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Aging Punk Hires Grizzled Private Investigator to Find Exact Time Headliner Goes On

POMONA, Calif. — Aging punk Kelvin Obera hired a no-nonsense private investigator last week, trying to determine the exact time the headlining band would take the stage for an upcoming show at the Glass House.

“When I was younger, I used to be the first person at every show… but now I’m 32 and I have no patience for opening bands, or being out in public,” admitted Obera. “In the past I’ve tried looking on Instagram for set times or calling the venue, but those were all dead ends, so I enlisted the services of Detective Frank Grabowski to help. He may not always play by the rules, but he gets results.”

Grabowski, who spent 25 years as a homicide detective on the mean streets of Chicago before becoming a private eye, was skeptical about taking the case at first.

“Of all the agencies in town, this punk just had to walk into mine. As soon as I saw him, tattooed like a Russian criminal, I knew I was in for a long night,” said Grabowski from behind his desk while chain-smoking unfiltered cigarettes. “I didn’t have time to bump gums with this goon so we got right down to business — he put up some serious cabbage to find out the exact time some saps by the name of the Trouble Boys were going on stage. Seemed like a dangerous gig on the wrong side of the tracks. I didn’t want to find myself six feet deep in a wooden kimono, so I grabbed my trusty roscoe and headed out.”

Show promoters across the country admitted seeing a trend of men in trench coats and fedoras inquiring about set times before shows.

“The first time I remember it happening was sometime last year. Some guy was standing in the shadows of a street light flipping a coin, and he asked me if I had any idea when Hatchetman was going on,” said Dallas Jameson, the manager of all-ages venue The Workshop in Anaheim. “When I said I had no idea, he grabbed me by the collar, pinned me to the wall and said, ‘I don’t have time for this shit!’ through gritted teeth. Nowadays, that happens to me four and five times before every show. I think we’re just going to start posting the set times on the Facebook event page.”

As of press time, Grabowski was seen working into the early hours of the morning to determine “…if this shirt will shrink in the wash.”