PFLUGERVILLE, Texas — Local woman Shelby Cardenas handled a semi-regular 2 a.m. scroll through her ex-girlfriend Melissa Hannan’s Instagram page with the focus and careful precision of a surgeon performing spinal fusion.
“There’s a lot on the line in these situations, so it’s really important to bring your A game and scroll through when you’re only sort of buzzed and not totally shitfaced,” Cardenas explained. “The biggest thing to remember is to keep your finger as stiff and straight as possible, try not to blink at all, and basically just hold your breath the entire time — scrolling that late in bed takes a surprising amount of core strength, and is usually the most effective ab workout I do all year.”
The stakes allegedly raised around 2:17 a.m., when Cardenas entered areas of Hannan’s page dating back to 112 weeks ago and later, requiring a deep level of expert knowledge.
“The further back you go, the more careful you have to be — it’s one thing to accidentally ‘like’ a post from the same week, which could be chalked up to a search page mishap, but when you’re treading into two year old territory, there’s not enough ‘LOL whoops’ texts in the world to save you,” she said. “Luckily, I have a great team to back me up: like my hand sanitizer, which prevents accidental slipping due to greasy fingerprints, and my cat, who slept through the whole thing and didn’t jump into my lap. That could’ve really fucked everything up in a bad way.”
Social media stalking experts praised Cardenas’ efforts, yet questioned her capabilities as a truly qualified ex.
“Yeah, she’s got a lot of experience… but honestly, her methods are outdated and kind of dangerous,” stated Cardenas’ friend and an ex-boyfriend to many Donny James. “She’s using an iPhone 6, for fucks sake: it’s way too tiny and leaves so much room for mistakes. I’ve also seen her show me Mel’s Insta before, and her finger lands right on the image — everyone knows you have to scroll touching the caption, as far away from the ‘like’ button as possible, unless you’re reading comments. In that case, you need to hover to the left, because God forbid you accidentally ‘like’ something your ex’s old roommate said in 2016.”
In a turn of events that was “bound to happen eventually,” Cardenas was pronounced dead at 2:32 a.m. after accidentally clicking the “follow” button on Hannan’s new girlfriend’s account.