at Epitaph were never going to do it, but I never expected the corporate giants at Snack Pack to be the saviors we were waiting for.”

However, Frank “Voodoo” Casillas, former frontman of the Voodoo Glow Skulls, was not so happy to hear the news.

“We weren’t cool with the original 7”, and I’m definitley pissed as fuck about this bullshit coming out again,” Frank yelled in a voicemail. “That stupid junkie band has been the bane of my existence for decades and I’m not even in the fucking Glow Skulls anymore — I almost lost custody of my kids after I freaked out over a cup of chocolate pudding sitting on my kitchen counter years ago. Honestly, I’d trade all the deli trays and tour buses VGS ever had to go back in time and never take the gig with those smelly fucks.”

At press time, the Voodoo Glow Skulls were forced to cancel all scheduled reunion shows after the homophobic slurs uttered on their side of the split E.P. came to light.

We Interview Gary Busey Because He Was in My House When I Got Home for Some Reason

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Once in a while, a brilliant actor comes along that redefines the practice in ways that the ancient Greeks could never have imagined.

Gary Busey is not one of those actors. He is quite possibly a deeply disturbed individual that requires heavy doses of medication and 24/7 supervision by medical professionals. His erratic persona has disturbed the millions of Americans who’ve watched his movies and interviews. However, that’s nothing compared to coming home from a long evening out and discovering him in your house.

Anyway, here is our conversation with the star of Point Break:

The Hard Times: DUDE! Who the fuck are you? What the hell are you doing in my house?

Gary Busey: Now calm down there brother, I come in peace, mean you no harm, know what I mean? See Nick Nolte, he’s down in the car, took some pills Randy Quaid gave us and let me tell you man shit just got pretty freaky.

Wait…are you Gary Busey?

Shhh …gotta keep quiet, don’t want to wake the old lady, she finds out I’m here, then it’ll hit the fan. Just be cool man.

What old lady? Why are you here?

Just need to lay low for a few. Pretty sure we lost the cops, Nolte is circling the block trying to lose them. One minute him, me, and Dennis Hopper are doing speed off a strippers c-section scar, next thing we know, we gotta bail.

Dennis Hopper has been dead for years…

Oh man, seriously? That’s a real downer, didn’t know that shit. It’s like I told Skeeter the other day, you gotta just hit that fucker in the gut and then take a dump and run (laughs uproariously)

Please get out of my house.

Son you strike me as the type of guy in need of a serious attitude adjustment. I turned that little shit from Silver Bullet around and I can do the same for you. I need you to open your mind and contact your spirit animal, can you do that?

I don’t want any trouble…

Hey where do you keep the formaldehyde around this joint? I need something to take the taste of gasoline out of my mouth.

You know I may as well make the most of this, I’m a writer for an online publication, can I interview you?

What’s the name of the outfit? 

Have you heard of The Hard Times?

Brother I am no stranger to Hard Times.

No I mean that’s what it’s…

Hey does this ear blood look infected to you? 

Christ! Do you…do you want me to call anyone for you?

Why? You the law? Cuz that’s entrapment, I’m not some kind of jive sucker, okay? You fuck with me and I’m your worst nightmare butthorn! I know the game, the score, you know? You know why you ain’t heard from that kid that I did the baseball movie with?(Hands me a bloody knife) Look, hide this. I got priors and I’m not going back.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If anyone has information about his or Gary Busey’s whereabouts, please contact The Hard Times.

Self-Described Democratic Socialist Hopes No One Asks Follow Up Question Regarding What That Means

Posted on by Malcolm Whitfield

ST. LOUIS — Time stood still today for local man Hayden Reed, who publicly identified as a “Democratic Socialist” and prayed his words would be taken at face value without any need to further elaborate.

“To be honest, I know I’m playing a dangerous game here,” admitted Reed, who has three seperate “Bernie 2020” stickers on his Chevy Volt. “I know for sure it’s something I’m into… I just sort of blank on the details of the actual label. It’s been nothing short of a miracle I make it through most political conversations unquestioned. So far, most people I’ve said that to just say, ‘Yeah, me too, right on,’ and we move on to something else we all agree about.”

While Reed’s political leanings are met without criticism among casual colleagues, those close to him question the validity of his declaration.

“I know his heart is in the right place, but he’s not sure enough of himself to carry that pressure,” explained Reed’s girlfriend and unwitting collaborator Andrea Denning. “He’s had the Wikipedia page bookmarked on his computer for a while, but I still don’t think he really understands it — I’m pretty sure his most searched term on Google is, ‘What is a Democratic Socialist exactly?’ Really, even one question about his stance is sure to make him crack.”

Reed has allegedly developed several fail-safes for his cover — such as, when asked at a recent holiday party about how Democratic Socialism differs from pure socialism, Reed replied, “I shouldn’t have to be the one to educate you on such a simple topic,” before excusing himself to the kitchen to grab another drink.

“It’s actually quite simple: it’s like, whatever Bernie Sanders and AOC talk about, right?” responded Demitri Walsh, Chairman of the Midwestern DSA Committee. “Well, I know we don’t like corporations… and I think we want to break those up. We definitely want free college, and more taxes for the rich, but also — wait, was it free single payer health care, too? What is that? Is that different from universal health care, or…? Look, we’re trying our best here.”

At press time, Reed was sharing a photo of a DSA rose logo tattoo in a move he called, “The biggest fucking gamble yet.”

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