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We Interview Gary Busey Because He Was in My House When I Got Home for Some Reason

Once in a while, a brilliant actor comes along that redefines the practice in ways that the ancient Greeks could never have imagined.

Gary Busey is not one of those actors. He is quite possibly a deeply disturbed individual that requires heavy doses of medication and 24/7 supervision by medical professionals. His erratic persona has disturbed the millions of Americans who’ve watched his movies and interviews. However, that’s nothing compared to coming home from a long evening out and discovering him in your house.

Anyway, here is our conversation with the star of Point Break:

The Hard Times: DUDE! Who the fuck are you? What the hell are you doing in my house?

Gary Busey: Now calm down there brother, I come in peace, mean you no harm, know what I mean? See Nick Nolte, he’s down in the car, took some pills Randy Quaid gave us and let me tell you man shit just got pretty freaky.

Wait…are you Gary Busey?

Shhh …gotta keep quiet, don’t want to wake the old lady, she finds out I’m here, then it’ll hit the fan. Just be cool man.

What old lady? Why are you here?

Just need to lay low for a few. Pretty sure we lost the cops, Nolte is circling the block trying to lose them. One minute him, me, and Dennis Hopper are doing speed off a strippers c-section scar, next thing we know, we gotta bail.

Dennis Hopper has been dead for years…

Oh man, seriously? That’s a real downer, didn’t know that shit. It’s like I told Skeeter the other day, you gotta just hit that fucker in the gut and then take a dump and run (laughs uproariously)

Please get out of my house.

Son you strike me as the type of guy in need of a serious attitude adjustment. I turned that little shit from Silver Bullet around and I can do the same for you. I need you to open your mind and contact your spirit animal, can you do that?

I don’t want any trouble…

Hey where do you keep the formaldehyde around this joint? I need something to take the taste of gasoline out of my mouth.

You know I may as well make the most of this, I’m a writer for an online publication, can I interview you?

What’s the name of the outfit? 

Have you heard of The Hard Times?

Brother I am no stranger to Hard Times.

No I mean that’s what it’s…

Hey does this ear blood look infected to you? 

Christ! Do you…do you want me to call anyone for you?

Why? You the law? Cuz that’s entrapment, I’m not some kind of jive sucker, okay? You fuck with me and I’m your worst nightmare butthorn! I know the game, the score, you know? You know why you ain’t heard from that kid that I did the baseball movie with?(Hands me a bloody knife) Look, hide this. I got priors and I’m not going back.

EDITOR’S NOTE: If anyone has information about his or Gary Busey’s whereabouts, please contact The Hard Times.