DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Vice President Joe Biden requested moments ago to perform a “physical challenge” in lieu of answering a foreign policy question, confusing the debate with 1990s Nickeloden game show “Double Dare,” unsurprised primary voters report.
“I knew we were in for a wild ride when backstage, Biden started calling me ‘Marc,’ asking if ‘the slime tasted gross,’ and if I ever met ‘that chick Mo from ‘Global Guts,’” said debate moderator Wolf Blitzer. “And when I asked him about Iran, he put on a sly smirk and said, ‘Physical challenge’ before winking at the camera… but when I explained that he’d still have to answer the question, he looked sullen and muttered something about having spent all week practicing with an egg on a spoon in his mouth.”
Biden’s campaign manager Greg Schultz explained on his behalf.
“Our strategy so far has been to remind people [Biden] was Obama’s VP, and to avoid talking about any issues at all cost, lest he say something dumb… again,” said Schultz. “But I don’t know where he got the idea that a physical challenge was an option: I told him he wasn’t going on a children’s game show, but obviously I didn’t get through. How does he even know that show? I mean, he was a senator when it originally aired. Why was he watching children’s TV instead of doing work?”
After the debate, Biden called out CNN for the lack of “alternatives to debate questions” and their underutilization of slime.
“This whole thing was rigged to favor candidates with policies. They’re lucky, too — imagine Elizabeth Warren scrambling to find a bunch of flags inside a giant, gak-filled nose,” said Biden. “She and Bernie can keep all their big ideas on tackling climate change and income inequality. Instead of that malarkey, I’d much rather have a president with no qualms about popping balloons with his behind, or taking pies to the face. And that person is me: Papa Joe.”
Biden later demanded he be compensated for his debate performance with a prize package of a Sony Walkman, a KB Toys gift certificate, and a trip to Space Camp.