Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Punk Game Doesn’t Show Up On Time

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

WARSAW — Taking a page from the musical genre that inspired its namesake, Cyberpunk 2077 has proven its punk credentials by announcing it would arrive extraordinarily late to its expected release date.

“When we switched gears from the fantasy world to cyberpunk, a lot of people thought we were in over our head,” said Adam Kiciński, President and CEO of CD Projekt Red. “But we did our research, and to make sure the ‘punk’ part of ‘Cyberpunk’ is represented, we added some things like a shit talking option in every dialogue tree and the ability to hide your inherited wealth from other characters in the game. But the biggest nod to punk is definitely the way we will be arriving nowhere near on time.”

Reportedly, the delay wasn’t the first attempt by the company to demonstrate its newfound grasping of the punk ethos.

“A while ago they contacted us and asked if they could maybe play on some of our character models and backgrounds, since we’re on the same month,” said Jamie Green, a Capcom employee working on Resident Evil 3 Remake. “When we said we didn’t feel great about loaning important stuff like that out, they accused us of being cops and next thing I know the game’s being delayed until September. What a bunch of poseurs.”

At press time, CD Projekt Red were denying the rumors that this game would be nowhere as good as their old shit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Tuning Guitar Also Scoring True Crime Podcast

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local amateur musician Dean Shelby unknowingly wrote the music to a true crime podcast earlier this week as he casually tuned his guitar in his bedroom, ecstatic podcast producers report.

“I hit the A string and let it resonate for a minute and realized I was onto something,” Shelby said. “I opened GarageBand and started recording while playing a single note and just messed with the peg a bit. Before I knew it, I recorded an entire series worth of music, and I was still only half-tuned.”

True crime podcasts all over America have already contacted Shelby in the hopes of having him score their soundtrack.

“They way he just lets every note hang there for an unnecessary amount of time, it’s like he really stumbled upon the perfect combination of tedium and dissonance. I knew it would be perfect for when we talk about the Cairns child killings,” said Amber Yates, host of the podcast “Bloody Good Time.” “Since ‘Serial’ came out in 2014, producers found that listeners really enjoy the banality of a single guitar note bookending the horrific, detailed description of murder. That out-of-tune G is going to be great when we cut to our Casper mattress commercial.”

While Shelby’s work is being celebrated by the true crime podcasting community, with his work slated to appear on the podcasts “Knives To Meet You,” “Slice of Life,” and “Cleaves & Thank You,” some contend that the “genius” scoring is nothing more than a coincidence.

“I spend hours, sometimes days, composing pieces,” veteran podcast composer since 2018 Irene Jasso said. “It may sound just like a random concoction of notes, but there’s an art to it — like when a small town cop said something suspicious, Shelby plays an off-key C-sharp, which is just nonsense. You want to fade in maybe 15 seconds of a playing a D, then an E. God, I remember when this genre used to mean something.”

In light of his success, Shelby will next score an independent film while simultaneously doing Logic Pro tutorials.

Photo by Pat George.

Gamer Wishes There Was Some Way to Play FFVII Right Now

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

SANTA FE, N.M. — Blindsided by the delay of its upcoming remake, Square Enix fan Derick Stanley tells reporters he would give anything to play Final Fantasy VII right now.

“I’ve been pumped on Final Fantasy VII since day one,” Stanley said. “Ever since that trailer in 2015, I’ve been wondering who this Cloud guy is. What’s his story?’ I want to know so bad! When oh when will I get my hands on this thing?”

Stanley’s fascinations with the upcoming title led Stanley to follow every update he could find on Square Enix’s social media accounts, including this week’s announcement of the game’s release date being postponed.

“I can’t believe after all this waiting, they’re pushing it back even further. It’s starting to feel like I’m never going to get my chance to play Final Fantasy VII,” said a dejected Stanley.

Acquaintances of Stanley’s were sympathetic to how the delay is affecting him.

“I remember waiting for Final Fantasy VII One to come out, it was torture,” said Edward Linden, a coworker of Stanley’s. “When I finally got to play it though, it was worth the wait. I just fell in love with the characters, with that world. I hope Stanley eventually gets to experience that.”

At press time, Stanely was watching Advent Children, the film that inspired the upcoming game, for the 18th time.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Shaq May Forgive the General for His War Crimes, but We Never Can

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Carson Soukup

The NBA has had a long history of problematic relationships. Dennis Rodman was pals with Kim Jung Un, the NBA as a whole dropped support for Hong Kong under the instruction of the Chinese Government, and even Michael Jordan had that weird Hitler ‘stache phase. Shaq’s lifelong friendship with The General is yet another example that we cannot ignore. The General may seem like a friendly cartoon whose only interest is saving you money on car insurance. But over the course of his long career with the military, he has been accused of countless war crimes and never seen justice.

In Vietnam, The General and his company held up in a fortified Cambodian temple and led barbaric attacks on the Viet Cong. The brutality of their attacks struck fear into the hearts of their enemies and allies alike. Decapitation and desecration of bodies were common under his command. Photos of him posing with mutilated corpses have surfaced in the past, but the Pentagon denies their legitimacy.

The General had a hard time adjusting to civilian life. There was a period of a few years where he was in and out of jail for various bar fights. Then he seemed to calm down around the time that he started his insurance company. His rekindled friendship with Shaquille O’Neal is meant to make us forget the sins of his past but we must not!

Understand I have no issue with Shaq. According to the commercials he and The General have been friends since they were babies in the same hospital. It’s not Shaq’s fault that his baby friend would go on to sell weapons to Sadam Husein. All I’m saying is we cannot let The General’s friendship with someone as magnanimous as Shaq blind us to the awful truth of his past.

The General may never face formal charges in the court of law, but in the court of public opinion, we have the power to cancel him. So if you are shopping for car insurance just remember, “For a great low rate you can get online, don’t go to The General he did war crimes!”

Co-Worker Has Audacity to Bring IT Problem to IT Guy

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Andy Holt

OMAHA, Neb. — Local office worker Chris Thompson, an assistant copywriter at McDalton Consulting Co., allegedly crossed the line into misconduct last week by asking a company IT worker to help fix his broken mouse, a McDalton representative confirms.

“The internal investigation is still ongoing, but we can confirm that Mr. Thompson did indeed have a malfunctioning desktop mouse that interfered with his ability to work. The question is whether he approached one of our IT professionals about the matter. If so, that would obviously cross the line into misconduct,” said assistant PR director Tara Williams. “The tech workers in our office are not here to be pestered with office tech problems.”

McDalton refused to give the name of the IT worker, in accordance with HR policies, but the company allowed them to answer questions on the condition of anonymity.

“The disrespect is the worst part. It’s just so humiliating, some copywriter coming into your office with a broken mouse. And it happens all the time. Last week, somebody came in here telling me they couldn’t log in to their computer,” said the IT worker, who had spent the morning locked in his office playing his Switch. “Does that sound like my problem?”

When pressed on why these issues were not his responsibility, the worker grew defensive.

“Do you have any idea the size of our server room? Could you even begin to comprehend how much traffic I have to guide, with my own hands, through a system so complex it dwarfs the entirety of your pathetic, meaningless life?” the worker said. “IT work is an art as much as a science. It’s like being a surgeon, but way harder.”

The interview was later cut short when a co-worker knocked on the door, and the IT worker needed 30 minutes to explain why her question was stupid.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Cool Youth Pastor Skating in Heaven After Church Roof Ollie Attempt

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Lauren Lavín

LAS CRUCES, N.M. — Local youth pastor Marc Herrera is shredding with the Lord now after he died attempting to ollie off his church roof following a church service held last Sunday morning, according to sources amongst his flock.

“Pastor Marc wanted to use his skateboard to show us how all things are possible through God,” said Craig Freeman, a student in Herrera’s UthLyfe Bible class. “And even though it was a really, really sketchy landing, I could tell by how his legs kept kicking that his spirit was already doing kickflips in Heaven. I’m sad he’s gone, but I’m still ‘soul-d out’ for Jesus.”

However, other witnesses were allegedly questioning their faith after seeing the particularly gory way their tattooed, Five Iron Frenzy T-shirt-wearing youth pastor died.

“When his body — or, I guess, vessel — landed, it was so messed up,” admitted Luisa Salazar, another of Herrera’s students. “His legs shattered on the curb and some rebar got stuck in his spine, so it took him a while to finally enter through the narrow gate. People stopped recording on their phones about 15 minutes in. After seeing that, I’m not sure Jesus actually is a ‘rad bro who totally took one for the team’ like Pastor Marc always said he was.”

Although Pastor Marc’s mother Lucy is devastated by her son’s death, she said she’s found peace knowing he died the way he lived, “getting the groms stoked on the Holy Spirit.”

“Marc was always a very spiritual and very edgy child,” she explained. “I was upset when he pierced his ear with a safety pin in his teens, but he insisted it would help his ‘street cred’ when bearing witness to his classmates, and he was right. I’ll always be grateful to the Lord for giving me such a cool, righteous son, and not some hopeless square like Pastor Erin.”

Followers insist Pastor Herrera is currently debating Heaven’s strict helmet and protective gear policy with St. Peter.

Oh Shit: I’m the I.T. Guy With Shaved Head and Goatee Who Listens to Late 90s Industrial Music

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Cory Cousins

Fuck me, really? I mean, I always knew those guys existed. You know the type, blathering on and on about how they saw Lords of Acid live in ‘97, while taking way too long to set up the office WiFi. Though, I never thought that my life would take such a turn that I would one day, eventually transform into one of them. How did it get this far?

Looking back on it, I guess it started out innocuously. I shaved my head because I realized I couldn’t grow dreads, and compensated some by growing a long goatee. Sure, kind of a predictable move, but relatively benign. But soon after, I developed an unhealthy obsession with Ministry, and would frequently wear an “Al Jourgensen Is My Co-Pilot” t-shirt to work.

Things started to snowball after I would incessantly quiz employees at our office about their favorite Orgy lyrics before I would help them set up their computer passwords. Christ, they could barely even list three songs from Nine Inch Nails’ entire catalogue. Looking back, my frustration at the corporate squares for having such simplistic taste in music, only caused me to delve deeper into things Industrial.

Management started to get on my ass whenever I would roll up in the parking garage in my tricked-out Honda CRX, smoking cloves, blasting Rammstein, and tossing empty Red Bull cans out of my window. This would shock the suits at work, but I simply didn’t have time for their judgement. I was diving ever deeper into a world of synthesizers, strobe lights, and casual drug-induced sexual encounters, all the while maintaining and repairing information technology hardware associated with my corporate office. I was on a roller coaster with no end in sight.

So where do I go from here? Now that I have crossed the line into “I.T. Guy With Shaved Head and Goatee Who Listens to Late 90s Industrial Music,” I feel as though there is no turning back, and the only thing left to do is to fully embrace my newfound personality, even to the monumental annoyance of everyone I work with. I just hope my mother can forgive me. She always wanted me to grow up and be a Dave Matthews Craft Beer/Hockey sales guy.

Town Still Ravaged Decades After Dookie Airstrike of ’94

Posted on January 16, 2020 by Bobby Korec

BERKELEY, Calif. — A small town in the East Bay region of California is still completely devastated and covered in excrement more than 25 years after what residents call the “Dookie Airstrike of ’94,” sources among the ongoing relief efforts confirmed.

“I still, to this day, step in dog shit,” lifelong resident Cody Shawnter noted, pointing toward Telegraph Ave. “Just look: our once nice and wholesome town went to literal shit that fateful day and hasn’t been the same since. I remember that nightmarish afternoon like it was yesterday — it was a nice, sunny day, and all of a sudden our town was ransacked by a pack of dogs congregating on rooftops, humping each other, smoking weed, and flinging feces onto unsuspecting pedestrians. It was absolutely terrifying. I’m still baffled a golden retriever learned to fly a fighter jet and drop bombs with precision onto the town square.”

The famous depiction of the tragic day came from artist Richie Bucher witnessing the catastrophe in real time while painting the town from a nearby rooftop.

“There I was, innocently sketching out the Bad Year Blimp over the skyline, when in came the rebel canine insurgence,” Bucher recounted. “It was an absolute shit show across the town, where many lives are still to this day moderately inconvenienced. I commend Green Day for using my work to commemorate this tragedy and spread awareness about the horrors of war and unleashed dogs. We must never forget.”

Military historians have long documented the aftereffects on towns decimated by unsuspecting airstrikes.

“This is a sad reality for many humans around the world today,” war historian Deborah Candlegate said. “Especially when the local government does nothing to help rebuild, and the town has no ordinance in place for curbing your dog. Some say the town’s disillusionment and tumultuous period after the ‘Dookie Airstrike of ’94’ became the source of Green Day’s concept album ‘American Idiot’ 10 years later. Drone strikes wreak havoc on residents — let this one be a reminder to have your dogs spayed or neutered.”

As cleanup mercifully comes to a close, high-end Bay Area real estate developers intend to buy up the town’s “unique fixer-upper opportunity” properties, with plans to build brand-new condos and luxury apartments.

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Tragic: The Computer Server From Black Mirror’s San Junipero Is Down for Scheduled Maintenance

Posted on January 15, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

SANTA ROSA, Calif. — Sadly leaving all of the service’s customers unavailable to access the popular massively multiplayer online game until 8:00 AM PST tomorrow morning, representatives confirmed earlier today that the computer server that powers the virtual world of San Junipero as seen in Netflix’s Black Mirror is down for scheduled maintenance.

“Like any large-scale online game, it takes a lot of server resources to keep the world of San Junipero up and running,” said spokesperson Roger Corning, apologizing to the friends and family of San Junipero users whose mortal consciousnesses only exist on the unavailable server. “Unfortunately, this means that sometimes, like today, the servers need to be taken offline briefly to make sure we maintain the highest quality experience for our customers. We have heard plenty of concerned feedback and would like to assure everyone that San Junipero will be back up and running as soon as possible.”

People online, however, were extremely upset about the downtime.

“My grandma was dying last year and they told me that she would be able to keep on living in San Junipero forever,” said Reddit user @White_Bear_Claw in a post that has since gone viral. “When they sat me down for a consultation about the service, they said that her brain would be uploaded to a cloud. I thought it was a safe idea, but now they’re talking about servers being down? A server isn’t a cloud! Has my grandma’s brain just been in a server this whole time? Where does she go when the server’s turned off? Is she dead? What’s going to happen when the server turns back on? I want answers!”

At press time, the company had issued a written statement assuring concerned customers that, in the effort of transparency, they will soon be able to download backup versions of their loved ones’ consciousnesses for no extra charge.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Report: Punk with Poster in Frame Must Be Doing Pretty Well for Himself

Posted on January 15, 2020 by James Knapp

ERIE, Penn. — Local punk Jackson McCreedy is thought to be “rolling in dough” today, as his old Asian Man Records poster is now encased in a store-bought frame, sources who hope to benefit from their friend’s vast wealth confirmed.

“Jackon’s had that poster forever. I’ve seen it affixed to his wall with all kinds of stuff: tape, old nails… one time, just an old band aid and a glob of hair gel,” said Callahan Miller, long-time friend of and current holder of several IOUs from McCreedy. “He’s been doing a shitload of other rich people stuff lately as well — like, he stopped stealing his groceries, and started paying for them. And just last week when we went out drinking, he didn’t just order PBR: he actually tried some of the other beers, like he was some sort of fancy business man on vacation. Maybe he’ll finally pay me back the $40 I lent him for Less Than Jake tickets.”

McCreedy privately confirmed the assumptions.

“I don’t mean to brag, but I guess I did make out pretty good after I got a settlement when I was run over by a city bus earlier this year. For the first time ever, I’m able to splurge on a few luxury items — like toothpaste, and name-brand ramen,” said McCreedy while selecting the more expensive “Super Wash” option at a nearby laundromat. “The poster frame, though, was something special just for me: something to show the world I’ve finally made it. Sure, it’s an elitist symbol of capitalist decadence, but on the other hand… poster.”

However, not all were impressed by McCreedy’s new found affluence — specifically, the young man’s landlord and uncle, Reginald McCreedy.

“That frame’s a piece of shit,” criticized the elder McCreedy. “It’s just a cheap plastic frame, and he didn’t even buy the right size — I can see the fucking stock photo that came with it around the edge. That thing might look nice hanging in the gutter after I evict his freeloading ass. This kid oughta start spending less money on shitty frames, and more on the four months back rent he owes.”

Further flaunting his wealth, Jackson was later spotted at Home Depot buying four cinder blocks and a new sheet of plywood to support his mattress.

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